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Single OW

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LaniKai posted 2/12/2018 12:44 PM

In my case my WH told the OW he was married. She didn't care. She kept telling him she didn't want to the the OW but she kept contacting him. Even after the several NC messages!

TheCaterpillar posted 2/12/2018 13:00 PM

In her own words...(she wrote an article online which I found over a year after the A ended).
I hope this isn't painful for you to read but you wanted to know what the OW was thinking and this is straight from the horse's mouth (I'll refrain from rewording that old saying). This is what she wrote to complete strangers (obvs she will have tried to convey herself in the best light possible).

*THIS MIGHT TRIGGER* I'm copy and pasting without reading this. It seemed relevent to the thread. I can't read it through in it's entirity. It was several years ago now and we're in a 2nd R. I can't make myself delete it though. I need to remember that awful things did happen. I need to keep myself on guard. WHen my guard can fully drop, then I'll be able to delete.

"I met him at work. At first he was very unattractive to me. Not unattractive, but to me he was. He was arrogant and snide. He made inappropriate jokes and everyone thought he was the office ***, so I judged him based off of the opinions of others.

Then it happened...We started talking privately over text and having private conversations in the office or at office nights out (which happened 2x a week). I started to see the real him. The facade he held up in the office was failing for me. I could see right through it. We began to connect on a deeper level. One night, out celebrating, I had way too much to drink and so did the man I was with. Bad things happened and I just wanted to get away from this man, so I called my new found friend. He was there within minutes and helped me in my darkest hour. He was my knight in shining armor. I knew by now that he was married, but his wife was still in England preparing her move to the states about 3 weeks away. The next day, this guy took me to a house he was house sitting, and all we did the whole day was watch stupid romantic films and cheesy Christmas films until the sun went down. I had no makeup on, I was exhausted from the night before's events, and I kept falling asleep on the couch with my legs over his lap. I remember waking up, in and out of sleep, to him holding my hand, gently rubbing my hand with his thumb, or him tickling my legs with his soft fingers.

I was entirely too exhausted to drive home (45 min away) and so he offered me the bed and he would take the couch. He laid there with me until I fell asleep to him telling me stories of England. I remember how fond his memories were and how his voice quieted as if he his mind was back in England. I woke up the next morning to him still laying next to me, unmoved with his hand still on my face from he caressing me to sleep. I remember thinking to myself then, Gosh, I love this man. I remember wanting to kiss him and I remember wishing so badly that he wasn't married. That this other woman hadn't met him first.

The next night, I went to his apartment to grill steaks and watch movies. Before I knew it, we weren't even paying attention to the film, as we were more involved making out on the couch. It was like high school all over again. We just made out for half an hour feeling each other up. It was hot. So I stood up and led him to his bed and it all went downhill from there. I fell for him, and hard. He told me he had fallen too. That as soon as his wife came, he was going to ask for a divorce. That he was so in love with me and didn't want anyone else. The next few weeks were heaven on earth and the sexiest few weeks of my life. Candlelit dinners, expensive late night dates, spending all day and all night together, and talking about anything and everything. It came so easy with us: conversation. We could talk for hours about nothing and it was still fun. We understood each other on a level I have never known existed.

And then his wife came. And she was the sweetest woman I had ever met. She was such a homemaker and so pretty and so genuine. Since him and I worked together, I saw her a lot, and was at their apartment often. We actually became friends. So much so that we got each other Christmas presents. I started seeing less of him mainly because I was so conflicted on what to do now. But also, because he was spending time with is wife. Bringing up divorce was taboo to him, and talking about our love for each other was even worse. We started just meeting up for sex. It became awkward and weird. We had our moments. When his wife would stay at his sisters and we had all day together it was like she wasn't even in the picture. We had such intimate romantic sex, I became even more confused.

We had a code word we would say to each other when she was around or after an argument that was reminder of how much we loved each other, no matter what. Whenever I would bring his wife or divorce, he would use the word.

One morning I woke up to a text saying "She knows, lay low, if she contacts you, don't respond, I will fix this. Dont even respond."

