Hello all.
I am a fWH almost a year in from DD. I rarely post but after reading these responses I felt compelled to respond. It seems that almost every post here portrays a situation similar to where my BS and I are at. We have been married 30+ years, beautiful children, beautiful life, sweethearts for life. In the span of several years I completely lost my way and "killed" our first marriage with horrible, selfishly based decisions in an effort to suppress my pain from a dysfunctional emotional nurture. The way I just wrote that seems to indicate not owning it. Not true. There is no excuse for the darkness I was in. My choices, my hand on the knife that killed my marriage and my life.
I wanted to present a waywards perspective on the hope that lies ahead. Obviously very different for a wayward, who was always aware of the monstrous acts that were destroying a wonderful life with murderous intent. I say murderous because I believe that I was trying to kill myself in a very cowardice way that actually destroyed my wife... honestly not my intent... I have always loved her and hated myself.
My perspective, as a wayward, concerning the hope of new marriage, a new partnership, a new life together is this: I live each day from a new place of freedom that allows me to purely love where I never could before. The incredible injustice for the BS in this comment should be obvious. The WS is the killer, is caught and then somehow, if they are truly broken, gets to live in a new form of peace and freedom, while the BS spends extended periods of time on life-support. The comments I have just read here seem to indicate that most of you are on long-term life support. I am profoundly sorry for that.
My BS is also in this mode. I have put her there. I have been suicidal based on this reality. But, by God's grace, I have not acted on those desperate feelings. I choose each day to love her by staying in that broken place, not in a pathetic sense, but in a freedom sense. I know that my strength is found in being completely aware of the source of my strength. I no longer try to be the smartest guy in the room. My central focus is on understanding the source of love (God), receiving it unconditionally, and then letting it overflow onto my hurting BW. I am so encouraged because the change in my very soul that allows me to purely love her in ways I never imagined brings such hope. I always gave all of me to our marriage and our family. I now realize that the source of my love and effort was tainted by great selfishness because I wanted to be a "successful" husband and father. I did the right things for wrong selfish reasons.
What does this have to do with the context of this forum? I want to encourage all of you that if your WS is remorseful, working on their issues and facing the honestly, than you can embrace a hope for the future that has a love that can potentially exceed what was before. Yes, the former marriage is no longer there, but the potential to have a love that is deeper, richer and more pure is ahead on the journey for those who are brave and embrace the reality of grace and the overcoming power it provides.
I will never again be the husband that my wife misses so desperately. We will always have my infidelity as a part of our story. But it does not have to be the end of the story. I believe that my wife and I will persevere, do the hard work, hold hands and live. I believe that we will live beautiful, full, productive lives and that one day we will again be able to reach out and give of ourselves for the sake of others. Is that 2,3 5 years out? I do not know, but I believe it will be a big part of our story.
Parting words to those who are hurting.... As a WS, a remorseful, working on it WS, I know I will never be again the man that my wife misses so much. But please embrace the fact that there is potentially a love developing, a pure, deep love, that could not have existed with the old man. It is a tragedy that such darkness happened, and it was not necessary, but the pain and the work, coupled with grace, will bring a sweet rain that will water a new and more profound love.
I am sorry that we have caused you all such deep loss and pain. Please find the energy to embrace the love that is now offered to you by your remorseful WS and fight on. The life ahead of us is worth fighting for.