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My own Brother, That cant be normal.

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BMW77 posted 6/19/2018 13:30 PM

I am completely amazed that there is a forum this type of stuff and even more profoundly disgusted that this happens to some many people. I found out that my brother and "she" were having an affair on the 9th while we were out of town on vacation. I walked outside the bar after playing a game of pool and caught them kissing. I walked back inside in total shock and I had no idea what was going on or even what to do. Two days later I finally blew my top. I left him in DE. and went back home. I still dont know how to feel. All I know is IM hurt, confused, complete chaos, sorry. I see them in my dreams and cant sleep well, and the vision I have are horrible. We are working through it but it is not easy. That is all for now.

Freeme posted 6/19/2018 13:44 PM

An affair with your brother is big. It's a double betrayal. How is your WW acting now? Do you have kids? How long have you been married? Have you told family? Is your brother married? does his wife know?

There are others on this site that have been through something similar. Its hard to post advice with such little information. To have betrayed you with a family member your WW should be doing everything to help your pain and help you heal... don't promise to reconcile too quickly.

I'd get started by reading the healing library link located on the left of the screen.

brokendreamer posted 6/19/2018 13:46 PM

Im sorry but I am a little confused by your post. You say your brother and 'she' were having an affair, who is 'she'? You say you left 'him' in DE, who is 'him'?

Are you in a lesbian relationship? or do you mean you left your brother in DE. Please excuse me if I am being a bit thick, but I am unsure who you are talking about. Could you possible offer a little more clarification as I would like to support you while youre hurting.

Western posted 6/19/2018 13:58 PM

did they see you catch them ?

Did you confront then ?

How did you manage two days without losing it ? How did you 'act it away' ?

Why are you working through it so fast ?

Kids ? How long have you been married ?

As Brokendreamer asked, is this a same sex relationship ?

Starzen posted 6/19/2018 13:59 PM

Oh BMW, I'm so sorry. There are many resources on this site and much wisdom here. Utilize them as you are ready. Sending you comfort in this trying time.

BMW77 posted 6/19/2018 14:58 PM

We have been together for five years. Two Children. "Him" is my brother and She is suppose to have been with me. There is no lesbian or gay stuff going on. Yes I did leave him in DE. 13 hours from home.

NoMercy posted 6/19/2018 15:41 PM

So 'she' is your domestic partner and mother of your kids.

Your post WAS confusing, brokendreamer isn't the only one that was scratching her head.

Be very very careful because your WS (wayward spouse) will likely try to play herself off as the victim and your brother the big, bad predator who rendered her powerless and sucked her into his vortex against her will.

I see it done by cheaters in stories here ALL the time. Sadly, the BS (betrayed spouse) falls for this pile of bull and the next thing you know, the BS and their cheater are teaming up in 'unity' against the big, bad affair partner who caused this WHOLE mess and defiled your innocent partner, who is really a victim!

Cheaters do this to get your anger and disgust off of their shoulders and aimed at someone else's. And you bond in that unity. Suddenly, your brother will be the 'enemy' who needs to be banned from your life and you and your partner will be his innocent victims. See how that works? Your brother is evil and your wife is on your 'side.'

The ONLY victim here is you.

So watch out for that ploy because it's likely coming.

Here's the TRUTH.

The TWO of them have dug a crawlspace under their lowest point in life.

Not just him.

BOTH of them.

I'm sorry you had to join our club.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 3:47 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)]

Skan posted 6/19/2018 16:13 PM

Hello BMW77, and welcome. I'm glad that, since you had the need, you found us.

As has been suggested previously, please do read The Healing Library. You can find that link on the Forums page, in the yellow box at the top left by Dr. Phil. There is a lot of good information in there for you written by experienced people. There is also a thread in the I Can Relate forum for double betrayals, which is what you have experienced (link: You'll find, unfortunately, that you are not alone in this type of betrayal.

The decision by both your WS (Wayward Spouse, the one who cheats, the abbreviations are in The Healing Library) and her AP (Affair Partner), your brother to betray you are all, 100% on them. This wasn't a mistake, it wasn't an oopsie, it was a decision that was made choice by choice as they walked themselves down infidelity lane. At any point, one of them could and should have jumped off of that path but they chose not to. All, 100% on them.

BTW, in my personal opinion, good job on stranding the AP.

Right now, the most important thing is to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of your kids. Kind of like the airplane oxygen mask drill. You can't take care of them if you don't take care of yourself first. Please know that everything that you're feeling right now, is normal. You may feel as if you're going crazy, and that is normal. Your body, mind, spirit, is dealing with a crushing load of shock and trauma. It is as if you were hit by a bus, which then backed over you as well. You're lying in the street, crushed, in shock, and knowing somewhere in your lizard brain that more pain is to come. That's normal.

Keep posting for support. We're all here for you.

LivingWithPain posted 6/19/2018 17:27 PM

That's an awful story. Have you asked her the extent of the affair? was it just kissing or a full-blown physical affair?

The1stWife posted 6/19/2018 18:16 PM

What is wrong with your brother?

How is your family supposed to celebrate the holidays and visit or vacation together?

What an idiot!!!! He has destroyed more than just your relationship - he has destroyed your family, your relationship with him etc.

Idiot!!!! He is an idiot!

MidnightRun posted 6/19/2018 18:47 PM

That's some sick shit.

How in the hell are you 'working' it out?

