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MidnightRun posted 7/25/2017 17:28 PM


No need for continued questioning.

Even a blind man can see that she's flat-out lying.

In his house, and only leg-touching?

If you believe that, I'd like to sell you some swamp land in Arizona.

Get the counseling, and take care of yourself.

And, of course, the new sex is fueled by guilt.

The OM's wife should go ballistic once she's fully informed.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:39 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

theaterguy posted 7/25/2017 19:43 PM

Hey Pine....a sad welcome but you are getting some incredible free advice from people who have walked the path before you. I did find something interesting......."Said I would not forgive later if I learned more", who says that is there isn't 'more'? I'm afraid there is more but you sound like you are prepared for it. I told my fiancé that it I ever found out more later then she would come home and I'd simply be gone. No explanation as she would know why. Also, my physician said my health couldn't take TT (I had 2 heart attacks. I shared his comment with her)The TT stopped and the truth came out. We are on the road to R but I laid out in written form what is required and she has followed it to a T. Trust, but verify is my motto now. Good luck to you. Please keep us posted.
Oh, BTW, I was also taken back by her request for you to 'punish' her. Weird.

JC109 posted 7/25/2017 20:51 PM

Pineapple, I am sorry you are going through this. I am 4 months from D-Day and this has been horrific...most of us here know your pain.

One thing caught my attention in that text you found after the OM's goodby party. he said "it was fun as always". "As always"?? how many goodbye parties does he have per week. That to me speaks of his situation with your wife and not the party. And they both arrived late?

Whether she had a PA or not is somewhat irrelevant. She was obviously planning on it and the only thing that stopped her was you finding out. So she was definitely emotionally attached to him and ready to cheat on you physically. That is called an affair. She lied to you, brought another man into your marriage, broke her marriage vows. Even without a PA. So don't get so caught up on that.

If you ask me....Two years, emotionally involved, spending time alone, seeing him in another city where she took the kids....all bad. They are not 12 year olds. Adults get horny. I don't see how they could have waited so long to have sex. Get ready for the truth. Or assume it now.

Stevesn posted 7/25/2017 21:28 PM

Did u contact the OBS?

MidnightRun posted 7/25/2017 23:52 PM


You're married to a liar.


Dismayed2012 posted 7/26/2017 12:11 PM

After reading your posts, others may have already said it but this is what I see.

1. She's been having sex with the OM the whole time. Evidenced by her trying on you what he taught her in bed and her worries about the poly.

2. She's hasn't revealed everything, specifically the PA. Evidenced again by worry over the poly.

3. She had sex with the OM at his house. There's no other reason for her to be there. My ex did the same thing.

4. She's using new sex to manipulate you and you're partly falling for it. You're trying to give her the benefit of the doubt when she doesn't deserve it. Just realize that she learned those things from the OM.

5. I could be mis-reading but you seem to be wavering on the poly. Poly's are surprisingly accurate. She's hoping that she can shake your resolve on it by saying she's 'ready and willing', and because of her obvious honesty and willingness to provide a few details, convince you that it's not needed.

6. She cheated on her previous spouse. She admitted to hanging out with younger guys skiing and her previous BS being upset about it. Why, if there was nothing going on, would he be concerned? She did the same thing to you. She's lying when she says her ex was the cause of first D; standard cheater behavior.

Don't believe her. Don't allow great sex (taught by OM) to sway you. She's not who you thought she was. She's proven herself to be a liar and manipulator. She has controlled you and lied to you, and is lying and trying to control you now.

You've got a snake on your hands. She's hoping to inject enough venom in you that you fall back into the sleep that she's had you in all along.

Sorry that she's put you in this situation.

Pineapple posted 7/26/2017 16:30 PM

Called the OBS yesterday and we talked for a while. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. She says that her husband and her have complete transparency and he has kept her informed all along. She dismissed my W's lies and deceit by suggesting she was just afraid of my reaction. Felt to me like OM had already steered her perception of me as controlling and or angry, something like that. OBS suggested we get relationship counseling. Said she had no problem with her H meeting my W out of town for lunch/dinner/drinks. I didn't tell her what W told me that OM had said about my W or about her, as it really didn't seem like the type of thing to share given how the conversation had gone to that point. Kept it polite the whole time. So about the most I think can come from this conversation is that OBS talks with OM and OM steers clear.

