SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last week I had a routine ob/gyn doctor visit. I got the same dreaded question I received at my previous visit with this same doctor months ago: "Are you sexually active?" For simplicity's sake I just simply said yes. This doctor has been following me for several years now, knew I was looking to conceive someday soon with my recent XBF a while back, sympathized with my major fibroid problem (requiring invasive fibroid removal surgery) thwarting any chance to conceive anytime soon, etc. He is sympathetic and caring but also has poor bedside manner sometimes too, by making inappropriate or blunt comments. Example, passing judgement about how he felt I had "no support" in my life when I showed up at the hospital last July for my fibroid surgery alone, unaccompanied. A few snarky comments here and there about smaller stuff too. I made the likely mistake of telling him I had my BF back last fall at all the surgery follow-up appointments I had with this doctor. The last thing I wanted to do was admit I was in an involuntary sexless relationship and hear this doctor's judgmental comments. I already looked like enough of a fool when I showed up for my surgery with no support person or anyone driving me there. And I definitely didn't feel comfortable telling this doctor I had gone through a recent breakup, as I feel it's none of his business as long as I know I'm not exposing myself to anyone and their STD risks.

I do recall a wise saying though, that there's 2 people you should never lie to: your lawyer and your doctor. So I know it's ultimately wrong that I lied about being sexually active when I'm not. And trust me, I got my consequence later when the doctor's NP then tried to hardshell me an IUD because according to her I definitely DO NOT want to get pregnant within the first year or more after the invasive surgery I had, which was even more intense and larger than a Cesarean section. I had to find polite ways to decline her offer with "thanks but no thanks". (Because why would I want to pay big money out of pocket for birth control that I obviously do not need if I'm not even sexually active?) So yeah, I didn't exactly get off consequence-free from my little lie lol.

That's my story. Now what is yours? Has anyone else ever fibbed to a doctor to save face, to avoid embarrassment? Or am I the only "sociopath" to do so?

Also, no exposure to anyone to get STDs from anyone. It's been 2 years (well actually, 21-22mos to be exact) since I last had sex. It's been over 6 months since I even laid next to my XWBF, with just kissing and light fondling on top half of body. I've already been seen and tested for STDs multiple times in the last year, all because it's standard protocol for the treatment and surgery I was receiving for my uterine fibroid problem. Always nothing. Haha at this point any pregnancy would have to be an immaculate conception or any STD an immaculate transmission.

No, I have never lied to the doctor. I figure that they have heard and seen everything.

no. i cannot see the point. my life is more important than my embarrassment.

Just remember, anything that you tell your doctor becomes part of your permanent medical history and can be accessed by insurance companies. You can be denied coverage by life insurance companies or be denied certain surgeries/organ transplants in some cases based on your medical history and information disclosed to your physician about your health and habits.

Ok good points but how can falsely claiming I'm a sexually active 30-year-old hurt me or my permanent medical records? I'm not at risk for pregnancy or acquiring STDs from anyone, haven't been in literally multiple years now (wow it's been multiple years, that's pathetic). I'm not "at risk" for declining something as invasive, expensive, and non-foolproof as an IUD even if I was sexually active. I already told the NP I preferred to "keep using condoms".

I can understand lying by covering up risk or exposure to a potential health problem or disease, but is my lie all that harmful? Real question, not trying to "be smart" here.

Also, someone said they assume their doctor has heard and seen everything. My doctor actually said my fibroid case was the worst he'd ever seen in his entire nearly 40yr career. He's made jokes that he should have written up my case for a case study article in a medical journal. He and nurses said they never saw any case as extreme as mine. He's also mentioned (without names) other patients' situations in front of me before, like the girl who apparently needed 2 ectopic pregnancies removed, both with no insurance each time, how stressful that is for him.

My doctor actually said my fibroid case was the worst he'd ever seen in his entire nearly 40yr career. He's made jokes that he should have written up my case for a case study article in a medical journal

Sounds horribly difficult and I would be finding myself a great IC to confide in and get helpful, productive support to get myself emotionally back on my feet. I would never try to cope with something like this, along with a break up, without the help and direction of a good IC.

