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Getting a Start on the End

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ChangeMaker posted 8/5/2014 13:09 PM

I'm having a very rough time today. I feel like emailing her to tell her that if she had SHOWN me she was sorry and wanted to reconcile, instead of telling me (which she never really did in earnest), then I might not feel the way I do.

I have searched deeply within myself, and I am sure I don't love her, so why do I feel so awful after dismissing her attempt at reconciliation?

ChangeMaker posted 8/6/2014 13:59 PM

So I fucked up. Went pain shopping and filled my cart.

I emailed her offering her a chance to say the things she meant to say last night, which I assume is related to reconciling.

Why the fuck am I even considering this? I don't love her and I'm not sure I ever did. It's just the thought of losing my family, I'm sure of it.

I've got to find a way out of this funk, and stay on track. I have to get fully resolved in my head that this is the only path.

She is supposed to bring amendments to agreement to discuss tomorrow. I'll be all sorted out by then, don't worry.

ChangeMaker posted 8/7/2014 08:22 AM

We had a huge blowout last night. I wish we never went down that road, and I knew it was a mistake going in.

After talking with her though, at least I know I am making the right decision. This is not the woman I had children with. That woman is gone.

She's supposed to send me the proposed amendments to the agreement today for me to review. I'll take them to my lawyer, then she'll take it back to her L, and hopefully we'll be done.


FrmrBH80124 posted 8/7/2014 08:57 AM


Don't beat yourself up. You had to try. You had to know that you gave it your best shot so there would be no what ifs down the road.

You now know your answer.

Move forward to have the best future you can for you and your children. She made her choice. It's her loss not yours.

ChangeMaker posted 8/11/2014 07:34 AM

Well I had a very strange weekend. She was texting and coming over talking possible reconciliation and expressing regret all week. Then she started going sideways and eventually went silent.

Last night she was supposed to come over to feed, bathe and bed the kids, but she was totally ignoring me so I told her not to bother and she didn't. At about 9:00 I was talking on the phone and I noticed her kind of lurking around on the front step smoking cigarettes. I was a little worried I would experience stabbing!

She came in and just small talked, then she was just watching TV, so I went out for a run. When I came back she just said her goodbyes and left. On her way out the door I called out "What did you come here for?" and she just said she didn't know.

Later, she started texting, then called. All kinds of regret and boo-hooing about what was and what could've been. Crickets from me. I finally told her we're past the point now. Then, because I started feeling bad for her, I told her that there's no law that says we can't get back together later if we want.

She's whacked.

Off to the see my Liar in a couple hours to go over the agreement. Hopefully we can get this thing signed by the end of August and get the show on the road!

ETA: I feel incredibly good today, as I did last night. There is a great feeling of liberation in me now. I still feel anxiety about the future, but my conscience is clear: I tried. She didn't.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 7:38 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

Forged1 posted 8/11/2014 07:50 AM

I tried. She didn't.

And that's what it all comes down to in the end.

Onwards and upwards, man. It'll get easier and you'll feel better every day from here on out.

ChangeMaker posted 8/13/2014 11:29 AM

So my STBXWW doesn't seem to understand that I'm not her husband anymore.

I have always managed her (and my) RRSP (the Canadian equivalent of a 401k I think) and have increased it's value by more than 60%.

I have told her by email that I am no longer managing this account, and if she wanted me to, I would convert all investments to cash so if there is a turn in the market, she would not lose money. She wouldn't gain any either.

She hasn't answered, so today I started pushing her again. Well, she wants to sit down and have me show her how to do everything and doesn't understand why I won't. Fucking knucklehead.

I told her to ask her high school dropout, unemployed labourer boyfriend to take care of it for her. He is clearly a thinkin' man.

ChangeMaker posted 8/14/2014 22:07 PM

Just an update for those of you following along, and who have helped me immensly:

Things are moving along quickly. We are very close to having the separation agreement signed. Once it is, we'll sell the house and be done.

I am feeling great, and I'm sleeping like a baby. Ran 5k on Tuesday, rode my bicycle 70k on Wednesday, and ran 5k again today. Played guitar for the first time since DDay today. I've been socializing and meeting all kinds of new people through and spending time with existing friends.

Best of all, I am thoroughly enjoying my daughters.

I still have thoughts of getting back together with her, but then I read my posts and remember what I learned using the VAR and I snap right back to reality.

Thank you SI. The people here really saved me a lot of extra hurt.

ChangeMaker posted 8/18/2014 07:18 AM

Well, the separation agreement is starting to cause problems. It seems she wants to get her hands in my pants again... more specifically in my pockets.

Want more money? Get a better job you lazy, lying, cheating slut! I never stopped you from bettering yourself. I have bettered myself, so I have to pay?

I'll never play house with a woman again. You have yours, I'll have mine and we'll get along just fine.

I will fight her for every piece of cutlery. I have more money than she does to endure the fight. Her decision to leave the house on July 9th will come back to bite her if she wants to fight.

ChangeMaker posted 8/19/2014 08:10 AM

Last night, my STBXWW got angry at me because I told my lawyer she had cheated on me, and my lawyer told hers. She then decided that I was going to tell "everyone". Then she said she thought I'd be ashamed that my woman had to find another man. I told her that if it's my shame, she shouldn't care who I tell.

She then started screaming at me to get out. I just stood there grinning at her until she called the police. They came and talked to her, then to me. They tried to tell me that on "her" nights with the kids I should leave the house. I told them that I own the house and live there and will come and go as I please, then asked them to leave, which they did.

