SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't see the point in telling your doctor a lie. Why lie? Does he care if you broke up with your BF? Probably not. Does he care if you are sexually active right now? Only in the sense of your health I would assume.

If you are not comfortable with your doctor, get a new one, you need to be able to be honest with your doctor. If they are asking questions, its not because they are nosey, its because it affects your health and how they treat you. JMHO. Get a new doctor. He doesn't sound very professional and you don't trust him.

Also- as a woman, the reason they also ask if you are sexually active is because you could be pregnant. That will prompt them to do a routine pregnancy test/stick dip when you give a urine sample. They always test for those things and that can sway what they may prescribe you for medications,etc. You just don't want to lie about anything.

I often wonder when they ask do you use recreational drugs or abuse alcohol/smoke if people lie.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 1:21 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Ever since discovering my WH’s infidelity, I request a full std panel with my annual exam. I have no reason to believe he is currently cheating, but condoms don’t offer 100% protection against everything. Better safe than sorry.

Catwoman, because I've tried giving this man simple answers before and he would then ask prodding nosy questions that weren't even relevant. Yes he is nosy. Another example. When I was at that same pap smear appointment recently, my shirt rode up exposing my belly (another area I'm deeply ashamed of) and he commented in an unflattered tone about how bad my stretch marks were. My belly's superficial (literally) appearance had nothing to do with my vajayjay. Now I wish I'd covered up my belly more (by way of a waist clincher or stay-put Spanx midsection piece) the way I covered up my celibacy.

When I was in the hospital, he and two other medical staff members pulled me aside (this occurred 3 separate times, 1-on-1 each time) to express how I lack support figures and how they're worried for me as to how I'm going to get around at home by myself. Pointed out that I lack a spouse or partner, or close friends. My doctor even took it a step further, saying how he wanted to see me have a normal life, go on dates, be able to meet up with friends to see a movie at the cinema every so often...that he was concerned because it seemed I didn't have any real friends and only worked, which is great because it shows im self sufficient but that I need to have supportive people in my life too. He then commended me on how well I'd emotionally held up through all the surgeries and health scares, that I was a "good sport" and handled things better than he'd seen with most other cases similar to mine but less severe (in reality I WAS hurting, but hid my emotions well). He then proceeded to tell me that if I feel like I'm developing depression since I'm battling these health problems all alone, to feel ok reaching out for help, that I've been doing great so far but sometimes depression creeps up on even the most level headed women. I know he meant well but I also felt slighted. I don't think he would have suggested future depression if I'd had XBF there with me, or friends and family visiting. I feel like he judged the little he knew of my social life on the surface of what he saw. A day later some rude hospital social worker visited without my consent or inquiry. She was rude, snappy, and made me feel even worse about my solitaire living situation. The week after I came home, I started reaching out to my ex in hopes to reconcile (which eventually we did).

[This message edited by cobalt77 at 2:13 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

You have the power to find a new doctor and stop objecting yourself to this hurt and you're choosing not to. Why? You need to acknowledge that life doesn't JUST happen around you. Change what you can or stay stuck on this loop. I say that with compassion.

cobalt where are your parents? siblings?

I think if I was a doctor and a patient came in by herself for major surgery I would be concerned about a patient's lack of support as well. i think the staff has to do this and that's why they followed up.

More about the social worker. To this day I still don't know who referred her to me. It could have been my doctor or anyone else there, although my doctor did know more intricate details of my situation even when I tried to put on a "good sport" face. The social worker asked if my home situation was "safe". I told her I lived alone. She acted concerned about that. She said in a not-nice way that I need to have someone pick me up, that I can't drive myself home like she heard I drove myself to the hospital. She was overall rude and judgmental, made me feel like garbage. I stayed polite the whole time. I didn't want it to look like I was trying to shoo her out, so I thought up a question to ask her about therapy providers (even though I could get a list from my insurance company if need be). She said she'd work on that for me, asked me where I lived. I told her my address, then added that I'd prefer therapists who are located near my work because the only time I'd be able to see a therapist ongoing would be after work (in a major city), and I work an hour away from home, so driving to a therapist an hour from work in my hometown would cut into time available to see the therapist. She snapped that she had no resources in that major city...even though my hospital advertises itself as being the top provider for my city's patients lol. I also politely told her I would please need any providers to be accepted by my insurance (a very big, well known company). She then told me I should apply for Medicaid so I have more choices available. I politely said "thanks but no thanks" to her Medicaid suggestion (while secretly fuming on the inside), explained that I already have insurance through my job and I likely make too much money as a single to qualify for Medicaid anyway. I even disclosed my salary, which is really none of her business, which I felt totally uncomfortable doing. "Just apply anyway," she snapped.