MrMagnolia posted 6/19/2018 20:08 PM


There's a thread for double betrayed you should check out in the I Can Relate Forum. Your situation is terrible and I feel for you but there are others who have been through similar things and in JFO we've all been betrayed and know the pain it can bring.

There are many resources here to help you one of which is this board and the responses that come along with it. I would encourage you to write out a bit more of your story when you have the time to help others understand so that we might be able to help you. I noticed when you said "she" the way you did in your post. It's tough to even put the words together sometimes because of the pain and say who it is that hurt you. It's hard to believe this now I know but you'll get there.

Please take some time to exercise, be with your kids, eat a good meal, drink some water, and get some rest.

Keep posting and hang in there,

allusions posted 6/20/2018 10:17 AM

I believe DE=Delaware

BMW77 posted 6/20/2018 11:03 AM

Yes, my WS is is pushing the blame back onto to me, my brother and herself. I do feel like I caused this though. I am so driven that I feel that I made this happen. I apologize over and over but I still feel betrayed and hurt all at the same time. I dont know how long it has been going on. Maybe three weeks or so. I am pretty sure they slept with each other but I cant handle and dont want to know the details. It makes me physically sick. I want to work this out and we are doing well. But I need her to stop putting the blame on me. I know I was the cause but she and him took it another level. There had to have been another way. Now she says she is torn between us but chooses to be with me because she does love me and our life. She just wanted the man she fell in love with back.
Now that I look back I think I knew subconsciously something was going on. There are things I should have recognized or seen. Plus She tried to tell me in certain ways but i didn't hear her and I cant read minds. I wish she would have just come out and told me what he was up to before she finally sub-come to it.

beenthereinco posted 6/20/2018 11:07 AM

Please do not take the responsibility for this betrayal. This is not your fault. Both your WW and your Brother have 100% of the blame. Do not let them put this on you. You cannot live like that with her.

What does that mean that you "caused" this? Can you elaborate on that?

lieshurt posted 6/20/2018 11:57 AM

we are doing well. But I need her to stop putting the blame on me.

If she is blaming you, then you aren't doing well. You cannot reconcile with somebody who won't accept responsibility for their choice to cheat.

I know I was the cause

YOU didn't cause anything. There may have been issues within the relationship, but they didn't CAUSE anybody to cheat. She made that choice on her own. Please do not take ownership of her choice to cheat.

Freeme posted 6/20/2018 12:06 PM

You can say - I will take 50% of the blame for problems in the marriage but the affair (with my BROTHER) is 100% on you.

Yea, I have to know what she says that you did that would deserve her screwing around with your brother. I'm guessing it's something like... you weren't paying enough attention to me...

You are not doing well. The fact that she would say "I'm torn but I choose you"... is so wrong. She cheated on you with your brother. You get to choose if YOU want HER back. Please write out the whole story. You will get great advice on how to turn this around. You can't get back together unless she is full of remorse and it doesn't sound like she is. It sounds like she is pushing blame on everyone else and eating the ego kibbles that come with having two men fight over her.

brokendreamer posted 6/20/2018 12:35 PM

Hi BMW77 and thank you for clarifying that, all makes sense now to this somewhat addled mind of late

Wow my heart goes out to you, that is one heck of a betrayal, a double whammy to say the least, hugs to you.

I do not blame you for being shocked, hurt, disgusted etc, there are certain lines that should never be crossed and this is up there in the top bracket!

Please post here and talk it through, you will find so much support and good advice, kindness and friendly listening ears, this community has been a lifeline for so many in distress, myself included.

When you feel ready, can you update us so people can help support and advise you. Is your wife back home with you now as you mention that you are working through it? what has happened since that night when you left him in DE? did you leave her there too or did she travel home with you?

You must be reeling right now, i don't want to insult you by saying I can even begin to understand how you must be feeling, bless your heart, I am angry for you! I am appalled as such disloyalty and betrayal.

I am confident that there must be someone on here who can offer a reply based on a similar experience or knowledge of one, so keep posting.

In the meantime, it is important that you allow yourself the time and space to absorb such a shock. It might be an idea to go see your GP and get some medication to help you through this initial stage, sleep eludes a troubled mind and you need your strength. concentrate on getting through one day at a time and lean on friends and family to help you through. I have no idea whether you have told the rest of your family, but hopefully they will rally round you. Be prepared for them to be hurt and shocked too, it is possible that initially they may find it hard to believe, this again is a natural reaction, they will cling on to the hope that you are mistaken or misjudged the situation, so be prepared if that happens.

I am so very sorry for what you are going through, it is going to take time to process, just dont be tempted to sweep it under the rug. You have a lot of hard work to do in order to establish successful reconciliation, but with enough love and desire to get through it, you can in time.

best wishes

harrybrown posted 6/20/2018 12:53 PM

she should blame herself and not you.

has she written a timeline for you?

has she stopped all contact with your brother?

have you told your parents and her parents?

is this her first and only affair?

time to get some answers.

Start the 180. This is not your fault. it is her fault.

LivingWithPain posted 6/20/2018 14:44 PM

Her screwing your brother was her decision and her's alone. Do not take responsibility for it. Nothing you did was deserving of this magnitude of betrayal.

Your WW is not sorry, not one bit. She should be on her knees begging your forgiveness.

How can you even try reconciliation if you do not know the extent of the affair? That doesn't make any sense. Would you make a business decision without all the facts and figures in front of you? Of course not. Reconciling a marriage is no difference.

If I were you I'd kick her sorry butt out of the house until she changed her tune.

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