SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

brokendreamer posted 3/26/2018 13:59 PM

I wrote about this on another forum and was directed here, so I will copy and paste my posts as long winded. Please help, thank you.

I have come here in the hope that sharing my dilemma might help me to come to terms with the utter heartbreak and devastation I am feeling right now. This is all so raw and very painful, I'm at rock bottom.
I have been married for 20 years to a man I thought was my soulmate and lifelong partner. Life has not been easy for us and we have had an awful lot to cope with, it took it's toll, but in some ways just made us stronger, or so I thought.
I stood by him through everything and when we lost everything, he stood by me too, though I do suspect in the very early days of our marriage he had a brief fling, but I could never prove it and he vehemently denied it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and since then there have been no other instances that I am aware of. he got sacked from his stable job of many years for fighting with a colleague and financially times were very difficult, he started drinking and piled on weight, he was clearly depressed. I looked after him, supported him, financially and otherwise and remained a very loyal wife to him.
Three years ago, we could no longer afford our mortgage as I was made redundant and so we were forced to sell it. we decided at that time to each live in different rented houses, to give ourselves some space and time to heal from all the problems we had faced. There were many which I wont go into but such as deaths in the family etc.
Even though we lived apart, we dated and he stayed at my house almost everyday, just returning home some nights to sleep and give us time apart. We had both agreed that we loved each other and aimed to save up for a house and renew our vows, neither of us could imagine life without the other and none us dated other people. We were commited to each other in everyway still, or so I thought.
I helped him set up a new business and it was going really well, for the first time in years we had some money to do things we hadnt been able to, such as go out for dinner and he even bought me a lovely pair of small diamond earrings. I honestly thought things were finally looking up for us and the black cloud had started to lift, life seemed good again and I was happier than I had been in years.
He asked me again at Christmas time if I was ready to get a home together and go on holiday and renew our vows. To say I was over the moon was an under statement, I was elated and couldnt believe we were finally going to be able to get on with our lives. All our friends and family were made up for us as no one thought we could have come out of the things we suffered, still so much in love.
I insisted that he was to romance me again, not just come round for his dinner and to spend the night with me. He would ring me 20 times a day when we werent together and as recently as 4 weeks ago, he was swearing his undying love for me and I for him.
But suddenly and strangely he began coming round less saying he was busy and the regular phonecalls stopped. At first I did just think he was busy or sulking a bit as I wanted a commitment from him again as in to set a date for our renewal and to go house hunting.
Three days ago, my son announced that his father had a new girlfriend and that he had been going to stay with her. I was shocked to the core, I tried to ring him but he had blocked me. Our son then showed me photo's of the woman in question and complained that dad wouldnt anser his calls and that his phone was always off. Totally out of character. I have now discovered that indeed he is seeing this woman and has been at her house for a week, taking her and her children out and obviously being intimate with her.
I literally collapsed with shock and hurt, taken to hospital but was discharged after a few hours and a sedative.
I cannot begin to explain the pain, it is physical, mental and is torturing me. I cannot get the images of them together out of my head and have not eaten or slept for almost 3 days now. I have tried keeping busy and supporting our son who is totally beside himself at being what he desribes as 'abandoned for a cheap tart and her kids' I have heard him crying through the night and seeing him in so much pain is awful.
How could he do this to us? she is a client of the company and he first had contact with her baout 4 weeks ago and met here when he went to stay at her house 2 weeks ago. Now he is playing daddy to her kids and she seems to be all he cares about.
I feel like my life has just crashed around me, I coudt possibly have him back after he has slept with her as I know I would never be able to forgive him.
I am in a daze, retching, sobbing and unable to function properly. I feel I have lost everything and been discarded like a piece of rubbish.
I am in my early 50's and have dedicated my life to him, so am not one for going out or socialising and to be honest even getting out of bed right now is a struggle.
He was supposed to come home saturday and take our son out, he didnt show and his phone was off.
I know from the photo's ive seen that she is an attractive lady, far more so than me, she has a lovely home and a gorgeous model like figure. She is eastern european and has those lovely model like looks, i could never begin to compete with.
So whilst he is wining and dining her, buying her lavish gifts, I am a wreck trying to get through each day.
If it was ever possible to die of a broken heart, then I am sure I will. I love him with everything I have, i thought we were always going to be together. My elder son (not biologically his but with him from 9 months old) sent him a message saying 'what are you doing, I cannot stand to hear mum and my brother cry like this, have you any idea what you are doing to them?' he simply replied, 'your mother and I split up 3 years ago' I didnt think we had, nor did he til 4 weeks ago when he was looking at holidays and new wedding rings for us.
I know time heals, but how on earth do I get through each day like this? The pain is too bad to cope with, my life as I knew it has gone, my future, my hopes and dreams, my happiness and most of all the man I loved beyond what I thought possible.
Please help me, Im truly broken and in a very dark place.
Thank you

