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Pineapple posted 11/14/2017 15:27 PM

Hey Midnight, I am still lurking on the site. We've been going to MC semi-regularly which has been of limited help to this point from my perspective. But we've hit our insurance deductible for the year and W feels it's a good thing, so we continue with it through the end of the year. I'm pretty much still in limbo as of now.

She maintains steadfastly it was no more than an EA, and tried to back off of even that a few weeks ago. I am more skeptical than before about her narrative. A couple months back my subconscious dug out a long repressed memory from the early days of our marriage which has me wondering if this wasn't her first A, also a situation with a coworker at the time. I think I have a better grasp on her manipulative behavior when I see it.

My focus now is trying to make a better me and get past the anxiety. I'm still trying to get back into a regular exercise routine having lost quite a bit of conditioning from where I was before D-day when I had my best half ironman to date and was knocking on the door of top 10% finish in my age group. I'm determined to work my way back, but sleep is still an issue and keeps me from getting out regularly for my early morning training. Also have spent some time with my youngest son lately involved in his fall soccer. Really I'm just trying to bring back focus on some of the good stuff while coming to terms with the bad as I decide which way to move forward eventually.

Bigger posted 11/14/2017 17:46 PM


A big mistake one often makes is holding on to a foregone conclusion.

OK – So I have been here since your first day and I am certain there is more going on than your wife confesses to. I think the completely failed poly and her reactions strongly indicate there is more that needs to be uncovered.


Her insistence that this was an EA and your concern about an earlier affair makes me think…
How were the poly questions worded? Were they specific enough for THIS affair? For the affair that you knew of? Could it be that she failed due to the earlier (possible) affair? Like if she was asked “have you had sex with someone other than Mr. P since you got married” and you were thinking about the last affair but she was failing due to the (possible) earlier affair.
Just a thought…

TimelessLoss posted 11/14/2017 18:28 PM


What topics have been discussed in MC? Was the recent marital history discussed with the counselor? Have you seen any blame shifting, minimizing or deceit from your W in the MC sessions? I'm wondering if the sessions are a forum for her to spackle over things by avoidance.

Pineapple posted 11/14/2017 18:39 PM

Yes, the poly question was specifically tailored to the A with OM. Have you had physical sexual contact with OM (by name). Reaction each time. Honestly, all 23 years of our relationship are in question in my mind. When she opens her mouth and says anything to me related to her behavior and fidelity, I pretty much start with the premise now that her words are of questionable veracity.

After the A was discovered and she read a book on boundaries, she admitted to me that she never understood the boundary concept before. She recounted a boundary issue in her first marriage. Her latest approach is describing her A with OM as a midlife crisis. I try not to make much of what she says any more. I'd guess she has stated or implied in at least thirty different ways how it's just not possible she had a PA with OM. I kept track of them all for a while. Some are straight out of the cheater's handbook, others are pretty original, ranging from heartfelt to ludicrous. I don't think I would be surprised at any possibility, from this being an only EA to serial cheating for the entire duration of our relationship.

TimelessLoss posted 11/14/2017 19:03 PM

Her latest approach is describing her A with OM as a midlife crisis. I try not to make much of what she says any more. I'd guess she has stated or implied in at least thirty different ways how it's just not possible she had a PA with OM.

In the worst light this is sophisticated ongoing gas lighting, rewriting the poly results. As troubling is not accepting any accountability...mid life crisis...boundaries?...what's that?

I believe early on you told us that she was one never to admit or own any shortcoming.

Bigger posted 11/14/2017 19:06 PM

How and why did the first marriage end?
Honestly Pine – I have tried to be open to other theories than this having been an OM, but it’s starting to seem like the obvious answer is the only answer…

Wool94 posted 11/15/2017 05:37 AM

PA, I think we all know that feeling of anxiety.

I know while my WW was having an affair, I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, but I was almost crippled by anxiety.

The day I found out the truth was the most soul crushing day ever, but my anxiety immediately disappeared.

I have never suffered from anxiety, like that,
before or since.

Until your mind can reconcile with your gut, you probably won't be free from anxiety.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:38 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

arbuom posted 11/17/2017 05:08 AM

Thank you for your kind words, friend. I really appreciate them.

I had lots of anxiety up until the day I finally left! I thought my anxiety would worsen as D became reality. To my absolute surprise, my anxiety has faded! It's two weeks today since I've seen or spoken to STBX, and I can tell you that I almost have no anxiety at all. I have moments of sadness, but I'm feeling better everyday.

I think when you finally leave this hell behind, life will get better. NC is the only way to go if you want to heal. Look forward to what life has in store, and leave all the pain behind.

Strength brother.


pleasedontbetrue posted 11/19/2017 11:27 AM

Hope you're doing well Pineapple. Have you asked your wife about this other person in the past that she worked with? The not knowing would be a big barrier for me.

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