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I just found out (Monday) about an affair my husband had 11 years ago. Apparently, the affair lasted 6 to 8 weeks while I worked the night shift. The woman contacted me Monday via Facebook to let me know that my husband fathered her 10 y/o twins and she is looking for support. I was devastated. I'm still trying to process this. My husband broke down and admitted to the affair, but denies being the father of the kids because she had a live in boyfriend at the time of the affair, who she has also publicly named the father as well. Though I was seething mad, I was careful not to show anger towards her. My husband was the person who betrayed me. The fact that he hid this for 11 years hurts bad. I can't eat or sleep, but I feel better knowing that he can't either (we spend our nights sitting on the couch in silence). I asked her why she kept quiet so long if she needed him to support her kids. She had no answer. I explained that in order to recieve any support, paternity had to be established. She says she can't because her children have the name of her ex and he has signed the birth certificate (one of the twins is actually a Jr). I have no words. How do you cheat on your boyfriend with a married man, accuse the married man of being your kids dad, but you can't do a paternity test? I am in complete and total shock. I have no clue what to do or think. My husband wants to work it out. I love him so much, but I'm hurting so bad. What the heck am I supposed to do??

Sorry you're here.

Paternity must be established. She has proven she is a capable liar - she is lying to someone - determining who that is requires that test. Have you established if she is still with the person she named as the father? Read more on this site but many of us believe in telling the other betrayed spouse.

Is this the only affair you're husband has admitted to?? Are there others? A lot of us found out about just one to start with. Your husband lived happily with this secret for over a decade - I assume he was prepared to lie to your for the rest of your life - speaks to his character. Sounds like he is only shocked because he could be a dad not because of what he did to you.

Read the healing library and start to safeguard yourself.

Sending a huge hug.

It's all so new and fresh to you. Not knowing what to do or think is because you have no basis or frame of reference to understand any of this. There really aren't any life experiences that can prepare you for something that is beyond comprehension.

Here are some things to be mindful of:

First is your health and well being. Listen to what your body is telling you. See your doc if you are unable to sleep. Your body and mind need downtime to recover each day.

but denies being the father of the kids because she had a live in boyfriend at the time of the affair

Know that this is minimizing on his part. He in fact could be the bio father of those children.

My husband wants to work it out.

Cheaters will promise anything and everything. You don't have to make any commitment to him right now about the future of your M. You can tell him that the future of your marriage depends on his complete honesty and transparency concerning his fidelity to you. He needs to use this one time opportunity to confess to any other infidelity, emotional or physical. And be willing to take a polygraph to give you a basis upon which to trust him.

Has he paid the OW (other woman) any money over the years? Has he meet with her at any time? How and why did the affair end? Did the OW contact him before her contact with you? Again, he has a one time opportunity to be honest and transparent.

You should seek the advice of an attorney about the paternity issue to understand if there is a legal requirement for support. Ordinarily there would not be since her X signed the BC.

Read the resources in the healing library. It will begin to equip you with information and knowledge to cope with your circumstances.

Check the I Can Relate Forum for the thread concerning learning about an affair years afterward. Those folks have been through what you are going through. There is also an ICR thread on affairs that resulted in OC (other children).

Others will be along to offer you their support and advice.

Sorry that you had to find this place...but glad that you did.

He claims he has only had this one affair and that it ended because I became too suspicious. He also reports using condoms each time when I confronted him about risking my health. He says he has not seen her, but has given her money to keep her from telling me. He says he stopped paYing her last year, and knew that she would eventually tell me, but was too scared i would want a divorce to confess on his own. I just feel like a fool right now.

I really didn't see any of this coming.

Don't believe him when he says they used condoms. My wife swore the same thing until I saw the video proving otherwise.

Demand a paternity test, otherwise tell her to pound sand.

Your husband should not be paying her any money. See a lawyer. It's been so many years since the births and her ex-signed the birth certificates so legally it might be impossible for your husband to be declared the father or be responsible for support. I guess it depends on the state. Only have your husband take a paternity test if the lawyer advises him to.

Depending on the particulars of him giving her money to keep things quiet, she could be in trouble for extortion.

I am so sorry you are living through this trauma. My heart goes out to you. We have all felt like fools but we just cannot and should not be able to fathom the level at which people can lie and how low they can go. Who would expect that kind of betrayal? You shouldn't because it should never happenn.

I know what years of betrayal feel like. Looking back on things, it is so hard. You will make it though this.

Paternity must be established as other posters mentioned. If she wants money or him to be responsible, then she needs to allow that or go away. At this point, you already know she is a liar, but he has been also.

Gently, I would like to caution you to guard your heart that WS are rarely totally honest at DDay. They often minimize and protect themselves. Please get an STD panel. Even if he did use condoms, that does not protect you. He has risked your health. I know the pain of having to face that. My heart breaks for you.

Take care of yourself first in all of this. Eat, drink and take sleeping aids is you need to

Live one day at a time right now. Take care of yourself. Eat, drink, and make sure you sleep. I had to get sleep aids. Tell someone you trust so you can have some support you that loves you. Crying and anger is normal. Functionin can be hard. You don't need to make any decisions right now.

... has given her money to keep her from telling me.

The other word for that is "extortion". This woman has apparently been extorting your husband for quite some time. Paternity has not been established and she's been squeezing money out of him on the threat of telling you.

Tell the OW to either prove paternity or step off before you have her arrested. If she gives you any guff, get with an attorney. There's really nothing stopping you from going after her legally already, but you can't get blood from a turnip, so unless she's got deep pockets (and it doesn't sound like it from what you've written), you're not likely to recoup the cash.

In the meantime, this has all just been sprung on you. You need time to process it all. Consider getting into some counseling. Typically, the best advice is IC before MC, but it sounds like you need some immediate assistance on your communications and MC can help with that.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:26 PM, July 15th (Saturday)]

Thanks. I will speak with a lawyer. Ive already made an appt with my doctor and I'll ask for sleep aids then. Just being able to vent is helping me so much. I've had this all bottled in. Im so ashamed.

Actually, if her ex signed their birth certificate, HE is presumed to be their father, in the eyes of the law. I say get a lawyer and have him send a cease and desist letter. She's a con artist trying to get money from TWO men by using her kids.

She says she can't because her children have the name of her ex and he has signed the birth certificate (one of the twins is actually a Jr).

Well, if you live in the states and her husband signed the birth certificate, then paternity has already been established. She's 10 years too late. Verify that with a lawyer, however.

Of course your husband wants to 'work it out.' Most cheaters do. Just know that if he obviously hasn't had ONE shred of remorse in the last 11 years - to the point where he's been paying her hush money to keep his dirty little secret for him - then it's doubtful you'll see TRUE remorse just because you caught him. He's had 11 years to think about what he's done and he's had 11 years to do the right thing by you and chose not to.

Just be very wary of him claiming to be 'remorseful.' I think that ship sailed a long, long time ago.

There's absolutely no reason for YOU to be ashamed at all. Your husband however, is a different story.

In either event, you need to get to a lawyer NOW.

Good luck to you.

I understand the feelings of being ashamed. Embarrassed. Etc. it doesn't make sense but the feelings are real. Like somehow we failed at M or at being a Good W. I get it but IT ISN'T TRUE. You have done nothing wrong. It is his shame. You have only been a faithful trusting wife.

Welcome, MrsAshamed. I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Please spend some time reading in the Healing Library as there is a wealth of info there. Also read the Tactical Primer and Newbie threads at the top of this forum.

I understand your feelings of shame only too well (see my signature line), but know you have no reasons to be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. I know I felt utter humiliation when I was blindsided with news of my ex's first OC. That came after he was funneling her support under the table for 15+ years for the same reason - she was threatening to tell me if he didn't. This OW was also married (still is) so she was being supported by two men. When I found out, I confronted her (via email as we were in different states). I told her the gravy train was over because the law recognized her husband as the legal father and he was supporting OC. In that particular state, in order to dispute paternity it had to come from the legal father (OW's husband) since he was on the birth certificate. So I told her to fuck off and threatened her with a harassment charge if she didn't. Unfortunately, my dumbass ex didn't bother to find out he was never legally obligated to pay support since there was already a presumed legal father. That was several tens of thousands of dollars in secret support too late. Idiot.

But yes, I was humiliated that this secret was held for so long and this OC was only one month younger than my youngest child (i.e., we were pregnant at the same time). So I know how you feel.

Eventually, only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. But you don't have to decide that right away. At the very least, demand a paternity test or tell her to fuck off. The kids already have a legal father obligated to support them. Definitely talk to an attorney as laws in every state are different, and you don't need anymore surprises. Knowledge is power.

In the meantime, eat and rest as best you can. Your emotions have just begun a very long rollercoaster ride as you will find yourself feeling extremes on each end of the spectrum. Very normal, so don't feel like you are totally losing it (though it may feel that way). It takes a very long time for things to level off emotionally after being dealt this trauma, so don't expect fast results.

Hang in there, and keep posting! We're here for you!

((MA)) <------(that's a hug ))

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 9:37 PM, July 15th (Saturday)]

We talked today. Really talked. I'm hurting so much. He's being really supportive. But I am so angry. He thinks because it was 11 years ago, that somehow, it shouldn't hurt as much. IT HURTS SO BAD!! Im still processing this. He wants to make love already, like everything is ok. I love him, but nothing is ok right now. I need time and space. I can't give definite answers right now. He wants me at his side all day. He's so afraid I will ask for a divorce. Why didn't he think of me leaving him before he did this? He was my best friend. 17 years together and 12 years of marriage. I'm in so much pain. He seems remorseful, but I'm such a wreck that my judgement may be off. If I could just sleep....

Aside from the paternity nightmare, your WH's lying and your totally normal reaction to it, illustrates why I believe that until there is a confession, the affair continues.

There are a couple of issues. First, classic rugsweeping. If you just accept it was a long time ago and get over it all will be fine (his logic). That is a recipe for disaster, and will only make your resentment grow. He needs to get into IC (individual counseling) to work on WHY he felt it was okay to cheat in the first place. Remorse is a whole lot more than a few "I'm sorry's" and makeup sex.

Second, he needs to understand that he has had 11 years to come to terms with this, but it is all painfully new to you. You have been traumatized. Would he expect someone just hit by a car to shake it off? Empathy on his part is required, and is also a hallmark of true remorse (as opposed to simple regret for being caught).

Even if you can't sleep, get as much rest and fluids (not alcohol) as you can until you get to your doctor.

MrsAshamed, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Please don't feel ashamed - you've done nothing wrong. This is ALL on your husband not you. (((Hugs)))

Firsty, I'm afraid your husband has been actively lying for the last 11 years. This is NOT something that he has managed to compartmentalise to the back of his mind and not think about for 11 years - no - he's been paying her money - so he's been thinking about it (monthly?) and hiding money away from you since he found out about the twins (have you asked him when she actually told him?) This is a man used to living with what he's done and living with ongoing lies. At no point did he consider telling you, to end her blackmail, instead, after 11 years he took the route of calling her bluff. All rather than telling you the truth. That's a lot of putting himself first and a lot of lies, over a lot of years.

So at this point, your husband has a long way to go before he can be considered remorseful, or you can fully rely on him being truthful now.

My suggestions are, see a lawyer to find out the laws in your state about the children and about the extortion by the OW over the past 11 years (or however long he's been paying her - presuming your husband hasn't destroyed all the evidence - which leads to the question how did he pay her? In cash? Did they meet? Through a bank transaction? How? Did he keep her 'friendly' until he stopped paying? Did she keep him 'updated' on the kids?)

Ask your husband to take a polygraph to establish if he's now telling the truth. If he's telling the truth now he should be eager to prove it. Any waffling on agreeing will tell it's own story.

If he says yes don't assume that means he's being honest now - just book the poly. Lots of times, people still lying will agree to a test thinking this will be enough 'proof' they're telling the truth and you won't go through with it. Sometimes they even get as far as being in the parking lot for the test when suddenly you get what are known here as 'parking lot confessions', which are a few more details of truth while they are waiting to go into the test in the hope you will call it off and they don't have to go through with it. You should never trust this is full truth either - some will go to any lengths including giving 'just a little bit more truth' to stop having to take the test and save themselves from telling you the 'whole truth' If you ask him to take a poly and he agrees - go through with it.

...and most importantly, look after yourself. I'm glad that you've made an appointment with the doctor already. They can advise you about STD tests (which I'd still advise you to take) and prescribe anything else you may need. Try to eat if you can and keep hydrated - drink lots of fluids. Good Luck.

Don't confuse REGRET with remose. He has no remorse or he wouldn't have LIED to you and paid off his OW for her silence the last 11 years.

What you're seeing is REGRET that he got caught and panic that he may lose everything he's lied - and paid - to keep all these years. It's - as its been for the last 11 years - all about what HE stands to lose. It's selfishness at its best.

Someone capable of lying to you every single day for 11 years has no remorse at all. Just regret.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 7:53 AM, July 16th (Sunday)]