brokendreamer posted 3/26/2018 14:01 PM

Thank you, the situation is becoming rather worrying now, he has been gone a week and had little to no contact with his son, who has of today blocked him. But another practical concern is that he has just left his 2 dogs at home, with a friend popping in twice a day briefly to feed them and let them outside. I popped round there earlier to check on them and physically they are fine, but have been left for 24 hours a day for a week and usually he dotes on them. His house is a shocking disgrace, it looks like a dog kennel and he has been sleeping on the sofa when he was there. It looks like an environmental health case, I mean I knew he was untidy and lazy, but that was shocking to see. I would take the dogs in myself but I am not allowed to have them in my rented house, all I can do is go walk them. It appears he has just completely gone off the rails over the past week. I am starting to think that this is the first time he has been to stay with her, though not the first time they met, I can pin point that down to 4 weeks ago as I said. So it isnt just me he has abandoned, it is almost he has just forgotten any life before a couple of weeks ago and is living some mad fantasy life down there with her. He doesnt show any signs of reappearing anytime soon and is showing a total lack of responsibilty for his son and dogs, home here etc. I cannot begin to tell you how close he is/was to our son, they were literally joined at the hip and husband isolised him. He spent everyday with him and son is/was his world, where you found one, you found the other, his proper mini me. I wanted to add, as I just re read and noticed a comment, that it was me that left him 3 years ago and moved into another house, I felt we needed time to heal and to rebuild ourselves as a couple and as individuals. I havent been asking him to come back, quite the opposite, it is he who has never left me alone and constantly wanted to get back together. I refused as I wanted us to rekindle our romance, to let life's wounds heal and to date again. i wanted to be sure he genuinely wanted me because he loved me, not because we have been together so long and because Ive always been there for him. he talked the talk, but apart from a few meals out, there were no weekends away, no flowers or loving gestures. he just took me for granted I think and took for granted that I would always be there. I was still cooking his meals, sleeping with him occasionally and as I said, he was always ringing me and at my house. My mum and friends thought he had never accepted that we were not still a solid married couple. he did not like it at all if I said I was going to have a night out, begging me not to as he was so scared I might meet someone else, instead saying 'let me take you out for dinner' or 'lets snuggle up and watch a film' Even our son told me that dad was constantly telling him how much he 'loves your mother' how 'things will be ok son as I could never let her go, we are getting a new house and going to make a fresh start.
It is almost like he has lost the plot, done a complete U turn in a week or two. I mean he could tell me he loved me and be lying, but why keep telling our son, why keep asking me day in and day out to work on a new start? why keep ringing me to say when are you coming home? when I was shopping with mum and 'whats for dinner babe'?
I just remembered that 2 weeks ago, he said 'will you make a lovely Sunday roast and can we go to bed and watch a film, I miss snuggling up to you'
None of this is making any sense right now. Do I think he loves me? yes I honestly do. But I think as a lady/gentleman responded in the previous reply, I think he has firmly had his head turned.
The strange thing is, I don't think i would ever be able to have him back now, it feels like him sleeping with someone else and treating me with such cruelty and disrespect has convinced me that there is no going back. I saw my father do it to my mother when i was 17 and my mum took and overdose (involuntarily) they had been married forever and met when they were young teens. My dad returned after 3 weeks and they just celebrated 53 years of marriage, so I know it can work after.
But despite how wretched and low I feel, I am the kind of person who would never be able to forget it and get the visions out of my head, it has broken our bond. I thought he was mine and I was his, i could not snuggle up to him again or be intimate knowing he did that with someone else, it would destroy me.
Forgive me for rambling, my head is all over the place right now. My mum asked me today what i was feeling and if he came back would I take him back. My reply was that I feel used, betrayed, hurt, like Ive been living a lie and I have been made to question everything i thought was real.
As for would I take him back, the answer would have to be yes I would want to, to forget it ever happened, but the reality is no because i know I could never forgive and let it go.
I suffer from bad PTSD as i said in my original post and am being treated, but this has caused a massive set back. the visions of them together in my head are pure torture and seem to be getting worse each day. Apart from the odd hour when I have dropped off to sleep exhausted, only to wake with what feels like a breeze block dropped on my stomach, I still cant keep food down have no appetite at all and each time I try to take a small bite of toast it gets hurled straight back up.
My mum said today 'right come on pull yourself together, tomorrow we are going oput shopping, it will do you good' But the thought of it makes my stomach turn. Mum and I used to go shopping and she would pick up a shirt or sweater for dad and I would pick up something for husband. I still shopped for him, bought his clothes (he gave me the money) and went home to make his dinner as mum did dads. As I said, for all intents and purposes, we were still very much a couple. I'd get home and he would unload the shopping, make me a cuppa, sit and tell me about his day, ask about mine. He would then sit snuggled with me and watch tv, hardly the kind of behaviour of a man that would within 2 weeks would wipe me clean out of his life, tell himself and her no doubt that we separated 3 years ago.
I know I am going on, but I am trying to get my head round it all. Only 4 weeks ago my dad and him had a pint together in the pub while mum and I went shopping. when we walked in the pub cold and tired, dad gave mum a kiss and hubby put his arm round me, kissed my nose and said let me get you a coffee. He stood there telling my dad how much he loved his daughter and dad laughed saying 'oh get me a bucket' hubby said 'oh she loves me and she knows how much I love her, she is stuck with me' he looked at me winked and said 'dont you chick'
I think it is for all these reasons that I now feel so devastaed and betrayed, what was all that about if he can suddenly dump me so cruelly?
I hope that gives a little more insight as to why my head is up my a$$, why i am feeling so very shocked and devastated.
thank you for reading my senseless ramble

