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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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donna3 posted 6/13/2018 16:40 PM

Deephurt: I could have written your exact post except that I am 4.5 years out. most days are good, some even better than good. But the hurt is always there and all it takes is one country song or a chapter in a book and it all comes out and runs down my face. Will it ever really go away:? My H works his ass off daily to do right by me, I will give him that. He says he knows that at any point I can still kick him out . I still absolutely don't get it and I have resigned myself that I never will. I will never know it all - there is just too much in a 3 yr LTA. And although i do occasionally still ask questions, H would be more than happy to never mention it again.

To all the rest of your - sorry you are here. I see we have some new ones. You are still so new to the hurt. It is not possible to think clearly, all you feel is anger and pain. the dust will settle - I had my aha moment about 3 years in when I realized that I did want to keep this marriage together and to do that I was going to have to let go of some things. It happened, I can't change it, and I must move on. That is my mantra when I feel myself falling, and fall I do. Luckily it is every couple of months now instead of daily.

As for money, he spent a ton of it. A personal charge card with a 15K limit filled to the brim with hotel stays, meals, drinks, gifts as he gave her wonderful weekends on the motorcycle and paid for it all. He even gave her food and cigarette money and money to get thru the holidays. gifts like flowers and expensive Harley clothes. He was her sugar daddy. He still gave me his share of the household money but charged everything he spent on her. And now he is paying it off, but it will take years. I resent it all and that credit card is his problem.

My self esteem and dignity? Gone. I know that I DID NOT DO THIS, he did - but still. He chose another over me. younger, thinner, more experienced sexually (we were each others one and only) and way more aggressive in sex. That and some things he said on Dday about me have made me so down on myself. I am no longer the person I was. Like all of you have stated in one post or another: We know this was on them yet we take the hit. They are the one who made the poor choices and our self esteem suffers. And I hate that I am over 60 and in my head she is still 45 ( I know she aged also but that is the age he met her)

This is all so complex. Never did i expect this in my retirement years. I was always such a confident person. Now? Not so much.

Find some enjoyment outside. take a walk. look at flowers. do something, anything for yourself. Give your mind a break from all this shit. There has to be some peace for you somewhere. And take it where you can find it.

deephurt posted 6/13/2018 18:47 PM

Great post Donna.

When you mentioned taking a walk and smelling the flowers, it reminded me of the times when I left the house and took hours long walks near the water. I cried almost the whole time and people looked at me weird and with pity. You almost think they can read your mind.

I try to see what he is doing now. My wh really is trying and I can see it. Itís me that is keeping the a current. My prerogative but also my problem.

Knowing what he was really thinking and wanting at the time may help but likely not. He was cake eating and it was an enormous cake. It cost me a lot. I often wonder what it really cost him.

northeasternarea posted 6/13/2018 18:55 PM

I will say I feel more like me every day. No, this isn't how I pictured my life. I think what has slowly happened is that the marriage has diminished in importance for me. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. My faith is stronger. My WH is now the one who wonders whether I will wake up one morning and decide that I have had enough. His opinion matters less to me. He trusts me with his life, I don't trust him with mine. Four years ago he was living with his whore. It is only by God's grace and mercy that we are still together. It's up to him to behave in a manner that makes staying with him worth it.

hopeandhealing posted 6/16/2018 11:06 AM

Do people on this thread, those of us who have been lied to and betrayed over and over or for ridiculously long times, do we ever actually get to a place of R?

I read some of the happy reconciliation stories on that forum and I just don't know if that is possible with the depth of pain and betrayal which comes with realizing you have been lied to and deceived most of your relationship? I hope it is, but I am beginning to wonder.

Not to minimize a ONS etc, but this truly is a different beast. I don't mean to be pessimistic, I guess I am just having a bad day thinking about the 500 or so times he volitionally chose to hurt me and then lie about it and continue the behaviours despite being "caught".