In order to not make you sit there all day trying to finish reading this I will sum it up. He "needs time and space to figure it out" yet he texts me everyday to ask how I am. He says he loves me and uses our word yet won't explain his feelings. He says his wife may want a divorce yet is keeping me in the dark. Of course I know I am the other woman and their relationship is none of my business but how am I supposed to just sit here and wait. I know I sound crazy for saying this but I am still so in love with this man. He understands me and knows me more than anyone I 've ever known and vice versa. He is the love of my life yet I don't know what to do. What would you do in my shoes?"

hobort posted 2/12/2018 15:21 PM

I have a friend of a friend who was an OW for a period of a few months. She was having real difficulty dating and was lonely and suffering from self-esteem issues. I guess her A helped with the loneliness but I can't imagine it had any lasting effect on her self esteem. I think she ended it and is now back to square one with some added baggage. It's not something I care to ever talk to her about given I'm a BS and find myself rooting for justice to be served up royally to APs. I was also unaware of it until it was over.

[This message edited by hobort at 3:22 PM, February 12th (Monday)]

MissCCD posted 3/8/2018 17:03 PM

The OW was someone WH dated before me. She only had 2 other relationships and they “cheated” on her. She knew when we got married and had our first child. She pretended to be my friend and even told me “congratulations, I’m so jealous” when I had our son. Tbh, she had a lot of Mommy/Daddy issues. When I confronted her, she told me about how her mom always told her she wasn’t good enough and blah blah blah. She’s 36, 2 years older than me, and is now freaking out because she has no husband or kids. So I’m essence she wanted my life. Tried to convince WH that he could coparent and she would be a great step-mom. But I’m the end, like most A, it ended and he came back to me. This broke her. She keeps trying to contact me as to why he left her and if there is a chance we all could be friends. Oh and how she will never heal from this betrayal. I’m the one that was betrayed boo boo, not you. But I’ve bid her good riddance and we are moving on with our lives.

Angelvictorious posted 3/8/2018 17:45 PM

I don't see a shred of difference between a single or married OW. If they know the man they are carrying on with is married/in a relationship then what is the difference? They step into another woman's most personal life. End of story, single or not.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 3/8/2018 20:23 PM


[This message edited by Hurtbeyondtime at 8:32 PM, March 8th (Thursday)]

Hurtbeyondtime posted 3/8/2018 20:31 PM

Ok sooo these SOW are the lowest of low. They don’t deserve any pity and they are seriously broken to even be with a married man. They have choices and for them to knowingly continue to have an affair with someone that is taken. Well they are majorly fucked up.
So they are different than married women because if they are Normal they are dating single men. Them looking for married men makes them desesperate and they have nothing in their lives. So they are laser focused on the mm. They want to be the wife. Married OW have kids and a family so they have a different mind set. They don’t necessarily want to be the wife they want to have attention or feel something different. The single OW could do all that with a single guy but chosen a married man. Why ??? Cuz she’s seriously fucked up or if she’s young like my fWH she’s got Daddy issues...
MariaS I’m not sure why you think that they are that innocent. They are still choosing to be with a married man.
Today is even harder being DDAY so this is a bit of a trigger....the sOW actually was chasing my fWH ... she first saw him at the bus stop had a casual conversation. He mentioned where he worked. She was in the same industry so she called her friend who worked at the same company as my husband to find out about him. I am in the same industry as well and we are known as a couple on our field over 20 years then. She had just started working after college so she had noooo fucking clue. Wel she quickly found out he was indeed married. Well it didn’t stop her. She kept meeting up at the bus stop for over a month changing her route to match his. This witch was mantipulative and was very aware of her actions. When she asked my fWH if he was married he said yes. He started talking about his family. We had given him an iPad and he was sketching so she started with the complements and said they were looking for talented people. My husband was looking for a new job her aunt was the HR director. I even remember him telling me about it. Then she gave him her number and well it started. The point is she was manipulative and very deliberate. Yeah he was complicit but still she kept hounding him.
She deserves stop feel 10 times the devestation she caused me. I will never understand or forgive or forget her actions.

smokenfire posted 3/8/2018 20:32 PM

Like any group of humans you throw together and slap a label on, they come in all shapes, sizes, and mind sets.

