SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't found this blog. I'm in so much pain. I didn't know I could hurt this bad, but being able to seek advice and listen to others going through what I am is priceless right now. I'm going to survive this. I know that now.

I understand the...so much pain you didn't know you could hurt so bad. It can be overwhelming and brutal. It is nothing Like ever thought it would be. I did not think it would happen to me like a bad movie, but I am a star. We all understand the pain and trauma. ((Hugs))

Of course he would like to act that way. It would be easier if everything was just ok, but it isn't. He can't understand how you feel. He has to face all of his lies and deception. Who would want to do that? A remorseful person.

I hope you guys will consider C to navigate this crisis. Please take one day st a time. Respectfully, he doesn't get to decide how you feel or react. Sorry!

15 years later here😩. It sucks. I am almost 9 months since finding out and I am all over the place. How could the man who swears up and down he loves me so much and who I have children with lie to me every day. If he can lie to me every day how many other lies are there? Yet he seems truly devastated. He can't eat some days and has trouble sleeping. He does everything I ask of him that is possible. Because this happened so long ago you won't get all the answers....that sucks too if you are like me as we want all the answers. I can't dig as too long ago. I can't trust him.

I just wanted you to know there are other like you. I hope you can get past this.

1st day back at work since I found out. This sucks!! Can't concentrate. Keep staring off in space. Wanna cry, but can't do it here. I feel so bad right now.

Hang in there! ((MA))

As Cham Tea and others have said, see a lawyer, have him call her to set up a paternity test and strongly imply a case for having her charged with extortion, should it prove negative.

At 11 yrs old, have you seen these twins?

Yes. I've seen the twins. But they were with their dad-the guy that signed the birth certificate and gave them his last name. Back then, I didn't know about the affair. We all lived in the same town. My youngest daughter and her middle child played on the same t ball team. So I saw them all alot. I just didn't know about the affair.

So I saw them all a lot.

Wow. That must be painful. But just remember that you and the man who thought he was their father were the ones living authentically during that time. Whenever you were all in the same place, it's the OW and your WH that were living the lie. It's they who should feel embarrassed and ashamed, not you.

I hope you manage to get through your first day back at work OK.

It is so hard. I think many of us will say we still find days we cant concentrate or focus to much on it.......

Hang in there.........

Its been two weeks since I found out about the affair. I'm doing better, but I cant get it out of my head. I loved my husband so much. I've never thought of anyone else since we met. We've been talking. He wants an answer about reconciliation. I don't have one. I wanna stay, part of me is scared to go. But if he will hide an affair and possible love child for 11 years, what else is he capabe of? I have no trust. Hes willing to do counseling, paternity testing, and lie detector testing. He says he'll do whatever I want. I wanted a faithful husband. That's what I still want. I'm not sure he can give that to me. I wanna know if the twins are his, but she is refusing paternity testing. I'm so confused about this. Why did she contact me about this affair, name my husband as their father, then refuse paternity testing. How does she know he's the father when shes admitted to me that she was sleeping with 3 more people?? But around town, her boyfriend is who they call dad and who she named to be the father in the community. I'm so mad at my husband. He slept with this woman for 6 to 8 weeks, knowing she had a live in boyfriend and he also knew about at leaSt one other lover. It was someone he knows. How could he risk my health??? How could he choose someone so loose?? IS there anyway to force her for paternity? ? I just have to know. Meanwhile, I'm on sleep aids just to rest at night. Still can't eat much, I've lost 14 lbs. My husband wants me to put this behind me, and I am so ashamed and hurt. I've seen my doctor and gyn. No Stds. I'm in good physical health. I'm looking for counselor and laywer. I'm going to survive. But this is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.

So sorry this is happening. Your reaction is normal because the pain is so bad. The betrayal, the lies... The way they give themselves permission to do this to us... I am in pain myself at the moment so I can only tell you to try and stay strong and to hang in there . Wishing you the best.

Okay. I'm devastated again!! This woman has contacted me for money. I told her that she will have to prove paternity before any child support will be paid. She says she's not having a paternity test, but she will tell all my colleagues, family, and friends about this matter if I do not give her 500 dollars. I dont owe her anything!! Why is she bothering me? My husband had the affair with her.I'm so ashamed already and I need privacy. I really don't want to answer questions to anyone right now. I'm Trying to come to terms with what has transpired and move forward with my life. What kind of person does this?? I don't know what to do.

I would not pay a dime without a paternity test. If you pay once she'll keep shaking you down. I would say that if she buys a drugstore paternity kit, takes a swab from her child, seals it, and then gives the kit to you, you will get a sample from your husband and send it in for testing, with you reimbursing the kit ($30) and test ($100). If she declines, then just never respond to her again in any way.

You are too upset to realize it now, but that woman just handed you a gift.

Please tell me it was in some form of written communication. That would be the bow on top.

What she just did is called blackmail. Highly illegal. Personally, I'd file a police report. At the very least, though, you now have a very large piece of ammunition to work with.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

That's extortion,and illegal. Call the police. File charges.

This isn't his kid. I'd bet the farm on it. She saw your husband as any easy target,told him it was his kid, and blackmailed him. When that stopped, she started with you.

As has been suggested here, you need to get to a LAWYER NOW.

You didn't indicate whether you're in the US or not, but if you're in the US, then paternity has ALREADY BEEN ESTABLISHED. She obviously needs money and that's why you're hearing from her years later (that and apparently your husband stopped paying her 'hush' money). I don't believe you can force a DNA test at this late stage because it would be horribly upsetting to the two innocent kids who have always believed their dad was the poor schmuck who was stuck with this tramp when she was pregnant and assumed they were his children.

As far as your completely remorseless husband is concerned, all he's doing is looking out for number #1. He's afraid you're going to divorce him and that's why he's being a Stage IV clinger - because HE stands to lose something. Your pain and devastation aren't his top concern - avoiding divorce court is. For him, this is all about REGRET, not remorse.

I see a lot of "he wants" and "he says" in your posts and it just proves how self-absorbed and how utterly selfish he really is - because it's ALL ABOUT HIM and nothing to do with your pain.

He's completely remorseless.

"He wants" an answer about reconciliation - he doesn't deserve squat right now and he certainly doesn't deserve reconciliation. For the last 11 years and right up to this minute, it's been all about saving his OWN hide. "He wants me to put this behind me" - of course he does. Because it benefits HIM and he doesn't lose anything.

If you reconcile with this completely selfish, unremorseful man, you won't be in true reconciliation. I can't stress that enough to you.

As I said in my last post, he's had 11 YEARS to choke up some remorse and he still has none to this day. It's just ALL about protecting is own hide.

She says she's not having a paternity test, but she will tell all my colleagues, family, and friends about this matter if I do not give her 500 dollars.

This is an extortion attempt. Did she commit that threat to writing? If not, don't respond to it. Close up any avenues for verbal threats where you can't prove she's trying to blackmail you.

Do not forget that exposure to the community also exposes her. She's hoping to continue squeezing you for cash and probably not thinking about the fact that what she's doing can put her in an orange jumpsuit. If she contacts you again, get it on the record and then tell her that if you hear one more threat from her you'll be going straight to the DA to have her arrested on extortion charges.

Wow this is awful.

I would not respond to the "mother" of the twins. Let her tell anyone she wants. She will be digging her own dark hole. When her kids find out (and they will) she will have to explain it to them.

She is refusing paternity for one reason only - she knows it isn't true that your H is the father or she cannot be 100% sure. She cannot risk being wrong.

Save every email or text and see an attorney. Then file charges if she doesn't cease.

You are under NO OBLIGATION to give your H any answers on your M or yiur future together. Get a therapist or counselor for yourself. Tell him he is to stop pressuring you and YOU will let him know when you made a decision.

He now wants something to ease his guilt yet chose to lie by ommission all these years. You owe him nothing right now and he needs counseling too. Plus an idea of how much $ he have to this POS of a mom.

Glad you found us at SI and we are all here to support you. In whatever you choose.

Yes. It is in writing. She doesnt have my phone number, just sends me pm messages on facebook and was able to get an email address from there. I haven't responded. I don't know what to say. I'm not giving my money to her, but I'm scared to death of having her tell people about this affair. I'm a very private person. I'm so ashamed, though I know I didn't do anything wrong. I just found and hired a counselor and started to eat again. I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with her. What type of lawyer handles a situation like this??

First, let me just say how very sorry that I am that this is happening and what a total dickhead your WS is throughout this ordeal. Lying and manipulating you throughout the last decade plus and now trying to manipulate you further by pressuring you to decide to R... well.

Anyway, back to this completely insane OW... do NOT engage with her anymore AT ALL. From here on in, every exchange you have with her should be via your attorney. If she *outs* this to the general public, there isn't much you can do about that but I completely understand why this would just heap more humiliation on you. Believe me, I get that. But you can't control her and she's clearly an unstable, desperate, manipulative grade A, class one bitch.

Seek legal advice and start to get the wheels in motion towards a restraining order or a charge of extortion. Or both. You want to see a lawyer with a criminal background in addition to family law.

I would very seriously think about telling your kids what's going on. At the very least they'll understand why you're so upset. And it may head off any attempt that the OW might make to get to them. Circle your wagons but I'm not sure that your WS deserves to be inside.

Hugs to you.