Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Here It Goes

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25

bobdobalina posted 8/16/2017 18:39 PM

Has there been any contact between the two of them while thi has been going on
Another way to get more information would be to let the other wife know of the test and the result it might spark a confession from him and as another thing is she protecting him from family fallout or career damage

Bigger posted 8/16/2017 19:47 PM

In my very first post on your situation:

Let her know that no matter what she tells you now you will still be insisting on a poly. That poly will take place within a week. You have decided that if she fails some key questions then no matter what the effort on her behalf… the marriage is over. Failing the poly would indicate an even more serious problem in the marriage than the infidelity itself. It would indicate that she is keeping things from you, not trusting you and doesn’t feel safe around you. Therefore, her best (and only) option to save the marriage would be to be forthright NOW.

From my second post on your thread:

This is why IMHO the poly needs to be the single most important reason you decide what fork to take – R or D. It’s a one-off deal. It defines where you place your effort. IF she lies – irrespective of passing or failing the poly – you will NEVER reach R. N E V E R.

From my fourth post:

Pine – One thing you need to make very clear to your wife and you should repeat that several times leading to the poly: It’s not the possibility of there having been sex that would be a deal-breaker but rather that despite your offers and despite your deep need to know the truth she would be lying if she fails the poly. It would be that she STILL thinks a marriage can be built on deceit and secrets

From my fifth:

This can only end in one of two ways: Either she passes and if that takes place YOU have to move on from the sexual issues. YOU TOO need to believe the poly results.
Or she fails… No matter what you want you need to be ready to walk away from this marriage at that point…
The ONLY thing that could save your marriage if she fails the poly is if she makes an unconditional, all-inclusive, no-holds-barred confession in the hope that by doing so she’s allowed to follow you out of infidelity. But you don’t wait for it or offer her that path. She must do it on her own accord.


Pineapple – Your marriage can survive ANYTHING. ANYTHING other than lies.
There is a reason she failed the poly. It’s not a fluke.

SpaceGhost0007 posted 8/16/2017 22:10 PM

So your wife invited the OM to meet her when she was out of town. Who invites someone to meet up with them out of town that according to her isn't even a EA? No married person would invite a person of the opposite sex to meet up with them unless they are having sex.

Also she failed the polygraph which is not a surprise. She can keep lying since you accept it. She has probably been having many affairs over the years.

I wish you well but you have no idea how many affairs your wife has even had. I knew a guy who was a cheater and he said he would always deny, deny, deny. It works and here's another case. Very sad.

sudra posted 8/16/2017 22:19 PM

Holy Molly, Space Ghost came out of hibernation to comment! (I hope all is well with you, Space Ghost.)
Pineapple, your wife failed because she lied. You know this in your heart. Don't accept her lies!

GoldenR posted 8/16/2017 23:12 PM

Her failing didn't really surprise you, did it? I mean, deep down, you knew.

So where do you go from here? Stay with someone that has proven to you that she will lie and take said lies to the grave with her?

If you get no admission, expect dday2 to come,be it with the same OM or a different one.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:12 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

nekonamida posted 8/16/2017 23:16 PM

I have to agree with Golden. If you let this go and stay with her without getting the truth, she will know it will be even easier to fool you the next time. The stress and humiliation of the failed poly will quickly fade from her mind and she won't face any consequences. Also, tell the OBS!

ramius posted 8/17/2017 03:16 AM

Your statements since the poly are contradictory and illogical.

Her failing the poly made it real, didn't it? I mean really real. Even though you knew it would happen. You thought you were ready. But then WHAM, the reality of it hits you. Throws you back on your heels. Add to it the tears, the "brokenness." She looks and sounds so bad. The thoughts run through our head. This is too much. Too real. Is my marriage really going to end?

So what to do?

It's easy in this mental state to turn away from it all. You said it yourself...you are "fried". It's seems like the easier choice.....just sweep her PA or PA's under the rug. Don't bother calling her out on her obvious lies. Just agree to disagree. Leave the big elephant in the middle the room and walk around it for the next 30 years. Its easier to just stay together. The kids will be happier this way. No separate holidays. No financial hardships. Just stay the course.

Maybe it will work. Maybe having to eat the shit sandwich she served you will get easier with time. Maybe it won't eat away at your soul in the years to come. You never know right? Just like you will never know what she really did.

Or.....

Realize that you are in shock. That you got the wind knocked out of you. Take a breath. Avoid the knee jerk responses. Ignore the temptation to just let sleeping dogs lie. Detach from her, physically and emotionally. She is not going anywhere. Clear your head. See a lawyer. Do your fears of life without her match the reality? Then, after a period of time, look at her. Evaluate who and what she is. Not who you want her to be. Not who you thought she was.