When she came back later with a list of providers, absolutely NONE of them were accepted by my insurance (they only accept Medicaid) and ALL were a good distance from my home in the opposite direction of my job! So she was rude and intrusive, not even helpful.

I did find several therapists on my own, calling around myself when I got home a few days later. I also checked into Medicaid only as a test to see if she was right that I'd quality. Haha nope! I don't make a lot of money (I'm working class), but as a childless single, even my modest salary is almost twice the Medicaid cutoff in my state. Lol. Rolling my eyes.

I know the social worker isn't directly relevant to my doctor...but it definitely helped push me to become desperate for companions like my ex. In fact, the same evening Miss Social Worker stopped by, I found myself crying my eyes out about how lonely my life had become.

Your doctor is not "judging" you.

The questions about your living situation are routine protocol to assure all post-discharge needs are being met for a healthy recovery. The referral to the social worker was routine as well, to assess for any gaps in your post-discharge care. Just like a referral to a dietician would've been made if you were severely underweight or overweight. Or a financial counselor if you had expressed concerns about paying your bill.

I work in the case management department of a hospital and there are specific protocols to be met for all patients.

We see many patients in a days/weeks time and are way too busy arranging home health, nursing homes, rehab, etc., that we really don't have time to sit and gossip about our patient's personal lives.

They are discussed only insofar as it would affect any post-discharge needs or placements. Certainly the fact that you live alone and noone accompanied you to the hospital is a legitimate concern to your healthcare team.

If you are uncomfortable with your doctor, you can and should find another one.

[This message edited by JadeC at 6:39 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

I lied about how much beer I was drinking post DDay. He knew about the DDays. Now what I stated is way more than I currently drink - like exponentially. If it comes up at my annual I'll tell him or maybe at my next quarterly. Shame that I was drinking so much and numbing out.

cobalt where are your parents? siblings?

I think if I was a doctor and a patient came in by herself for major surgery I would be concerned about a patient's lack of support as well. i think the staff has to do this and that's why they followed up.

Oh goody, see that's the "best" part of all!!!! (major sarcasm) My family have shown themselves to be deadbeats in this whole ordeal. There was already distance forming when I was too embarrassed to admit to them about my XBF's parole/criminal record situation. (Plus it's none of their business anyway, since they don't support me and haven't in over 10yrs, even when I became literally homeless temporarily years back due to no reasonable fault of my own) So instead of airing my shameful personal business or lying, I chose to just not talk about XBF. That had them assuming the worst, like that I'd gotten knocked up and he fled like a deadbeat on me. When I did tell them that the real issue were huge uterine fibroids NOT a pregnancy (I looked about 5mos pregnant by this point, right before my fibroid removal surgery), they hotly disagreed with my choice to avoid going straight for the hysterectomy. Their argument was that cutting out numerous fibroids might bring more risks of bleeding out or dying; they called my myomectomy "cherry picking". (As it turned out, I did lose nearly half my blood volume and needed 2 blood transfusions but doctor told me that because the fibroids were so big, there would have been no avoiding the major blood loss, even if I'd gone the hysterectomy route) They've always thought my future motherhood plans are trifling and that having kids is "no big deal" I should worry myself about. This, coming from parents who had FOUR kids! (hypocritical) When I finally stood up for myself and asserted my plans to keep reproductive system in tact, I was slighted pretty badly so I backed down and went NC/did the 180 for a few weeks. I did talk to them on the phone after surgery to let them know I was ok, and my dad fixated on the fact that I'd messaged 2 siblings on Facebook about my surgery before telling him. I didn't tell him first because I felt awkward talking to him after going NC/180 with him. Three days after my surgery, my dad was literally yelling at me on the phone, saying I'd be a "bad mom" to any kids I'd have someday anyway, all because I am a "disrespectful daughter" to defy him by messaging my siblings first. Said things like even if I'm now able to physically carry a baby in my womb someday, that being a bio mom doesn't make someone a "parent," that parenting requires more than that, that adoptive and foster parents are more of "parents" than I could be even if I end up pregnant someday. I felt extremely insulted because I live a clean lifestyle (no drugs, no smoking, good girl job, no criminal record, etc) and I've done nothing bad to children. In fact, I worked in a daycare for several years! I think he was just spouting off because he was agitated that I seemed to go "around his back" but I'm still steaming over his comments, 8-9mos later. I actually listened passively to him rant for over 5mins at me, because admittedly I had nobody else to talk to and no visitors. Finally after 5mins of just listening to him rant I hung up. I cried for the rest of the night. I felt angry that my only "visitor" all week was the rude unsolicited social worker, who I didn't even want.