I think I am letting myself down by staying with someone capable of being so damaging to others, despite him showing me that's not who he is now. It almost doesn't matter who he is now, the wound from him is so deep.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 6/16/2018 11:13 AM

How do you compete with someone that's been in and out of his life for years? And now seems completely entrenched in each other's lives? I am just waiting for the day he reveals the affair to me and kick me out for her. Its coming.

northeasternarea posted 6/16/2018 11:33 AM

Do people on this thread, those of us who have been lied to and betrayed over and over or for ridiculously long times, do we ever actually get to a place of R?

I think we will be working on reconciliation for whatever remaining time that we stay together. I don't make demands, or issue ultimatums, but I am very clear on what is acceptable to me.

hopeandhealing posted 6/16/2018 12:56 PM

I am sorry Whyagain. You deserve more. Have you considered taking your power back and leaving if you have evidence of the A? If he is not remorseful and not willing to do the work, why stay and let him decide what he wants to do and when he wants to do it? This is your life.

NorthEastern. I agree with you. I do the same and he is giving me what I ask for, but I just don't know if I can ever love him again. How do I love someone who has caused me the worst pain in my life? He says I am not that man anymore, I won't ever be that person again...but he had sooooo many chances to change his choices earlier on, 20 years ago. Sadly, I am beginning to think his remorse is too late for me. It's just not easy to walk away from 25 years. All my life stories include him.

amanda123 posted 6/16/2018 17:47 PM

Do people on this thread, those of us who have been lied to and betrayed over and over or for ridiculously long times, do we ever actually get to a place of R?

I can only speak for myself on this one. I believe that my H and I are both at a place of working towards mutual R. He is no longer in contact or in his LTA with OW. He has said he is sorry and wont do it again. For me right now I am staying in the M. That doesnt mean that I may not change my mind. Why do I say that? The answer is because I am still hurting. Im still not over what he did or said to me. I thought I had forgiven him but I now see I cant totally forgive him, not yet and maybe never. My therapist has said I have to move on and stop mentioning it so often. In my mind I cant until I know everything and he tells me his side of the events. I have heard it from OW and I want to hear it from him. He does everything I want him to, he is a good dad he helps me with everything around the house, we talk about everything except the A and his feelings. I have to drag everything out of him. When I have a trigger thats when I start asking him the questions and truly it is such a painful task. I get tired of his one word answers like yes or no maybe or unsure. That is not helpful. H is happy until I start grilling him. My therapist has told me that I may never know everything I want to know. This is not new for my H to not talk about things. However this is the time when I need him to. The blind trust is gone forever.

We have 3 children and I have loved him since I was 12 years old. He is my one and only but unfortuunately I am not his. OW was a friend and sadly she has a place in our history. I still love him, I will always love him however it is different now. The respect and admiration I had for him went out the window, it is slowly building back but it will never be like it was before, too much has happened. I guess time will tell. Until then we will keep going.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 6/16/2018 17:57 PM

hopeandhealing, thank you. I read messages between them, the affair is quite active and they are making plans to move forward. I m financially dependent on him and he watches what I spend. I'm trying to sneak some away, but it is slow going. He makes 10x what I do, but also we are mot married, so the longer I drag this out the better.

He also does not know that I know and I doubt I will get access again, to get screenshots of anything, not that it would matter.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/16/2018 22:14 PM

That's another thing, there no longer exists that wonderful, special feeling of knowing the intimacy we shared was special and just between us, nobody else. Knowing MOW experienced what I did hurts a lot. I treasured that bond, it really meant so much to me. It meant nothing to my WH, now it doesn't mean much to me.
I am hoping that I will pull out of this pain I am now feeling. It wasn't just the sex. MOW was easy to talk to, felt good. I would have loved a call when WH just wanted an easy chat. I would have loved a text "How are you, thinking of you". It would have felt so good.

The only two things I know for a fact she didn't experience with my WH are taking vows and having his child. Everything else has completely lost it's exclusivity which is why I can no longer feel he is mine. That's gone.

