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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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PurpleHaze posted 6/10/2018 22:08 PM

I could be wrong, but to the best of my knowledge MOW funded hotel rooms and drove herself to meet WH when he was out of town, I do not think he reimbursed money for gas. Since she is MOW, I have to consider that her poor husband also contributed to hotel funding and she did go to the best.

To me, that in and of itself is a mindbender. No expectations of flowers, gifts, even just a meal. Absolutely nothing other than sex and of course texting, sexting and talking.

Obviously I am in a bad mood this evening.

Lodestar posted 6/11/2018 05:34 AM

Purple Haze - welcome to the club!

For almost 4 years the AP was satisfied with sex once a month or every other month. Nothing else. She's not married, no kids, no BF. How broken does a person have to be to drive 60 miles on her lunch break in order to have sex in the back seat of her car with a married man?

Never any flowers, gifts, meals, dates, holidays ilys, nothing. Not even texts apart from 'Wanna come have sex?'

Who does that? Oh, wait... my WH was there too

[This message edited by Lodestar at 5:56 AM, June 11th (Monday)]

steadychevy posted 6/11/2018 05:50 AM

Welcome to the club, PurpleHaze, unfortunately. I guess the situation you described isn't totally unusual like I used to think it was. My WW drove herself to his place (5 minutes from work) where he lived alone because his wife caught him fucking a different woman. He called, she went, they fucked, she came home. Booty call. There was never a meal, coffee, even an glass of water at his place, card, gifts, etc. No texting, no phone calls, no nights spent together even when they could. For 4 years. Apparently it was validating and fulfilling, though, because she told me so.

These are things we can't understand because we can't understand. It's foreign to us. It doesn't make sense. We can't make sense out of nonsense. Why would my WW be a booty call for a loser. Someone she never intended to leave me for? I guess I'm biased but it isn't rational to me.

PurpleHaze posted 6/11/2018 09:44 AM

MOW did "chit chat" sext, text and such so there was a little more than the sex which was during lunch breaks at times. I never knew lunch sex was so popular among cheaters.

Dday number 1 is next month and I am still trying to get thru that it lasted over 16 years. It was more likely 18. Either way, that is a long time to lie, sneak around and have a secret life. They did have a break for a few years from the sex which was logistic but kept each other going with talking and sexts.

Now WH says he realizes he took me for granted and didn't know how much I meant to him. For years I asked what was wrong. He knew first H was a cheater and I had been very hurt. He would deny ever thinking of cheating and turn it on me so I felt horrible. Often, I felt crazy.

I guess I deal with a lot of pain and anger. When coming out of stunned shock I didn't realize a person could feel so much pain.

We had a conversation a while back that I will put in the cheaters handbook if I can ever find where it has been hidden. Me: "How would you feel if I just wanted to have sex with someone else for a few years"? Him: "Why would you want to be married to me if you want to have sex with someone else"? You can't make this shit up!

I read successful R stories here, I also read a lot of pain. No matter what, it is a hell of a rollercoaster ride and I don't know who I am at times. I am not who I use to be. I am sadder, sarcastic, I cry easily and things I never thought about will trigger me and drop me to my knees. I am much smaller than I use to be, the A diet. I have aged 10 years in the past one. People who haven't seen me in awhile are surprised at my appearance. I am no where near ok but better than I was 4 months ago.

Lodestar and steadychevy, LTA are so hard because the decision to lie and cheat went on for so long. At any point in time they could have stopped. I don't think it helps to know WH and MOW were friends who talked the whole time. They also dated years ago for a year or more and remained friends and "body buddies" supposedly before my marriage as well as after. Lodestar, MOW wasn't getting her sex on with her own husband, she was newly married, a single woman putting up with just sex is mind bending. steady, your right, we can't make sense out of nonsense but sometimes I jump in the rabbit hole and try. We think differently which is a positive for all of us. We just don't think like that.

[This message edited by PurpleHaze at 9:54 AM, June 11th, 2018 (Monday)]

hopeandhealing posted 6/11/2018 13:55 PM


Never any flowers, gifts, meals, dates, holidays ilys, nothing. Not even texts apart from 'Wanna come have sex?'

Who does that? Oh, wait... my WH was there too

Who does that? Your husband...and my husband!! My WH's APs were also single woman, with the exception of one, who was a friend of mine (ex friend/whore).