Months later, I'm still not on talking terms with my dad or now with my family. My siblings and grandparents took his side. They didn't even want to hear about what he said or what the argument was about; they shunned me for dare arguing with him, even though I was the one in a surgery bed with him yelling at me on the phone. I did meekly try to extend the olive branch 2wks later by texting him happy birthday. No response, crickets. I saw family at my sister's wedding a few months later and it was awkward but we all acted polite and civil. I thought things were getting better until I found out I was left out of some holiday plans afterward so yeah back to NC for me.

[This message edited by cobalt77 at 3:04 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

Your doctor is not "judging" you.

The questions about your living situation are routine protocol to assure all post-discharge needs are being met for a healthy recovery.

Maybe, maybe not, but looking back I do not appreciate his comments about my stretch marks, or the "how do you expect to have kids when you're not even having sex" quip (durrr, he has done IUI and IVF with donated sperm for a few of his patients before). The movie theater comment seemed irrelevant because I'd have to be in good enough health and recovery to be getting around enough to get to a movie theater. I never even said to him that I like going to movies. Technically lamenting me not being able to have a friend to go to a movie with puts me in the same exact situation I was before I even had surgery, when I still struggled to have friends carry through on plans. What does that have to do with surgery, surgical recovery, and anything to do with him?

[This message edited by cobalt77 at 3:11 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

Just remember, anything that you tell your doctor becomes part of your permanent medical history and can be accessed by insurance companies. You can be denied coverage by life insurance companies or be denied certain surgeries/organ transplants in some cases based on your medical history and information disclosed to your physician about your health and habits.

THIS!!

I heard someone say, kind of funny, "Doctors are like mushrooms, keep them in the dark and feed them s**t and you'll get what you want".

If you REALLY trust the doc, and you can be sure they will "put down the pen" and talk to you, then yes, I would have an honest conversation with them. Otherwise, figure out what you want/need, and feed them whatever line it takes to get that. You do NOT want things in your medical file that say things like "I've considered killing myself" (who hasn't at least "considered it" but if you tell a doc this.. Oh the world of hurt you're about to open) or "I think I may be taking too much pain medication" (you'll never be able to get a script for any pain med that will work again from a regular doc if you say this).

If you really must have an honest conversation with a doc, find a new one, give fake information and pay cash (as in, dollar bills, no paper trail). This is an extraordinarily dangerous game that can have dramatic impacts on your life if you say the wrong thing, be careful; it's kind of like talking to a police officer, best rule, keep your mouth shut.

Rideitout, thank you!!!!! I've heard that saying too. And I definitely did not over share my personal life with this doctor. Anything he's commented on my pathetic personal life situation was made from his own observations and assumptions. Example, I never told him about XBF being in jail, how my family sucks, how I'm lonely, etc. If anything, his comments (and others at the hospital) helped me to feel more lonely and to feel like there's something dreadfully wrong with my life. Remember, he called me a "good sport" multiple times because of how well-composed and optimistic I was throughout the process. Yes, I did admit to this doctor that I really wanted to get pregnant, 1-2yrs ago, before XBF's and my first breakup. I did this because, well, I was seeking out fertility diagnostics testing and to know my options for help with conceiving. I already had preexisting conditions like PCOS so fertility was a big concern to me. I had already really wanted to get pregnant even before I met XBF. XBF knew about this and supported it because he knew how much it meant to me and at that time he also agreed he'd be ready to help me have a baby in the future. Unfortunately, this same doctor remembered all this too well and so it looked weird and tacky to admit later that I was still with the same BF but no longer having sex in a long time. I worried that the doctor would think I was naïve to want a baby but not be getting sex. Sure enough he commented on it and rather brashly. The reason he knew I was celibate was because I'd answered his question honestly last year shortly before surgery. I also slipped and admitted to the doctor's medical assistant about how a mandatory pre-surgery STD test was moot since I hadn't done literally anything since my prior std test (stupid me).

All in all I get what people are saying that I don't want to burn a bridge, jeopardize my medical records with incriminating info, etc. But I fail to see how harmful it can be to fib about my sex life status. (After all, it might be a routine question but I was never asked it by any of my several previous ob/gyns) Seriously, do you really think a life insurance company is going to reject someone for being a 30-year-old nonvirgin woman who is supposedly having sex in the same relationship she'd been in for a few years?? If anything, my innocuous fib is just going to bring me extra contraception marketing to field (e.g., the NP hard selling me an IUD I don't need) or the option to get extra STD tests. It's not like I did the opposite, I.e. ho around then claim to be celibate, when I might be harboring an untreated STD.

[This message edited by cobalt77 at 2:42 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

Personally, I think lying to your doctor opens up more potential harm than good.

If you don't like how he treats you, leave. It really is that simple.

At some point, Cobalt, you stop becoming a victim and become a volunteer. I think you're there now.