Charity411 posted 3/26/2018 14:47 PM

Of course you're in terrible shock. We all know what it feels like to have the vision of your future ripped away from you. You've come to the right place though. You will find great insight and support here.

First you need to start taking care of yourself. If you can't keep real food down, try nutritional drinks or shakes. That's important both for you and the son you need to be there for.

As for him saying your relationship was over three years ago, that is not unusual. Cheaters often rewrite history, or suddenly decide an exact moment in the past that their marriage was over, because it allows them to convince themselves that they aren't cheating.

By all means try to take care of the dogs, as they don't deserve this any more than you do. But resist the tempation to clean up his house or anything else in an effort to win him back. At some point she's going to go to his house, and see the real picture of who he is.

Spend your time taking care of you and reading from The Healing Library on the left hand box. You will find a world of resources to help you sort this out.

H3LL0 posted 3/26/2018 15:33 PM

it was me that left him 3 years ago and moved into another house, I felt we needed time to heal and to rebuild ourselves as a couple and as individuals. I havent been asking him to come back, quite the opposite, it is he who has never left me alone and constantly wanted to get back together. I refused as I wanted us to rekindle our romance, to let life's wounds heal and to date again.

I know the feeling of betrayal and know exactly how you are feeling through this... BUT I'm having a real hard time empathizing with your specific situation. Please accept this as tough love. There may be others who will comment and have different opinions and I respect that...

Using your quotes above and bolding some... you separated from your husband three years ago and then are surprised and hurt that he went to someone else younger and prettier and more willing to give him attention and intimacy then you? I'm sure your head is spinning because no matter how bad you treated him, and kicked him out, you expected him even more than three years later to still try to dote on you?

Sounds like he's a good man and put up with you long enough. Really surprised he made it three years because i'm not sure I'd make it 1 or 2 years if my wife kicked me out of the house (not for infidelity) and then expected me to dote on her not allowing me to move in. You baited him too long with little bread crumbs and he just upgraded his model and got the entire meal.

This has been very tough love but I think you need a little bit of a shocker to see the other side of things. I don't see your husband as a typical cheater and really empathize with him and feel bad for him.

I hope this new younger prettier woman treats him better than you have. He just may have a second chance at a happy marriage... just not with you.

[This message edited by H3LL0 at 3:35 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

brokendreamer posted 3/26/2018 16:07 PM

I am shocked and frankly disgusted at your reply. How bad I treated him? I stood by thgis man through 20 years of his cheating and domestic violence!!! I went back to work as nurse 3 months after giving birth, only to ereceive a phonecall at 3am from our babysitter, who had watched the kids while he went out partying and I was at work She told me had offered her £50 to stay on an hour while he took a girl home, she refused and rang me at work. I was dismissed from work on the grounds of looking after my kids. He didnt return for 3 days. So you can shove your opinion with all due respect

brokendreamer posted 3/26/2018 16:10 PM

can someone here please deal with that man/ wannabe man?. I am so disgusted with his reply and offended. there is no room for such nast horrible behavior here

brokendreamer posted 3/26/2018 16:14 PM

I came on here for help and support, not to be abused and upset my someone. I will go and leave this site now, that abuse was horrific and unneccessary

The1stWife posted 3/26/2018 16:51 PM

Ignore the other post. Clearly your words were not read through completely.

You are strong. You have shown that much. You have stood by your H through thick and thin. He was all yours up until a few weeks ago.