WTH is with sex in the back seat of cars? How is that not a massive red flag if that is your only/best option for location? How can a 40 year old woman be ok with being nothing more than a bootie call?? All I can say is I hope she's raising her two daughters to have a greater sense of worth.

No funds spent by my WH. I do the banking, I would know.

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 2:56 PM, June 11th (Monday)]

deephurt posted 6/11/2018 15:19 PM

The most wh said he spent was for a coffee here and there. Even that bugged me.

He said there were no gifts but I often wonder if there was something small. Clearly he bought the condoms with cash so I donít know. Nothing big.

I take care of all our finances. I would have noticed if there was a significant amount spent on anything.

Calls, texts and dick/boob pictures sent and some emails I have since found. Then screwing in a parked car for less than a hour every 2-3 weeks. One time in a hotel room that she paid for (apparently).

hopeandhealing posted 6/11/2018 15:46 PM

Deep hurt,

I would have appreciated money spent on condoms, rather than the exchange of body fluids and subsequent exposure I got.

That's is one of the hardest aspects for me. Such complete disregard. All about his pleasure. How do you do that and then crawl into bed beside your wife, go coach your kids after you just f---ed your whore? I will never get it.

Not sure I can live with someone who is capable of that level of selfishness, regardless of his level of remorse.

PurpleHaze posted 6/11/2018 19:50 PM

I get the condoms. My Wh has hpv. I was in such denial that after 10 surgeries when the docs said radiation, I researched for a month putting off radiation. It saved his life because it was not yet cancer but hpv. I worked in the medical field my whole life. I denied that, told myself he must have got that before he met me. MOW had cervical cancer twice. She told him about the cancer, not that it was hpv. Oh, for a condom.

There is so much I don't get. Trying to make sense out of nonsense really is the kind of stuff that breeds insanity.

I will never get no coffee, no flowers, no cards, no shared meals, no real conversations, no bills, no kids, no trials nor triumphs, nothing but chit chat, sexting, sex where nobody cuddled or spent the night, just a rollover, a bit of conversation, pull on your pants and go home, or stay home.

The irony is that for the first time in my life I wonder, I am not very experienced should I give that shit a try? Should I for the first time in my life have mindless, doesn't matter, f the world sex? I have never done that, should I give it a go. I am stopped by all kinds of things but mostly, I am stopped by that is not who I have ever been. I am a child of the 70's, I was "the last virgin" in my class. I was embarrassed to hold that title and eventually quite proud, not meaning others who went for it were less than. It just felt right for me. It was my comfort zone at the time. Now, I question, is that why people cheat? If I had just said f it, I am going to rock it, would it matter. I did in my relationships have the attitude of lets shoot the moon. I was shy but teachable. Shit, now I feel like I should have come up with incredible ideas for sex and regret that I didn't know more.

I think infidelity breaks us. We question everthing. Often I wish my brain would just shut up.

hopeandhealing posted 6/11/2018 22:00 PM

PurpleHaze, your words resonate. I was the same. Raised in the church that it was something sacred, only to be shared between husband and wife. I was not my WH's first, but he denied very many partners, which was reasonable given the young age at which we met. I have since learned he lied about that too because he didn't want me to think less of, we started the r/s out on lies, which only 25 years later, I have learned.

While I know hpv is an incredibly common virus (I too work in the medical field), I also know, I shouldn't have it based on my sexual hx. So when I did get it, ummm, well that was the universe hitting me over the head saying, "it is time for you to stop believing your lying ass husband. He's a cheater".

Cheap thrills for him and a lifetime risk for me. Anger is an understatement. It is unforgivable. From this, I don't know how to move forward.

I also think as you do, that in many ways, I wasted the best years of my life on him, the cake eater. I would never cheat, but I certainly wish I had done things differently, waiting longer to get married, played the field more...hopefully had a better "picker" as I got older.. Now that he is older, he says he is remorseful, reformed, would never hurt me in this way again, "I am no longer that guy". He has seen my pain and couldn't ever do it again....blah, blah, blah. I wish I cared.

Indifference is my new emotion.

PurpleHaze posted 6/11/2018 23:24 PM

hopeandhealing, I hit indifference with my first marriage. I remember it felt like peace. I felt free and happy and new.

I have no idea if I can breathe thru this one. I think that shock helped me for awhile and now that it has quieted I am just at a loss. I feel so much pain and so much loss. I play I wish with myself but it only hurts because I wish I knew years ago that I was playing on a team of one. While I wish that I had taken the chance and experimented more, would it have made any difference? I will never know.

