SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

UpInTheAirNow posted 8/4/2017 12:29 PM

Hope you went to the police. How are you doing?
Have you read the healing library in the top left corner?
Lots of good information.

somer222 posted 8/4/2017 12:55 PM

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Nine years ago, I got a call from a very nasty woman and she told me she had an "affair" with my husband. I was in shock. She called several times - I guess to drive home the point of just what an ass I'd married. I got her point.

The same day, I found she'd been blackmailing him (threatening to call me to out him) and he paid her tens of thousands of dollars. When he could no longer pay - she made good on her threat and she called me.

In time, you will likely see your situation much differently. First - you are a genuine victim.
You've done nothing wrong. It is not your job to take on his shame. As for your WS, you have confirmation that he has cheated, he has lied and he has stolen money from marital assets to try to protect himself. A lot of it. In addition, he also has shown extremely poor judgement - for years.

You may be able to "forgive", but can you ever trust him again? What other kind of damage can he cause you? What other secrets has he kept from you? That's what went through my mind nine years ago. I ended my marriage. My ex wanted
me to reconcile and he pestered me to no end to give him a commitment to try. I was unable to even try. It turned out that he kept a LOT of secrets from me - and I never would have married him had I known his secrets.

My advice would be to retain an attorney - for you. Let him deal with the other woman. If she is prosecuted for blackmail - she deserves it. She cannot "hurt" you. You've done nothing. She can damage your husband's reputation and if that happens, it will be a mark on his reputation. That's called a consequence.

Unfortunately, when our WS's do things like this, it does come back to bite the innocent BS and we have to pay consequences, too. You can choose your consequences. Stay with him and shoulder the burden of the humiliation for what he did, or get out and hold your head up high.

That's what it boils down to, unfortunately. When your retain your lawyer, get advice on your rights. My suggestion would be to not allow your WS much time to hide assets or play games with money, in order to protect himself. He's already done that for years. He's capable.

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. You don't deserve this. I remember the pain all too well. My only regret is that I didn't go after the OW for blackmail at the time, but it is too late now.

One day you may really need the money he gave her and if that happens, every time you think of what he did, you will become very angry. I know that I am still angry over my ex's betrayal, lies and financial manipulations.

Big hugs.

MrsAshamed posted 8/5/2017 19:07 PM

I started counseling this week. So did my husband. I found out that the cell phone he had for work was actually purchased to talk to her. I can't stop crying. I feel like such a fool. I've had that phone in my hands a thousand times and never looked inside. Guess it was easy to cheat on me. Could I have been any dumber???? Everytime I start to feel a little better, a new detail sends me spiraling. I don't know if I can do this.

Joypursuit posted 8/5/2017 19:46 PM

MrsAshamed
TT is the worst. It's like being stabbed in the heart over and over again. I'm soooo sorry you're going through this! You will make it through though.

sinsof thefather posted 8/6/2017 02:46 AM

You weren't dumb MrsAshamed, you just trusted your husband. He abused that trust - this is all on him - not you.

I'm hoping he offered that up about the phone rather than you finding it out?

MrsAshamed posted 8/6/2017 09:08 AM

Yes. He offered up about the phone. He doesn't understand why it hurts me so bad that he kept in touch with her (using this 2nd phone) to pay her the hush money to keep her quiet. It feels like an 11 year old affair to me. They stopped having sex but remained in contact for 11 years. He said he told her last year that he wasn't pain her anymore money because she was then demanding that he visit her kids and allow them to call him daddy. He says he realized that she was nuts at that point, and tried to sever all ties. He swears he wanted to come clean, but couldn't bear to hurt me. Really?? Like all of this doesn't hurt. It hurts more that she disclosed the affair and not his sorry ass!! Since therapy has started, I can see that he genuinely believes that hiding this would somehow spare me the pain, but it has not. He wants tobreconcile, but Im not sure I can. This affair consumes all my free thoughts and time. I'm on sleep aids. I love him so much, and I worry about the impact leaving him will have. But I just don't know if I'll successfully reconcile. Therapy helps. I'm trying......that's all I can promise. I feel bad,but that's all I can promise. That's all I can promise him.

sinsof thefather posted 8/6/2017 12:12 PM

Oh MrsAshamed I can literally feel the pain in your words. (((Hugs)))

He can't understand how it hurts you that he kept in touch with her for 10 years? *I* can't understand how he doesn't see it! Or is he just playing dense purposely - trying to minimise the continued contact.

The fact is, if it took him until last year, after 10 YEARS of paying her money to decide she was nuts, if she was demanding he come visit the kids and let them call him Daddy, then I'd say they were having conversations still. This wasn't a 'silent' and unfriendly bank deposit transaction. He had a special phone to speak to her personally.

Until he sees the continued contact with her as a continuous betrayal - lasting 11 years - then he's still not getting it.

marji posted 8/6/2017 12:44 PM

Mrs.A It typically takes 2-5 years to get to a regular place of calm and balance again. If you are working with an good IC and if your H is working with a good IC you will be okay. ]

Try to stop thinking but R or not R--it is way too soon to make such a decision--and your H must not make you feel threatened in any way, not put any time limit on your wishes though he can express his remorse and his fears. Put your energy into doing all you can to deal with the shock and the trauma he has created.

Read as much as you find helpful in the Healing Library and any other source; there is a great deal out there about betrayal, the causes, the remedies.

Check out the BAN site--there is a lot of useful material there.

You said you were going to speak to a detective. I hope you meant the police and not a PI. Blackmail is a crime. She has been blackmailing and continues to. The police are used to hearing all sorts of stories.

Most of us feel stupid, dumb for not knowing. It is a common reaction. I learned after 35 years of marriage that my H had been going to prostitutes for ten years. I had never looked at the withdrawls in the check book till that week that changed everything.
Yes, we feel dumb. Yes, we were ignorant. That feeling will subside in time and the only one who will seem stupid is the betrayer.

Glad you found SI. It's a life saver. And great that you've started working with an SI and have sleep aids. Rest and nutrition are no 1. You will find other means to start to feel better. And you will be okay.

MrsAshamed posted 8/6/2017 20:51 PM

I have called the police dective in regards to the blackmail. I vaguely told him what was happening. He wants me to come in, talk, and bring any evidence I have so he can determine how to best assist me. Sadly to say, I haven't scheduled the meeting yet. I know I should be running to his doors, but this is so hard for me. I've been rehearsing what to say in the mirror, and I can't get it all out without sobbing!! I still haven't told a single person what's going on (except you guys and the therapist). I can't say it aloud. I type it on this blog. I write it in a locked journal. I say it to myself in the mirror. Bu I cant say it aloud yet. I'm usually a very strong willed person. I'm working up my nerve. I'm really trying guys.

marji posted 8/7/2017 08:39 AM

Good morning, Mrs.A[/bold really good that you've contacted the police and preparing yourself for the visit. Your discomfort about going is surely understandable--think we'd all feel that way-- but I'm sure the detective will be very helpful and understanding--they are trained to help people speak about awful things and used to people being very emotional and crying.

But actually you might not even have to speak much. You have documented proof that you can show. You can also simply write information instead of speaking. They're trained to help people feel comfortable.

But I think you're saying it's the shame and embarrassment of simply revealing to another what your H has done and I'm sure we all know how that feels. So on that, I'd just keep in mind that you have absolutely no obligation to go. That choice is entirely up to you. Go when and if you feel ready; . Do what is best for you at this time; this day, this week . . .You are dealing with too much already so why not keep the "have to do's" to a minimum and the "what's good for me's" to the max.

What that woman did (is doing )is criminal and she will face consequences one way or another.