SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

Iwantmyglasses posted 6/14/2018 09:55 AM

Help me to understand this quote. This is exactly my own problem. I want to fix it.

Your healing from her A is releasing the feelings that come with being betrayed. It's your work to do, and you don't need her input to do it.

Please help me to understand this?

prissy4lyfe posted 6/14/2018 10:05 AM

IMO it means that YOU do what is necessary to be better for yourself.
Whether thats get a job, counseling. You work on recovering your self-esteem, boundaries, mental health. Those things are SOLELY your control.

You dont need HIS permission to build yourself esteem in what ever healthy ways you want.
You want to join a book club? Do it
You want to study mindefulness? Do it
You want to take a cooking class? Do it

For me...it meant having in place a safety plan. I finished my degree. I didnt ask. I looked at the calendar and made arrangements. I was considerate of his time but I didnt give up mine. I didnt prep dinner or cook when I got him. If he forget to do stuff..then he was late in the morning.

I put a line item in my personal budget...JUST FOR SHOES! ANd i buy my shoes.

WHen I am sad... I feel it and do things to cope. I don't wonder or worry about how MY feelings affect him.

WHen I am angry...I sit in it. I do not feel rushed to explain it way to avoid conflict.

I have worked hard at being in my own skin..with my feelings. I do not surrender that. And it has very little to do with him. His bullshit was definititly catalyst for it but now it not just how I interact with him. Its how I interact with everyone and situation in my life.

None of those things happened in a healthy and fulfilling way until I realized I didnt need his( OR ANYONES) approval or input on my journey.

Iwantmyglasses posted 6/14/2018 10:08 AM

Thank you. I have made many of these changes. One area I am lacking is my own goals.

My whole personality was tied to being a wife and a mother.

I’ve set some small goals for myself and achieved those.

However, I can see I need to continue to break free from certain constraints.

W3IRZ posted 6/14/2018 10:23 AM

Do NOT change who you are! I take pride in being a wife and mother. It is what I do best. However my expectations now are that my husband reciprocates the same amount of effort towards me. I’m not a door mat or servant. But I’m still a wonderful wife and mother. Maybe better because I expect my husband to be his best self too.

I did go back to school to pursue something for me that I had wanted to do. I had put it off for my family. I don’t recommend going back just to go back to school because it’s very expensive. Maybe instead find a hobby or take up an exercise pastime.

But please don’t become someone you’re not. Instead make your husband appreciate the wife and mother you are.

tiredofcrying59 posted 6/14/2018 10:37 AM

For myself, a lot of things that trigger me have had very little actual connection to his A. I have to deal with those things. For example, a route I take to one of the local grocery stores, just because it's close to his work where the A happened. Super triggery for me. But I take that route often and purposely so I can de-condition myself. If I need to I play my music loud, or say "fuck you!" out loud. lol

Because this is not new stuff happening. We can't change the past, but we can work to change how we experience it and try not to relive it over and over again. He can't really help with this. I must do it myself. What he DOES have to do is continue to be transparent and prove to me that not only is he a safe partner, but a better and more considerate partner than he was before. It was a deal breaker, but this is our new deal.

Hg65 posted 6/14/2018 10:44 AM

Simply put: You do you!

Focus on yourself. You don't need anyone else...

The saying, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

HouseOfPlane posted 6/14/2018 10:46 AM

Another way to look at it is, suppose you had your D-day and found out about the A, and then your WS got hit by a car crossing the street and was gone.

Who would help you heal then?

hikingout posted 6/14/2018 10:50 AM

I tied my entire world to wife and mother as well. While I am sure none of you will deal with that transition in the same way I did, looking down the road the children need you less and some of your identity becomes a question. It's a very difficult stage of life for us as women. I felt like I had been fired from the job of my dreams. I encourage you to keep finding those things that fuel your personal desires/passions that are separate from that role. As your kids need you less, you can build on them and it will be a much easier transition for you. I felt blindsided, lost, and depressed - a lot of my good feelings came from being with my children and doing things for my children. Looking back, I know it wouldn't have taken away those feelings but it would have made far less of a void.

Iwantmyglasses posted 6/14/2018 11:39 AM

Thank you for all of these perspectives.

W3–I loved taking care of my family. I was extremely proud of my family.

Tired of crying-I am sorry you have local triggers to deal with. I do not have any local triggers. We moved after the affair. The VAR is forced embedded in my mind. I could type out a transcript word for word two years later.

HG-I do not feel inferior at all. I feel more than superior. If I would say inferior on anything it would be staying with a cheater. This is an emotional ingrained response. This isn’t a logical, Been there done that response

Houseofplane. Good point. I travel a lot without my husband. Kids and I do a ton of stuff. I like to be away from him. Sometimes just seeing him is a constant reminder.