When I was an unwitting OW, frankly I was young and stupid. 22, out of rehab for less then a year. Some women only date married men because they are terrified of real intimacy. Once (if) he leaves his family, she'll dump him and get another because she doesn't really want a full time relationship.

The variety is probably mind boggling. I've seen (and known) all sorts.

Luna10 posted 3/9/2018 04:50 AM

My WH told her he was married. Apparently at the beginning of the A she asked him if he was happily married and he said yes. Our marriage was fine, obviously there’s always room for improvement but on the whole our marriage was more than fine, it was that marriage that all our friends and family admired and wanted themselves. She didn’t pull back, nor did he. First sex encounter he didn’t get hard. Never happened to us. He explained that it is the stress and guilt. You would believe a person who had some self respect would have got the message and say to him “you obviously love your wife, feel guilty, are not into me that much”. Nope, she pursued to give him a BJ ensuring the act is consumed.

Obviously I am sure my H painted a different picture during the A. He says he did it by eliminating me from his stories. So she’d ask “what did you do at the weekend” and he’d reply “I cut the grass, washed the cars both myself and my wife’s, hoovered the house, did the food shop, took the little one to the park”. When you hear this you would believe my H was the most dedicated H and I was a lazy cow. But obviously that’s not the case. I would clean three bathrooms, dust the whole house, clean everything so he can hoover, do the clothes washing, cook, supervise Music practice, homework all this between also organising some fun stuff for us.

She was cheated on and left for her WH’s AP. She probably has this image of “if you cheat you have to be unhappy and the man will leave for the AP”. She tried to replicate that with her on the “winning” side this time.

If you read my thread “my new level of crazy” you’ll see she has no morals and values and sadly no self respect. She posted on SM in the past how happy she is, this is when WH kept in contact and was offering her crumbs, friendship, she wasn’t allow to email him, phone him, go outside the office or anything. She got him a christmas present, he got her nothing. Since DDay 2 besides attacking me on SM she also states how happy and lucky she is having friends and family. Completely contradictory behaviour, if you’re so happy why would you post sex dates with my H on Sm?

I sometimes feel sad for her. While she doesn’t realise why, her life must be so empty and lonely. I guess if she’d stop going after married men and find a single one willing to appreciate her and giving her his all she’d be happy. But she doesn’t see that she is the person responsible for her life being so empty. She lives in fantasy world and still has a delusional attitude towards life.

BeanLaidir posted 3/9/2018 12:29 PM

What kind of women are they?
In my case, the OW is needy and lonely. I never got the full story of who pursued who, but I do know that my WH followed the cheater script and lied that he was separated or divorced and she, being needy and desperate, fell for that. I'm sure she saw plenty of red flags in his story, but ignored them because it suited her to.

My WH told me an awful lot about her, how much of it is true I don't know. Her father died last year and she was devastated by that. She is an only child of immigrant parents. She had a dog who died last year also. She used to be a barmaid but is now a nurse or nurse's aide. She smokes and now WH smokes too (that's true love for ya!). She is very close to her mother and calls her several times a day. What any of that says about her I don't know.
What does say something about her is that she was made very aware of my existence three months into the A and she continued her relationship with my WH. In fact I would say at that point that she became determined to "fight for him". She continued constant contact when he was here with me, checking up on him, how he was feeling, did he miss her, was he lonely, etc. Of course he missed her...he had made a hell for himself at home with his wife and the idea of her waiting lovingly to soothe his bruised and battered ego was more than he could resist. So certainly at that point, she changed from possible naive participant to active co-conspirator of the destruction of our marriage.

