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Unexpected discovery

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confused1976 posted 7/19/2018 20:45 PM

I'm writing because I discovered something that I really don't know how to interpret or how to determine whether it is a significant finding or something benign. My wife and I have been married 23 yrs, we have two great children who are in college and are in great physical health. My wife is beautiful, intelligent and looks a lot younger than her age, as do I. Now to the problem, last week my wife and I traveled to her familial home to clean it up for selling. My wife's father had remarried at the age of 83 and was moving to Florida. We had been up to my wife's house the month before for the reception and had been planning these trips for several months, although she insisted that for this last trip that I probably didn't need to come. I knew better, the place was a total disaster and really needed as many helpers as possible.

Here is the problem, on the car trip up I answered one of my wife's text message from our kids, and in doing so I found that she had been communicating with some guy name M***. I had no clue who this guy was at the time, but it turned out to be a friend from college who lives in the area where she grew up, which by the way is 12 hrs from our house. Later, I quickly read the conversation, it seemed pretty innocent and appeared to center around potential meeting at a bar some time over the course of our stay. My wife's reply made it completely clear, in some cases almost awkwardly so, that I was coming along. She kept reinforcing this idea in each of her replies but it didn't seem to bother him. Then I scrolled up and saw that the conversation actually started months early and even included an invite to a rock concert- he had an extra ticket- of course he insisted that my wife get my approval. It was all news to me, I never heard of any of this. I was surprised by the extensive text conversation and discovering that they met the previous year at a bar when she was visiting her father. What bothers me most is the realization that she kept the whole conversation secret from me even though she was mentioning me by name. I was weirded out. Later, I logged onto her Facebook page and found more texting, in one text M*** professed love for my wife the day before her birthday - this was six months after the bar visit. I didn't have enough time to search more thoroughly, I don't use social media and felt bad for snooping, even though this information seems somewhat inappropriate. I was shocked. I looked around the Internet, mostly through his Facebook page and my wife's page just browsing and found that they have a fairly extensive public sharing of likes- mostly her selfies and smiley face emojis- in one set of messages there was even the original arrangement to meet at the bar -- with my wife saying something like' how about 4, the usually time'. Which is weird because, we live 12 hours away- what is usual.

Now, I trust my wife, she has had to make many trips to her family's house, but I never even heard of this guy until last week. So my question is this, does this sound like a something that could be problem? To be honest I have been suspecting that she may be involved in something for several reasons, our intimate life has dwindled in the past 15 years. Once, maybe twice a month and she never initiates anything. There is never any special occasion intimacy-- no anniversary, holiday, vacation, or birthday sex. I try, but she usually finds some excuse, usually an upset stomach from dinner. When we are intimate she rushes the whole process to the point that it is almost unenjoyable. She tells me to hurry up and it is straight vanilla, nothing else, I am not allowed to touch or kiss her anythwhere except on her face and neck; she never kisses me back. Outside the bedroom She is rarely affectionate, but this is who she has become. I have read that being a mother does stuff to a woman's body and I can except this although I am bothered by this. I chalked this up to getting older and have children, although I hoped things would get better once they left for school.
Occasionally, I have thought that she may have a lover, but we work at the same place and rarely spends time alone there. Outside work we spend most of our time at home and she doesn't have too many social outlets, except work. She does travel more than I do but never near her text friend.
I know this sounds like denial, but I couldn't find any evidence that she was messing around with anyone around here. Lately - especially in the past few months, my wife has become a strangely distance at times, but then sometimes she seems perfectly normal. I am just confused. I never heard so emotional affairs until I found that text and never supsected that she could be engaged with someone over her phone. She is on her cell phone all the time- so it makes sense. From what I gather, M*** has recently been divorced, so maybe he is just seeking sympathy. My wife and he were apparently good friends at college - another friend called her Hermione of their group in one Facebook post. I don't know what this means. I don't know if my wife and these guys were just friends, boyfriends, friends with benifitis- honestly i don't care, except for now. What I am asking the forum is how might I find more conclusive evidence one way or another regarding my wife fidelity. Should I? I could just ask her, but With all of the clandestine activity I think she would tell me to mind my own business- she has done this before or claim that he is just an friend. Since I found this text and the other information, she has been acting strangely. So again, I think something may be up. But this is conjecture. And she just cleared out her family 's home in which she was raised. I don't know. When my wife is guilty/upset she is more receptive to romantic overturns and since I found this text, we have had more intimacy than we have had in months. Since the discovery, she also has been leaving her phone around- unguarded and unlocked, which again is totally weird. I haven't looked at it again, Basically I am making myself crazy, think that this is something real or just something I am imagining. I looked on the Internet and read all sorts of stories. But I think I need more evidence. What else can I do to figure this out? One concern that I have is that next week she leaves for a professional conference, again, it is in a completely different part of the country, more than a two days' drive from where this guys lives- but should I worry about him tagging along. Do I try to bug her luggage with a listening devise or do somthing to her phone to spy on her. Do I try to find more infomation on her phone? Is there something I should look for specifically? Unfortunately, I am a complete Luddite and don't own a phone and I don't want to break something or destroy information that would be conclusive.