I've never lied to a doctor. Never. However, I have fired doctors that made me uncomfortable. Lying to your doctor was a poor coping mechanism. Why did you lie to him instead of not addressing the comments immediately previously? Why aren't you finding a new doctor? You need to look within whenever you are tempted to do something that conflicts with your core values, and lying should be one of those core values.

I recently had a similar situation of inappropriate comments made to me by a health professional, not my doctor, and I informed her that what she was saying was not only offensive, but inappropriate, and told her to stop. It never occurred to me to lie because I was embarrassed or uncomfortable, but to correct HER because SHE was the problem, not me.

You already made poor choices with your X and you are working to address them. But nobody should make inappropriate comments to you, especially not a health professional, unless you are specifically asking for their advice, or it is factual medical information that you need to make an informed decision for a medical procedure, etc.

Why aren't you finding a new doctor?

Exactly. If they're talking to you about someone else, they're talking to someone else about you. That's not just bad manners, it's unethical.

Please find someone else who actually understands treating patients as people.

((((cobalt77))))

Has anyone else ever fibbed to a doctor to save face, to avoid embarrassment?

I think the deeper issue to explore is why you are embarrassed to tell the doctor the truth and why lying seems to become something you do in these situations.

What would have been wrong with: "Not at this time."

The last thing I wanted to do was admit I was in an involuntary sexless relationship and hear this doctor's judgmental comments.

The doctor likely doesn't care under what circumstances are you not sexually active--he just wants the answer to the question. It's something he needs to know, and there's no reason for you to explain the whys and wherefores, is there?

Personally, I don't think it was judgmental of him to remark on you coming in for surgery without someone there for you. That's the doctor's job--to make sure that his patients have the appropriate help post-surgery.

Another thing to explore is why you overshare personal information (and then feel embarrassed about it--why open your mouth in the first place). The doctor just needs to know yes or no, not the circumstances.

You have some things to work on in IC.

Cat

That doctor saw a hundred people today - he doesn’t care if you are or aren’t sexually active. But it is important to figure out why it would be easier for you to lie than to get the service you need. It might not be all that important in this instance, but if you are establishing a dishonest relationship that will have implications in the future. Also, I think it is an important part of a medical assessment to figure out what kind of support you have. I wouldn’t take it personally when he asks those questions.

Nope. I would have much rather told my doctor (and her assistant, and the lady I had to call to make the appointment) that I was not sexually active, then having to go in and confess I was an adulterer and my AP wife just confronted me in a parking lot and told me my AP had also been with prostitutes, so I was there for a full STD panel including HIV and I had potentially exposed my husband since I had unprotected sex with both of them. Talk about soul crushing, humiliating, mortifying and demoralizing. But Doctors have heard it all and they aren't there to judge.

What is the point in lying? Lying doesn't get you anywhere in life. You seem to have a hard time being your authentic self.

It would have been just as simple if not simpler to answer "no." Your doctor doesn't need to know that you and your bf broke up. Or that you weren't even having sex while you were together.

Get a new obgyn. Never let a doctor make you feel bad about yourself. The "no support" remark your doctor made was completely inappropriate and unprofessional, and more than enough reason to fire a doctor.

Pink piggy, wow that's gotta be hard. But did you have to give all of those details? Were they resistant to give you a full std panel simply because you're married (technically that's discrimination) so that's why you felt the need to add all the extra details? People are telling me I should have just said a quick "no" (as quick as my "yes" had been). Couldn't you have simply said that? And this might make some mad so I apologize in advance but, I actually would feel less uncomfortable admitting a situation where I'd done wrong (as in, it wasn't your fault your AP had been with prostitutes, but you did kinda open yourself up to that situation by cheating in the first place), than admit a situation where I did no sin. I feel like it's double whammy punishment for me to have to suck up another shit sandwich for something beyond my control. It's lousy enough XBF denied me sex while cheating on me, but for me to have to face further humiliation as a result is just...yuck.

