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Sharkman posted 8/16/2017 17:01 PM

You're going to the grave knowing that it probably was physical. You need the assurance of a clean poly for you, not her.

Healing doesn't begin without absolute trust

Sananman posted 8/16/2017 17:08 PM

Pineapple... you life, your marriage, your call. You might want to let the new information sink in before you commit to reconciliation. I'm not going to pole on the 'divorce her now' and 'you are making a mistake' messages that will soon be heading your way... But give yourself time to think on this new piece of the puzzle.

If you are going the reconciliation route if you live in a state that allows for pose-nuptial agreements PLEASE look into getting one and getting one that is as favorable to you as possible.

You are about to go into what almost everyone can see is going to be very high risk reconciliation... the post-nup won't stop future cheating or future revelations but it will help minimize the cost and complexity of a future divorce if it all blows up on you down the line.

Also PLEASE establish well defined boundries... don't leave any wiggle room. You must be willing to enforce the boundaries (why the post nup is important if they are allowed where you live).

Stevesn posted 8/16/2017 17:08 PM

I think I said it a few pages back, but I'll restate it one more time.

I'd sit her down and tell her that building a new marriage on a set of lies will make success unlikely.

Ask her if she really wants to spend the next 30-40 years, the rest of her life, living and hiding a lie?

If it were me I'd tell her that I will commit to IC and then later MC if she would completely tell you the truth.

After that, leave her a pad and pen and if she hasn't given a written timeline before tell her you need one now. If she has, give it back and ask her to write in what she omitted before.

If she comes to you with the real truth then begin the work. If she adds nothing new, tell her you're not optimistic that rug sweeping is going to make for a happy life for either of you.

If you're still hellbent with trying without the truth, that is then your choice.

xhz700 posted 8/16/2017 17:16 PM

I hate to be this blunt, but you aren't capable of putting this behind you forever.

Killian posted 8/16/2017 17:26 PM

Sorry for your pain.

If I read this correct, you discovered there was more to the EA than she stated. She also failed miserably when asked about the PA. She says she didn't, examiner says she is lying, and it was not even in doubt.
Your WW is now turning on the water faucet, and still insisting there was no PA, and trying to convince you the polygraph was wrong.
Pineapple, you always had a hunch it was more than an EA. FOR her to meet her AP several times and state unequivocally they never kissed is, well ludicrous. WW stated arrogantly and confidently when she passed she was divorcing you. Well gee, she failed, and is groveling with every bit of damage control she can muster instead of telling you the truth.
Sadly she may take the truth to her grave. Doesn't mean that you'll be there. Read the report, reflect back on things. In the end, I think you'll know what must be done for you to get out of infideity.
You can't be with someone who isn't honest transparent, and truthful.

Best wishes

Stevesn posted 8/16/2017 17:26 PM

Pine. One more thing. Go back to your very first post and count the number of times she lied to you just in that first confrontation.

If she is not currently in serious IC for Compulsive Lying and general compulsive actions she is never going to be safe for you.

She lies. She did in your first post and now here in the Poly.

She's a liar and needs help for that.

I feel for you. It's ok to want to R. But please do it the right way.

PlanC posted 8/16/2017 17:28 PM

She failed the poly--likely because she lied. If she lied, she's not remorseful and is emotionally unsafe.

I would give her the choice of two options:
- Retake the poly with a different examiner to prove her innocence, OR
- A post-nuptial agreement essentially giving you most assets if she cheats or walks.

This approach tests her commitment, gives consequences for failing the test, allows you to move forward in spite of the failed test, and protects you if she continues to stray.

[This message edited by PlanC at 5:51 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

beenthereinco posted 8/16/2017 17:41 PM

In the space of 17 minutes you posted

I have to say that if she is harboring a secret at this point then she's taking it to the grave.

and then this

I honestly don't think there is more for her to tell.

What happened? The more she could tell is this secret she is taking to her grave. Of course you know what it is but you don't know how bad it is and worse than that even with overwhelming evidence she won't admit to you. Good luck to you but I'm sorry to say I don't think this is going to end well for you.

Jman posted 8/16/2017 17:41 PM

Gently, you will not be able to sustain a long term relationship with a wife you cannot trust and is being dishonest . This issue will never go away and it will slowly erode against your will power to keep your marriage intact. I'm sorry but that is the truth.

antlered posted 8/16/2017 17:49 PM

Sorry but I had to re-read your post to understand what was happening.