Butforthegrace posted 7/19/2018 21:01 PM

Keep quiet to your wife about your thoughts. Gather information. If you're a Luddite, hire a PI to help you with the process.

This may necessitate letting your wife take a couple of solo trips to the parental home.

trojan007 posted 7/19/2018 21:23 PM

She is having an affair and most likely is physical definitely. You need to get a VAR (Voice activated recorder) put one in her car and one in the house where do you think she will do most of her talking when sheís alone or whatever when sheís on her phone. Better yet if you have the money hire a PI if you donít I would show up on that trip go to her room and find out yourself.! Go make an appointment with an attorney and file for divorce does it mean you have to divorce her, but it gives you some of power and snap her out of her affair. By the way trying not to second guess us everybody here has been or is going through what you are going through. Do never tell her where you got your evidence from ever.!

Marz posted 7/19/2018 21:41 PM

You have more than enough evidence. You are in denial.

It's secretive and her other man can drive or catch a flight anywhere.

She's keeping this hidden for a reason.

You need to wake up immediately

Ponus18 posted 7/19/2018 21:52 PM

I would use a VAR and if money is no object hire a PI. You can also use Dr Fone - it sounds like sheís deleted the incriminating messages and is leaving her cell phone around and unlocked to throw you off the trail.

I would NOT confront her until you have evidence. No matter what you find never reveal your sources.

I hope I am wrong but it does sound like it is likely she has been having an affair.

Yes, you must find out the truth. Unless you are willing to share your wife with another man.

Good luck and stay strong.

pureheartkit posted 7/19/2018 22:02 PM

Oh this is sad. No, having kids doesn't turn you away from your husband. People do lose interest in sex sometimes. It can be mental or lack of hormones or stress. What worries me too is she isn't affectionate in general as well. It's a sad marriage for you both.

Strange to me that she leaves her phone around if she's in an A. Does she think you can't or won't look or she's overconfident or past caring if she gets found out?

Too bad she never talked with you about what's been pushing you apart. Do you try to make her feel special other times. Some women really need that to build the emotional connection before they give of themselves intimately. Are there other resentments that could be cleared up? This comes up again and again. One person loses interest and it's not resolved. Along comes another person with honey words and gets the interest going again.

If it's not an A, I hope you can find out from her why she's pulled away. It's hurt feelings of some sort then she needs to tell you. If somethings become a turn off, she's got to let you know. There is some reason, she feels it otherwise it's chemistry imbalance. Still, her coolness towards you would suggest to me that something unspoken is the cause.

LuckierThanMost posted 7/19/2018 22:31 PM

Sheís leaving her phone in the open because she has a burner phone hidden somewhere that she is using now that she knows you look at her phone. Look for that burner phone. Get going with a VAR asap.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 7/19/2018 22:36 PM

She is definitely having an affair.

Smillie posted 7/20/2018 00:07 AM

She might be having an affair. The change in sexual intimacy and the aloof behaviour are red flags. It might not be with the guy you think. As others have suggested you should put a VAR in her car. Make sure you secure it propely because I have read so many stories about the VAR coming loose and being found. You have access to her phone so I think you should try message recovery software like Dr Fone. A business trip is the perfect cover for an affair so you should maybe consider a P.I to follow her on this next trip.

Also what LuckierThanMost said......Burner phone.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:11 AM, July 20th (Friday)]

OneInTheSame posted 7/20/2018 00:14 AM

. . . how about 4, the usual time?

This. This would be enough for me to believe there have been many meetings ... and most likely more. I am so sorry. I would be saving any evidence you can as you gather more. And yes, a P.I. Is a good idea. Your story seems to have long-term affair written all over it.

MidnightRun posted 7/20/2018 06:11 AM

The ususual time...

Yep, she's deep in it.

She's probably screwing the guy on each visit.

She's lovey-dovey now because you're on to her.

Dr. Phone. Check credit card statements. Check for burner phone. Get more info on M, then hire
PI for her planned trip.

manfromlamancha posted 7/20/2018 07:59 AM

I agree with the others here. This is definitely an affair - maybe more emotional than physical but the evidence does suggest they had plenty of opportunity to get physical. Add to this the drop in sex, lack of initiation of sex, the hiding of these conversations and you would have to be in strong denial to not see this.

