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Newest Member: Ganon27

New Beginnings :
For those who prolonged the inevitable...

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 mighost (original poster member #56616) posted at 11:22 AM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

What's your current feeling about it?Did you regret that you agonized additional pain or consoled yourself by 'I did try everything before I pulled the plug'..?

Lot of betrayed spouses comes to forum for insights.Various advices are given to them.I understand it's up to the BS to decide that which advice is best for them to follow it.But I have a feeling that some 'New Beginning' people have regrets on their post D-Day decision of Reconciliation/Divorce..If so please share it.It can be useful for young man like me.On the other hand I feel forcing Reconciliation or waiting 6+ months for a BS in a lost cause is not fair especially if they are already in a brutal situation same goes to forcing divorce to a BS who have all the control of the outcomes..So thoughts?

posts: 50   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2016
id 7979555
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Husburned ( member #46422) posted at 12:15 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

My conscience is clean.

I gave her the gift of reconciliation, the opportunity to do the difficult work of winning my trust back. She ruined it so completely that I have no doubts about her or about us.

In a weird way, I'm thankful to learn the true depths of her narcissism and lack of compassion before I became infirm and found out when I had few options.

Should this be in the Divorce/Separation forum?

"Everyone has a plan... Until they get punched in the mouth."

-Mike Tyson
---------------------------
Married in '94, She cheated. D-Day Jan '15. Tried R for a year, but we didn't have the tools for it. Now mercifully divorced.

posts: 3123   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2015   ·   location: South of Canada, North of Mexico
id 7979591
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Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 12:19 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I regret that I wasted YEARS of my life on a person that did not value me, and was manipulating me and or trying to hurt me for years.

I wish I would have divorced 9 years before I did. What I did not understand was his character is damaged. I could not fix that, and he was not willing to do the work. The evidence for that was present all along...I just refused to believe it.

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 7979604
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lieshurt ( member #14003) posted at 1:13 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I have never regretted my choice to divorce. Had I been wiser, I would have divorced much sooner though.

No one changes unless they want to. Not if you beg them. Not if you shame them. Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love. There is only one thing that makes someone change: their own realization that they need to.

posts: 22643   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2007   ·   location: Houston
id 7979638
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devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 2:10 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

As I recall, and from talking to other divorced folks, there is often some regret around the time of the divorce that fades later.

During the M the spouse is revealing their true colors. As a devoted spouse ourselves we often try to change a bit or accept. We become different than we were when we were single -but- it often happens so slowly that we don't really notice.

Then, D happens. Since we've been putting so much into trying to work on things and stay married we see all of our hard work evaporate. So, of course we're down about it. Sad, etc.

As we get used to being single again and we realize what was going on those feelings fade. Sometimes we see that while it is happening, sometimes not. What is usually true is that life is wonderful again and so as time being single goes on we regret the D less and less until we're finally all, "Fuck yeah!" and "This singlehood is _awesome_"!

Then we work on ourselves a bit and start dating again.

Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.

posts: 5155   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Central USA
id 7979682
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h0peless ( member #36697) posted at 2:35 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I waited four months before I filed, and while I may have prolonged the worst of my pain for a little while, I wasn't in a place where I was ready to do it yet. I don't regret the wait.

posts: 3136   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2012   ·   location: Baja Arizona
id 7979704
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Jls0320 ( member #41192) posted at 3:24 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I gave my ex almost a year to come to his senses, found out he was still seeing her and then filed. I regret not doing it sooner and wasting more time, causing myself more pain, yet I can say I tried everything to save our marriage

Me: BS 2 young kiddos
Him: EXWH, SA/NPD, Craigslist, porn, cam sites. EA/PA with disgusting co-worker troll
Too many DDays 9/13-1/15, too many chances to be a good man
Together 16 yrs, married 7yrs,
Divorced 2/11/15
I deserve to be the ONLY one

posts: 1960   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2013
id 7979743
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BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 3:28 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I was married for 18 years and four days on DDAy. I was completely unprepared to D. My EX said he wanted to R, but would not do *the work* so when I discovered 13 months later that he was continuing to lie to me about breaking NC repeatedly, I was dunzo. I did not regret trying to R, we have three kids together and I still loved him, but I definitely do not for a second regret getting a divorce. Like many others, I wish I had divorced him long before the A because the emotional issues he had that led to the A in the first place, plagued our marriage throughout.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3432   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 7979748
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 3:43 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I waited a month to file (so not long in the grand scheme of things) but wish I would have done it immediately. Waiting only delays healing, and my life is so incredible right now. I only wish I could have seen what life would be like without him and I would have divorced him immediately (or possibly before I knew about the cheating had I recognized his emotional abuse)

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 7979766
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Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 5:38 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I had regrets about my decision to rug-sweep the first D-Day and then after the second one I had a myriad of regrets; too many to write about.

I lived with 'what-ifs' for over two years after D-Day #2 until the day I came to the epiphany that this wasn't how I wanted to live. Now, after going through all of the stages of denial, pain, and regret, I can say that I'm okay with my choices. They could have been better, but they could have been worse.

Thankfully I didn't allow regret to permeate my life and ruin it. I came to a fork in the road and decided to change coarse and live free from the past and by default became optimistic at the future. It was close though. Whew! And not something that I ever want to do again!

That's why I'm here. I'm hoping that my minuscule contributions might help other BS's avoid the long path that I traveled.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1802   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 7979898
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kpstartingover ( member #47854) posted at 6:38 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

After d-day I was willing to try to make things work but when I found out 3 months later that they'd been in contact the whole time, I kicked him out and filed ASAP. My IC and a lot of other people advised me after D-day to wait a year before making any big decisions, but that was soooo not the right advice.

I did everything I could and I think I d'ed him at the exact right time. Zero regrets.

posts: 744   ·   registered: May. 12th, 2015
id 7979967
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 mighost (original poster member #56616) posted at 7:32 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

@kpstartingover Your IC and other advises are utter BS.Infact waiting 2 months is too much let alone a year..The Waiting advice should be only for the BS's having WS's who ready to do anything to save the relationship unconditionally..

posts: 50   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2016
id 7980011
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Pass ( member #38122) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I spent three months as the one-man reconciliation team, while she continued doing whatever the hell she wanted. It was a long, nasty three months, but I was able to walk away with no worries about whether I could have saved the marriage.

My life is SO much better than it was in the 20 years of shit and abuse I spent with her. I deeply regret that I don't see my kids every day, but that's a result of me choosing the wrong woman to be their mother. My kids and I are making the best of it.

Divorced the cheater and living my best life now.

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous.

posts: 3785   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2013   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 7980013
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kpstartingover ( member #47854) posted at 7:48 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

The Waiting advice should be only for the BS's having WS's who ready to do anything to save the relationship unconditionally..

In an ideal world, I agree. In almost every circumstance (with situations where the BS's life could be threatened by making a sudden move being an exception) I think shock-and-awe by filing immediately is the way to go. You can always call it off or even get back together later but in my experience there's rarely a downside to moving quickly.

However, it's tough to do so when you're emotionally ravaged and barely have the energy to get out of bed, which is where I was for several weeks. I physically could not have made the process go much faster.

posts: 744   ·   registered: May. 12th, 2015
id 7980024
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Newlease ( member #7767) posted at 9:37 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I regret the way I handled the news of Dday - I did EVERYTHING wrong. I tried to love him back. I took every criticism he leveled at me and tried to fix ME to make him love me again. I played the pick me dance all the way up to the day he filed for D.

I didn't implement the 180 until after the D was final.

I do NOT regret the D. I tried the best I could to make our 24 year marriage work again. And I say again because it was a good marriage up until the time he decided to cheat. He is the one who gave up to chase a fantasy.

It has been 12 years since the D was final and I am very happy with my life. I've had some bumps as every life does - married or not, but things a really good now.

NL

Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

posts: 8471   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2005
id 7980141
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ADryHeat ( member #46484) posted at 10:21 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

It was 8 months between dday 1 and when I called it.

I do not for ONE second regret divorcing him.

I also don't regret marrying him. We had so much life together and grew up in that relationship, and the lessons are still coming to me, two years later.

I'm not sure why I tried to R. Fear, maybe? I'd say it was for the kids, but I an a staunch believer that living IN a broken family is far worse for kids than coming from a broken home where the adults move on and get healthy emotionally.

I've never really articulated this before, but I think a LOT of why I stayed was because I needed to face it and not rug sweep, and I knew in my heart if I D him immediately I'd never get any closure. I needed it. I needed to go to MC and get the truth and hash it out and I needed him to see what his actions did to me. It was awful, but it was part of my healing process. If I'd walked away on day 1, I honestly believe I'd still be struggling. Instead, I'm almost three years from dday and almost two years D, and I'm at peace. I got my closure. I didn't allow him to destroy us and walk away without the closure I needed. So I have no regrets.

Me: BSMarried 11 years, 2 young kidsDDay 11/3/14, Discovered he was still a fuckwit: 7/10/15 DIVORCED 11/12/2015"Sometimes when you're in a dark place you think you've been buried, but actually you've been planted."

posts: 2396   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2015   ·   location: AZ
id 7980168
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Nycountrystrong ( member #53531) posted at 11:19 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

I regret giving my STBXWW the opportunity to betray and lie to me again. on d-day we had been together for 17 years. I tried again for that fact and to try and keep our children's family intact.

It was all false R though. She went underground is all, never truly stopping her actions, just laying low for awhile. 5 years later we are getting divorced.

I regret the additional time lost to an unremorseful spouse. Her actions have further damaged our kids. I wish I had just took them and walked away all those years ago now.

The more people I meet the more I like my dogs !

posts: 679   ·   registered: Jun. 6th, 2016   ·   location: Ny
id 7980217
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Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 6:48 AM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2017

No regrets divorcing him. He really left me with no choice for my own well-being. I am not sorry I stuck it out for as long as I did (four years) because I had my reasons for doing so, and we were not openly fighting so it wasn't a toxic environment for the kids, but I could not have gone on much longer. It was killing my soul with each passing day.

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 9059   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 7980483
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wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 7:25 AM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2017

My only regret is I didn't leave after the first d day and waited 6 more years before pulling the plug.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

posts: 16592   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Somewhere
id 7980494
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dancingmom66 ( member #52372) posted at 1:27 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2017

After D day, I offered reconciliation. When the full truth was revealed soon after I decided to divorce. Too many women over too many years and I had no clue. No regrets.

D-day 3/18/16
Divorce was final 10/6/16

posts: 138   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: mn
id 7981230
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