As all other stories this will be a long one. We've been together for 14 years now.. with all the regular ups and downs of marriage. I've always been the relaxed/controlled guy.. the rational one. She has always been the spontaneous one, the life of the party. And that's why we matched so good when we first met.
Things changed though after the birth of our first daughter 6 years ago. After 6 or seven months i noticed something was wrong. When she was playing with her she didn't look happy. She didn't seem to share the limitless love that i felt. There was no glint in her eye. 2 months later she told me that she thought something was wrong with her. Something was wrong with our child. Somehow she had convinced herself that the child was not hers. "she smells wrong.. ". And she had started to develop intrusive images.. someone hurting the baby.. the baby falling down the stairs. Someone in the streets grabbing a knife and stabbing the baby. It was an endless parade of horrible things happening to the baby. At first it was only a few times a day.. but it slowly got worse and developed into a continuous loop. We agreed that she should take therapy and after a few sessions PND was diagnosed. She got help.. for about 3 months and quickly stated that she was cured and didn't need more therapy (she works as a nurse.. they're way to good at compartmentalization). During this period i noticed that when i showed her how worried i was.. or how much it hurt me that she had these thoughts.. that she stopped telling me about them. (it scared the shit out of me to go to work, seeing as i had 3/4 hours in the car every day) So i started hiding my fear and pain and told her it would work out.
The images she had returned a year later. She saw paedophiles everywhere .. and in everyone. And she kept on battling with the fact that our daughter was "wrong" somehow. Those thoughts slowly deteriorated into suicidal thoughts. At first she had them once a week. A " this is not my life.. everything is better than this, even death"-thing. But she started making remarks more and more often that 'is she was brave enough she would end it all". I tried to be strong for her.. and didn't tell her how much it hurt me that our daughter and me weren't good enough for her to feel alive. Rationally i could cope.. emotionally it eroded my core and my self-assurance.
During the past 1.5 years my wife's behaviour deteriorated further. She called in sick at work 6 months ago and at home she was angry 24/7.. or tired. Refusing to come to bed before 24:00.. because "her biological clock was wired differently" (now i know what she was doing). We started having many fights where she accused me of having an affair. Something that was triggered hard by the fact that i had admitted to her that before meeting her i had some D/s relationships. During this period her anger, distance and the continuous suicidal words pushed me into a "rigid and tough" man.. trying to cope with her issues. We still got married 12 months ago though.. but after an initial happy week her anger and distance returned.
This january I found out that she had was hiding something from me. 2 months before our marriage she had started working on a tattoo to celebrate the fact that she had overcome the PND (as if) and the tattoo artist (old hippie guy.. 18 years older than her. Not the standard tattoo artist) and he had shown an interest in her. An interest that she returned after several months and it turned into an EA. 2 weeks after our marriage it turned into a PA.
It was the usual emotional roller-coaster when i found out. She lied.. deflected.. trickle truthed me. I went to his work, punched him in the face (he was an ex boxing champ) and he spilled everything.I contacted his wife afterwards When i confronted her at home with her lies she slowly admitted to more and more. But only because i confronted her. She kept on lying and hiding things. Afterwards i found out that she had sexted with 2 other guys, and had intimate talks with a 3rd who said he loved her.. but they didn't do anything sexual. All these things i had to find out myself.
We're 3 months in now and her initial shock has subsided. At least.. that seemed to be the case. We tried working through it because we have two kids. But it slowly dawned on me that i was doing the pick me dance. Reading up on everything infidelity related, trying to show my faults and that i changed. And she was hardly putting in any effort. When i started digging i found out that her suicidal thoughts had increased tremendously during the past 6 months. She had actively looking for ways to kill herself and had taken risks when crossing the street... or when she went running and crossed the train tracks.
It scared the shit out of me. We agreed to therapy for her and counselling for me and we would delay r.t. until she was more stable. Slowly though her initial regret turned into anger. She was making me the guy who caused it all, who caused her shame and pain. Who pushed her into an affair. Her guilt diminished and she started saying things like "we didnt see each other every week." or "the guys i sexted with.. it wasn't always sexual. We also talked about other stuff". And then in a moment of rage she told me.. "to be honest i think i was entitled to cheat".. and she quickly diagnosed me with autism because of my withdrawn behaviour these past 16 months.
5 weeks ago she was planning on buying a new house with me, because she wanted to flee from her dark past. But 3 weeks ago, when i found out she had contact the P. AP to " say goodbye" we got into an argument. We had a deal that she wouldn't contact him, but that she was allowed to say goodbye. Instead she chose to do that in secret. After the argument she told me to come upstairs (our 2 kids were downstairs) and i got the "i love you but i don't love you" talk. She said she couldn't stay in the same house with me and we agreed to take the kids in turn while she slowly worked out her issues.