What is important is what you do next. Do not tip your hand or ever reveal your sources. VARs as others have suggested will help as will a PI.

Be careful and start getting ready (contact an attorney).

annb posted 7/20/2018 08:34 AM

If all of a sudden she's leaving her phone lying around to be transparent, more than likely she has a burner phone.

I'd search her car, her closets, drawers, the garage, anywhere she might keep it hidden.

This guy could be meeting her when she is traveling for business. It's the easiest way to have an affair without getting caught.


[This message edited by annb at 8:37 AM, July 20th (Friday)]

badmemory posted 7/20/2018 09:17 AM

She's likely having an affair and if you follow the advice here, you'll catch her if she is. And you don't need to feel guilty for snooping with that many red flags. I would recommend:

1- Don't confront her until you have solid proof.

2- Look everywhere for a possible burner phone.

3- Monitor your cell phone records to see how often, how long and what time of day she's calling him.

4- Put a GPS tracker and VAR in her car.

5- Install spyware on her phone to see what she's texting in real time. It will record the texts even if she deletes them.

If she is cheating, that ought to do it.

DevastatedMe posted 7/20/2018 09:43 AM

Side question ...

5- Install spyware on her phone to see what she's texting in real time. It will record the texts even if she deletes them.

What is this? Does it just track texts or calls as well? How do you install this on a phone? Will the person know this is on their phone?

If on an iPhone, does anyone know if you can record a telephone conversation?

Sorry for the hijack of your thread, confused! Iím also new here and still figuring out this site and where I should post what! Iím sorry you are new here as well ... wish none of us needed this resource! :(

confused1976 posted 7/20/2018 10:29 AM

Thanks everyone -- your advise helps. In summary it appears clear to many that my wife is engaged in some sort of extramarital affair. I suspected something amiss -- I got to admire her somewhat -- if this is true she is so completely and efficiently sinister that I am amazed; she was completely seamless in her demeanor this morning at breakfast -- nothing about her mannerisms or actions suggested that anything lie this is going on. Is this normal? It seems a little psychotic. I am not without my issues and my idiosyncrasies drive some people nuts, but I don't know why she is doing this. Lately, I have been have better and she seems to have accepted some of the things that drove her nuts. I couldn't imagine maintaining such an intimate affair secret. I am an all-in type of person -- I don't split my attention between people -- I have lots of acquaintances but only a few close friends -- don't have the energy or the time to spare. If I wanted to be with someone other than my wife I would have to leave my wife, which I was never planning -- I don't know how can this relationship be maintained with just intermittent contact and/or BS phone calls and texts. It takes a long time for me to trust people -- I have only been intimate with my wife -- I didn't have a standard college experience. I was a high level college athlete in a sport that requires enormous sacrifice and year round commitment. I dated a few women, but when I found my wife I thought I found someone whom I could trust -- which makes the idea of her having an affair painful. I will be able to forgive her, but if this true, I can't trust her anymore.

What I had asked for from this forum was strategy and tactics and everyone provided some excellent ideas. thanks. I appreciate the strategy that many suggested of not disclosing my information too soon.As part of my plan, I have purchased forensic software to examine her cell phone -- I may be a Luddite, but I can figure this out -- I am a Luddite primarily by choice. I purchase a VAR. I'll hold off on the PI for now. I also suggested she plan final visit to her familial home next month --it's a trap of course, but actually, conveniently the trip would have been required even without this discovery. She didn't put up much a fight. My wife needs to be at her father's house -- the old guy is planning to drive (30hr+) to Florida himself and is stubborn about this, she needs to be his co-pilot or there will be greater problems. I told also her that I would like to go to her conference with her, and she said sure -- not wavering a bit, which makes things even more confusing. maybe a affair there wasn't part of their plan? One last point, I thought about downloading active tracking software onto her phone, does this work? does anyone have any experience with this? Can she find out that I did this. As I mentioned in my first post, my wife is incredibly intelligent and if her affair is true absolutely sinister, will she notice something like a tracking software on her cell? Can such a move hurt my position later?

Butforthegrace posted 7/20/2018 10:48 AM

There is a forum on this site for tactics of this nature. I think for tracking most people buy a separate GPS unit, and pre-pay for several months of service.

For the VAR, they can beep. Most people buy a cheap set of earbuds and snip off the actual ear buds. Plug it in and it's a silencer.

Good luck.