What's wrong with them?
Everything that's wrong with the WH probably. Selfishness, greed, entitlement, poor coping skills, lack of boundaries and did I mention selfishness? Look, I loved my WH, flawed, imperfect, middle-aged as he was. I grew up with him and got the best of his youth and vigor. I had the benefit of remembering our glorious youth, our joy in each other, at becoming parents, in watching our family grow and thrive. As we headed towards the half century age, I gave him kudos for being not just the older man he is now, but the package of the young attractive man he had been to me since the beginning. I didn't see the gray hair, the lines on his face, the wrinkles appearing, the slowing down in bed, I saw him as a package of who he was, who he is and who he would be as we grew old together. The OW didn't get any of that, all she got was a stressed, middle-aged man with a wife and children he had abandoned and all the horrendous baggage that comes with that. Of course they are trying to recreate that youthful man together with beach vacations, clubbing and pretend married bliss, but she must be terribly flawed or damaged or desperate to settle for the package he presents now, without any of his best years and only his old age to come. Who in their right mind would think a washed-up married man whose career is in tatters, who has run away from his wife and has cut off all contact with his own children is attractive except someone just as dysfunctional?

Do they have no morals?
Ehh, no they don't. Once the OW knew that my WH was married and was never separated then she could never lay claim to having morals. She was contacted by email in her native language by someone who told her the truth of WH's life, what effect this was having on his children, his family and his career. She was asked to end her affair and stop her behavior. She knew enough at that point to understand that the relationship she had started with my WH was illegitimate and if she had a moral compass she would have ended it until he had extricated himself from his marriage. Because she thought he wouldn't do that, she redoubled her efforts to establish their relationship, and because he is such a wimp and a coward, he took the easy route to the relationship which allows him to avoid his demons. So the two of them cling on to their delusion that this is a great love story, against all the odds, across the oceans and in the face of resistance from mean and jealous forces wanting to pull them asunder. They may well keep this up for years, desperate people have a strength in their desperation far beyond what normal psychologically healthy humans can reach.

Edited to add: I have only just copped on that this thread is in the Reconciliation forum. Clearly I am not in R! I hope the answers about what types of women OW's are still stands though.

[This message edited by BeanLaidir at 12:57 PM, March 9th (Friday)]

Angelvictorious posted 3/9/2018 21:22 PM

Luna10 you wrote almost word for word my ws story in your first paragraph, only his ow was married.
This is why I see not one difference between the two.
She as a Mow initiated to meet up and once they did she was told about me, kids, he was fairly happy etc much what you said. We had trouble getting rid of her after NC on dday, we are both still being harassed almost monthly by entail or post. and yes she's still married as far as I can work out. She told him she was going to leave her H. We think hoping ws would leave me. She overestimated what he thought of her and wanted.

[This message edited by Angelvictorious at 9:23 PM, March 9th (Friday)]

Luna10 posted 3/10/2018 11:51 AM

Angelvictorious- that is crazy, the ow in your case still harassing you when she is still married. I guess the difference that blows my mind is, why would a single woman accept crumbs from a married man? I mean mine was so crap at it that in 5 months active affair and 4 months continued contact she only got one day he booked off to spend with her. And calculating the time in the evening only (seeing that I thought he was at work) he spent 5 hours from his family time with her. So why would a single woman wait for a married man, no matter how much crap he told her about how unhappy he was in his marriage, when the signs were all there: she asked for more time together, he was not willing to give it to her.

She was shocked that we spent all our weekends together, how would a single woman convince herself that he was unhappy when my WH never wanted to see her in the evenings, at the weekends and he was spending all that time with me? What did she think, that I am forcing him? How stupid can you be to believe that a man who is so unhappy in his marriage is still spending every sencond of his spare time with his wife and never makes an effort to be with you, the “love of his life”. And he could have invented so many excuses to be with her, I guess that’s something that makes me feel a bit better, I remember telling him “you don’t have to come with us to X lesson for the little one, stay home and rest” and he will refuse saying he wants to be with me. She knew all that...

How delusional can you be to still believe you’re “the one” when the proof says otherwise?

swmnbc posted 3/10/2018 12:49 PM

I would wager that in most cases, the OW falls in the lower half of the population when it comes to self-esteem, self-awareness, resiliency, etc.

A whole lot of people are not as considerate as they should be. They text while driving. They go to work when they have the flu. I think having an affair with a married person is this sort of behavior indicative of selfishness and entitlement and cluelessness. Though in many cases it may be more a failure to know how to make good choices rather than an outright rejection of morality. You've never seen good relationships, you suffered childhood trauma, you don't have a strong foundation, and you feel like you've missed the boat to land a good man in your youth. So you convince yourself that this married guy is a catch and the only reason he's not with you is because his wicked wife keeps him trapped.

