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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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Dilero posted 1/15/2019 09:25 AM

Update: it has been four weeks since WH went back to former home town to "play it out" with OW and break off the relationship.

I believe that he, indeed, ended it. I am, however, not so naive to think that he may cave to weakness, so I remain hopeful, yet skeptical.

He has blocked her from emails, phone calls, texts, and social media. He has given me passwords and access to his devices. We talk and as time passes with no contact, he opens up more and more.

I am optimistic, but fully aware that it has been only a few weeks.

twisted posted 1/17/2019 13:51 PM

Dear Dilero,
Let me get this straight.

You caught your cheating husband in a LTA. The two of you moved 1400 miles in order to end the affair. Now, he has gone back to your home town by himself in order to visit his mistress under the excuse that that's how he's going to end the relationship with her and you bought it?

Um ...

Best of luck.

Dilero, I rarely even check this thread but yours caught my eye.
I will refrain from making judgments here, but what excuse in the world did he give you that he had to do this in person that was the least bit believable after the repeated lying he has fed you?
A simple phone call would do it, if necessary at all.

Tallgirl posted 1/17/2019 20:17 PM

Dilero I hope it works out for you. Sounds like things are going in the right direction for you now.

Twisted has a point. I wondered the same thing.

I made the mistake of letting my WH end it with his AP whore after DDay 1. She cried so he slept with her.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:16 AM, January 18th (Friday)]

gmc94 posted 1/17/2019 22:17 PM

I - just this minute - realized that WH was talking to me about moving and applying for jobs in POSOW's city 15+ years ago... We went through 2 "rounds" of this. He was being pretty specific about jobs and nothing materialized.

I just completely frigging forgot about it. I can't remember if he did any of this after the PA began, but it now makes me feel he is still just flat out frigging lying.

Who the bleep DOES THIS SHIT?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:45 PM, January 17th, 2019 (Thursday)]

Tallgirl posted 1/18/2019 06:29 AM

GMC. I am sorry, WH are turds ((( gmc ))) , I hear your hurt. I think it is totally fair to say wtf and start the convo. Your anger is justified. You have had a hell of a tough time and I am so sorry.

Here to support you.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:30 AM, January 18th (Friday)]

Thanksgiving2016 posted 1/18/2019 08:59 AM

I randomly remember shit he did all the time. That’s one more thing about LTA that truly sucks. You remember hurts from years ago that didn’t make sense at the time then something makes you remember and it’s like oh yeah that asshole. But I rarely say anything about it. Sometimes I journal about it but usually it’s not convenient at the time and I will get then forget about it again.

twisted posted 1/18/2019 11:07 AM

Sorry to be crude, but this having to "end it in person" sounds like a "goodby fuck" to me.

Tallgirl posted 1/18/2019 16:04 PM

And to add to that Thanksgiving. Sometimes you remember a weird behavior and then you go, oh that's why he left the house on Christmas morning, or why he went for an errand on Valentine's day - to see the AP.

Hurts like a bitch each time.

amanda123 posted 1/18/2019 19:57 PM

Tallgirl, agree with your comment. Occasionally you think of something and then put two and two together down the track, yep still makes the blood rise.

4yearsoflies posted 1/27/2019 01:06 AM

Out of the blue... WH asked, ---nine days after our 19th wedding anniversary,---"What is the worst thing I could ever do?" I joked saying , commit murder. He didn't laugh and asked -What was the second worst thing?

He didn't even say it.

That is when I knew and broke down...he finally admitted what I had suspected for years. But after a number of accusations and getting no answers, I figured I was wrong... he would never have an affair or cheat, he wasn't that kind of guy.

Nine months have passed; he is trying. But I cannot make myself vulnerable or open to him. I have shut down again.

I don't know how or if I want to put the energy into reminding him to bring up the topic of his affair. To push me when I seem distant. Our MC says he shouldn't have to push. That I have to learn to communicate my needs clearly and directly.