The fact he doesn’t even have the courtesy to discuss anything with you or son’s shows what a coward he is.

He took advantage of you and your kindness and love and support.

If he did not want to be married or living with you he should say the truth - to your face. Instead he is acting like a coward.

And your insight into his depression and other issues is very eye opening. You seem to understand him better than he understands himself.

But here is the tough part. As a mom you now need to help your children heal. You need therapy to get past his betrayal. His lies and abandonment.

Your children need a parent. So try to dry your eyes and find some inner strength to help your children. They need to understand this is not their fault either and that you are all suffering.

But as you know it will get better. It always does. Somehow. Some way. Your kids will rebound. They will be happy one day.

Therapy may help them. It will help you. And you will find great support here at SI. Just ignore the small few who may say things that are hurtful. Most people here are not like that.

You have been a good loyal wife. Too bad he did not appreciate it.

brokendreamer posted 3/26/2018 16:56 PM

In somne ways, I thank H3LL0, it has been a week of deciding whether I couldy carry on. She/he mad e up my mind. Lying here 70 tablets in and counting, as a nurse there will be no half attempt. Bless you all and in future never be nasty to anyone who crops up, you just never know where they are.
H3LL0 thank you, you gave me the courage to see through what I had been scared to do

ZoeS posted 3/26/2018 17:13 PM

brokendreamer, I am very concerned about your post. I hope you are not meaning that you are taking an overdose of pills? Please, dear lady, call the paramedics immediately. The world needs you and especially your children need you.

Shockedmom posted 3/26/2018 17:15 PM

Brokendreamer, please please get help now. Your words sound as though you have given up hope. Don’t let someone else’s post drive you towards a decision that will leave your family devastated.

Post again, call for help. Friends, loved ones or 911. Please do it now.

Greeneyesbluezy posted 3/26/2018 17:16 PM

Hey broken,

Please hang with us awhile longer. A lot of people here totally know what you’re facing right now and can guide you.

Tell me more about your children. You don’t say how old they are.

And please call 911 if you are thinking of taking pills. People love you and need you.

[This message edited by Greeneyesbluezy at 5:17 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

SCARLETT94 posted 3/26/2018 17:21 PM

Please don't honey.
Please think about your sons!
They will have no one of you leave them.

SCARLETT94 posted 3/26/2018 17:27 PM

Broken I sent you a pm.
Please talk to me!

Cephastion posted 3/26/2018 17:27 PM

The poison of those pills and other people's shit...it just isn't worth losing another precious soul to.

Please don't do this.

You obviously are more open and honest than a lot of folks and we need honest, sweet caring people in this world.

My wife and I know what hopelessness feels like. It's like a boa constrictor that sucks all the life and breath and vision out of you.

But that THING is a LIE. Don't let it win.

sassylee posted 3/26/2018 17:45 PM

Brokendreamer:

Please reach out for help. You have options. You have alternatives. Let someone help you see them!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:45 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

sassylee posted 3/26/2018 17:52 PM

If you are in the UK, please call:

Samaritans UK & ROI National
Contact by: Face to Face - Phone - Letter: - E-mail:
Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)
Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 90 (ROI - local rate)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 91 (ROI minicom)
Website: samaritans.org
E-mail Helpline: jo@samaritans.org
24 Hour service:

Cephastion posted 3/26/2018 17:53 PM

BrokenDreamer, I also sent you a Private Message.

We can vent together about how awful some men are! You can take it out on ME some if you'd like to, because I'm a guy myself (albeit not an awful one I hope).

Ask ME the hard questions instead of that Cretin who can't read!

Just click on the double smiley face to the far right of my name/post
or click on the "Private Messages" at the top of the forums home page (if the new member conditions thing let's you do it, that is).

Surviving4321 posted 3/26/2018 18:04 PM

Broken Dreamer be strong, i feel your pain. I also shared my story depicting decisions that to this day that i am so happy i did not make. The road is tough but people are resilient. You are stronger than you may feel. You are valuable in this world needed by your loved ones.

You can read of my personal demons and journey in my first post here, Pain Anguish Despair and Pushups

[This message edited by Surviving4321 at 6:14 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

Cephastion posted 3/26/2018 18:13 PM

There are a LOT of very good-hearted people on here and even in this wicked world still.

Please talk to some of us.

Please vomit out that poison and let's get thru TODAY TOGETHER.

My daughter is studying to be a nurse. My mother in law is a nurse. I do not doubt your ability to be effective in your decision there.

But you CAN reverse it.

And you can HEAL in your heart as well as your MIND.

MANY on here have or like myself are well along into the process of doing so.

Please give healing and truth a chance!