Yeah the picker. I thought I had fine tuned that, now I know I should have spent more time in healing and growing. Retrospect is always good but also bites.

HPV, you never know when it will hit you. A lifetime now of waiting to see if I hit that lottery.

Sorry you are in that boat, godspeed to us both. Hopefully the pain of what we have endured is maybe the end of it, I sure hope so.

I wish you couldn't relate to me, that you were not here. Cake eaters are so selfish and there is no way to understand that level of thinking. That's a good thing, it means we never treated others in a bad way but tried to be good people although somewhat naÔve. Thanks for understanding, sorry your here and can relate. Huge hugs to you.

steadychevy posted 6/12/2018 06:43 AM

I read these last few posts and think "how can you ladies write my story"? So many similarities.

WW never used condoms. She believed she would never get an STD from me but she knew her AP cheated on his wife who left him shortly after my WW and he started up because she caught him with a different woman. Sex at noon in his van and in his parents basement then back to work. Sex on a viewing platform of a bird sanctuary mid afternoon on the way back from resourcing a meeting, on the side of the road, etc. She would stop at his place on her way home from work whenever he called her to stop, come home dirty and not clean up before coming to bed with me. And no guilt.

I was a 25 year old virgin, by choice, before the woman who would become my wife. It was difficult many times to maintain that. I knew my WW wasn't a virgin and my intentions were not honourable when we had sex for the first time. I was soon smitten, though, and was okay with her not being a virgin. I expected that I would be her one and only from that moment on and she did pledge to forsake all others. I found out after the first or second DDay that there were perhaps a couple dozen before me, even at her young age. Knowledge of that may have changed my decision but may not either. I believed a person can "turn over a new leaf", love will prevail, etc.

I wonder, too, if I should have sown my wild oats as a young man. I was in my teens and early 20s during the sexual revolution, rode broncs on a semi-professional rodeo circuit (I wasn't very good) so there were lots of opportunities. But really I'm glad I didn't. I've thought, since DDays, that I should D and make up for those past opportunities now. But I won't because that would change who I am. I am very far removed from being a saint but I just don't think it's something I could do or would want to do.

I went through long periods of anger like I didn't know I could feel, hopeandhealing. Rage. Felt pain that I thought I couldn't survive and hoped I wouldn't. But it gets better. Time. But more importantly it's what you do with the time. I didn't start to heal until several months after we separated. I needed a real good IC which, fortunately, I found. It doesn't matter whether you R or D it's a long road.

Just reading those posts PurpleHaze, hopeandhealing and deephurt makes me think that everything's different but everything's the same. Just read these early this morning and started rambling. I pray for continued healing for you.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 7:03 AM, June 12th (Tuesday)]

deephurt posted 6/12/2018 13:31 PM

WH said they always used a condom-during intercourse but never during oral. MOW said they didn't always use a condom. Who to believe? The problem is that we were exposed at all-against our will. It really does feel like a form of rape. Definitely emotional abuse.

Some forms of STD's can take decades to show up. Including HPV. If I ever find out I have or had HPV, I know its him.

WH was/is my first and only. I was never his first and clearly not his only.

After DDay, he said he wished he had never had sex with anyone else-something I don't believe-one of the reasons was that he said the same thing DURING his A to me.

I never wished I had more experience until after DDay. Now? I wish I had played the field more-BUT I lost my virginity to my WH at 15. How much more playing the field could I have done.

After DDay, the urge for revenge was so strong that I had decided that I was going to cheat as well-I never did but I came to that conclusion so many times in my head. I think the fact that I have never been with anyone else makes it more difficult to consider doing it. Plus I have so much more integrity than he had.

After DDay, I asked WH if he ever considered the fact that he was the only one I had sex with as special.....he had this blank stare before he said he should have.

The fact that I know he had his mouth in her twat and then came home to me....that I picked up his underwear with her DNA on it, that I know his hands were covered in her and then he would touch the car handles, steering wheel, door to the house, etc etc.....makes me want to vomit.

Maybe if he had let me in on the secret that he had opened up our M, I would have found someone else to make me feel like I was awesome too. Maybe I would have been open to it if I had known that my M was open. Maybe he wouldn't have liked that I could have very easily found someone to replace him.