But it is so dang hard. The thoughts about his deception and disregard and disrespect for me during this time won't leave.

I rationally know that he is being the man I thought I married now. And I know that I can't live in the rear view mirror...the past is done.

But I am struggling with how to deal with my anger. It is just bottling up and resentment is continuing to build. I want this M to work. .. but don't know how to move past this stage of anger and indifference.

amanda123 posted 1/27/2019 03:08 AM

4yearsoflies, I can't tell you how long it will take for your anger to subside. When your world has been turned upside down, it will take a while for you both to work on it and sort it out.

We recently had an Anniversary and it has always been a trigger for me, as my H for many years never wanted to acknowledge it. This year I am pleased to say that things were much different to previous years.

All I can tell you is that my anger and hurt has taken years to lessen. Even though things have improved for us as a couple, there are still a few things that make me angry when I think about them. Perhaps they may never go away or perhaps I have every right to still be angry about them. .

We still have a way to go, we are a work in progress, but I do believe we will get there. I hope the same for you.

gmc94 posted 1/27/2019 10:46 AM

I would just echo what Amanda has already said.
Takes time.
I’m only a couple of months farther from dday (the “truth” one for you) and still have plenty of anger. I think it’s normal. And healthy. The problem is how it’s expressed (and I’ve got plenty of my own work to do on that front). I wouldn’t get caught up in anger being bad or wrong - but on focus on the specific things causing it and how to express and process it in a healthy way. We are human and we get angry when folks hurt or disrespect us. Anger is ok - because standing up for yourself is ok. We tell our kids it’s ok to be angry at your brother, but it’s not ok to hit your brother.

I’m not sure I fully agree with the MC. Now, if you are not clearly communicating a need, that’s your burden. Obviously, we cannot expect someone to fulfill a need they are not aware of.

But if you clearly communicate a need - like WS bringing up the A - that shifts it to him. Saying he shouldn’t have to push is bologna IMO. If we are talking about “shouldn’t”, he shouldn’t of had an affair to begin with. He shouldn’t have put your peace of mind and reality in jeopardy. He should not have lied to you. Obviously, we can go on and on. The point is that if you need it and clearly let him know, and he wants to R, then he is making a choice. If the general rule is 2-5 years to heal/R, this sounds like a perfectly reasonable (and from all I’ve read on SI & everywhere else, a NORMAL/expected) request at less than 1yr out.
Personally, It often seems like telling a teenager to take out the trash. You’ve clearly stated it’s their responsibility, they see the trash can overflowing, yet they still somehow expect to be “reminded”.

Now, rather than going into what your WS shouldn’t “have” to do, I’d be asking why are you detaching? What’s going on to cause you to not feel safe with him?
That could be a bunch of reasons - including the dreaded 4-letter word: time. Takes time for trust to return (and I think it’s exacerbated with a LTA- when you’ve been lied to for YEARS, doesn’t seem odd to take years to restore any trust).

For me, every day that my WH doesn’t talk about it is a day I feel I carry the burden alone. May not be “fair” [to either of us], but there is not one damned thing about his choices that are “fair”.
One of the books - maybe Glass, maybe MacDonald, maybe another one - talks about this well. Basically, the WS bringing up the A helps the BS feel s/he is not bearing the burdens alone. It’s a big way for the BS to know the WS is also thinking about it, the harm, the need to do some hard work, the need to communicate progress, the need to show the BS who they REALLY are, etc.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:06 PM, January 27th, 2019 (Sunday)]

Tallgirl posted 1/27/2019 18:18 PM

4 years, I am sorry you are struggling. I can’t share anything to help other than I feel the similarly. You aren’t alone. The lies, the disrespect, the betrayal is there everyday. My WH just asked me what has he been doing wrong. My only answer is the A is with my every breath.

The anger leeches away happiness.

Maybe in a few tomorrows we can have some moments of peace and joy.

4yearsoflies posted 1/27/2019 22:45 PM


Now, rather than going into what your WS shouldn’t “have” to do, I’d be asking why are you detaching? What’s going on to cause you to not feel safe with him?
That could be a bunch of reasons - including the dreaded 4-letter word: time. Takes time for trust to return (and I think it’s exacerbated with a LTA- when you’ve been lied to for YEARS, doesn’t seem odd to take years to restore any trust).

For me, every day that my WH doesn’t talk about it is a day I feel I carry the burden alone. May not be “fair” [to either of us], but there is not one damned thing about his choices that are “fair”. ]

I detach because I am scared. I am scared to be vulnerable and deceived again. This morning I opened up and told him that I didn't feel able to take down my walls. ( which may have been there before all of this) He repeated how he didn't want to bring up the past, didn't want to risk triggering me if I was doing ok, etc.

I finally reminded him to review the book HTHYSH and that I just want acknowledgement-- like you said GMC- that I will not carry this burden forward alone. He stopped. Was quiet for s minute and sincerely apologized again for all he has done to me. That was what I needed at that moment.

Amanda--- knowing it may not dissipate is a blessing and a curse. At least this is normal. I told him today, too, that ifI didn't think he and our M was worth saving, I would have had him leave. I don't need him. And I don't, financially or emotionally. But I want him. I want it to work. So I must work at opening up to allow him to do the work he desperately wants to do to make me feel safe.

Tallgirl- I told him how the A is always with me even if it is like a white noise in the background, kind of like your breath. He is having a hard time grasping that. But I think as all of you have mentioned, Time will help. Time ihas already helped. If I am honest about it, I'm nowhere near the mess I was nine months ago.

Thanks for letting me vent everyone.

gmc94 posted 2/1/2019 15:39 PM

The anger leeches away happiness

Truer words could not be said....

northeasternarea posted 2/1/2019 17:01 PM

A while back, I posted about lack of libido. I talked to my gyn about it and she recommended a therapist. The upside is that my first session with her went well. The downside is that she doesn’t take insurance. I would really like to enjoy sex again.

Tallgirl posted 2/2/2019 05:52 AM

Northeastern I am sorry to hear you aren’t able to enjoy sex. Shame about insurance...

Are you hopeful this therapist can help? Do you think it is related to the infidelity?

I too would like to be able to enjoy sex again... you aren’t alone. The MC that we are seeing does couples sex counselling, though not sure we will get that far. I haven’t had sex in so long I am revirginated. And now I am so disgusted with my WH that I don’t want to /can’t touch him. When He asks for hugs, I hate it. Many difficult feelings swirling around this topic for me.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:54 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)]

northeasternarea posted 2/2/2019 07:33 AM

I think the infidelity is part of it, combined with family issues and post menopause. Hopefully she can help me get it sorted out.

amanda123 posted 2/3/2019 14:27 PM

I believe infidelity plays a huge part in the not feeling like sex anymore.

It's strange because I know I went through the hysterical bonding where I felt I couldn't get enough of it. Then that died off and it got to the stage where we were only having sex once a month because I wasn't feeling it.

For me it was also a mind issue. In my mind I was convinced because he wouldn't tell me that he loved me, I couldn't have sex with him, because when I did, it felt like it was just an act and it was empty, not really any affection it was just mechanical and frankly I felt like I was a prostitute.

Knowing that my H had told OW that he loved her, hurt like hell, and when he wouldn't tell me, it made me think he still loved her and was just using me. He on the other hand didn't want to say it to me because he felt that I would not have believed him after all he had done. So it was all so messed up.

So things have improved in all departments but as I have said we are still a work in progress.

North I don't know if there are any books out there that might help with this, have you searched?

northeasternarea posted 2/3/2019 16:45 PM

I haven’t searched for any books. I have read so many relationship books that I am taking a break from them.

My WH says he loves me, and wants to take care of me. What I know is that I will make sure that I can take care of me. We are still a work in progress.

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