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How many of you BS have threatened divorce numerous times during your WS affair, whether affair was short term or long term, did not pursue the divorce threats and when you finally filed for divorce, how did your WS react?

As a personal principal, I never threaten what I am not prepared to follow through on. I don't believe in hollow threats to manipulate a desired outcome. Thus, I never threatened D. When I was done, I simply told him matter-of-factly that we WERE divorcing. No threats, just fact. And I followed through.

ETA: Along the same thought, I do not make promises I am unwilling or unable to keep. I had told Xhole numerous times over the year that if there was ever any adultery in our marriage, I would divorce him (these discussions would come up when, say, we found out a married friend was cheating, for example). That was my promise, my word (and I was raised to believe your word is your honor), and when I discovered the cheating, I never had any hesitation to D, nor should it have ever been a surprise to Xhole (don't know if it was because I never asked, didn't care).

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:00 PM, June 24th (Sunday)]

I kicked WH out when I confronted him about his EA. This was after DDay, but before he and OW were supposed to meet.

WH was out of the house for about a week and I let him move back in and sleep downstairs. But I told him I wanted a divorce for other reasons (he was jobless and not looking, didn’t spend time with the kids even though he was SAH dad. Plus the A on top of everything else). I told him he wanted nice things like a family and home but wasn’t willing to work for them so they would go away.

I wasn’t making a threat; I was dead-on serious. In fact, DDay was a relief in a way because I felt I had an excuse to shed his dead weight. WH turned things around immediately after that.

I have to admit, I was the same as Phoenix1.

STBXH walked out the door with the old ILYBINILWY line, having had separation finances and legal matters all secretly pre-sorted. Then he came back begging forgiveness, denying OW (hahaha). I took him back. However once I learnt about the A, he was gone. That turned out to be my red line in the sand (not just the infidelity, but the emotional abuse and lying that went with it). I went pretty hard NC, but in one lapse he expressed astonishment that I was even raising the topic of D, since it "hadn't crossed his mind".

I have no idea why leaving your wife for an OW and deciding how you're going to dispose of finances and house doesn't make you think of D, but there you go.

I’m sorry tapered but I was like Phoenix1 and worldofpotential. After my WW’s ONS we separated and a few weeks later I filed for D and had her served. She was furious that I had filed without talking to her, but she knew why I had filed. It turned out that being served for D was the impetus for my WW to make massive changes in her life and attitude and five months after DDay she tracked me down and convinced me to give us another try.

I don’t believe in giving threats. If you don’t follow thru with the consequences then it just gives the other person the sense that you are not serious and they can dismiss you.

Threats are merely a manipulation tactic that's gets you nothing long term.

And if it's an idle threat it just puts you in a worse position.

Make a firm decision and you will get somewhere.

I'm with Phoenix1. Never mentioned D until I actually moved forward with it.

The old saying, there is a difference between a promise and a threat. A threat is a manipulative tool, a promise is telling what the consequences will be if the actions continue.

I never threatened D, but had told stbxWH#2 if he had another A, we were done. This was not a threat, but a promise.

Of course, the serial cheater had yet another A (while keeping OW#1 (or is it 100?) ) and I was done and told him so. He still thinks I'm not serious. I wouldn't let him back in the house and I went NC, and am saving money for a lawyer so I can finally serve him.

I never threatened D. I never told him I filed either. He found out when he was served and had the audacity to be shocked. Then he got angry, really angry. I couldn't have cared any less because I was done. But I was still heartbroken. I didn't want a D, but I refused to stay M to a man so worthless an no class that he was shacking up with a whore.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:05 PM, June 24th (Sunday)]

They say it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. I definitely tried and failed more than once. I threatened divorce many times and kicked him out twice during our extensive false R. He was shocked when I finally left (found a place to rent and left while he was at work instead of kicking him out)and was probably even more surprised when he was served with papers because I was still in contact and fully trauma bonded at the time. I just finally reached my breaking point.

I threatened divorce at least 4 times in the span of his four years of his ongoing affair. I couldn’t go through with it the first couple of times because my younger son had an emotional breakdown and the other couple of times, I was not ready. I said it out of anger/fury. I have retained a family law attorney as of June 8, paid my retainer fees, divorce court fees to them. The female attorney interviewed me, asked about general information. As of now, I am waiting to hear back from her and the head attorney of the firm, something to do with strategic planning. My WS does not know I have retained an attorney. I believe AP has had financial gains from her relationship with my WS. In California, they couldn’t care less, I think, how many affairs you’ve had, it’s the financial aspect that matters.

I was wondering how did your WS react when they were served? Were they even sorry about the affair? Did they end up with their AP and happy??

I was wondering how did your WS react when they were served?

He wasn't served. I just mailed him the papers to sign because he was expecting them (he had moved to another state with Twatbox). His reaction when I told him we were getting a divorce? Pretty much the equivalent facial expression as a shrug of his shoulders. Apparently couldn't care less.

Were they even sorry about the affair?