The total disrespect and lack of giving a shit about anyone but themselves is definitely the worst part. Being told that he didn't even think of me when he was with her-yep, that made things better for me-wanted to punch his face so hard.

hopeandhealing posted 6/12/2018 14:22 PM

I am astonished at the similarity of all the stories on the LTA forum, it actually boggles my mind. Though all WS are clearly selfish, self serving and entitled, with the LTA, the narcissistic tendencies (not saying they are dx narcissists, just have traits) astound me. The capacity to compartmentalize is beyond my realm of comprehension.

Deephurt,I have no doubt if you told your WH you were also going to look outside the M for some ego kibbles, he would not have been supportive. Their wayward ways are not a "good for the goose, good for the gander" situation...more of a "good for the goose is good for the goose and I'll take more of the good for the goose please, cause I'm a cake eater" or vice versa.

Ironically enough my WH has always gotten jealous if I get attention from other men. If I had done what he had done, there is absolutely zero chance he would be giving me the gift of R. 5 years of hook ups a couple of times a week? I am no mathematician, but that's a shit tonne for me to "reconcile". They didn't do anything spectacular and he says it wasn't "special" because he didn't love them

To me the "specialness" of sex is also now gone. It was something I thought we had together, me sharing with only him and him with only one other before me...clearly not the case....lies, lies, lies. So much based upon lies, 25 years of lies.

I keep telling myself I would not have the great kids I do if I hadn't met him and the heartache could still have existed based on the myriad of people in pain on this website, but somedays it is a real struggle and I very much wish I hadn't met him, but hindsight's a bitch.

I am certainly advising my 19 year old daughter to enjoy her youth, don't commit too young, people change so much. Her reply? "It worked for you and dad!" No, no it didn't, if only you knew.

Steady, I am sorry you can relate to our stories, it so sucks and I am sorry you were hurt so deeply by someone you trusted. You are a man of character and integrity, so playing the field wasn't who you were. It wasn't who I was back then either, not who I am now. Time will tell if I have to test out the field. I don't want to.

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 5:53 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)]

PurpleHaze posted 6/12/2018 15:17 PM

That's another thing, there no longer exists that wonderful, special feeling of knowing the intimacy we shared was special and just between us, nobody else. Knowing MOW experienced what I did hurts a lot. I treasured that bond, it really meant so much to me. It meant nothing to my WH, now it doesn't mean much to me.

I am hoping that I will pull out of this pain I am now feeling. It wasn't just the sex. MOW was easy to talk to, felt good. I would have loved a call when WH just wanted an easy chat. I would have loved a text "How are you, thinking of you". It would have felt so good.

Thanks for the prayers steadychevy, and for everyone here I sure wish you weren't. This is a very painful place to be. It does help just to know that others can really comprehend the absolute mind f of a LTA but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

amanda123 posted 6/13/2018 06:16 AM

I never wanted or will do revenge sex. That is not me. I think if I ever got down to that level I think my M would well and truly be over. I would rather walk away. I still love the asshole.

We come from different places and all different walks of life however there is one thing that we all have in common and it doesnt discriminate, there are no age barriers, no religious barriers, no class barriers, or even gender barriers. We are all here travelling down the same road because we have been betrayed. We share our stories trying to be heard and gain insight into why or WSs could do this to us. We support each other and we understand each other, we know how it feels for other people going throught this because we have experienced it ourselves. Our stories may differ slightly but the cheaters handbook has shown us that our WSs behave in a similar fashion, they lie, they hide things, they become secretive, they disregard and disrespect us but most of all they hurt us.

I thought the more years that passed the better I would be. I seem to be doing the opposite. I am in descent mode. I guess I am finding out more about the LTA and its making me angrier and angrier.

I do have to say one thing cheered me up. Knowing that OW is also in therapy. Not nice of me I know but glad to see she is fixing up her issues, and she is also dealing with my H leading her on and lying to her. Feeling sorry for her, NOT one little bit.

deephurt posted 6/13/2018 13:22 PM

Isnít it amazing just how similar our wayís are? Itís actually disturbing imho.

The destruction that people will cause their lives ones for an organs.

How remorseful they seem after caught. Where was that remorse when they were stabbing us in the heart?

Amanda, like you, I felt I would be much better this far out. Sometimes I feel normal again. I even feel happy a lot of the time. There always seems to be this BUT there though. But look what he did. But what if. But he didnít give a shit about you for at least a decade. But he is a liar.

Basically, I see this new guy. He appears to be a great spouse now. I just dont have it in me to believe in my happily ever after.

