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UpInTheAirNow posted 8/4/2017 12:29 PM

Hope you went to the police. How are you doing?
Have you read the healing library in the top left corner?
Lots of good information.

somer222 posted 8/4/2017 12:55 PM

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Nine years ago, I got a call from a very nasty woman and she told me she had an "affair" with my husband. I was in shock. She called several times - I guess to drive home the point of just what an ass I'd married. I got her point.

The same day, I found she'd been blackmailing him (threatening to call me to out him) and he paid her tens of thousands of dollars. When he could no longer pay - she made good on her threat and she called me.

In time, you will likely see your situation much differently. First - you are a genuine victim.
You've done nothing wrong. It is not your job to take on his shame. As for your WS, you have confirmation that he has cheated, he has lied and he has stolen money from marital assets to try to protect himself. A lot of it. In addition, he also has shown extremely poor judgement - for years.

You may be able to "forgive", but can you ever trust him again? What other kind of damage can he cause you? What other secrets has he kept from you? That's what went through my mind nine years ago. I ended my marriage. My ex wanted
me to reconcile and he pestered me to no end to give him a commitment to try. I was unable to even try. It turned out that he kept a LOT of secrets from me - and I never would have married him had I known his secrets.

My advice would be to retain an attorney - for you. Let him deal with the other woman. If she is prosecuted for blackmail - she deserves it. She cannot "hurt" you. You've done nothing. She can damage your husband's reputation and if that happens, it will be a mark on his reputation. That's called a consequence.

Unfortunately, when our WS's do things like this, it does come back to bite the innocent BS and we have to pay consequences, too. You can choose your consequences. Stay with him and shoulder the burden of the humiliation for what he did, or get out and hold your head up high.

That's what it boils down to, unfortunately. When your retain your lawyer, get advice on your rights. My suggestion would be to not allow your WS much time to hide assets or play games with money, in order to protect himself. He's already done that for years. He's capable.

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. You don't deserve this. I remember the pain all too well. My only regret is that I didn't go after the OW for blackmail at the time, but it is too late now.

One day you may really need the money he gave her and if that happens, every time you think of what he did, you will become very angry. I know that I am still angry over my ex's betrayal, lies and financial manipulations.

Big hugs.

MrsAshamed posted 8/5/2017 19:07 PM

I started counseling this week. So did my husband. I found out that the cell phone he had for work was actually purchased to talk to her. I can't stop crying. I feel like such a fool. I've had that phone in my hands a thousand times and never looked inside. Guess it was easy to cheat on me. Could I have been any dumber???? Everytime I start to feel a little better, a new detail sends me spiraling. I don't know if I can do this.

Joypursuit posted 8/5/2017 19:46 PM

MrsAshamed
TT is the worst. It's like being stabbed in the heart over and over again. I'm soooo sorry you're going through this! You will make it through though.

sinsof thefather posted 8/6/2017 02:46 AM

You weren't dumb MrsAshamed, you just trusted your husband. He abused that trust - this is all on him - not you.

I'm hoping he offered that up about the phone rather than you finding it out?

MrsAshamed posted 8/6/2017 09:08 AM

Yes. He offered up about the phone. He doesn't understand why it hurts me so bad that he kept in touch with her (using this 2nd phone) to pay her the hush money to keep her quiet. It feels like an 11 year old affair to me. They stopped having sex but remained in contact for 11 years. He said he told her last year that he wasn't pain her anymore money because she was then demanding that he visit her kids and allow them to call him daddy. He says he realized that she was nuts at that point, and tried to sever all ties. He swears he wanted to come clean, but couldn't bear to hurt me. Really?? Like all of this doesn't hurt. It hurts more that she disclosed the affair and not his sorry ass!! Since therapy has started, I can see that he genuinely believes that hiding this would somehow spare me the pain, but it has not. He wants tobreconcile, but Im not sure I can. This affair consumes all my free thoughts and time. I'm on sleep aids. I love him so much, and I worry about the impact leaving him will have. But I just don't know if I'll successfully reconcile. Therapy helps. I'm trying......that's all I can promise. I feel bad,but that's all I can promise. That's all I can promise him.

sinsof thefather posted 8/6/2017 12:12 PM

Oh MrsAshamed I can literally feel the pain in your words. (((Hugs)))

He can't understand how it hurts you that he kept in touch with her for 10 years? *I* can't understand how he doesn't see it! Or is he just playing dense purposely - trying to minimise the continued contact.

