"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Angelvictorious posted 3/7/2018 23:10 PM

I made him sad when I said I do still love him but it's different now. I tried to explain but probably made it worse.
It's hard to explain but that innocent love where trust lives has gone. The love where you're really proud of your relationship lasting so long because your an untouched couple gone. It makes me sad too. He says he's so in love again, just like he was before with me. He has explained that the A was a huge wake up call, the thought of loosing me was so bad, like a near death experience it made him re evaluate his life and priorities. I am number one now. That's all great and makes me feel good but I cant change how I feel about him/us now. I just feel that he broke something that can't be put back the same ever. He can feel the same love for me because there has been no damaged caused to him by me. He never has to think of me having sex with another man etc.
Not sure if there was a purpose to my post but just throwing it out there, feeling a bit down about it.

Skyking posted 3/8/2018 00:59 AM

There is a story that says a relationship is like a beautiful piece of mahogany wood. Smooth, rich, beautiful. Each lie, each betrayal, each deception is like pounding a nail into that wood. Each “I’m sorry,”, each step to establish trust, each reconciliation is like removing one of those nails. Eventually all the nails are removed. The relationship is now whole again, but the wood is scarred, full of holes and rough. The relationship is fixed, but it will never be the same.

[This message edited by Skyking at 1:02 AM, March 8th (Thursday)]

destroyed1 posted 3/8/2018 01:00 AM

My "old love" died for my WW. She killed it with her A and all her lies.

Funny thing is, even though she had an A, she always counted on having my love. Heck, she had it for 30 years. She just sort of expected it would always be there.

Nope, 9 months in I got a major load of TT and when I woke the next day, total darkness was inside my heart.

No more old love existed for her. It was completely gone, much to even my surprise.

After a few days love did return for my W. But this is a new love. Not as strong. A love that can never trust is always going to be weak.

It's different, but at least it's still there. It's something my W and I can work with. Hopefully one day this new love will become stronger.

I really miss that old love. I miss it alot. I honestly wonder if this new love will be enough to meet my needs.

My W is horrified that she lost the one thing she always thought would be there. The one thing she always counted on. The one thing she took for granted for many years.

She killed it......

Mindjob posted 3/8/2018 02:15 AM

I don't think you can "make it worse" with this statement. The only thing that can "make it worse" is trying to pretend you are where you used to be. To live in denial.

Your words are the same ones I have used. I'm changed. It can never be what it was. It's still love, but it's not special anymore.

It's sad, yes. It will always be sad. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. I understand those former waywards who have a greater appreciation for what they almost lost but get to keep. Those of us who are on the other side of that equation -- well, we get stuck learning how to live in the new reality of what we lost, and learning how to appreciate what is good in a way that we never wanted to.

gmc94 posted 3/8/2018 02:25 AM

My heart breaks for all of us.

Angelvictorious - your reference to "untouched" couple is so spot-on, IMHO. After nearly 24 years since "I do", I thought I had the strongest marriage around; that we were an invincible team; that nothing could tear us apart. Simply heartbreaking to discover that HE could tear us apart - and he did. Even if R is successful, the best we have is a marriage stitched back together - but never untouched; never untorn. It's all so awful.

Skyking - your analogy is beautiful. I want to send it to my WH, who I don't think realizes that there is no wood putty that can fill the holes where those nails were - those holes will be with us for the rest of our lives.

Destroyed1 - I'm so sorry, and I feel I'm going through same thing (tho, at least so far [knock wood] without the dose of TT). It's like the scene in "Love Actually" when Emma Thompson says "would you stay, knowing life will always be a little bit worse?"

I feel my prior love and marriage -and life - are all gone; my husband killed it all. I grieve for it every day; and wonder if that grief ever ends.

Yes, I still "love" my WH, but it is NOT the same. Right now, I look at him with pity - that's not the same as love.

