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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Deejay523 posted 9/22/2017 11:32 AM

I wanted to give an update on Us,We did some talking the other night for hours in Wallmart parking lot of all places. .
Anyway it seems he is getting it and that's what matters the only thing that matters right now to me. .
We got up to 1990 and left there...

He made it clear to me that he isn't going anywhere,he hates himself for what he's done and regrets all of it! ! He is afraid of loosing me,but has no intentions of giving up he doesn't care if it takes the rest of his life prooving himself to me he is ashamed and fears going through it all but has every intention to tell me it all which as I said we got up to 1990,he's been reading more than the book he told me of for 6 months now he has been researching and reading a lot on what he has done and what we are going through how to get through this what he is supposed to be doing, he is having a hard time with what he's done and the amount of time he did it,he regrets taking from me from us and said he regrets her the most and the damage he has done he worries as I do if we can ever find a way find a good place for us again but is never going to stop he wants to meet in the middle because he understands my frustration and does not want me to build up the way I do he hurts when he sees me hurt and says he feels when I am fed up and push him to give up when I say the things I say like going our separate ways again he repeatedly says he's never giving up and plans on giving me everything I need everything I want and more he wants to give me the world if he can he wants to enjoy every minute with me Happy till we die he wants to grow old and gray and ended with rubbing my nose something he does now to bring me back to get me to focus and said Divorce is not an option ever for me with you. ..
As corney as it sounds it was all very sincere and felt very real and it put me in a positive place. .for the moment. .

In all seriousness I believe that the only way to feel true/real again is to begin again anew and leave it all behind but for whatever reason that I cannot find as of yet I am here with him still hoping for some reason that I can find that new with him Im just not sure if that's really possible but for now here I am..

Thanks everyone for being there !!
Peace this weekend is what I choose! !

[This message edited by Deejay523 at 12:30 PM, September 24th (Sunday)]

Deejay523 posted 9/22/2017 14:05 PM


My question ladies is this. How do you do it? How do you ever get to the point of accepting the worst has happened and begin to live again? At 18 months out, I still find myself thinking on a daily basis that I cannot believe what he did. Flashes of memories come into my head like some twisted slide show. Moments where he treated me like crap because he had checked out of our marriage and was allowing himself to fall for someone else. The things he was saying to me. The cold shoulder I received. The detachment. I just can't.

For me I acknowledge what he has done, you have no choice too,We do have a choice to walk away though. .. I am still going through the years with him so I am not done acknowledging yet, as for living I have my moments of actually living like when I am with my son with my family, I have too shut it off and Breath, I can say one thing I absolutely had to learn and learn on my own is to know absolutely know and believe Absolutely believe that no matter what happens I will be okay on my own even if we make it work I do not live for him or my marriage I live for me and know that I will be fine on my own .
As for the thoughts this I still do 3.5 yrs out...
I go through waves and when the waves are sometimes too strong like a Hurricane. .I have to STOP JUST STOP ..I meditate and breath I can make it Stop for a while but it does keep creeping back in everyday things could be a conversation, a song ,a movie ,a memory shared with someone so many things triggers ,My heart breaks again and again. ..when my h is around he seems to always catch it and he does his best to ease me out of it...if I am alone or at work, I find a quiet place to cry..

This is how I live now, I want better and that is my goal, As time passes as cliche as that sounds you will find better days but I believe this is forever a part of me
Hugs to you (((MMB)))

Deejay523 posted 9/25/2017 12:20 PM

I'm hoping everyone is busy living there life like I should be doing in peace I'm hoping. ...

Well so much for forgetting his fb password bullshit like I thought ...
I did get to get in fb unlocked it for me and I finished deleting everything the shit that was on there never mind the fact that he ever created it ..
This post hit me hard that he pretending to be a she liked , really wtf, (If you could love the wrong person that much imagine how much you could love the right one )

Anyway that's the least of my concerns his total fucked up Imaturity...and whatever you want to call it....

My concern is how he lied to my face again over stupid shit like this Facebook , if he can't be honest about dumb shit,how can I believe that he is being honest about the serious shit? ??
forever I had been asking him for ths fkn password to delete everything and deactivate it, he continued to say he forgot the password and would always add it's nothing that would help us
. ..
Anyway after getting in and screwing it up to where fb locked me out I was trying everything and I decided to try Bing instead of Google because I remembered that he use to use that a lot well again he left me a trail in the history of all the times he had gone into fb and the last time was in March of this year ..
I lost it on him this morning he admitted to being on it only to delete he admitted to lying to me again said it was humiliating and he was so ashamed of it ..
I told him he has just proven to me that he doesn't get it that one of the most important things for us to be able to continue is honesty no more fkn lies about anything and nothing to hide you lied again and again you lied about being on it you lied about deleting it with me ..
Over something so stupid. .
You put yourself first how you felt over what you should be doing over being honest over proven yourself to me to earn my trust. .
He just kept apologizing and admitted everything and said he knows he was wrong just wanted to get rid of it...

The thing is I found proof again. ..
He only admitted because of that proof.

I felt like he was lying as I have with other things from the past that he ends up admitting to..

I do not feel that he is lying or fake about anything now ..

Is this something anyone else here deals with is this expected or am I fooling myself thinking this man could ever be honest? ??

kiki1 posted 9/25/2017 13:24 PM

Hi DeeJay.

I have lost all desire for wh. Or r after repeated lying. Big things and little things.

Did your wh. Have a habit of lying and hiding things prior to dday? I so I would advise you to not expect truth now.

It's a tough place to be in :(
Hugs to you.

donna3 posted 9/26/2017 14:40 PM

My husband has always been a liar when backed into a corner. I knew he like to embellish ( like how much something cost) but I never realized the outright lies til I caught him over and over after dday, including how long the affair was. For three years he continued his lies to ďprotect meĒ unless I had proof otherwise. After a huge blow up I stood my ground and said anything else, even small and we are done.

I know he is working on being totally honest now. He knows I mean business. But like he said it isnít easy breaking a life long habit. I have not caught anything in a while now but I am ever watchful believe me. It is tough but I truly feel I have the truth on all the big stuff now. He knows what will happen if I donít

Sorry deejay, it is a tough road

needfriendshere posted 9/27/2017 00:21 AM

I will continue to keep you in my prayers. But I am going to say good-bye to SI - at least for a while.
Too much is going on in my life right now and I need to focus on healing and on strengthening my commitment to H during what is becoming a trying time.
If you PM me, I'll always reply. I care about so many of you, but I won't be posting.

Deejay523 posted 9/27/2017 10:46 AM


Sorry deejay, it is a tough road

Thank you Donna,Aint that the truth, totally sucks having no one !!

I know he is working on being totally honest now

I know mine is also. .

But like he said it isnít easy breaking a life long habit

This is so True for mine also. .
Not only that, he also has lost track of his lies and what ones we have gone through because of how we have dealt with this all if that makes sense to you,
In his mind he thought we had gone through this already and that I just wanted to rehash it we did touch it and I also responded to the ho on it with him present going back 3 years ago,
But we did not go through it,we did now and all I can say is I am at such a loss over it all its mind blowing reading everything it just brought me back to the beginning in a different and some what worse way..
He spent the entire day apologizing he couldn't stop he's still going and know he's also dealing with my disappointment and how horrified I am by it all. .

I told him again we should have dealt with this all already and he feels the way we are doing it is best take breaks in between because of how it hits me and how my disappointment hits him...

I just don't know, I need help he needs help and I told him that ..

Thanks for being there Donna! !!

northeasternarea posted 9/27/2017 11:12 AM

I will continue to keep you in my prayers. But I am going to say good-bye to SI - at least for a while.
Too much is going on in my life right now and I need to focus on healing and on strengthening my commitment to H during what is becoming a trying time.
If you PM me, I'll always reply. I care about so many of you, but I won't be posting.

All the best to you.

amanda123 posted 9/27/2017 14:52 PM

Needfriendshere, Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for yourself and family.


Deejay523 posted 9/27/2017 20:55 PM

Peace to you my friend

Deejay523 posted 9/27/2017 21:08 PM

I'm not sure if I should be posting here anymore it seems no one is here ,which hopefully is a beautiful thing for you all !!
Just not sure where I can talk or maybe I should just stop also,

I told my husband today that it's a requirement for him to seek out help IC for himself before mc for us and to make an appointment this week no waiting and until he has completed this and only then can we begin to work on us again. .

After all I just read through I strongly feel more than ever that he has serious issues that needs to be addressed and dealt with !!

He agreed whole heartedly ..
Peace to all!!

BrokenheartedWif posted 9/27/2017 21:37 PM

((needsfriendshere)) praying for you.

((DeeJay)) It took a while for SAWS to finally go to IC. He wanted to try MC again, and I said I wasn't safe until he did IC and figured out what was him trying to justify the unjustifiable and what was a true issue. He hasn't been in IC that long.

Deejay523 posted 9/27/2017 21:53 PM

Good to know,hope all goes well ,I will post updates when mine begins his IC ,I want an IC that will update me on his progress that is a requirement for me also. .

