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MickeyBill2016 posted 7/15/2017 18:28 PM

Sadly it looks like the tip of the iceberg as she is in the panic CYA mode.

I love you. Nothing's going on. Nothing's ever gone on. I would not lie to you. I don't find him attractive. I'm not even sure if his body parts down there even function due to war injuries."

5 out of 6 of those statements are probably lies.

1 to 1 happy hours and concerts, out of town trips together, demeaning you to the OM and the hysterical bonding. all fall into the cheater pattern.
Asking you to hit her as punishment is a pretty good sign that she knows how badly she messed up and wants you have guilt.

She knows she will fail a poly, a person with a clean conscience would be willing to take it.

I think you need to prep for a rough ride as the next few days/weeks unfold. The good thing is if you pay attention here you will have a good idea of what she will do and not be blindsided by her next moves.

Good luck and hang in there.

jackfl posted 7/15/2017 20:09 PM

Man Pineapple, I'm so sorry you are here. Your story was a gut punch for me. Thank god for SSRI's. I'm fresh to the club as well and it's been a tough 7 weeks. I've been a hero for adhering to six long weeks of no contact, I mean zero. Then I crumbled like blue cheese after a random encounter with her(ex-WGF)and her little girl. Please listen to these people here. Act now. Go nuclear now. Expose it, expose him, your wife, your pain. You won't be able to save yourself or your marriage if you don't initiate defcon 1 NOW. Burn it down to the ground to save it, brother. Sorry but everyone here is right, it is always so much worse than the intial trickle. Be resolute. Be strong. Praying for you to see this through.

sadtoo posted 7/15/2017 21:40 PM

Her request for you to hit her struck me weird. My first reaction was, "OMG! Her and the OM are into S&M!"

Just my gut reaction.

Pineapple posted 7/15/2017 21:41 PM

Sitting in airport restroom only place I can get privacy. W has agreed to lie detector after trip but is freaking out about false positives. Her mood has deteriorated drastically. Says maybe we should hold off on any sex during vacation.

I will try to read more comments and the suggested links when I can get occasional privacy. Family vacay is going to be a doozy. Already prepped kids that we are having a tough time but love them and they are our priority. Both kids have seen me crying for the first time in their lives this past week. This really sucks. No alcohol for me this vacation. Thank you all for your support.

TimelessLoss posted 7/15/2017 21:44 PM


Don't feel that you may have confronted her too early.

She and the OM have by now come up with another way to communicate since her phone is compromised.

She may get a burner phone. You can try a voice activated recorder in her car. You can put a GPS in her car.

Protect your health. Get a full panel of STD/STI teats. Tell her you are doing that because she has consistently lied to you. And that you're not concerned that there may be a false positive. Tell her that sex is off the table until you get your results, and she is tested and you see the test results. Tell her that this is a consequence of her lying.

You can't make her take a polygraph. Tell her that any false positive rate is still lower than the extent of her proven lying.

Look for a burner phone. Contact the OBS. Use a VAR. Change the current status quo.

sadtoo posted 7/15/2017 21:46 PM

W has agreed to lie detector after trip but is freaking out about false positives.

Typical wayward behavior. Prepping you for the FAIL. Trying to convince you it is only because it's a "false fail". Forge ahead.

Pineapple posted 7/15/2017 21:59 PM

Can't do VAR in vehicle, W drives constantly changing pool cars from her work.

Yeah the writing is all over the wall on this. Nothing I can do but be strong and push through it. Got to be strong for my kids. This course was probably set two, three maybe four years ago. Would explain how badly she has treated me for so long.

Phoenix1 posted 7/15/2017 22:00 PM

Prepping you for the FAIL. Trying to convince you it is only because it's a "false fail". Forge ahead.

This ^^^. And that's why her mood is changing. She KNOWS she is going to fail and the proverbial shit is about to hit the fan. She is going into panic mode. You may get that parking lot confession yet!

Try to enjoy your vacay as much as you can for your kids. I know it's hard though.

bobdobalina posted 7/15/2017 22:06 PM

I don't think you need a confession she has made you look like a ass and has been physical with him without a doubt .
Even to the point of making you meet him to try and get approval of the guy she's cheating with.
I know I couldn't go on holidays with her after finding out this trauma I'd be floored. Best of luck

jigga114 posted 7/15/2017 22:19 PM

W has agreed to lie detector after trip but is freaking out about false positives. Her mood has deteriorated drastically. Says maybe we should hold off on any sex during vacation.

That just sounds like grade A manipulation. You see, she is banking on you folding and moving on from the poly. I know I don't need to say this, but do not yield on the poly. See it through even if you get a parking lot confession. If it means no sex in the mean time, so be it. The truth is more useful and valuable than all the sex in the world.

She's also manipulating you by throwing herself at you sexually in the hope that you will stop asking questions and just enjoy the present turn of events. Do not fall for that. In your shoes, I would abstain from sex until you are reasonably confident you have the truth and both of you are willing to give R a chance. Sex now will just cloud your mind and blur the lines.

Your WW's behavior is text book, and you should trust your gut. It's telling you there is more to this story, and I would bet the house there is. Keep digging. Better to find out the whole truth now than 5, 10 years down the line. Her quick claim that his parts "don't work" is a huge red flag. I have lots of friends of the opposite sex, and never once have I discussed my "parts" with any of them in any context, because that is none of their business. Best of luck and stay strong brother.

waitedwaytoolong posted 7/16/2017 00:39 AM

I agree with the others. She has already had sex with her. My wife's AP was the same kind of alpha guy up until he was begging me not to tell his wife.

It also fits the profile with this type of setting up situations where the AP meets or spends time with you. They like to put the OP in the position of being oblivious that they are banging their wife. It is about the biggest alpha move you can make.