Then decide.

[This message edited by ramius at 3:18 AM, August 17th (Thursday)]

self-rescuer posted 8/17/2017 06:21 AM

And I must remind you that your wife brought your children into this mess. If I remember correctly she told one about the validity of platonic friends and told the other about the unreliability of polys.

I know your head is spinning and that you are weary but please please please ponder these tremendously inappropriate actions.

Of course she spun out after the poly. Of course she was inconsolable. Of course you needed to comfort her for hours. Her worst fears have been realized. Everything she was trying to deflect still turned into an avalanche of truth.

I think you need some time to let all of this sink in.

Wishing you and your kids peace.

Ginny posted 8/17/2017 07:44 AM

She is manipulating you with her emotions and you keep falling for it. She is an expert at manipulating you. I'm so sorry. Seriously, I am. That is no way to live.

My fwh took a poly and it was not a horrible event. You go in, you respond to a few questions and you are done. Nobody pulled out her fingernails, they asked her to TELL THE TRUTH. And of course she didn't, so she failed (which was the pretty obvious outcome here, wasn't it?)

She has been telling you over and over again (in her way) that she was going to fail it. Usually people that have lied for a long, long time are actually relieved when the truth comes out. I know my fwh was. The relief was almost palpable. I knew in my heart when he was lying and I knew when the TT was finally over.

Our polygraph gave us our ground zero (a base of truth upon which we could begin our process of R) It proved to me he had finally finished his deception. Your WW is still clinging to her deceptive ways for whatever reason. That doesn't bode well for the future of your marriage.

It is time to tell the OBS that your wife failed her poly regarding a PA with the OM. Let the OBS make her own decisions for her own marriage with all the facts you can give her.

You have received a ton of really good advice (repeatedly) from the most well regarded people that post here. And let me add, you will not find ONE expert in any book your read on getting past infidelity that will advise you that R is advisable while you are still being deceived.

You know the truth deep down in your gut. If you can live with continued deception, then good luck. You are moving forward with a foundation of lies as YOUR ground zero.

Sanibelredfish posted 8/17/2017 09:00 AM

Pineapple, I'm sorry your WW continues to lie to you. I wish she had enough respect for you and herself to just come clean.

I've read a few commenters urging you to contact OBS regarding these results. I understand that rationale, but I'm not convinced it will be productive. I thought OBS's original response to you was quite strange and wondered if she and AP had an unconventional M. Another poster subsequently put my thoughts into words a few pages back; you might be dealing with an AP I an open marriage. Given that polyamory is relatively uncommon, I don't know if others here have dealt with that before. Not sure what all this means, but I just wanted to point out that your situation might have a wrinkle or two that others haven't had to navigate.

You also mentioned that your WW was arranging her own poly. She should set that up ASAP if she believes her results with your examiner were wrong. Of course, you'll probably get excuse after excuse about how she is so distraught that she can't take another exam so soon, but that will only be more bullshit.

I wish you strength and courage so that you can move out of infidelity.

twisted posted 8/17/2017 09:49 AM

Having W come unhinged afterwards really didn't help.

What does this tell you? She was caught in a host of lies, and her first instinct is not to tell the truth and come clean.
This is not the sign of a trustworthy partner, for the rest of your life.


Like Bigger said so plainly:

Pineapple – Your marriage can survive ANYTHING. ANYTHING other than lies.
There is a reason she failed the poly. It’s not a fluke.

william posted 8/17/2017 10:07 AM

why are you calming her down and reassuring her. that just lets her think her bullcrap is working and makes it harder to get the truth.

farsidejunky posted 8/17/2017 10:12 AM

Pineapple:

If you were going to disregard the poly if it didn't give you the results you were looking for, why did you bother?

You know what happened.

Your WW is gaslighting you masterfully.

When is enough...enough?

manfromlamancha posted 8/17/2017 10:36 AM

Pineapple you need a dose of bluntness here!

Your wife likes to fvck other men - as simple as that !

Your wife thinks nothing of lying to you about it !

Your wife completely ignores anything you say when you express concern about her being friends with or close to another man !

Your wife covers herself by suggesting polygraphs can have false outcomes and that she is concerned about it !

Your wife turns of the water works and hoovering sex when she gets caught and even fails a poly !

AND YET ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS THROUGH IT ALL IS "WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS AND NOT TO WORRY".

Does this sound even remotely sane and rational to you ????

TimelessLoss posted 8/17/2017 11:08 AM

Pine, lets imagine that you got the poly result you prepared for...that she was telling you the truth. You were all set to launch into requiring NC and establishing boundaries. That is what you were going to do to save your marriage. You have to get planted in your mind that you cannot save your marriage by yourself. She has never shown humility. Not even a detectable amount of regret. She has only shown disrespect, callous disregard for your feelings, a penchant for aggressive posturing and threats, manipulation of the entire family.