I also would have loved just a bit of the attention she got. The calls, the messages, the effort. Having him say "what's up baby?" when he would answer the phone made me feel so special and that stopped when she came along. It would have taken the smallest amount of effort, the simplest gesture and it would have meant so much to me. It would have put me on cloud 9 for days, but I guess I wasn't worth that effort to him.

hopeandhealing posted 6/16/2018 23:35 PM

(((Malibu))) I am sorry he has tainted so many gestures for you. You were and are worth the effort, he was just too self absorbed to do it.

I feel so much pain in this thread, it makes my heart so sad for everyone posting.

Nobody seems like they are truly happy. I don't get the sense anyone has achieved R, rebuilt this amazing new marriage and are happier than before dday or even truly happy period, which I occsionally read in the reconciliation forum. Maybe success stories aren't posting in this thread anymore or maybe the LTA steals that possibility from us? I hope not.

I don't feel that being content with my M is enough. My WH is trying, he is remorseful, working hard, but tonight I told him I fear the magnitude of the betrayal and more importantly even, the lies, are just too profound for me to get over. I don't feel I am ready to jump off the fence yet at 10 months out, but I feel myself putting both legs on that side of the fence now whereas I didn't before. It will break my heart to D, to lose my M, my life partner, but staying is also breaking my

amanda123 posted 6/17/2018 05:54 AM

donna3, you are 100% right you did not do this. Our WS made choices that we would never make. This is all on them unfortunately we are the ones who are caught up in the aftermath of it all.

WhyAgainWhyHer, I think you are very courageous. I think I would be an absolute wreck sitting there waiting for that to happen. Do you have a plan set up if that were to happen? Where will you go?

Malibu, We here your devastation, we feel your pain. I am going to tell you what I was told. If there is anything positive going to happen it will come from you. You know how we lived in fear of our WSs leaving us for the AP? We are the one's that are in control now. We have the power to make the change if we want to. We are the one's to decided whether we can try to forgive them or whether we stay with them. That did empower me a little however leaving my H is not what I really want to do. I am like most here mourning the loss of the marriage or relationship we had pre - affair.

deephurt, Again we feel your pain, it is really hard to get over some of the shitty things they did and said. Glad to hear that your H is trying and that you have good days.

northeasterarea, I think you are at the "Im not taking any more crap from you" stage. Strong and confident.

hopeandhealing, there are some that have moved forward and are happy and periodically come back and check in to see everyone else. I think for you it is still relatively early. You are right qute a lot of us in this group have not gone to that happy place of our relationships/marriages being better than what they were before the A. Perhaps this is the reason, that there has been too much damage done. Everyone of us has our own story, you may be one of the ones that has a great outcome.

Hugs to everyone.

MessyT posted 6/17/2018 06:27 AM

Feeling really down at the moment and no one to talk to about it. We have to move again. The house we rented when we moved back to the US was really too expensive and we should really have found something cheaper but of course he insisted. So now after 2 years in it our money is exhausted and we have to move.

Of course all the hard work of moving comes on to me. We need to get rid of so much stuff and he wonít help at all. Every time I try to get rid of things he says keep it it doesnít take up much room. Of course one thing doesnít but when you multiply it adds up. We have stuff we havenít used in ten years but he wonít throw it away.

But anyway I just try and get on with it. But what really sent me down a rabbit hole this week was when I went through my box of letters and cards. I have tossed all his valentineís and anniversary cards because they donít mean anything to me now. I read the words and think of how much bullshit they were.

But I did sit down to read all the letters he sent me when we were living apart when he moved first to other countries and we were to follow later. One such period was when he started his PA while I was waiting to give birth to DS2. And I read these letters and he expressed his feelings about me and then it struck me and I reread his emails to his PA/12 year EA OW and he used the same words expressing the same feelings.