The fact that my wife put me in that position is as unforgivable as the sex.

Sharkman posted 7/16/2017 01:25 AM

Get Teenfree or whatever on her phone so you can monitor. dont let her know this.

Pineapple posted 7/16/2017 09:21 AM

Had more chance to talk with W on flight. I am certain she wants to work on our marriage as do I. She has agreed to the poly. She says she is confident of the outcome, knows there was nothing physical. I am heartened by this. I got a better idea of how many times W deceived over one on one happy hours with OM, thinks it was in the ballpark of about 10x she lied to me about it over past 1.5-2 years. She knows she messed up with the lying and deceit.

I once asked for us years ago to get MC and she balked. I eventually resigned myself to our R being what it was and found my coping mechanism in endurance sports. Get my daily endorphin fix. Long weekend bike ride and run to give her space and me a release. When she started asking about MC later, I turned a deaf ear. I had found my way to cope and had decided MC couldn't fix our situation. I was wrong not to jump on the chance at that point. I guess her coping mechanism was different. I love her. We will get through this. Whatever the results of the poly, I will accept things and move forward. We will come out of this stronger.

TimelessLoss posted 7/16/2017 10:38 AM


Her acceptance of the poly is the first good sign I've seen from her. The future of the marriage only has a chance if she is honest and transparent and you have a basis to accept that you know most of the essential aspects of her adultery.

Best to get that lined up and done when you get back. There is a whole lot of member expertise on the poly including finding the right sort of examiner (someone who has done lots of infidelity related polys, someone with law enforcement related poly experience) to drafting the 3-4 questions that will be asked (the experienced poly examiner will refine those).

I'm concerned about her using "weaponized" sex, first over the top, then withholding. The flip flop may be a reflection that she is losing control of the situation and is grasping at ways to manipulate a favorable outcome.

Dial in the poly. Ask your wife for a written timeline of everything. This locks her into a story and the timeline itself can be the basis for a poly question.

The OBS deserves to know the truth of her H's adultery. Just insure that your communication with her is verifiable. That you in fact are communicating with her and her H hasn't intercepted your communication. You can assume that your W has told him you know about the A.

Communicating with the OBS will be the best A killer. At some point you have to establish a boundary that your W has no contact with the OM.

You're taking great steps to get yourself out of infidelity.

Stay strong. Keep posting when you can.

PlanC posted 7/16/2017 10:54 AM

She's shown herself to be a liar and manipulator. If you had hit her as punishment, as requested, would the physical evidence or picture have somehow been used against you in divorce proceedings?

You need to accept the possibility that she only cares about herself and that she may be getting her own divorce plan put together, one where she gets the kids and you get nothing.

She agrees to the poly so she'll have a good vacation. No need to mention it further on your trip but book it once you get back and see it through because she is still lying to you.

Ginny posted 7/16/2017 11:28 AM

She is manipulating you. Beware. I am so sorry but this really sounds like a long term physical affair. Contact the other spouse (without telling your wife) and watch how fast the Other Man drops your wife.

Do you REALLY want to be with someone who has betrayed you for possibly years? We expect more than that from our worst enemies. She should be doing everything you ask, without reservation, to prove she wants to rebuild what she has destroyed. Do NOT let her love bomb or sex bomb you. It's a classic manipulation tactic by waywards. Stand your ground on the polygraph. Expect her to make a parking lot confession of some more information. Follow through with it anyway! Your wife is behaving as if she is reading from the (fictional) Cheater's Manual.

[This message edited by Ginny at 2:15 PM, July 16th (Sunday)]

Used2bhappy10 posted 7/16/2017 12:05 PM

Log into your cell phone carrier account.

It will show all phone numbers texted going back years. If she is account lead all the actual texts going back 90 days prior will be ther in full view.

Wishing you well during the shit storm.

Smillie posted 7/16/2017 12:07 PM

Book the poly and then drop the subject. In the meantime.....put a concealed recording device in her car and a gps tracker. This could be an emotional affair but the wild sex she gave you looks guilty.

If I was paranoid I would think purple heart was coaching her. She might have broken off contact with him, however, it is equally as likely that they have taken their communication underground. If they are still communicating, then snooping on their chats will be the most revealing thing.

Is there no way you can do some more recovery on the phone? (If you can then do it without her knowledge)

You can keep badgering her for the truth but if she is lying then she will lie and if she is being truthful then she will tell you the truth. Either way asking her seems pointless because you won't feel satisfied with her answers. It's better to be sneaky and try and catch her out. Then you have a better chance of getting the whole story.

As an afterthought.....

Do they have any mutual friends from her old job? She is using girlfriends for cover so it is likely they are aware of anything. Check out her friends chats too.....see if any have been deleted.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:23 PM, July 16th (Sunday)]

Tren0R201 posted 7/16/2017 12:20 PM


Seriously, your wife may have had sex with him just once but once is enough to do damage that may last a lifetime.

And from your own description of the OM, what is the likelihood they would have just hung out and played cards or watched TV?

Trtroles posted 7/16/2017 12:30 PM

She is lying my friend.She was having affair for years.How many times you asked her to stop seeing him?You were uncomfortable with this "friendship" and asked her to stop it,but she didnt want to.She even introduced you to him,WOW.
All those happy hours,lunches,trips with OM are stolen from you and your kids.She refused to go camping with her family so she could spend time with OM.I dont see any love for you.Her actions speak a lot.
Low sex drive-she was with OM so she didnt want two men at the time.I know this hurts but just look at her behaviour right now.
Tell the other wife,she deserves to know.
Next time your wife goes on trip same story will happen.

[This message edited by Trtroles at 12:33 PM, July 16th (Sunday)]

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