The fact is, if it took him until last year, after 10 YEARS of paying her money to decide she was nuts, if she was demanding he come visit the kids and let them call him Daddy, then I'd say they were having conversations still. This wasn't a 'silent' and unfriendly bank deposit transaction. He had a special phone to speak to her personally.

Until he sees the continued contact with her as a continuous betrayal - lasting 11 years - then he's still not getting it.

marji posted 8/6/2017 12:44 PM

Mrs.A It typically takes 2-5 years to get to a regular place of calm and balance again. If you are working with an good IC and if your H is working with a good IC you will be okay. ]

Try to stop thinking but R or not R--it is way too soon to make such a decision--and your H must not make you feel threatened in any way, not put any time limit on your wishes though he can express his remorse and his fears. Put your energy into doing all you can to deal with the shock and the trauma he has created.

Read as much as you find helpful in the Healing Library and any other source; there is a great deal out there about betrayal, the causes, the remedies.

Check out the BAN site--there is a lot of useful material there.

You said you were going to speak to a detective. I hope you meant the police and not a PI. Blackmail is a crime. She has been blackmailing and continues to. The police are used to hearing all sorts of stories.

Most of us feel stupid, dumb for not knowing. It is a common reaction. I learned after 35 years of marriage that my H had been going to prostitutes for ten years. I had never looked at the withdrawls in the check book till that week that changed everything.
Yes, we feel dumb. Yes, we were ignorant. That feeling will subside in time and the only one who will seem stupid is the betrayer.

Glad you found SI. It's a life saver. And great that you've started working with an SI and have sleep aids. Rest and nutrition are no 1. You will find other means to start to feel better. And you will be okay.

MrsAshamed posted 8/6/2017 20:51 PM

I have called the police dective in regards to the blackmail. I vaguely told him what was happening. He wants me to come in, talk, and bring any evidence I have so he can determine how to best assist me. Sadly to say, I haven't scheduled the meeting yet. I know I should be running to his doors, but this is so hard for me. I've been rehearsing what to say in the mirror, and I can't get it all out without sobbing!! I still haven't told a single person what's going on (except you guys and the therapist). I can't say it aloud. I type it on this blog. I write it in a locked journal. I say it to myself in the mirror. Bu I cant say it aloud yet. I'm usually a very strong willed person. I'm working up my nerve. I'm really trying guys.

marji posted 8/7/2017 08:39 AM

Good morning, Mrs.A[/bold really good that you've contacted the police and preparing yourself for the visit. Your discomfort about going is surely understandable--think we'd all feel that way-- but I'm sure the detective will be very helpful and understanding--they are trained to help people speak about awful things and used to people being very emotional and crying.

But actually you might not even have to speak much. You have documented proof that you can show. You can also simply write information instead of speaking. They're trained to help people feel comfortable.

But I think you're saying it's the shame and embarrassment of simply revealing to another what your H has done and I'm sure we all know how that feels. So on that, I'd just keep in mind that you have absolutely no obligation to go. That choice is entirely up to you. Go when and if you feel ready; . Do what is best for you at this time; this day, this week . . .You are dealing with too much already so why not keep the "have to do's" to a minimum and the "what's good for me's" to the max.

What that woman did (is doing )is criminal and she will face consequences one way or another.

twisted posted 8/7/2017 08:41 AM

Believe me, the police have seen it all before, and it will hardly raise an eyebrow with them.
Get that meeting with them scheduled, and should end that part of it for good.
One less thing.

somer222 posted 8/7/2017 12:13 PM

I hope your WS goes with you to talk to the detective. You may not have the full story but he can certainly give them all of the information they need to bring this woman to justice.

This is his mess to clean up. I, too, had a tendency to jump in and try to protect my former WS on numerous issues that arose during our marriage. I found I only had part of the information I needed.