So, to be clear, you are attempting to reconcile while knowing that she will continue lying to your face forever.

Why did you do the polygraph?
What do you think she did with her 'inappropriate friend? Say the words. Write them down.

Are you going to be ok with this?

[This message edited by antlered at 5:56 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

M1965 posted 8/16/2017 17:50 PM

W failed the poly. According to the examiner it wasn't borderline.


I get the impression that you know the truth, and your wife knows the truth too (hence the state she was in after the test and for the rest of the night).

And you still want to reconcile.

That's quite a decision. However, you have gone through this whole thing, you have done the hard yards, so it is your judgement call. I am sure you discussed a lot with her, and that you have done a huge amount of thinking about all of this, and also what you would do if she failed the poly.

There may be people here who might question your decision, but it is your life and your future, and what all of us want more than anything is for you to be happy. If attempting R rather than pursuing D is what you want to do, we wish you well with it.

What I hope is that your wife will respond to the chance you are giving her by changing her ways, genuinely going NC with the OM, and re-dedicating herself to you and the family.

The advice others are giving here is sound, and based on their own experiences, and I hope you will pick up some useful things that can help on the long road ahead.

Pineapple posted 8/16/2017 17:56 PM

Funny. I made a list of what to do if I got a confession. Honestly I am just so mentally fried at this point that I really didn't think that hard about a fail even though it is an obvious outcome and it was pointed out to me by many of you. Having W come unhinged afterwards really didn't help. What I had on my list was this:

No contact letter is sent to OM
Post nup
WW gets full STD test
Complete timeline

These were to be prerequisites to any R.

PlanC posted 8/16/2017 17:59 PM

Addendum: she may have failed because of a different affair. I missed proving my xWW was cheating because I thought her AP was one person then another. She was actually pursuing both, but as I couldn't imagine that scenario it threw my sleuthing off.

stayedforthekids posted 8/16/2017 18:01 PM

Have you received a single thing on your list pineapple?

Pineapple posted 8/16/2017 18:05 PM

Have you received a single thing on your list pineapple?

Haven't even sat down to talk these over with her. Last night was getting her calmed down. Today at work.

theaterguy posted 8/16/2017 18:24 PM

I'll post this to you Pine but others may have a better understanding. What does a fail mean? If the focus was on the physical and she failed without question doesn't that mean she had a PA? Also, can you see the results? Like what the questions were and her answers? I never had to do a poly with my fiance but I did contemplate it. Mine gave me a complete timeline that checked out. Peace to you.

antlered posted 8/16/2017 18:24 PM

I'm sorry for being a bit of a dick, but I'm invested in your story and want to know that you know what you are rugsweeping.

Are you sure about that I ask? Stares straight into my eyes: "Absolutely. There's nothing to worry about. I love you. Nothing's going on. Nothing's ever gone on. I would not lie to you. I don't find him attractive. I'm not even sure if his body parts down there even function due to war injuries.

Obviously you don't have the facts, because continual lies. However I feel you need acknowledge a bit of reality.
What do you think she did with her 'inappropriate friend? Say the words. Write them down.
This is not a rhetorical question.
Are you ok with this?

PlanC posted 8/16/2017 18:29 PM

Listen, it is okay to reconcile with an unremorseful liar and cheater if it is in the overall self-interest of you or your family. But the only way to get adequate protection in such cases is bulletproof one-sided post-nup.

You want to reconcile. That's OK. But if you do make sure you walk away with everything if this shit continues.

Sharkman posted 8/16/2017 18:37 PM

Pine, this one is pretty black and white with what you should do but PLEASE take a breath, sit back and assess. You don't have to do anything in the next 15 minutes.

One thing I just want to remind you - YOU are the abused spouse. SHE abused you. A truly remorseful spouse would have been inconsolable because of what it did to you. Basically, if you're doing all the consoling there is really an issue.

Anyhow, read here and let it sink in. You're amoung buddies

Sharkman posted 8/16/2017 18:38 PM


Let OBS know that she failed. You may make one decision but this is absolutely something that you are ethically mandated to share.

Who knows, maybe she'll make your wife's boyfriend take one.

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