I adored my husband - since the day we first met; I adored his intellect, his humor, his weird quirks, like the deeply attentive stare when he would read the paper, or finding coupons for his dry cleaning. I adored watching him work, or cook, the way he folds laundry,or pulls his hand way back after every 'click' on his tablet, or licks a spoon in the kitchen, the face he makes when he mows the lawn.
I loved listening to him (one of my favorite things was putting my head on his chest and him telling me some historical story [he was a history major] while feeling the vibrato of his voice. I loved the way he hugged me and could crack my back, or the way he would call me his "wifey". How he'd get a little twinkle in his eye when he was sick and I'd chastize him for not calling his doctor. How he wiggles his feet when putting on his shoes, or how funny he'd look wearing underwear & socks while ironing a shirt. Just all of the little things we learn about and see in another person we've lived with and loved for more than 25 years.

Now, it feels like everything I loved about him is tainted with the affair. Tainted by lies for a decade (or more). Tainted by deceit and compartmentalization and justification and rationalization. He was my one "true" love; but that's gone now too. He will be my longest love, my married love, but not my "true" love anymore. And I know myself well enough to know, that I may be able to forgive, and to reconcile, but I will never adore him the way I did before I learned of his 9-yr+ LTA. That hurts.

Godspeed for all of us.

strugglebus posted 3/8/2018 09:34 AM

My love will never be the same. But like the art of kintsugi, the repair can make it more beautiful than it was. At least that's the hope. He dropped the vase and it broke apart but with gold lacquer to repair it, it can be gorgeous again.

Everychance posted 3/8/2018 10:47 AM

We are all surviving infidelity because there is no other choice. Each post gives hope and help to others but the reality is none of us will ever be the same again in our relationships. I love the analogies here they are amazing, I feel like I'm on a jetty stepping into a small boat with one foot in and one foot on land, it's a strange feeling. I had three DDays the first two EAs then a PA and made the choice to R thinking the decision was the hardest part - six months later I'm realising my love has changed so much, it's so cautious. I loved my WH with all my heart and gave 150% for 25 years but now I cherish the friendship and hope there will be a day I love him again. Yes love is very different after the A but love and happiness is a journey not a destination.

mlav69 posted 3/8/2018 13:47 PM

Love certainly is different for me now. I still love my WH, but it's nowhere near like it used to be. I think it's mostly because I lost so much respect for him. It's also because of the love he has for me NOW, if that makes sense. It seems so, I don't know, hypocritical or something. He demonized, criticized, neglected and treated me so cruelly throughout his LTA. But now...NOW, I'm the most wonderful person to ever walk this Earth, he is so lucky to have me, I make him a better man, and he's just so blissfully in love with me. He may truly feel those things, but I have trouble believing them. What if it's not real? Therefore, my love for him is different. It's a more "reserved" love - I can't gush over him like I used to, I don't get butterflies when I see him anymore, he's no longer my KISA. He always says ILY first, never me. I can't bring myself to freely and openly love him because I couldn't survive ever being hurt like that again. I'm working on it in IC. I hope I can get to the bliss he feels someday.

OneLittleVictory posted 3/8/2018 15:50 PM

If it makes him "sad" that your love is different now, that's his tough shit, in my opinion. He should have thought of that before he cheated. He should count his blessings that you love him at all.

I will not say it to my wife and I don't think I even love her at all. I haven't said it to her in many months.

Of course everything you say is correct. It can never be the same again.

Angelvictorious posted 3/8/2018 16:48 PM

Thank you all so much for the replies. I love the wood and vase analogy. Its comforting to read others perspective on love after A.
I keep coming back to this "love is different" thought and have to admit that I find it hard to accept that we are different now. I want that feeling that no one touched us, it was only us for 25+ years, safe, but it's gone and as much as he wishes he could fix it, he cant.
gmc94
I feel my prior love and marriage -and life - are all gone; my husband killed it all. I grieve for it every day; and wonder if that grief ever ends.
This is definitely what it feels like. Even though on the outside all looks well and the same, it's not. That is what I am still coming to terms with. I'm sure one day the heavy load of grief will pass but it will always make us sad to think that significant bond was broken, the untouched part of us will never be again. That will always be sad whether it is today or 20 years from now.

crazyblindsided posted 3/8/2018 16:56 PM

With every broken NC I discovered broke my heart a little more each time until my final death blow False R. I don't think people come back from these things. It's a high price they paid for their ego.

Angelvictorious posted 3/8/2018 17:10 PM

crazyblindsided, I am lucky in that he never sought to break nc he was happy to see the back of her. He said once he was almost relieved to be caught because he didn't know how to get rid of her. He started telling her not to visit but she didn't get it.
TT has been bad for me, I had three such occasions where he should have been upfront but in saying that one of them might have caused the end of us right then and there (about 6 month in) because it was what I thought would be a deal breaker(no protection). I still fume when I think of this.

Flatlined123 posted 3/8/2018 17:57 PM

I think you nailed it right on the head. I think you gave me the answer I didn’t know I already had. H wants to renew our vows next year on our 30th anniversary. I just can’t bring myself to get excited about it. I didn’t know why, but I think this is it. I don’t have that same love that I had for him when we got married and without that I don’t think I can say those vows again.

It makes me so sad. I wear a replacement wedding ring that has no meaning because there’s no vows to go with it. I have a marriage that really is a marriage anymore because it was destroyed and now it’s just a relationship.

So, sadly you gave me the answer I didn’t know I needed And now I don’t know what to do with it. I grieve every day for the marriage we had, the relationship we had, the trust and the innocent love. This has to be like losing a child or spouse unexpectedly, you never get over it. You just learn to deal with it.

Angelvictorious posted 3/8/2018 18:19 PM

Flatlined123, I'm glad you got an answer but I'm sad its not a good one. You say you wear a replacement ring that has no meaning or vows to go with it. Perhaps if you are going ahead with the vow renewal a brand new ring on that day for both of you would be an option. Move the one you currently have to the other hand or put it away as a ring that was like a bridge between the vows. Maybe it will be good for you? but if you really don't want to I would not be going through with it. I would leave it and see if you feel different at 35 years maybe?
ps you don't have to be excited, let him do all the work if he wants it and enjoy the party

Mamacesto posted 3/9/2018 05:47 AM

This is how I feel. I still find myself grieving and longing for the old M. My WH has changed for the good but it's almost unbelievable and it scares me sometimes. He's so different from before the A.

Flatlined -

This has to be like losing a child or spouse unexpectedly, you never get over it. You just learn to deal with it.

I was at IC the other night and my counselor said the only thing worse than infidelity is the loss of a child. So true. I can't imagine anything that could hurt me more besides the loss of a child.

brokenpieces930 posted 3/9/2018 07:16 AM

Hello all.

I am a fWH almost a year in from DD. I rarely post but after reading these responses I felt compelled to respond. It seems that almost every post here portrays a situation similar to where my BS and I are at. We have been married 30+ years, beautiful children, beautiful life, sweethearts for life. In the span of several years I completely lost my way and "killed" our first marriage with horrible, selfishly based decisions in an effort to suppress my pain from a dysfunctional emotional nurture. The way I just wrote that seems to indicate not owning it. Not true. There is no excuse for the darkness I was in. My choices, my hand on the knife that killed my marriage and my life.

I wanted to present a waywards perspective on the hope that lies ahead. Obviously very different for a wayward, who was always aware of the monstrous acts that were destroying a wonderful life with murderous intent. I say murderous because I believe that I was trying to kill myself in a very cowardice way that actually destroyed my wife... honestly not my intent... I have always loved her and hated myself.

My perspective, as a wayward, concerning the hope of new marriage, a new partnership, a new life together is this: I live each day from a new place of freedom that allows me to purely love where I never could before. The incredible injustice for the BS in this comment should be obvious. The WS is the killer, is caught and then somehow, if they are truly broken, gets to live in a new form of peace and freedom, while the BS spends extended periods of time on life-support. The comments I have just read here seem to indicate that most of you are on long-term life support. I am profoundly sorry for that.