Hiking out-thank you for posting on my threads and thoughts. I like your perspective. Your input is appreciated. I also have seen many women have the same and similar reaction to their kids growing up that you did.

strugglebus posted 6/14/2018 12:04 PM

To echo hikingout, the goal of being a parent is to raise your kids to the point that they are independent humans capable of going through this world without constant assistance. Because of this, the role of mother changes and shifts.

My list of to-do's has shrank a bit every year and will only continue to do so as my kids continue to grow. They don't need me for their laundry or to put on their sunscreen or make their lunches. Each of these things being handled by them is a triumph for all of us. They don't need me for a lot these days but they still want me.

Mother now means still doing things they can't handle like ferrying them to doctor's appts, signing papers etc but more and more it is the "Mom wanna watch a movie?" or "Want to play this game?" or "Want to go get some coffee?" (my teen loves going to the coffee shop) or "Look at this funny animal video!" Want is edging out need and that is how it should be.

You will always be a mom. You can't change that even if you wanted to (but I know you wouldn't change it for the world) but it is only part of you. But you are also Glasses - fierce and fun and wonderful you. You have to invest in YOU. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to. Keep on smashing goals. Keep trying new things to see what you like and don't like.

Keep digging and see what you unearth in yourself because there is good stuff to be had!

harrybrown posted 6/14/2018 12:26 PM

I sure hop Sisson will post a reply.

stayedforthekids posted 6/14/2018 12:31 PM

I think that quote has to do with acceptance. I think that means honestly looking at your new reality. You have to realistically and honestly assess the gains and losses from the experience. It's not just your M either, it changes you and how you view the world and approach certain situations, etc. Betrayal hands you certain issues that need to be addressed. You have to process through all of those issues and feelings.

To authentically do this is a helluva lot harder than it sounds, in my experience anyway. It's much easier to rugsweep, blame the AP, blame your or your WS's FOO, or blame yourself for some shortcoming. I've been guilty of doing most of those myself. The problem with that is you'll always have that little itch at the back of your mind that nags you something is wrong. If you don't do the work to process through the issues or feelings and come to some degree of acceptance that itch never goes away.

swmnbc posted 6/14/2018 12:32 PM

I think that quote was to a BH whose wife is battling a life-threatening illness, so that context matters, but I do also think that we can and should heal from infidelity even if our spouse is not meeting our needs or where we'd like them to be.

I would focus on EMDR, tapping, meditation, journaling, etc. Think of the pain as steam that needs to be released little by little. Give it over to love or God. Surround yourself with messages about your worth, about being comforted, about being connected with the human family.

Iwantmyglasses posted 6/14/2018 12:41 PM

If you don't do the work to process through the issues or feelings and come to some degree of acceptance that itch never goes away.

I agree. Your statement is echoing Sisson’s statement.

A few months ago, I posted about an incident of purposely starting a fight with my husband regarding his “connection”. I did it again two nights ago.

My hubsand actually said something similar to what you and Sisson are stating. He is doing all he can. I agree with this.

Anyway, today I had to go to an old computer. It had all of our texts from 2016 on it. I was able to read the texts between us before DD and after DD.

There is a recurring theme in those and even today. “he doesn’t get what he did” I see this same topic for so many of us. It comes back to something I read here at the beginning of this journey. “Of course they don’t get it.; it didn’t happen to them”.

Is that why we come to SI? To be with people who get it?

Is part of the acceptance understanding that he won’t get it? And if so, doesn’t he have a responsibility to understand that he will never get how I feel?

I also feel it’s harder for me to “move on” because I have nothing else to focus on. I sound like a loser when I type this.

I can see how a gratitude journal will help with this.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 12:42 PM, June 14th (Thursday)]

swmnbc posted 6/14/2018 12:48 PM

I also feel it’s harder for me to “move on” because I have nothing else to focus on. I sound like a loser when I type this.

I can see how a gratitude journal will help with this.

Hello, welcome to my life. I'm a SAHM with two kids in school all day, and I can't work because I have chronic fatigue. So yeah, it makes sense that I have a lot of time to be on SI, which maybe means I was already thinking about the affair, or maybe makes me think more about the affair than I would have otherwise. Hmmm.

Absolutely I do better when I am focused and engaged with other things. I have sought out what I can given my limitations. Is there something you can pour your energy into just for you? Not kid related or wife related?

A lot of healing has come coincidentally because I've done a program for healing from chronic illness. It's a lot of meditation and calming of one's spirit (the idea being that I am stuck in a chronic stress loop). I didn't realize how powerful it is to treat meditation like exercise something you need to make part of your daily routine. At first it feels like a chore, then it becomes more second-nature.

Lazarus posted 6/14/2018 13:01 PM

Another way to look at it is, suppose you had your D-day and found out about the A, and then your WS got hit by a car crossing the street and was gone.
Who would help you heal then?