Now with this poly result what do you have? Well, you have all of the above behaviors. Unless she had an overnight epiphany.

You see my point? Irregardless the result, you don't have anyone to work with on the M.

The poly result do matter though. Because they also reinforce that R is not possible (right now).
Even if she is remorseful. Because you do not have the truth of the A. The "ground zero", meaning to me a known understood starting point.

Two separate parallel universes were operating during the A. One was her A universe. That universe had a timeline of events known only to her. You had your own universe and timeline going at the same time. There is dissonance between those two timelines. Strangely perverse, her universe and timeline was real. Yours was not because you were deceived.

The truth of the A, the ground zero starting point, allows you to begin to reframe the universe you lived in during the A. Come to grips with it. Reconcile yourself to the fact that there were two people you lived with. One went through day to day life in the universe you lived in. The other person had a secret life that did not include you.

It is only through understanding that you have the truth of the A that you can R (presupposing a remorseful spouse). R becomes possible then because there is only one timeline moving forward. One that you both share.

Pine, she does not accept that she had an A. That she betrayed you. That she harmed you. Something in her ego refuses to admit that. Her past words and actions toward you tells me that this is all about power to her.


[This message edited by TimelessLoss at 4:05 PM, August 17th (Thursday)]

Bigger posted 8/17/2017 11:10 AM

I feel like I have been talking to the captain of the Titanic begging him to change course away from the iceberg, or at least to ensure the lookouts were wide-awake. Now that the ship is sinking I feel like I’m telling someone that’s decided to jump into the ocean that the closest land is 1000 miles away and due north-west and that the breast-stroke might be the best option. It’s desperate advice but the only thing I can do if you are determined to sink with your marriage.

If you think your future is to go to MC and learn to accept not knowing the truth then AT LEAST follow this advice:
Canvas MC’s. Make sure the MC acknowledges that emotional affairs exist. Not all do. Ask them if they believe a marriage can thrive if one partner carries a big secret.
Set yourself a deadline.
Be open to ending the marriage.

Remember how I told you D and R are simply paths out of infidelity? I honestly feel your decision to give up on the truth has condemned you to trod along at that fork in the path with no progress.

Have you seen the pattern Pine?
You apply pressure -> she confesses a little bit more.
You threatened to apply more pressure -> she does all she can to escape pressure.
You stick to the pressure -> she confesses a little bit more. But only enough to alleviate the pressure.

I second the suggestion of letting OMW know your WW failed the poly. Be careful to only use the truth:
“I want you to know that WW totally failed a poly. The questions were focused on if the affair was physical.”

xhz700 posted 8/17/2017 11:33 AM

Her post-failure meltdown is simply her attempt to control the situation and you.

Why in the hell are you trying to calm her down? This is her mess. This was physical. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!

TimSC posted 8/17/2017 11:45 AM

The wife's behavior is typical of a cheater - deception, secret meetings, secret plans to meet on trips.

Pineapple's behavior is also typical of some betrayed spouse. HIS wife could not do this. HIS wife could not be so callous and unfeeling. HIS wife could never lie about something that is this damaging(even though he now knows that she has been lying to him all along about meetings with OM). HIS wife could never betray him by taking another man into her bed. All this happens to other men - not him.

Sad.

JC109 posted 8/17/2017 11:50 AM

Pineapple,
I'll be the voice of reason. You and your wife know why she failed. Her emotional state after the Poly also shows that. Her story doesn't make sense. You know that deep i side but you love her, want the marriage to work, and that is why you are moving on to IC and CC in spite of this. I get it and that is your decision.

One thing Inwill say: your previous marriage was destroyed by this lie and affair and a new one has to be rebuilt (that is what R is). You are building a new one because it is a new normal.

AND...it is very, very hard to build a new one with an underlying lie still there.

I would tell your wife that you forgive her and want to rebuild. But that a lie will make the process set to fail because it is being built on a lie. That she needs to say yes or no to the PA (even a kiss) and you won't ask any more questions.

Or you can just do what you are doing....Letting the lie stay there, she won't confess, and try to rebuild. But as much I wish you luck, it will be hard.


twisted posted 8/17/2017 13:52 PM

Your wife seems incredulous that a machine didn't believe her lies, and the machine must be wrong.
There's about a dozen or so people here that don't believe them either, and we have collectively a few lifetimes of experience in this specific field of adultery.
We aren't fooled then, and aren't fooled now.
I have limited trust in a polygraph, but I have high confidence in the collective wisdom of SI members.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy