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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Ann5 posted 10/19/2017 18:14 PM

Before this awful experience of my new reality began for me, I always told myself that if my H ever cheated, I'd never forgive and we'd be done. When my H revealed his 5 year A, I was devastated. We both decided we were committed to R, but it is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done. I never could have imagined I'd be in this place in my life. Often times during this R process I've felt so many things...anxious, depressed, angry, sad. Sometimes I still walk around in a daze, not sure what I feel. I am a teacher and I have two kids of my own. Honestly I love my job, because little ones require lots of focus and they are a great distraction. After work, sometimes I crawl on the floor of my bedroom and just lie there staring. I feel crazy. My H is amazing in R, and overall we are doing really well. My H is patient while I recover and never lets me down. I have even told him I can't get over it, just leave, but he stays and comforts me. The pain is so deep, I feel like I'll never recover. I'm so sorry the rest of you are in this, but I will admit I feel a little less crazy when I read stories similar to mine that I can relate to.

[This message edited by Ann5 at 6:15 PM, October 19th (Thursday)]

Mickeymom posted 10/19/2017 21:08 PM

Ann and sideway: itís time I always felt cheating was not a dealbreaker for me, I truly had no understanding of what this pain would be and how it would affect my life and make me. Crazy person I think unless you have been through this you can not even come close to understanding it having your life ripped apart everything you thought true you question, people can just not even understand., but this is where we are. And the only thing that can help is a R spouse who works hard to keep this gift you given and for the BS itís time. Time does heal all wounds, but the scares remain thatís our reality.
Sideway: donít push yourself itís been 73 days I couldnít even see straight that 1st year and second year anger ups and downs feelings I canítdo this, but still loving my WS. Now year 3 sad that I have this scar I must live with, and it sucks not gonna lie, but I live an authentic life we are more honest then we have ever been and we are better not because of the A but in spite of it. Yes the nasty scar is there but the beautiful skin around it is so much better now then it ever was. There are bad days but really no more tears I own my life.
So itís hard BS but time is what you need and working through it and feeling your emotions donít rug sweep face the ugly and work together. Peace all

[This message edited by Mickeymom at 9:11 PM, October 19th (Thursday)]

Sideways88 posted 10/20/2017 07:48 AM

Thank you all for your for your words of wisdom. I am listening and you probably understand how important it is to be able to speak about it to others who unfortunately understand the journey. I have not told my family or his family because there are quite a few self-righteous people in both families whose opinions hold no water for me because they have not walked this walk.

I saw my IC yesterday and it helped immensely. While speaking with her I was able to express how getting through each day feels like, at least to me. Itís like my emotional being has turned into a river. When you look out over the river there are times when it appears peaceful, calm and serene. However, just below the surface the current is flowing, sometimes raging, with an intensity no one can see; yet remains hidden by most everyone who looks at the river. Sometimes there are obstacles in the water that make the raging current visible to anyone watching. The current just underneath the surface is projected up to the surface, sometimes as a small ripple, sometimes as a raging flood that may takes hours or days to recede. Actual rain totals are hard to predict, how the rain will come and how it will impact the river and when is also hard to predict. When objects are thrown or fall in the river, the river has to change its course in order continue flowing forward. Sometimes the water level pools in one spot, not moving in any direction, waiting for something to help it move once again. This is what my life feels like, this is how I feel.

Thank you all again - today I woke up and I chose to try being happier today than yesterday. One day at a time. Hang in there everyone!

[This message edited by Sideways88 at 8:07 AM, October 20th (Friday)]

amanda123 posted 10/23/2017 13:24 PM

Hi Guys, I hope everyone is well. I have recently been hearing that quite a few people have been renewing their vows. One of my friends renewed her vows with her husband of 25 years, they have a great marriage and have not been through anything like we have here.

My question to all of you is: Would you consider renewing your vows, after everything that you have been through? (for those who are married). I mentioned it to my H, just to see what he would say, but he shut me down immediately .

BrokenheartedWif posted 10/23/2017 13:53 PM

My SAWS asked me to marry him again a couple of years ago, this time he got down on one knee. I told him the vows didnt' mean anything to him the first time, and won't keep him from choosing Adultery again. I also told him, he wasn't safe for me and I'm waiting and watching his actions and choices. He choose himself and didn't give a thought or a damn about me for many many years.

I have to feel safe, secure, loved, respected, wanted, chosen. He has a lot of work to do on himself and the wounded little boy. And I have a lot of work to do on my wounded and re-wounded little girl before this is even a topic of discussion.

Mickeymom posted 10/24/2017 00:17 AM

Renewing the vows. As this up and down roller coaster and I am in a kinda down swing this week. My WS has not brought it up to me I am sure if I asked mentioned he would be totally game for it, but I actually have no interest even though I feel as safe as I can broken-hearted said it meant nothing the first time I am more about actions now. But like I said I am just kinda of in a negative spot today

amanda123 posted 10/24/2017 09:06 AM

BrokenheartedWif, you are 100% right about our vows not meaning anything the first time. I was just thinking more along the lines of a fresh start. Of course there are no guarantees that it wouldnt happen again even if the vows were renewed.

Mickeymom, hugs I hope you feel better soon. Your H is willing to do anything to make it up to you, I wish my H would be willing to do the same, but sadly that is not the case. I dont even think that I would want to renew my vows with him, its the idea of him wanting to choose me.

northeasternarea posted 10/24/2017 10:39 AM

At this point in time, I wouldn't want to do a vow renewal. Things are going well, but I still consider divorce an option.

steph posted 10/24/2017 21:08 PM

Hi all, Iím still lurking. Sideways, so sorry you,be joined our little club but glad you found a place where your pain is understood. Anne5, sorry to hear your struggle too.

Weíve been through a hell of a month. I wrote about hubbyís horrific accident, the discovery of another phone, his epiphany after a life altering experience and his finally ending all contact.
I remain cautious.

Weíve had some more castrophies since the accident. Huge ones, unrelated to the affair, just life. I donít want to be specific as I live in a tiny town and could be recognized.

We had a wonderful getaway that was planned for months and a nice respite from reality. Weíre reconnecting, yet again, Iím cautious cuz he likes to have his cake and eat it too.

I will say that I refuse to renew my vows. I made them in ernest when I was really just a baby 39 years ago and I have kept them through better and the worse that I could ever imagine. He didnít.

I never expected that he would ever cheat on me. At 25 years we had a marriage that others would envy. Iím so damn glad we didnít do a renewal at that point because he cheated at 27 and kept it up for 12 years. I would have been even more angry had we renewed our vows.

[This message edited by steph at 9:14 PM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

amanda123 posted 10/25/2017 13:25 PM

northeasternarea, its sad really isnt it that we dont have confidence in our futures.

Steph, I hope your situation improves. I think we all take our vows seriously when we get married I would hate to think that our WSs were thinking yep gonna be having affair after affair as soon as the rings go on. Why did they not uphold their end of the bargain when we did and still do? Its always going to be why and Im afraid I will never have an answer that is acceptable to me.

Deejay523 posted 10/25/2017 13:26 PM

Hi All,
So strange your all on this subject, just last night my h and I were watching the movie American Sniper (SPOILER ALERT) in the beginning of the Movie the guy is proposing to his Girl on a Beach you know sweet and romantically dangelling the ring on a chain and video taping the whole purposel ..
My H whispered in my ear as he squeezed me tight one day soon I will surprise you like that ..And then out of nowhere some guys started shooting everybody on the beach he only got shot in the leg and they first shot her in the chest as he was running to her he fell in front of her and they shot her in the back of the head right in front of him ...
So I laughed and said to my husband will it go down just like that because if anything happens again this time... just make sure it's done right we both laughed a little Even though the movie took that twist, I found his gesture meaningful and heartfelt. .as weird as that sounds. .
He didn't stop there later on after the movie he was just holding me and of course I had to ask a question of course I did right. .
I asked him in all seriousness step out of yourself. .if you were a friend who cared about me deeply what would you say to me? ? And what would you say to yourself? ?
At first he didn't want to put any thoughts or effort into what I asked he just said to keep going keep trying and then held me tight again. .
I said seriously those were lame answers,I would like to know what you would say. .
He looked me in my eyes and said to you I would say if you still care about him even a little keep trying keep trying. .if not RUN RUN LIKE HELL! !
I Said that was more of an honest answer we fell asleep. .
At 2AM he woke me up with a cup of coffee something silly we do since we've been putting more effort in to us anyway it wasn't the coffee it was him holding a bag over my head shaking it and a bunch of handmade cut out stars were falling out all over me the stars are something new with us to we hold eachother and look up at the stars to calm a dark moment. .
I actually smiled the most I have in forever for this silly little gesture he made happen. .I actually loved it. .
Had to share this with you all..
Peace for now and for you all!!

Not sure if I would do the remarry thing I guess it would depend. ..

northeasternarea posted 10/25/2017 13:41 PM

northeasternarea, its sad really isnt it that we dont have confidence in our futures.

What I have learned is that I must place my trust in God, not in another person. I know and believe that with or without my husband, I will be fine.

If anything positive has come from all of this, it is that I have been working on my personal relationship with God.

Deejay523 posted 10/25/2017 17:37 PM

((((Hugs to you )))
I wish for you to have better days! !

I understand that thought pattern of Divorce being an option still all to well sadly ..

Sideways88 posted 10/25/2017 18:36 PM

Deejay523 that is lovely! I think it sounds wonderful.

I had a horrible trigger memory last night when it dawned on me where he was this time last year on a three day trip...he received the anger and yelling for about five hours. My WH had a very bad accident a month ago and broke every bone in his ankle and canít put any weight on it for about ten more weeks. He is pretty much a captive audience; however, last night he didnít take it as well as he had in the past 2 1/2 months. But in the end he and I talked and he apologized for getting angry back and once again stated we wouldnít be here if it werenít for his LTA. Around 2:00 AM I had calmed down enough to talk and we went to sleep holding each other.

I think the question about renewing wedding vows is interesting. I said all that above to say this, because DDay is so recent I probably shouldnít say anything about the subject, but at this point I feel that renewing wedding vows doesnít really hold any water. If it didnít matter before then why would it matter further down the reconciliation pathway. There is a part of me that would love to believe it represents a new beginning, but the realistic part says it just gives my WH a better feeling about moving forward. Which I am not ready for him to think everything is A-OK and she forgives me.

Still just taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time some of the time. My mantra is ďthis too shall passĒ and I am learning to concentrate on me first now. Reading a lot on SI has helped me immensely and helps me stay as sane as I can. Thank you all for sharing, please know that it is greatly appreciated!

[This message edited by Sideways88 at 6:50 PM, October 25th (Wednesday)]

hopefull77 posted 10/25/2017 19:59 PM

Hi everyone...speaking of vows....our sons wedding was BEAUTIFUL....H was a dutiful H and made sure he did EVERYTHING he didn't do at our daughters wedding 5 years ago ....and I noticed and I thanked him...
as I sat and listened to my son speak his vows I thought on your wedding day you are so caught up in all the details...flowers place cards...you know all the "stuff"
we don't really pay much attention to what we are saying...b/c we start out ASSUMING that we will always be together...my son knows betrayal...he had a dday close to mine...( my kids do not know) ....he's a pretty happy camper and I like my DIL b/c she gets him! They really love each other...
I realized at his wedding I don't need a vow renewal...I said my vows
I said for better for worse/sickness&health...
we are ok ...things didn't turn out the way I thought...but we do love each other and I feel safe.
I have now witnessed 2 of my 3 kids marry...its pretty nice
Peace everyone

Mickeymom posted 10/25/2017 20:26 PM

Deejay: I love the stars thatís so sweet itís those ever so small things the details that maybe before this shit storm we didnít do the small things the everyday things that make a relationship a real relationship not fake nonsense of an A. These small things are why we BS this is a love we have a real love. Those stars and coffee make me so happy for you.
Hopeful: I am so happy the wedding was beautiful and these new memories continue to build for you.
Yes we have pain, but sometimes out of pain we find beauty and the new appreciation of the relationship you have now taking nothing for granite can be a truly beautiful thing.
Live in the moment. Peace all

Deejay523 posted 10/27/2017 20:32 PM


These small things are why we BS this is a love we have a real love. Those stars and coffee make me so happy for you.

I still struggle, I still have a hard time, after these kind of moments we had lots of moments like these but different before, in these moments now I end up pondering on the whys and then I ponder on wondering what kind of moments he gave her because I know in my heart he did he admitted to having strong feelings for her early on ..
I just don't know if I will or can ever stop this pondering it kills me and puts me back to pondering if it's going to ever be worth it. ..
Sorry for the bubble burst it's just my true scary feelings shining through .

Sideways88 posted 10/28/2017 10:09 AM

Deejay523, I totally understand the pondering. When we have a good day I wonder what he said/did with her...did he do the same thing, did he say the same thing. When he does do something nice or as a surprise I wonder if his intentions are out of love or just because he feels he has to now. Prior to DDay I never questioned his motives, now I canít help it. Itís not all the time and sometimes I can just enjoy the moment and appreciate his action. I am working on thinking in a more positive way - some days I fail miserably. I am trying to choose happier thoughts over the negative ones that seem to have moved in and taken over my thoughts. Sending positive thoughts of happier times to all - take care!

donna3 posted 10/31/2017 15:30 PM

hey all,

Just a few days from 4 years from dday. I am here to give some of you some hope. I am finally there. I am ready to let happiness back into my life. Oh, I still have triggers, still shed a few tears here and there, still wonder like you sideways, did he say/do those things with her? But it no longer owns me, no longer defines our marriage. H has worked overtime to show me that he is not the man he was behaving like during those three years. He appreciates the second chance and shows me daily that he deserves that chance.

Our marriage is stronger than it ever was because we finally talk honestly about what bothers us. We are making our marriage a priority. It is not our jobs, or our kids, or our friends/family. It is us. I absolutely hate that it took an affair to get us here but now we see how it should have been all along.

It is not all lovey and unicorns. It is two people just working really hard to make a marriage work. We still have a few bumps here and there but we know how to work thru them now. I still look at him at times and think WTF were you even thinking at that time. I still know what he is capable of and will always keep my antenna up. One can never be 100% sure like I naively thought before this happened,but I really feel that it is in the high 90's that he will never hurt me again. And I can live with that .

It was a long and excruciatingly difficult road. Ann and Sideways, you are just beginning your journey. It is craziness abound for a few years and in the end you have the final say on the outcome. Just roll with the pain now and at some point you will just know what that outcome will be. Stay or go, you will recover. Your life will get better. You will move on. Take care of yourselves in the meantime.

I still come to read but not as often. I feel deeply for all those going thru this journey. Believe me, you are all stronger than you think.

steadychevy posted 10/31/2017 19:50 PM

Just to throw a downer onto this thread - WW moved out a little over a month ago. Four years since DDay 1 and was not getting anywhere. I'm mostly doing well. Certainly sleeping better than in a long time. Friends have been great. Attending Divorce Care 2 hours away from the ranch one way and it's a positive experience.

My best wishes to all of you and that whatever path you take to healing it results in you feeling whole and healthy.

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