I've read the OW forums. There is a huge focus on the BW and need to blame her. There's a lot of anger when the BW does normal things that a wife does . . . it's all interpreted as an attack on the OW. Ah, the irony. There's also a lot of heartache and confusion. I've only read one or two stories out of dozens that seemed to be an empowered woman without self-esteem issues.

Look, I believe in going back into a store and paying for merchandise you accidentally missed at the bottom of the cart. I don't believe in pretending your address is different to get your kid into a better school or pay less tax. I don't believe in exposing people to germs just because it's more convenient for you. So that's what I can't get about cheaters, my husband included. Our MC said that I am the north star of morality in our relationship, and that's fine. I'm more rigid than most people and I'd probably be like that in any relationship. I just don't understand how he could have paired up with someone who said up was down and wrong was right and bought into that. I believed he knew better. Does OW know better? IDK. I hope she does by now.

I remember in the days following DDay that my husband said OW didn't want to be a mistress. I said, well, she has a funny way of showing it! I know how not to be a mistress . . . don't be one. But I suppose that if you're mid to late 30s, as she is, that you just throw it all out the window and decide, OK, maybe this is how I find my happiness. It's not ideal, but if it works out in the end, it'll be worth it. I'm just offering him happiness that he's obviously lacking in his marriage. You justify it, and what the MM allows you to see about the marriage surely feeds that narrative.

At the end of the day, I want to be compassionate. If I grew up with less emotional support, if I couldn't find a mate and everyone else my age had settled down, and so on and so forth, would I justify something that I can't currently imagine justifying? Maybe. So I accept that this experience taught me, and I move forward.

Emotionalhell posted 3/11/2018 08:23 AM

My WS was the single OM, for YEARS before he pursued me. I think he was lonely and that they both convinced themselves that as long as she went home to her family that everything was ok. And of course she had 2 men dotting over her all the time. She had extra $ and sex on the side. I think a lot of OM/OW are lonely and may not want the responsibility of a committed relationship. The single person can still enjoy many aspects of single life while getting there needs met. Whatever that is. Some how they justify this in there mind.
My WS would say I would never disrespect a marriage. I really liked you but I didn’t pursue you many years before because you were married when I started to suspect he was deep in with married whore and screwing her. He would say we are working.
So somehow he thought the relationship was professional because it did involve some work.

psychmom posted 3/11/2018 08:40 AM

I am happy to report that SOW2 was "devastated" when her married bf (aka my husband) dumped her on Dday to try to work things out at home. Today she is 50, still single, childless, lonely and renting out rooms in her house to pay the bills and fight back the demons likely reminding her that her stupid choices are why she's as sad, lonely, and pathetic as she is. I'm also certain there's a good chance she'd take back my H if he came begging, because she has no other options or choices based on who and what she is.

beatmyheart posted 3/11/2018 13:16 PM

They are self-centered and selfish. Yes they have no morals.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 3/12/2018 09:38 AM

You are right on target here... they are single and can date all the single guys out there yet they hone in on the married ones. And I bet it’s a habit.
They want what they cannot have and see themselves in place of the wife.
They don’t know how to be in a normal relationship. The sOw told my fWH she had been the ow many times and she was just 25... where are their morals??

this is why single OW are even more vicious and conniving. They have chosen to be a mistress. The MOW has a marriage and the dynamics are very different . They have a husband and children and a household and their reasons iwhy they chose to cheat on their spouse. She too is broken like other waywards but the single OW has no spouse so their focus is on getting herself into the marriage and destroying the wife at all costs. At least that was my fWH sOW. Extremely delusional
I am tired of people playing the age card.. being young has nothing to do with having morals. I was barely 21 when I found out a guy I had gone out on a date with had a girlfriend in another country. I thanked him for the dinner and said I told him I found out he had a girlfriend.. he’s started backpedaling then I informed him that I don’t date people in a relationship and he should be ashamed and that I hate liars.
Exit ... mic drop ...
It’s about boundaries and you either have them or you don’t. Age has nothing to do with doing the Right thing.

beauchateaux posted 3/12/2018 10:25 AM

I don't think single OW who claim to be in love with the married man feel they have no morals. They just look at the whole thing as hugely romantic and fated because they feel that if a man is willing to risk his wife and family to be with her, it must be real. It MUST be love.