In my head I think maybe he wishes he were still living the double life he said he felt he had. Maybe he is only with me out of comfort. Maybe he wishes he still had a piece
On the side. Maybe he isnít remorseful. Maybe he will do it again and is actively looking. I mean why is he okay with just me now?

We work together now so it would be near impossible for him to have a pa now but I donít feel confident of that.

I hear sings it watch shows and there is always a constant reminder. Always something to remind me that I meant nothing to him for so long.

So why do I now?

Iím starting to believe this is as good as I will ever feel and itís not what I want. I want to be able to trust. I want to never have mind movies if my wh with someone else. I want a peaceful mind. I donít feel like I will ever have a peaceful mind again.

Deejay523 posted 6/13/2018 14:50 PM


Iím starting to believe this is as good as I will ever feel and itís not what I want. I want to be able to trust. I want to never have mind movies if my wh with someone else. I want a peaceful mind. I donít feel like I will ever have a peaceful mind again

I can relate so much to this hurt this pain...
At a little over 4 years now I want a peaceful mind more than anything and sadly I feel like I will never have this again.

PurpleHaze posted 6/13/2018 15:39 PM

Deejay523, you and deephurt just nailed a huge piece, a peaceful mind. That is so huge, my mind refuses to shut up. It screams a lot of the time no matter what I do. I try everything so that I won't experience "mind movies". How do you shut that down when you sleep? I do yoga, meditate, listen to positive things, read, and go to a place of good, happy thoughts but my mind keeps going back to "she was easy to talk to, felt good, I put it in a box so I didn't think about it". That is before the mind movies of the person I cherished and trusted having sex with someone else. I would love to know if there is a secret for putting my mind at peace. I am so exhausted by the pain I feel.

deephurt posted 6/13/2018 16:01 PM

Yes, exactly. Itís exhausting. I feel like Iíve aged 20 years

My mind is never settled. I am always anxious. I get angry much faster. Every time I get angry, about anything, I feel like lashing out at wh about his a. Everything seems to relate back to the a.

I feel like Iím irrationally obsessing about it yet I know I am trying not to.

Others would tell me to get over it already. I donít discuss it with anyone other than wh and si. Only our son and his fiancť knew about it after dday. I never wanted to discuss it with anyone because I knew if we r, it would be more difficult.

Thank god for si. Cheapest therapy you can get and so much better than a therapist. You guys KNOW what we are going through. It makes such a difference.

I am seriously considering looking for a trauma specialist with experience in emdr to see if it helps. Some say it has and others say it so much. I just donít know what else to do to move forward from here. I still have feelings of rage 4 years out.

PurpleHaze posted 6/13/2018 16:29 PM

((((deephurt)))) I have been doing some emdr, for me it helps and doesn't. IC and I are moving towards another way to help trauma.

As for the aging, I soooo get that. I won't say 20 years, but at least 10. It is physically obvious to the point that people I have not seen in a while are surprised. First they notice the weight loss, then its like they don't know what to say when the really look at me.

Anxiety is a constant companion. I have tried so hard to work on that too. No answers on that score, for some meds help, others find meditation works, all sorts of things, I am still anxious.

I agree, I am so grateful for SI. I wish I would have found this place sooner but I did find it. Honestly, nobody understands the absolute mind f of an affair unless they have lived it. There really are no words to describe it. While some here have done an amazing job of putting to words the unbelievable pain, you really have to live it to know it.

"Get over it", I wish. I wish I could get over it. Wake up tomorrow and stay in the first moments before I remember it all. Just stay in those first few moments forever. Of course, that is on the days I don't jump up from some horrible nightmare relating to the A.

I do have good times when I seem to live like I use to. Happy, funny, strong, a bit of a character, feeling like no matter what I can get thru each moment and see the positive. Then, I will sink into this hole of so much pain, mind movies, feeling like I would give anything for just a time not to be me right now. Rollercoaster does describe it well. My issue with that is I did not buy a ticket and was not even aware I was at an amusement park.

It is raw, it is painful and it is a challenge to overcome. I actually feel like slapping people at times which honestly, I have never ever experienced before. I truly surprise myself some days! I do believe we all can and will overcome this. There will be a day when happy, funny, strong lasts for the better part and the awful only has moments. From there, maybe there will come the good and none of the bad. I am so very grateful for this place where I can not only write out the most awful of my life but I know that others get just how awful sometimes it is. Another hug to you as well as anyone else who finds themselves here. I wouldn't wish this on a dog, literally, I now trust dogs more than people!

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