Mickeymom posted 9/28/2017 01:01 AM

Deejay: keep posting here maybe on reconciliation I know for many of us we are getting further out this was my life line for so long but as time goes and you return to a better healed place you don't always check in as much. Or sometimes for me I just have no great advice or anything that is helpful to say. But you are heard. I am glad WS is getting IC I really dont think we could healed without IC and MC. I agree with donna they were these damaged people and that didn't happen over night. Yes we want the truth all of it and we want it yesterday they stole our life from us made us doubt everything we felt to be true now they continue to lie and we think how could they? They also need time to recircute their brains it doesn't happen over night. That being the key they do need time to change, however that part is up to you. You don't have to give him time only you can answer that question of what your willing to give for him to be the remorseful spouse you need him to be and do the work and he may get it he may not, but regardless you have the power the choice and you owe him nothing. Remember you are strong and have all the power now which is scary for the WS and which sometimes still helps them to make dumb choices like lying over stupid shit. Peace and you are heard and understood but know you are stronger then you ever knew you could be.

NFH: I wish peace and wisdom on this journey and remember the tribe is always here if you need us.

Deejay523 posted 9/28/2017 08:12 AM


I needed this!!!


sadsmileyface posted 9/28/2017 11:23 AM

Deejay, please don't quit posting. I for one always read everyone's post. I relate here more than any other place. i just don't respond too often.

Everyone here seems to "get" what it's like to deal with a LTA. Often people on the other forums think that you should just get rid of your wayward after a LTA. The problem there is that most of us are also part of long term marriages. Easier said than done.

To all of us here, better, peaceful days ahead!

trynhard posted 9/29/2017 05:55 AM

Mostly fine ladies post here, but men do face LTA too. My wife lived her double life for 9 years. Co-worker betrayal. My reality hit in September 2008. I have found it's natural for most to just want to forgive, reconcile, and hope. Marriage becomes one in so many facets driving this.

Paying attention to others and my own life experiences, anyone can be happy with or without the one you married.

And early on, I decided to reconcile. It does take both. The pain I felt I could describe like no other I have ever felt and even to this day, like none I have ever faced since. Five years of some pretty brutal mental pain along the way. Those first three years were horrifying. It took work. Reading books, volunteering, posting, arguing, debating, discussing, commiserating, Retrouvaille, faith, and on and on. My purpose in life changed.

It so different today. My journey did not try and change my wife, I changed me. I suppose that was always who I was; a value given to me by my parents. I looked at me first. I came out of this a far better man is so many ways. Don't misunderstand me, It was never my fault, nor could have be prevented in any way. A "given" in life is that people who are close to you are not always loving or loyal. A given that cannot be changed by anyone. How we deal with it dictates our own happiness.

The memories are within me forever. Triggers are forever and they come in so many ways and forms, but far less intense, to perhaps a quick fraction of a second. My D-day came and pass without a thought. In the time frame of my deep pain, I wished and wanted that peace so bad.

Have faith
have hope
have a positive outlook
know you can get to peace again

My hope for all of you is peace again.

donna3 posted 9/29/2017 12:11 PM

Thank you trynhard. Good to see someone who is long term out, longer than I am. Hitting the 4 year mark soon and as you say, triggers still hit, tears may fall, but over it quickly because I remind myself of what I have now. It does take work, lots of it on both sides of the A. A was all on my H, but I also had work to do for a better M. and it is a continuous work in progress. I still cannot believe at times that this is my life, but it is what it is and I need to make the best of it. And like you, R was my first choice when this all went down. I was playing a waiting game - wait and see how my then WH was going to handle things. He has come thru like a boss. And that is what I needed.

Deejay and MBB. You don't learn to live with it for years. You make the decision to try or not but true acceptance or forgiveness, whichever you decide is better for you, takes a long time and a lot of introspection. and 100% in from your WH.

Unfortunately time is the ultimate healer.

Mickeymom posted 9/30/2017 21:35 PM

Trynhard: I really loved reading what you said it resonates so much with me. This is something that will stay with us I too needed to take a long hard look at myself and I believe I am a better person now and see people much more clearly and cut people out of my life who don't value what I do. Again wonderful words

Hopeful76 posted 10/1/2017 14:54 PM

Hello Everyone,

I took a break from this forum to try to find out if it was helping or making it more difficult to face my "new" reality. It is a little of both.

I am now 15 months from DDay and it is both better and worse. Some days I am so sad that I can barely take a breath. Those are the days that I cannot dismiss the weight of this always being part of my life. Those are the days that I despise myself for not seeing - for believing and loving a man who was actively living a double life and giving me the short end of his time and attention.

I know that the fact that the person he was definitely seems to be gone and has been replaced by a loving, attentive, contrite, caring, remorseful and SOBER man should make me joyful everyday. Sometimes it does, but the truth is that the wounds from his betrayal have cut so deep that I do not trust this new life. Throughout our 41 year marriage I got use to waiting for the other shoe to drop because it always did. I know my sanity would not survive another betrayal.

I know I am walling myself off and not being open and vulnerable. Anything else sends me into levels of fear and panic. I hate feeling this way, but anything else does not feels safe. In the last year my feelings and emotions about my FWH and our marriage have been at every extreme possible. Not feeling at all is my only safe place.

Today is quiet control. Thank you all for listening. It helps to know there are those that read this and truly understand.

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