Also had a couple's session with a counselor and we have both set up IC sessions as well. Cart ahead of horse, I know, but I felt okay with the MC session.

Proceeding forward on other points. Maybe I have the full account of things already, maybe not. No change of plans to follow through on poly, etc.

MidnightRun posted 7/26/2017 16:50 PM

Of course OM did an end run.

Send OBS timeline provided by your wife, and include all the personal stuff divulged in the conversations between WW and OBS (leg-touching, for sure).

Have your wife sign it.

OBS, as most do, want to believe in their spouse.

Thus, she thinks it was just 'tea time'.

Good luck.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 5:03 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

MidnightRun posted 7/26/2017 16:50 PM

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:55 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

antlered posted 7/26/2017 21:21 PM

CopiousTears You owe me a mouthful of beer plus the cleaning bill to get it off my laptop.!
Pu$$y Coma

OP, my brother. On the one hand I am so very happy for you that the kitchen has recently served up got2 (3?) previously off-the-menu sex items. That being said... the ladies here have the call 100%... and so do the gents. You are being lied to.

You're not stupid. Don't let yourself be distracted for long, ok?

[This message edited by antlered at 9:23 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

Sharkman posted 7/26/2017 21:22 PM

Your wife warned him that it was coming, he prepared and it came.

Not the first time that this has happened here. Not by a long shot.

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/26/2017 21:28 PM

You don;t know anything about the OBS and if she puts up with his As because he has them all the time and she doesn't care or he is a better liar than your WW is. Keep going with your gut and remember what you said in your first post:

What else don't I know I ask? Then she admits she met with him while I was taking the kids on a camping trip the month prior (she doesn't go on those trips because she doesn't like to camp and enjoys some alone time she has always maintained). Lied to me about it, said she was taking a girlfriend from work to a concert when in fact she went with OM. Alarms are going off at this point. Tells me she has been going to happy hours pretty often with him alone and sometimes groups from work for quite a while and lying to me about working late instead.

add on the out of town biz trips, "attempted" meetups and other new info, I think there maybe some fire behind the the poly still in the mix?

GoldenR posted 7/26/2017 23:53 PM

You do realize that your wife warned him that you were going to talk to his wife, don't you?

Jduff posted 7/27/2017 01:27 AM

Felt to me like OM had already steered her perception of me as controlling and or angry, something like that

That's straight out of the cheater's handbook. Ask yourself what reason does this OBS have to fear you and tell you to go get relationship counseling? She was clearly sold by the OM that you are as described above. Now, why in the hell would the OM need to do this? Because he has something to hide!

This is the primary reason we tell the betrayed spouses not to warn or hint at the WS about exposing the A to the OBS. Get a packet of evidence together and provide to the OBS.

Sharkman posted 7/27/2017 02:04 AM

I do want to caution slowing down to gather evidence now. It was at least an emotional affair by your wife's description, but there are no other red areas to explore without your wife volunteering something or scheduling a poly.

JC109 posted 7/27/2017 17:04 PM

I agree with this statement ^^^^
You won't get much more from her or anybody else. The next step is to press on the polygraph and do it. That way you will know for sure if you have been lied to in the past three weeks or not. From there you'll have to decide. But pushing for more confessions and evidence outside of the polygraph is a moot point right now.

twisted posted 7/27/2017 17:13 PM

[This message edited by twisted at 5:16 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

TimelessLoss posted 7/29/2017 08:35 AM


How are you doing?

Pineapple posted 7/30/2017 21:57 PM

Been focused on getting into a better place -- working with my doctor and have managed more than 3 hours sleep for the past couple of nights and started to get my daily exercise routing going again over the weekend. My manager at work has been tremendously understanding of my situation.

Next up is the poly, will work on developing a short list to interview and select from this week.

Phone #2 is currently "missing." That after W graciously offered me unhindered access to all her electronic devices. Maybe it was accidentally left in a hotel room?

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/31/2017 01:01 AM

Oh brother...was this a work phone? It may be at the bottom of a swimming pool or accidentally run over in the garage.

Do you think she will fight taking the poly? Ya know because if "you can't trust her then she may as well leave now..."

Be ready for some more TT.

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