Stay strong.

sinsof thefather posted 8/7/2017 13:17 PM

I hope your WS goes with you to talk to the detective. You may not have the full story but he can certainly give them all of the information they need to bring this woman to justice.
This. Absolutely he should be there. He's the one who's paid her for years, and he should also be there to support you.

MrsAshamed posted 8/10/2017 22:04 PM

I haven't responded to her messages or requestrian for money. I had her blocked and unfriended on facebook (I initially accepted her friend request so that I could respond when she told me about their affair); but now she's emailing me. She saying things like Im a fool for staying with my husband after he cheated and I didn't find out till 11 years later. She says I always thought I was better than everyone else and my husband's a dog. She's still threatening to oust the affair unless I pay. She's given me 30 days to respond or I'll be sorry. WTF??? I've been reading the healing library, but apparently, I'm not reading all the material. What type of human does this to sone one else?? My whole world is turNed upside down. What the hell could I have done to deserve this?? I mean, really, what have I done?? I married the man I fell in love with. I worked hard to get through school and start my career. I didn't sleep around. No affairs. Went to churh. I support charities-especially those for kids and I've always believed in karma, but this can't be karma!!!! I'm so hurt and confused. I know I should be past the shame, but I'm not. I don't want anyone else to know. Why won't she go away???

LaCroix posted 8/10/2017 22:21 PM

mouthkeptshut

"Don't believe him when he says they used condoms. My wife swore the same thing until I saw the video proving otherwise."

Your wife has a video of her having sex without a condom?

LaCroix posted 8/10/2017 22:26 PM

She won't go away because she's a home wrecker!!! DO NOT PAY HER A DIME! What a c***. Just keep doing the legal thing... ignore her.

sinsof thefather posted 8/11/2017 02:07 AM

She's given me 30 days to respond or I'll be sorry. WTF???
MrsAshamed, PLEASE take this to the police. That is the ONLY way you are going to get this parasite out of your life. I know you (wrongly) feel ashamed (you've done nothing wrong - the shame is on your husband) but you cannot keep a lid on this when the OW is aggressively pursuing you for money and threatening exposure if you don't pay.

MA, frankly, she's going to tell people anyway. Even if you pay her this time..sure as night follows day...there will be a next time that she demands more money. She's been blackmailing your husband for eleven YEARS, received $33,000 and it is STILL not enough. When he finally said 'no', she followed through and told you. Sadly just ignoring this woman is not going to work. Please, take the email to the police. Get something done about this evil person. There will be no way you can heal from this until you do.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. I hope your husband is at least trying to support you.

M1965 posted 8/11/2017 07:16 AM

Mrs A,

As has already been suggested, you can write everything down if speaking about it is too hard for you at the moment. Also, as another poster pointed out, detectives have experience of dealing with people who are upset or traumatised. They will understand your situation, and they will be gentle with you. If your WH goes with you, he can do the talking for both of you.

This does need to be handled by the police, the sooner, the better.

The reason this woman won't go away is because it has been an easy income for her for eleven years, coupled with the fact that she would need a dictionary to understand what 'morality' and 'decency' mean. The police will have seen this kind of thing before, blackmail is as old as the hills. They can help to get this parasite off your back and deal with her properly, leaving you to get on with healing.

twisted posted 8/11/2017 07:43 AM

She's given me 30 days to respond or I'll be sorry. WTF???

Call her bluff, and call the police. Let her do whatever. You have no need to feel shame, you WH, on the other hand, might, but that is his to deal with. I assure you others will only feel your pain, and have anger and disgust toward the OW's blackmail attempts.
Drive you husband to the police station and fill out the report today.

Iwantmyglasses posted 8/11/2017 08:12 AM

You are NOT her victim. Let's leave the affair to the side
For a minute.

You currently have an insane woman stalking you and threatening you.

You have the power to turn this...your family and friends do not want you to have a stalker.

I cannot believe you husband isn't driving you to the police station. Why is he okay with being blackmailed for 11 years?

She currently has all the power. Take it away from her.

I know this is so hard. Police care about victims. They know you are trapped in a horrible situation. Take away her power.

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