I realise we use the same terms in our previous relationships but here he was doing it during our marriage. I wasnít special or his one and only like he was to me. And Iím stuck living with someone that felt like that. We are facing poverty and there is no way out. I really wish he had died instead of putting me through this hell on earth. I have dedicated myself to someone whose not worth my love and Iíve lost everything.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/17/2018 09:08 AM


It's been a while since I've seen a post from you and have wondered how you are doing. I'm so sorry to read this update.

Knowing you were waiting to move back to the U.S. and hoping for brighter days, it makes me sad to see that hasn't happened.

Is he not working? I'm also assuming that he has done nothing towards working on the marriage either. Honestly I wish you had left him in his homeland and been able to move home with your kids. He's not being much of a father or husband and sounds like he still calls the shots. What's his plan now? How is he going to provide for his family? Are you down sizing to a smaller home?

Moving is hard work and incredibly stressful and here just 2 years later he is again putting it all on your back. What exactly does he do because it doesn't sound like much.

I never post in R, and only recently started to look at that forum just to see how others are getting on. There are many of the members I am familiar with but I'm not at a point of considering myself in R. I'm in limbo. I don't know how many are truly happy and moving past infidelity but those that are I envy.

I too threw out all his cards to me. Why keep them?

Again, I'm sorry to see this. I was hoping being back home would set things in motion for you to break away from him.

Hopeful76 posted 6/17/2018 22:20 PM

I don't spend as much time in the forum maining because I am trying to make a clear decision about my future. So many of our stories have similar elements that it pulls me into the extremely painful thoughts of the past. That is not a balanced way to judge my present.

I needed to be here tonight because in a few hours it will ne exactly 2 years since the DDay moment. He is dosing in the airplane seat next to me as we are coming back from a cross trip to see our daughter. I know leaving or staying is totally my choice I just have been unable to plant noth feet on either side of the fence.

Thank you for listening. It helps to know someone hears you.

hopeandhealing posted 6/18/2018 01:30 AM

I hope you had a safe flight back home.

Your perspective to judge your present is what I needed to hear tonight. I find I go through periods where I just can't look past the hurt from the past and how on God's green earth he was able to do what he did for so long. Other times, I am very much in the present, able to focus on the work he is doing and be appreciative.

I feel like I should have rock hard abs from sitting on the fence and swinging my legs back and forth from R to D and back depending on the day, the hour, the minute!

Take care of yourself tomorrow. I hope your H is attentive to your needs and does something nice in recognition that tomorrow is going to be a hard one.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 6/18/2018 07:49 AM

amanda123, I stay because I don't know what else to do. I stay because I can't imagine life without him (but I'm starting to try). Sometimes I wonder if I really read it at all, maybe it was a bad dream. But then I watch him, and I see how he avoids me.

We always take a big trip in the fall. He won;t discuss planing anything, says he's busy and we will talk later. But later never comes.

northeasternarea posted 6/18/2018 12:58 PM

Nobody seems like they are truly happy. I don't get the sense anyone has achieved R, rebuilt this amazing new marriage and are happier than before dday or even truly happy period, which I occsionally read in the reconciliation forum. Maybe success stories aren't posting in this thread anymore or maybe the LTA steals that possibility from us? I hope not.

I think people tend to stay away when things are going well. My road to getting on the path to reconciliation was rocky. Staying on the reconciliation path has taken a lot of prayer. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. I try to live a life that is pleasing to God. I don't have to stay with my WH, I choose to stay with him. I still have days that weigh heavily. Sometimes I have to make myself see the man that he is today. I look back over my life, and choices that I have made, some of which were really awful, and worthy of condemnation. I see that he has chosen to do the work to be a better man. As long as he stays on that path, I believe I will stay with him.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 6/18/2018 13:26 PM

northeasternarea, is there somewhere I can read your story?

northeasternarea posted 6/18/2018 13:32 PM

No, I've never done a complete accounting in one place. You can see the outline on my profile.

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