In all of your posts, you seem to believe you are "helpless" instead of believing you have options that you and you alone can exercise. Are you working on this in IC? If not, that would be a good thing to address, because you are NOT a victim and you HAVE CHOICES. Make them.

Cat

I'm very sorry your parents have not shown up for you in so many ways.

i wonder if this would be something to talk about in IC? if you were raised like this, it deeply impacts your choices as an adult.

this is something I'm exploring myself at age 51. and i should have done it earlier.

FYI edited my last post since it cut off earlier this morning when I was on my way to work.

Sewardak, thank you. I think they're not all evil, but definitely make condescending double standards with me. I think part of their logic behind not fathoming my motherhood dream is that I'm not married, therefore I have "no business" even thinking about kids. A few years ago they commented about how "selfish" someone's mom was for becoming a single mom by choice at age 29 using an unmet sperm donor. (Turns out it's good she did, or else she may have missed the boat on motherhood, as she was 46 at the time I told this story and still was never able to get married or find a man) They think single female celebrities who adopt are "crazy". Very old fashioned mindset. They are actually way more supportive of my little sister getting pregnant, all because she's married. I think they also saw my adamant avoidance of a hysterectomy to be indicative of my pregnancy obsession, since a hysterectomy would have robbed me of any chance to get pregnant and bear my own children. I also wonder if maybe they don't see me ever marrying. They know I've had at least a few rotten BFs and a long string of being an outcast with boys (I was picked on by boys all through K-12 school and struggled to get dates, didn't date until much later than average as a result, despite wanting to date earlier). They've thrown my crap long-ago XBFs in my face before during disagreements. I think this is why I hid my XBF's shameful secrets about his legal situation.

I just read all your posts in this thread. OK.

Why on earth don't you get a new doctor? If he is making you feel ashamed, then fuck him. Seriously.

Why on earth were you talking about conceiving with someone who wasn't having sex with you?

Why do you talk about your ex denying you sex? It is not as though you were married, and it sounds like you never even lived with the guy. You could have gotten out anytime. You wrote that you committed no sin. You didn't, but what the fuck? You made yourself a victim here to an extent that I can't even fathom. Why did it take you so long to break up with someone who wouldn't have sex with you?

What are you looking for here? You argue with almost all the advice you receive. It seems as though you just want to vent, which is fine, but it does not look as though you want to change. It seems like you want to be validated.

Why the hell did you lie about being sexually active and why on earth are you asking people what they think and then asking what the harm was? Dude, for crying out loud, sexual activity affects women's health, it affects what STDs they test for, it affects what or if any birth control the doctors prescribe. Your medical professionals sound deeply unprofessional and you should leave but why on earth wouldn't a nurse push for an IUD when you said you were sexually active? Why are you complaining?

Why do you care what people think? Guess what? I haven't been sexually active in a long time. I tell my doctors. Who cares? If they are judgmental, I don't care. My life is not theirs.

Get a new doctor and stop lying and stop caring what people think.

I had a regular PCP visit just days after d-day, and my wife always accompanied me to my appointments. I broke down in that visit, and thank goodness our PCP (We both see her) knows the whole story. It has helped over that last two years.

My specialists have been more difficult to tell, but especially my gastroenterologist needed to know about my stress.

Yes, it is difficult, but I see no reason to cover for my wife's choices.

I am going to point out that the single biggest factor in the lives of all the people I know who wanted to marry and have children but never did is that all of them felt victimized in life but refused to look at their own role. It has been very sad for me to watch them struggle through bad relationships, poor choices, and low self-esteem made worse by their inability to look at their own participation in their lives more closely.

Cobalt, I am sorry, but these doctors and social workers, ex-jailbird boyfriends and their family members, parents and siblings, and so called friends of yours cannot ALL be these cruel players in your life while you have zero responsibility. It is not possible that everyone in your life is wacky and horrible and problematic while you are great, no issues. All that you see on this site is IC, IC, IC, and yet you deem it unnecessary for yourself since your problems--not even infidelity related--are caused by every single person in your life but yourself. It is tragic watching you avoid looking at the one person you can control, you. And what's more tragic is that if you refuse to look at why and how (clearly FOO related, from what you say) you have allowed such disastrous people into your life, and why and how you create such unpleasant situations for yourself, it will absolutely never change.

I am going to say one last time, speaking entirely from my own personal life story, if you ever in this lifetime want to find love and true friendship and caring in this world, please seek IC. It is the gift you give yourself. Internet boards will never be a good substitute. You need to peal back the layers of your life and look at how the events have impacted all stages of your emotional development if you want to create a different vibe that produces different results from people.

I will tell you what, though. If you do not want a nice boyfriend or husband, adorable children, better relationships with family, better, more compassionate friends, more job offers and promotions, and better service from businesses and community, if you do NOT want any of that--then do not go to IC.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:47 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]