She is special. It was meant to be. Just look at the article posted above by TheCaterpillar. This is textbook.

They look at the marriage as having been a mistake - a wrong turn in his life, which was clearly always going to lead him to her eventaully. Meeting the wife first wasn't supposed to happen, they should never have been married, etc. "He thought he was happy, but it was only when he met ME that he realized what love really feels like..." etc.

Either they hate the wife, who is every bad thing in the book as others have said - frigid, nagging, hateful, unloving - or they know she's a 'sweet person' and decide that they pity her because there's nothing to be done, because it's true love and they have no choice but to hurt poor, sweet wife. "The heart wants what the heart wants". This is how they justify themselves.

Then they're devastated when they get summarily dumped because it's like reality slapping them in the face - they compromised their morals for something they thought was bigger than themselves, only to realize that it was all smoke, mirrors and lies. They have to face what they really ARE - a chump, who got used.

I think single OW like this are sort of sad-funny, actually - they believe all the crap they're spoon-fed because they're single. They have NO idea what marriage is like, and yet they postulate about it and offer their sage 'advice' to the MM about his marriage and his wife, how things 'should' be and everything that's wrong with the marriage, what marriage should really look like, thinking they're judging from on high, that they are seeing things clearly through the sparkling wonderment of their 'real' relationship with MM and the wife is a poor sod who has no idea about anything, including her own marriage. She is not enlightened like OW, she has never experienced the sort of love that OW has with her husband. And his kids will be better off with a real example of how a loving relationship should be, so in the end, the divorce will be good for them, too. Instead of having to witness the trash-fire that OW has been convinced his marriage with their mother is.

And then when they get thrown out like trash as 'their' MM, their 'soulmate' gets caught and starts trying desperately to cling to his wife and his family, they just end up looking naive and stupid. And they KNOW it, in the end, and that's why they go off the rails and wail and howl and cry and go insane - because they KNOW, now.

No, the wife wasn't the chump. She was never the chump. OW was, all along. They weren't 'winning', really, because the wife wasn't in contention. She had no idea. When she enters the arena, OW gets TKOed. Ouch.

It's infuriating, it wrecks lives...but on some philosophical, impersonal level, it's hilarious, really. Lol.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 10:26 AM, March 12th (Monday)]

Hurtbeyondtime posted 3/12/2018 12:05 PM

Sorry I don’t think they are that nieve... you are romantic about someone you can spend your live with... ie a single available man/woman not someone that is already married.
This justification that you propose is Wayward thinking 101... they think they are special “unicorn“ creatures that understand the married man better than their wives. This is utter bull$hit and completely unacceptable and part of what makes them broken just like a wayward.
Selfish selfish selfish behavior that is all about what they need without thinking about the consequences or destruction they have caused to the wife or children who are completely innocent here.
She could have stepped away or even better yet not gotten involved with a married man.

And do you really expect anyone to pity them because they cannot logically think before spreading their legs... this is just a ploy because they know it’s wrong but wrap it up in “its lurv”
And yes they have No Morals ... and will continue to be the $luts that they are because the married men know exactly what they are!! Stupid low self esteem you know .

[This message edited by Hurtbeyondtime at 12:11 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

Luna10 posted 3/12/2018 12:26 PM

Oh the ow in my case still seems to believe that she had true “lurveeee” with my WH, that what they experienced must be above everything else on Earth. She posted a quote last week saying “the definition of stupid: knowing the truth, seeing the truth but still believing the lies”. What I find amusing (if this wouldn’t actually be my life she’s invaded) is that she isn’t realising she’s describing herself. 5 months of actual affair when, as I said above, she was getting crumbs followed by 4 months of “just friends” where, as BeauC was saying above, she was explaining to my WH that he is in a toxic marriage (turned toxic by my WH and her) and the kids would be happier when we divorce, this while my WH was telling her he is working on his marriage and she should move on.

So who exactly is stupid?

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