I'm finding that one of my overall struggles in "fixing myself" is breaking out of the "victim mentality" that seems burned into my brain. My wife and I had a "discussion" (cough) last night that ended up with both of us triggering. Rather than rehash the event however, I'd like to focus on my own major personal failure for the evening, which was getting stuck in the victim mentality. That has been an overarching theme since D-Day for me personally, and to be honest, I see it in other WS's as well. It is just so much harder to see in one's self, because the symptom masks the cause.
At one point last night, during the heated part of the discussion, my wife said something along the lines of, "Stop acting like you're a victim", to which I replied something such as, "You can't take my victimhood away from me". (Just to be clear folks, the victimhood I am referring to is my own FOO, not the affair. I'm the abuser in the affair, she's the victim.) After more discussion, my wife basically told me that the only person victimizing me right now is myself.
The thing is, I keep accusing her of various things. And the things I accuse her of are things which have been done to me in the past, or which I've observed or experienced. (Again, "in the past" refers to my entire life, not the marriage). As most BS's will tell you, triggers have this amazing way of taking a molehill and making it into an entire mountain range in your head, emotionally speaking. For example, a WS may innocently pickup their phone and start typing something for any one of a hundred reasons, but seeing that happen sometimes triggers a BS and zaps them right back to the time that their spouse was on the phone texting the AP, and from there all hell breaks loose. For the moment, it feels as if you are right back there again, in the thick of the A, and the pain is so overwhelming and "real" that you react and respond as if it were actually happening right now.
For me, since I come from a background of serious and constant abuse, anything that seems like someone else telling me that I'm worthless or broken or to just leave, etc., anything that sounds like a threat, and I go into protective/victim mode. While I think this is understandable, because trauma is trauma and triggers are the natural consequence of unprocessed trauma, what is not okay is that my "victimhood" has become my identity in life, and my "go to" for avoiding pain. It is the blanket I hide under.
What's worse is that it is hurting her. I've been trying very hard to keep the victimhood mentality under control, and most of the time I do, but when it comes out, it tends comes out in spectacular style. Her being angry turns into abuse and lies in my head. Her telling me how I acted in a given situation makes me feel like I'm being attacked and hated. I start to get the "poor me" thoughts of, "I can't do anything right" or "Nothing will make you happy" (Both of which are things her ex-husband said to her and so are HUGE triggers for her). All of these are thoughts that made a lot of sense when I was six years old and being abused. Not so much at 51 and just having had an affair. So my wife who has chosen to stay with me and try to R and has gone through personal hell while I still struggle to put on my big-boy underoos and move on without carrying the pain around like a suit of armor.
The bottom line is that I need to find a way to let this shit go already. It's killing me, it's killing her, it's killing our marriage and the family, work, life, everything. Everything in my life is has a grey haze over it because I see everything and feel everything through the eyes of the victim.
This morning I was looking up ways to break out of the victim mentality, and I found this - the difference between a victim and a survivor:
A victim asks how long it will take to feel good — a survivor decides to feel good even if things are not so great.
A victim grinds to a halt — a survivor keeps putting one foot in front of the other.
A victim wallows in self-pity — a survivor comforts others.
A victim is jealous of someone else’s success — a survivor is inspired by it.
A victim focuses on the pain of loss — a survivor cherishes remembered joy.
A victim seeks retribution — a survivor seeks redemption.
And most of all, a victim argues with life — a survivor embraces it.