2 weeks ago we got into r.t. and during the first session it dawned on me that i had become a doormat. That i was blaming myself, tried to fix her.. and was enduring all her anger, contempt and disgust because of her suicidal thoughts. Suddenly I had enough. I've always been a strong and confident man but this had turned into a codependent relationship. Afterwards I restricted my contact (i was needy.. looking for validation.. fearful) and that caused her to be pissed off. "why don't you cuddle me when you come get the kids?" .. "Why do you have facebook? are you talking to other girls. I'm not jealous, just angry that you say you want to fight.. but you're doing things behind my back! Shit.. you can do whatever you want.. I.. DON'T.. CARE".
We got into a fight this weekend because she was hiding her phone again.. and i saw panic in her eyes when our oldest unlocked it and gave it to me. Monday i confronted her and told her that for this to work she has to show me that i can trust her.. and i asked to see her contact list. She refused.. 'we will talk about this at r.t.' and started walking out. I followed her down the stairs and asked her if she was really going to blow this because i wanted to see her contact list (not her messages).. and she remained silent. Our oldest saw her anger.. and that she was leaving and said "no mommy.. stay.. don't divorce daddy!".. and that angered her even more. I couldn't help myself.. but at that moment the ridiculoussness of the situation dawned on me. and i said "this seems to be what momy wants.. its not your fault" . Not my finest moment for the kids.. but hey.. i had been bottling up my anger and pain for 2 months trying to ' help her'
At our 2nd session with our 2 therapists she started the talk with "this is over, i'm only here because i want to learn how to communicate with him after our divorce.. for the kids". And during our session she kept in hammering on me.. her anger turning into rage. Time and again the therapists confronted her with what she was doing.. interrupting my side.. making demeaning remarks. Then they started confronting her. And it all came out.
She hadn't been in contact with other guys, she was paranoid about me. Thought there were camera's all over the place, that i was tapping her phone (she turned it of when she talked to people.. afraid that i was listening in). And she said she had a severe distrust of who i was.. called part of me (the previous D/s part) 'a monster'..
The therapists pushed harder and she broke. It turned out that her "its going ok. I sleep badly.. but its ok" was a lie. She kept running 2 times a week, boxing... and was slowly laying waste to her mind and body. She was in constant rage.. and panic. And the conclusion was that she was on the verge of a breakdown..She had hit rock bottom and was incapable of empathy towards me. Made me the bad guy (or as one of them said "she's just allergic to you atm.. it doesn't matter what you say or do.. it all fuels her rage"). They also told her not to make remarks about divorce or take any life-changing decisions at this time. She just isn't capable to do that.
Her own talks with her i.c. were focussing on writing a plan this monday, but our r.t. therapists (also experienced in depressions) told her that in their view she should drop everything now and preferably take a month off in a secluded spot somewhere. They will contact the other psychologist and will change the plan to an emergency plan/intervention to prevent a breakdown.
In the meantime we have agreed to go NC with each other, only seeing one another when it's my time for the kids. And I must confess that it's giving me a lot of peace. Her constant anger and resentment, her continuous blaming of me.. downplaying her own role. It was just enough.
The problem is though.. that when i look at her i still love her. And i hope that we can work it out.. If we didn't have kids.. perhaps it would have been a different story.
Anyway.. it seems as if in her mind i have become the cause of her affair. There is no respect, only anger and rage. No love.. only contempt. What makes this harder though is the severity of her depression. I know i can't fix her (my attempts at helping have only fuelled her rage).. she has to do that herself.
I'm working hard on myself now.. lost 14 kg's (finally that semi sixpack!) and working out 5-7 times a week. Picked up kickboxing again and generally feeling more self assured by the day. I've stopped my sleep meds (damn.. oxazepam is nasty when you read the side effects!) and started meditating. The constant fear and despair caused by the thought of her has left me (permanently i hope).. but i still have a slimmer of hope that she will fix herself in time and that she is capable of understanding (and admitting) that she is rewriting history.. blame shifting.. rationalizing her affair.. and doing everything bad in the WS playbook.
I don't know how much of her is "broken permanently".. and how much of her can be repaired. I just hope that she does that in time.
Any advice on how to approach her? Anyone (WW?) who has done something similar and has struggled with depression while trying to work things out?
[This message edited by MarcusNL at 4:51 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]