As to your question about the "dual" life, we see on SI that cheaters can be amazingly efficient at compartmentalizing their lives.

recovering2018 posted 7/20/2018 10:56 AM

If this is an Android phone and you have access to her Google Account, it's fairly easy to track her from any PC. Go into her phone and ensure the location tracking is on (See where she's been at Go into her Google account and ensure that Activity tracking is enabled (you can check her activity any time at Ensure that this initial setup work doesn't trigger any alerts on her phone or in GMail (clear the notifications and modify notification settings if it does).

There is a free app called Trackview that will allow for remote surveillance as well. This can all be done without rooting the phone. Test it with the phone in your presence and ensure the notifications are disabled.

iPhones are a little tougher to do without rooting. If you have her icloud password you can get some information from icloud. If you can get away with it, get a cheap ipad and add it to her icloud account (again making sure any notifications are cleared). This will get you the best live info IMHO.

Stevesn posted 7/20/2018 11:31 AM


As usual for this site you are getting some good advice here. And if you follow it you will have a good chance at nailing down whatís happening between your W and the other man.

I am not going to argue one bit with that approach.

I just wanted to mention that personally I would take a different path and just wanted to mention it for discussion purposes. I have no problem with you reading and discarding it if you see fit.

You now know your wife has his this relationship from you. She also has withheld affection from you according to your first post in this thread.

I would ask to sit down and talk with her. About your relationship and the rest of your lives.

I would strive to be as honest as possible. Iíll write here what I would say, because itís easier than explaining it, but of course I only know the situation from a few paragraphs from you. Iím sure I wonít describe the situation exactly, but youíll get the idea.

Sit down in a comfortable place and say something like:

ďMrs Confused, I love you. Iím in love with you. But I feel our relationship has deteriorated over the years. I want to change that. I want us to feel happy and in love again. I want us to enjoy life together. I want us to desire each other and feel attractive to each other.

I know youíve had issues with some of my idiosyncrasies in the past. They may have pushed you away. I want to work on changing those. I want to do that for you and me. For us.

But if youíre not happy with me as a husband or happy in this marriage, I donít want to keep you here one minute longer than you want to be here.

I have never stopped being in love with you. I still am attracted to and desire you. I love your company and would love nothing more than being your husband the rest of our lives together.

But that cannot happen if your heart is elsewhere. It would break my heart if you left, but I cannot be in a relationship with a wife who cares more about someone else than me.

My love, I recently discovered that you have been communication with Mike HighSchool. I know he has professed his love for you and you have met without telling me and are planning to meet again.

I canít begin to tell you how this pains me, but if this is the man you want to be with then go be with him. You donít have to hide it any more. I canít be with you if you are pining away for someone else. Let me know now so I can begin to rebuild my life and find happiness down the road than be with someone who no longer enjoys being with me.

Thatís all I ask. Is you be honest with me.

If you want to be with him I will work to end our marriage so we can both move on with our lives. Thatís absolutely NOT what I want. But I canít make you love me so itís the only path I see right now ď

Confused, after this discussion she will know where you stand. She will know the choice she has in front of her.

If she decides to leave you have your answer.

If she realizes her awful choice and her unloving behavior and snaps out of it, you can truly to rebuild (and still use the gps and VAR and PI tools to verify down the road).

If she wants to R she will have to be truthful, give the full extent of the timeline of her A (yes, even if nothing physical has happened itís an A) and ensure she not delete anything so you can read the communications so you know what you both have to work thru.

If she truly wants you she will have to go NC with him. If she canít do that then she doesnít truly want you.

And then after working thru your individual issues youíll have to come together and figure out how to make you M a loving one again.

Please consider this approach. There are more than 1 valid way of getting what you need and it may save you a lot of effort and also accusations back from her.

You know a lot already. I believe in honestly putting the cards on the table.

I understand if your not comfortable with that yet. But I wanted to put it out fhere for you to think about.

If you decide to what and gather more info, no problem, itís a valid path as welll.

Good luck to you on this difficult journey.

barcher144 posted 7/20/2018 11:42 AM

3- Monitor your cell phone records to see how often, how long and what time of day she's calling him.

This is how I caught my wife (almost by accident).

I needed to set up an online account with our shared cell phone service (verizon). When I did this, I was able to access records to all of her phone calls and text messages. I didn't get the content of the messages, but rather the phone numbers and the times/dates.

From there, it was pretty easy to connect the dots. She's texting someone from 10pm to 1am, when we normally go to bed at 10pm? Check the calendar.... oh, that's a night when I was traveling.

Oh and she's texting someone from the specific area code of her AP? Yeah, that's a less than subtle hint too.

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