My BS is also in this mode. I have put her there. I have been suicidal based on this reality. But, by God's grace, I have not acted on those desperate feelings. I choose each day to love her by staying in that broken place, not in a pathetic sense, but in a freedom sense. I know that my strength is found in being completely aware of the source of my strength. I no longer try to be the smartest guy in the room. My central focus is on understanding the source of love (God), receiving it unconditionally, and then letting it overflow onto my hurting BW. I am so encouraged because the change in my very soul that allows me to purely love her in ways I never imagined brings such hope. I always gave all of me to our marriage and our family. I now realize that the source of my love and effort was tainted by great selfishness because I wanted to be a "successful" husband and father. I did the right things for wrong selfish reasons.

What does this have to do with the context of this forum? I want to encourage all of you that if your WS is remorseful, working on their issues and facing the honestly, than you can embrace a hope for the future that has a love that can potentially exceed what was before. Yes, the former marriage is no longer there, but the potential to have a love that is deeper, richer and more pure is ahead on the journey for those who are brave and embrace the reality of grace and the overcoming power it provides.

I will never again be the husband that my wife misses so desperately. We will always have my infidelity as a part of our story. But it does not have to be the end of the story. I believe that my wife and I will persevere, do the hard work, hold hands and live. I believe that we will live beautiful, full, productive lives and that one day we will again be able to reach out and give of ourselves for the sake of others. Is that 2,3 5 years out? I do not know, but I believe it will be a big part of our story.

Parting words to those who are hurting.... As a WS, a remorseful, working on it WS, I know I will never be again the man that my wife misses so much. But please embrace the fact that there is potentially a love developing, a pure, deep love, that could not have existed with the old man. It is a tragedy that such darkness happened, and it was not necessary, but the pain and the work, coupled with grace, will bring a sweet rain that will water a new and more profound love.

I am sorry that we have caused you all such deep loss and pain. Please find the energy to embrace the love that is now offered to you by your remorseful WS and fight on. The life ahead of us is worth fighting for.

RaindropsTricks posted 3/9/2018 10:23 AM

I was thinking about this yesterday. Was listening to cheesy love songs and realized that I idealized my WH. I thought he was honorable, loyal, had integrity - he really was my Prince on that white horse. That will never come back for me with how I view him. Ever.

sisoon posted 3/9/2018 10:51 AM

My perspective from 7 years out: I remember thinking my love for my W had forever changed and diminished. At this point, it's different for sure, but it's greater than pre-A.

The innocence is gone forever, but memories of innocence remain. More important, I now feel the love that comes with working together to rebuild ... and although it was hard work, some of it was very, very pleasant.

I have a(n) fWW who started on d-day doing the work necessary for recovery and R. People who do not have that are likely to have a different perspective 7 years out. Remember, we have members who honestly say that dumping their WSes was the best thing they did for themselves.

Maybe my point here is that it's one thing to note how you're changing WRT your WS; it's even important to notice that. But healing will go best if you make your goal surviving and thriving. Go for the good life that can be yours, whether the end point of your WS's infidelity is D or R.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:52 AM, March 9th (Friday)]

Deejay523 posted 3/9/2018 15:14 PM

destroyed1,

I really miss that old love. I miss it alot. I honestly wonder if this new love will be enough to meet my needs.

My W is horrified that she lost the one thing she always thought would be there. The one thing she always counted on. The one thing she took for granted for many years.

She killed it......

This just reverse to h

Angelvictorious posted 3/9/2018 17:47 PM

brokenpieces930thank you for your reply, I appreciate it when a ws replies knowing they could get fired at, so thanks. I could see a fair bit of my ws in what you were saying and feeling. I like how you explained your perspective on the new M and analogy of life support and your parting thoughts.

sisoon, Maybe my point here is that it's one thing to note how you're changing WRT your WS; it's even important to notice that. But healing will go best if you make your goal surviving and thriving. Go for the good life that can be yours, whether the end point of your WS's infidelity is D or R.
Your right.
I guess I need to start trying to look more towards the good and different love in the new R relationship, it's there, lots of it but I keep feeling this great loss pulling me back sometimes, I guess I need to give that time to dull.