Not in the slightest. Just sorry he was caught and his perfect double life was blown apart. I think someone needs a conscience to feel sorry/guilt/remorse, and Xhole has a huge, gaping black hole where his conscience should be.

Did they end up with their AP and happy??

This one just makes me chuckle. Yes, he moved in immediately with Twatbox when I kicked him out. Then they moved with their demon spawn OC to another state. I'm sure he was happy with his insta-family to immediately replace ours with, but it was short-lived. Twatbox up and left him in secrecy while he was at work six months later. She moved to yet another state (California, in fact) and proceeded to file a paternity suit against him. His immediate happiness was soon crashing despair. It was funny as hell (for me) to watch him crash and burn in an epic way, especially since he thought he was walking away from our family into what he thought was a beautiful sunset with insta-family.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 5:23 PM, June 24th (Sunday)]

To Phoenix1, I’m sorry for the break up of your marriage (for you and your children). I hope you and your children are in a better place now. When my WS and I divorce, WS will have 5 new stepchildren ranging in age from 12 to 31. AP has 2 from first marriage, age 29 and 31 and 3 from second partner, ages 12, 17, and almost 20. I believe AP children likes my WS because he has been generous to all of them, hopefully it can be proven during financial disclosures during divorce.

Was he sorry? Nope, he couldn't be happier when he was replacing me with his no class option.

Did he regret it later? Yes and no. No, not for at least a year. Yes, his life has gotten much harder because Shrek doesn't have spare brain cells and completely incapable of doing all that I did for his career, etc. However, he didn't, nor does, miss me. He only misses how useful I was to him.

As I stated earlier, he was furious. But it wasn't because he was losing me, but because he no longer had a back up plan if things went South with Shrek. How dare I expect him to actually love, honor, and cherish me.

Looking back, I am so grateful he's out of my life. I can see more clearly, with time and distance, that I'm so much better off without that POS dragging me down with him. Of course, that's not how I felt at the time, but distance brought clarity.

If your STBX had a several years long affair, you're better off without the loser too. You may not see it yet, but you will.

Thank you StillLivin. I know in my heart that I am better off without WS. He has not admitted to affair, has not apologized, or shown any remorse. WS will probably be furious when he gets served. I told him recently that I was filing for divorce (5th time). He probably thought, “not again.”

Sometimes I think that maybe WS and AP are just so in love, I’m hindering them from their happiness. My MIL and Sister-in-law had affairs. MIL was married to her AP (3rd husband) for 10 years then divorce and my sister-in-law is still married to her AP (3rd husband) for 10 years now.

It will take a while before you get to where you need to be. And that's ok. You need to not only grieve the death of your marriage, but process it too. It takes time to let go of all your hopes, plans, and dreams you had as your future with your STBX. Then you have to pick up the pieces and make a new set of hopes, plans, and dreams. That isn't an easy feat.

Some do come crawling back, but most times it's not because they are genuinely remorseful and love us, but because we were the better, more convenient option...and plan B when their A plan fell to shit. You don't deserve to be some POS asswholes plan B. Let that whore have him. Hell wrap him up and put a bow on him for her. She did you a huge favor. In time, you will heal and love yourself so much that you will never deal with all the BS you put up with before. All she gets is a worthless cheater. I posted a thread about karma. Eventually they become miserable, especially if they do end up staying together. The beautiful thing about that is by the time karma bites them in the ass, you won't even care.

Be kind to yourself. As you heal, start making new plans. There is so much life to live. Do things you always wanted to, travel, take classes, get a few hobbies. It gets better. Promise.

Thank you. I know “there is a light at the end of the tunnel.” I will do my best to follow your advice.

Threatening and not following through when the WS continues their bad behaviors is just being the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

The WS learns (from the BS) that the words have no meaning so the WS can continue doing what they are doing without fear of repercussions.

Some WSs need to learn that actions have consequences.

BTDT...When I did give my (now)ex the papers, she did not like that one iota. It crashed her entitlement world. Four years later, she still doesn't like it. But...that's why we are divorced.

My wayward husband has threatened ME with divorce again and again whenever his frustration has become too great. This means whenever the process isn't meeting his expectations. It's an abuse tactic that he's bludgeoned me with repeatedly, which is really just a way of saying that he used the affair and the resultant horror that it wrought on me, as a weapon and he's continued it for the past five years of supposed R. We are now going to see a mediator. I'm done. This person has literally destroyed every aspect of my life for going on 26 years and he has no intention of stopping, but he's getting his wish now. Threatening divorce will eventually lead to divorce. That may be what you need to do.

Actually, I, the BS was the one that made the threats of divorce, but did not pursue it, therefore allowing WS to continue his bad behavior. WS and I are civil to each other, but do not discuss the future together, no plans like we used to do before. I have retained an attorney, paid retainer fees, divorce fees, interviewed by attorney. I am waiting for them to call me back again. Something to do with strategic planning. I know affair is ongoing/underground. WS does not know that I have retained an attorney.