To the others, as for giving the doctor a simple no. It definitely would have spurred on judgment and comments, which I wasn't in the mood for at all. This dr has done that before. Example, when i admitted pre-surgery I hadn't had sex in at least a year, he said rather sarcastically, "And YOU were the one trying to get all those infertility tests done. How did you think you were going to have a baby if you weren't even having sex?" He thinks he's a funny guy but sometimes his comments are not so funny for the patient. Other times he gets impatient so he blurts out stuff like that.

Annanew and Deadmumwalking, thank you for your suggestion to change doctors. I do feel obligated to stay because he was the one who did the "miracle surgery" that spared me from getting a complete hysterectomy when others told me to just "suck it up" on my motherhood dream and just get the hysterectomy. I kinda feel like I owe it to him for that. He doesn't have good bedside manner (as his online reviews show) but he is admittedly a skilled surgeon. I kinda feel like I owe it to him, even though I obviously didn't want any surgery at all, especially upon disappointedly hearing that I'll need C-section if/when I ever get to have children.

Cobalt- I gave them the toned down version. When I went in, I was a sobbing, hysterical mess on the verge of passing out and hyperventilating. I couldn't even complete a sentence. So yes, they inquired as to why a woman who was 38 years old and married, with two children, where it was documented my method of birth control was my husband vasectomy (see medical history comes back to bite you) would be wanting to be checked for STDs, and in reality I had NO IDEA what that even was, I never had a need for it in my entire life. The doctor actually suggested the HIV test, as well as anti anxiety meds and xanax, and therapy, so it was all inclusive. And yes, he did transmit an STD to me. So it is never good to lie, you just don't know what the ramifications will be down the road.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 12:27 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Catwoman, I feel so embarrassed because I admit I am ashamed of how long I stayed with WXBF, especially after getting feedback on this site. I am humiliated that I didn't get sex for 2yrs, that I stayed loyal and meek but never reaped the so-called fruits or rewards for doing so, and I'm also ashamed of XBF's jail whereabouts. I definitely didn't mention to this doctor XBF was in jail, that's for sure. Way too humiliating and none of his business. I guess if I'd had higher standards for myself like you and others tell me to have going forward, I wouldn't have felt so ashamed of my situation.

And to the person who says I'm afraid of my being my "authentic self": basically I feel like that's saying that how people treated me is now part of who I am. I guess that's saying that my XBF's sexual neglect of me is "molded" into my identity and who I am. Great, another shit sandwich. I used to think one's authentic self has to do with their true hobbies and interests, their sexual orientation, etc. But I guess being treated like a loser becomes a part of "me" too. Even more reason refuse to be treated the way XBF treated me, by anyone ever again. This is part of why I refuse to keep being celibate, because celibacy is NOT who I want to be.

I feel so embarrassed because I admit I am ashamed of how long I stayed with WXBF, especially after getting feedback on this site. I am humiliated that I didn't get sex for 2yrs, that I stayed loyal and meek but never reaped the so-called fruits or rewards for doing so, and I'm also ashamed of XBF's jail whereabouts. I definitely didn't mention to this doctor XBF was in jail, that's for sure.

None of this information is or was germane to your health, so why did you lie when you could have answered either yes or no? THAT'S part of what you need to explore within yourself. Why do you feel compelled to tell the entire story to everyone? What are you looking for by doing so? As some others have said, perhaps being more discreet and not oversharing would be helpful to you.m I'm actually puzzled as to why you tell so many people so many intimate details about your personal life. Why do you do that?

We do teach people how to treat us, and you taught your BF well how to not treat you well. The challenge will be to make things different with your subsequent relationships. I would suggest reading "Why Men Love Bitches" as a good approach to being true to yourself while in a relationship.

Cat

I agree with Catwoman and those who suggest looking for a new doctor. I've never wanted to lie to a doctor. Wait - that's not entirely true. What I mean is, I so very much wished that I didn't have to ask for a full STI panel after I learned of my H's infidelity. But that's not wanting to lie to for pride's sake - it's wishing the truth had been something other than what it was.

When I was a kid, I'd been sick for several days when my dad finally took me to the doctor. He insisted that I tell the doc that my symptoms were new just that day - he didn't want the doc to think he'd been derelict in getting me there sooner. I've never forgotten how that felt - how he chose his pride over the risk to my health.