I think that would have healed me.

tiredofcrying59 posted 6/14/2018 13:14 PM

Lazarus, LOL OMG. Hilarious.

Glasses, I pursued more of my hobbies and even started a couple new ones in order to fill up some of my "think time". Too much dwelling was a real issue for me, because I am an overthinker and I can twist myself in knots with no outside stimulus whatsoever. I really started trying to improve with my guitar/ukulele playing, and I volunteer to help other people with planning and prepping for parties, etc. Keeping busy is pretty important for me.

Not to keep from thinking about it at all, but to keep from obsessing. And now it's not as painful just in general (most days). Of course everyone has a bad day or a trigger that derails them temporarily. The key is- temporarily.

tushnurse posted 6/14/2018 13:23 PM

Simply put, it's up to you to heal you. Not your spouse.
Your spouse can do things to make it easier for you to heal you, but your spouse cannot heal you. You have to do it for yourself.

sisoon posted 6/14/2018 14:22 PM

I'm not sure what will help, so I'll throw a lot into this post and hope something comes close to what you need.

************************************

I think what follows is almost all metaphor. I use the ones I learned from therapists that I admire. (I've been in therapy and I've attended numerous conferences with my W, professional for her, interesting for me.)

If my metaphors don't connect for you, you just have to find metaphors that will.

************************************

The way I look at the post A, post d-day experience is that immense amounts of grief and anger and lesser amounts of fear and shame were dumped on me. Those emotions/feelings came into my body. They became my feelings - even though I didn't 'cause' them or choose them.

Objectively speaking, my partner had abandoned me. She withdrew love. It was natural to feel as bad as I did. But human beings can heal, and I'm human, so I can heal.

Based on my previous experience with therapy, I 'knew' I had to process those feelings out of my body as much as possible or risk having them come out at bad times in nasty ways.

IOW, the feelings that came before and on d-day became my problem to deal with. I didn't cause them, but I had to deal with them. My W could give me emotional support, but she couldn't do my work.

Anger

A former therapist used to tell me that anger is just a desire for something to be different. She taught me to process anger this way:

1) Some things can't be changed. For example, my W conducted an A. When I'm angry about that sort of thing, the way out is to self-nurture/self-soothe with the goal of just plain giving up the anger.

2) Some things can be changed, but action is necessary to effect the change. For example, W lied during her A; I decided there would be no R unless she committed to no more lies (Thanks, SI!). I can resolve that type of anger by taking action or, if I don't want to act, by just plain letting it go.

Grief

I learned to feel the grief. I let my body take over and let the grief flow - sometimes crying, sometimes shaking, sometimes just feeling sad.

Fear & Shame

Self-nurturing/self-soothing/self-talk is necessary to resolve these feelings, IMO. One can ask for support, for the cure comes down to self-talk.

*********************************

I guess, at a higher level of abstraction, releasing feelings is a matter of accepting them and feeling them - letting them course through one's body.

**********************************

Believe me, I know that can be a scary prospect. The feelings of being betrayed are overwhelming at first, and I certainly felt I'd never process them out. I just kept going, and that's what I recommend to others.

Real feelings are relatively fleeting - the vast majority come and go very quickly, but those at the long end of the bell curve can last a long time. WRT to releasing the feelings from being betrayed, most of the releases go pretty quickly, too.

You've got to take some of this on faith - if you keep feeling your feelings, you will release them forever. You might feel like they keep coming back, but the 'returning' feelings are really newly discovered ones.

************************************

The nasty feelings can't be completely processed out, because our brains apparently won't let us. But IME they diminish to the point of being annoyances.

Unless you trigger a feeling. Anything can do it - but triggers are, IMO, just newly found pain ready to be released.

*************************************

I admit that I've used myself as an example here and that I'm projecting that experience as relevant to more than me.

I do that because of the disclaimers at the start and because my experience, as I understand it, is consistent with lots of writing in humanistic psychology.

I'll close with:

YMMV, and

I hope I haven't said anything that is too easily misinterpreted.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:27 PM, June 14th (Thursday)]

twisted posted 6/14/2018 14:39 PM

I guess, at a higher level of abstraction, releasing feelings is a matter of accepting them and feeling them - letting them course through one's body.

I like this one.

I was trying to help a neighbor find a grip on some hard times in her life, so I asked to pretend I was an alien from another planet, had never met a human, and for her to tell me who she was.

Where one starts out, whether it be a physical description, or how nice or smart you are, etc. somewhat tells you what this person sees as their most important attributes or problems. It's a lesson in self realization and self awareness. You have to take the time to objectively define who and what you are, to yourself. Getting that abstract view, as sisoon puts it, standing back and looking at yourself begins to put everything in a different perspective.