This morning, STBXWW called me at work to tell me she's planning to move back into the house because I will not give her written assurance that I will not hold her abandonment of the house and children against her later.

In Ontario, if you can prove that it's unrealistic for both spouses to occupy the house and it's more convenient for one spouse to leave, you have a good chance of getting exclusive use of the home.

I have no family in town. She has her entire family and her mother easily has space for her. Pretty convenient.

She called the police on me (for no real reason). Doesn't sound like it's in the best interest of the kids, does it? Not very realistic.

Waiting for my lawyer to call me back.

FrmrBH80124 posted 8/19/2014 11:33 AM


Sounds like the shit is getting real for her. She knows she f*d up big time. Her real thinker, loser BF can't hold a candle to you and she is scared. Good.

She then started screaming at me to get out. I just stood there grinning at her until she called the police. They came and talked to her, then to me. They tried to tell me that on "her" nights with the kids I should leave the house. I told them that I own the house and live there and will come and go as I please, then asked them to leave, which they did.

Loved reading this!!!! That was awesome!

I know this isn't easy but you are doing great! Keep in touch with your attorney and hold your ground.

I have a feeling things will get worse before they get better but they will get better!

Best of luck CM!

ChangeMaker posted 8/21/2014 17:50 PM

She's taken to sending me light-hearted, jokey texts today. I gave her crickets back, but I don't know what to make of this. Is she just trying to set up our post-split relationship, or is this just more unbalanced behaviour?

Had a bit of a downer day today, but only because I got to sleep late, and didn't sleep well. I still got a 5K run in, which helped, but I gotta get this fucking woman out of my life... well as much as possible.

yearsofpain25 posted 8/21/2014 19:22 PM

Is she just trying to set up our post-split relationship, or is this just more unbalanced behaviour?

Been following your story CM and just caught up on this thread. She's out of her mind. Of course this is more unbalanced behavior as she has no idea how to plan any sort of future.

Keep moving forward brother. I know some days hurt and that is to be expected. You are doing remarkably well over all. NC and crickets as much as possible.


ChangeMaker posted 8/23/2014 02:29 AM

Here's a good on for you:

Today I was at home working on the house on a day off from work. I start to get sappy texts and then calls from STBXWW. She sounds very upset so I tell her to come home for lunch. When she gets home, she tells me she misses me, asks me for a couple of hugs, and blah, blah, blah. I tell her that we can always get back together after we separate, but I just don't feel safe right now.

So this evening I went out with a bunch of people while she was at home with the kids (even met a nice woman there). Then my gut started. So I drove home even though I was supposed to be out of the house until Sunday. I tried to go in the front door, but it was locked with a hotel room style lock, so I went through the garage. The door from the garage was locked too, which never happens.

As I come in she is charging at the door acting startled. I can smell mens cologne, so I go charging in, but there is nobody. Then I remembered seeing an odd pair of shoes in the foyer, where she had remained so I went back and found one. I confronted her with it, and get this: she admits they belong to OM, but that she brought them home to clean them because she spilled coffee on them at work! And these shoes were immaculate.

So we get into it. Then I find a ball cap on the back of the sofa. He gave it to her, she was just wearing it, see? Yeah right! So I put it on her head and it's WAY to fucking big.

Then I lit into her heavy.

Then I had a stellar idea! I put his shoes and hat in my barbecue and had a little campfire!

A while later I rushed outside and sure enough caught him out there. I told him he could have her, but he'd better stay away from my house and kids. He told me I better not have burned his stuff. I told him I was sorry, I didn't know him and couldn't think of any logical reason why his stuff would be in my house.

What a life I lead. At least I once again know what she is. I'm just sorry I elected to have kids with this complete waste of space.

ChangeMaker posted 8/23/2014 05:02 AM

By the way, any of you BS's out there wondering if you should get a VAR... you should. It provides a very nice (an unsettling to the WS) insight into what is acually going on.

betraid posted 8/23/2014 06:15 AM

Looked in abbreviations but don't see it.
What is a VAR?

mike7 posted 8/23/2014 06:27 AM

voice activated recorder.

Change.. I know you're going to divorce and are looking forward to it. I completely understand. But I wonder, out of curiosity, have you ever just talked to your WW and asked her wtf?

for example, "you have destroyed our family. you have destroyed our children's family. you've given it all away for your boyfriend. You hint that you'd like to reconcile. If you do, why do you continue to treat me so disrespectfully? why do you bring him here to my home? If you want to R, why wouldn't you break it off with him immediately as a sign of good faith that you regret what you've done?"

is she capable of any introspection or remorse at all?

ChangeMaker posted 8/23/2014 07:46 AM


Talked to her exactly like you mentioned. Nothing. She's fucked in the head. She doesn't get it.

No introspection, no remorse. Just stupidity.

yearsofpain25 posted 8/24/2014 09:08 AM

Good grief ChangeMaker. I suppose when OM came out of the bushes with no shoes or hat she said she had no idea who it was and she had never seen him before ever?

Your stbx is totally torqued. Hope you threw her out with him that night. And he's lucky you only burned his stuff. I think you showed some restraint there in that confrontation. Good for you ChangeMaker.


ChangeMaker posted 8/24/2014 11:16 AM

LOL, YOP. No, she didn't deny it. She knows I know who he is.

I didn't throw her out, I left before things got out of hand and someone got hurt. My self-control only goes so far.

I think there's trouble in fantasy la-la land though. It's a shame too, he's a real quality catch!

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