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WW wants to slow down D process

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EEguy1412 posted 1/9/2019 22:27 PM

So, who's seen this before, and how would you react? WW and I are in D mediation. Up until now, my WW has been very calm, methodical and matter of fact about the D process. Cold as a cucumber. We have asked a couple of real estate agents to take a look at the house. (We will most likely have to sell it under any reasonable D outcome.) Now, one agent was just great - he told WW that we'd have to put the house on the market fast, needed to put most of our stuff in storage to make it more appealing (4 kids … a lot of stuff), and he generally generated a sense of urgency. I could see the blood drain from WW's face. She was shaken for the first time. Of course, that's a comment on her - that having to move out of the house fast is the one thing that gets to her. Afterwards, she asked if we could slow down or freeze the mediation process for a while. She complained it may all be a bit much for her - working part time, selling the house, finding a new place, moving …
We have another mediation session coming up next week, and I have no intention of cancelling or delaying it.
My question: Have you seen this play out? What can I do if she starts dragging her feet, and we miss the spring selling market?

Phoenix1 posted 1/9/2019 22:51 PM

She complained it may all be a bit much for her - working part time, selling the house, finding a new place, moving …

Your response: And this is my problem how???

It's called consequences. She's just now getting a taste and balking.

Stay the course. If you are under court mandated mediation, play the game. If not, and she continues to drag her feet, tell her you will go straight to trial and let a judge decide everything if she keeps stalling. You don't like it anymore than she does, but you want to see it finished so you can both get on with your lives.

No matter what you do, short of completely caving to her, she is going to paint you as the mean ol' asshole, forcing this thru. Don't rise to her bait, but do just that. Force it thru, as much as your courts will allow.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Minnesota posted 1/10/2019 03:48 AM

“Look. I just want to get this done and move on with my life. Don’t you?”

squid posted 1/10/2019 07:59 AM

^^^^ I said the above to my exW many times while she was dragging her feet. Eventually she gave up and signed everything.

Just stay the course. Don't fall for her requests to slow down. Full speed ahead for the D train.

capeaffair posted 1/10/2019 08:32 AM

I'm going through the same thing right now. WW received the letter from my attorney about filing for D and she broke down ending her contact with OM. (see When will she see the light? in Just Found Out) Since it was the holidays and lawyers also take time for the holidays, I halted the filing process so we are not yet on the court's schedule. WW is going to my therapist and we are attending together sometimes. It was a long affair and I knew about it for about a year and the APs knew that I knew, but kept going in with it until I got the time to finally call OBS, hire a lawyer and really begin moving on. We have two young children. We generally do not do things as a family. It's her when she has a day off or more likely it's me with the two of them doing our normal thing we've done for the past five years while she's been "at work."
My WW wants me to slow down the D process as she has not quite figured it out yet. I have already thought about it thoroughly and made all the decisions. I sent her to attend therapy to talk about stuff we have not spoken about for years so that we needn't do this while paying lawyers and a mediator. She's hoping for R, but I'm ready to work out the details of D. I thought I made that clear in therapy, but I will have to reiterate that point.
Scary having to sell the house, but I agree with the other posts to hold course if you are prepared, it is not your problem if she is not. Her A was certainly not well timed for you I'm sure. Unlike me, you are already on the court's time clock, let that time run as intended. Good luck!

Ripped62 posted 1/10/2019 09:13 AM

My wayward wife does everything in her power to delay the divorce process. Keep moving forward. Proceed with mediation. Proceed to court if necessary. Just keep the forward momentum going.

It seems many waywards do not like when things suddenly get real for them and wish to hang onto the status quo for their benefit. It is of benefit to you to not get sucked into this game of manipulation.

I have missed many opportunities at selling property and changing asset make up and suffered great loss when waiting on a response from her.

Do not allow your wayward wife to become parasitic.

Keep the forward momentum going. I have seen instances where the wayward spouse will gladly stay in the house as long as possible and sabotage showings.

Do not become a party to her games. Keep the mediation on schedule and if necessary proceed to court regarding any items that cannot be resolved. That old chair suddenly is of no value when faced with the cost of legal proceedings. The consequences are hers. This is a price of her infidelity. She bought it and now must own it.

Act in your best interests. Your interests very likely are to divorce and proceed out of infidelity as rapidly as possible.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:15 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

Curious9 posted 1/10/2019 09:37 AM

I suggest you don't slow this down even for a second. My reason for this is because she used you before and she will do it again in any way she can.
Phoenix1 is right. Its not your problem and that is exactly what you should relay to her. I wouldn't say anything other than that. The sooner your divorce is final the better your going to feel.

The day I received the call from my lawyer in 2007 I was walking from my kids school to my home. Yes it was now Just my home. The feeling was incredible. Its just like people have said before me it was like a weight had lifted off my back and shoulders. I felt I could breath better and I slept incredibly better.

I really am sorry your going through this but your almost done. Life does get far better once they are out of your life.


WornDown posted 1/10/2019 12:42 PM

She's only working part-time? I guess you are still paying the bills, or at least most of them?

Your WW: Wait, I have to actually take care of myself? Fuuuuuckkkk that...let's slow this down a bit.

Of course she's been calm and cool. It's no real sweat off her back. Life as she knows it is still (mostly) going as it was before D.

Keep the course/pace you are going. But watch out for mediation to be her way to slow everything. Agreeing on 90% and then hemming and hawing on the 10%, asking for "time to think it over," but never really making a decision, is a classic stall tactic.

The moment she drags her feet in mediation, say it's over, I'll see you in court.

TrustGone posted 1/10/2019 14:34 PM

My question: Have you seen this play out? What can I do if she starts dragging her feet, and we miss the spring selling market?

Don't slow down the process for her. It's her consequences and she needs to deal with it. I know I had to laugh when XWH#2 wanted me to slow down because he had to get a lawyer for the assault on me and couldn't afford to pay two lawyers. Nope, not my problem and I told him so. You need to do the same.

As far as what you can do if she drags her feet, there's really not much you can do. Just know that all bleeding stops eventually. She is following the typical unremorseful wayward way. When reality sits into their selfish fantasy world, then they resort to feet dragging, re-writing marital history, blame shifting, and anything else they can resort to. Hang in there and proceed forward.

Freeme posted 1/10/2019 18:24 PM

I just read you story. You've got a decent prenup in it goes to trial. Your lawyers have said that chances are the judge will not allow your kids to move out of country with WW so you might end up with custody if she decides to pursue OM.

I think she foresees a future with her and the kids still in the house and me airbrushed out of the picture, sending over the monthly check, until she eventually departs for OM in the EU.
(your quote) I think this is still the case and why she is trying to slow down the process. She doesn't have a clue about what to do and had already badmouthed you to friends and family. Keep moving things forward and go to trial if mediation doesn't seem to be working.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:25 PM, January 10th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 1/10/2019 21:38 PM

The longer you stay in a bad situation the more time/life you waste.

EEguy1412 posted 1/10/2019 21:47 PM

Great advice, thank you everyone.
First of all I needed the confirmation that I should keep on pushing.
I should have clarified - this is voluntary mediation, not court mandated. So indeed there is probably no way to speed this up. The only way is to eventually walk out and file.
The good thing is that my WW seems to have pushed off thoughts of moving back abroad, for the immediate future at least. The other thing is that she slowly realizes that the future will look somewhat less cushy than the present. She just said she'd like to pause for a few weeks or months. She didn't even offer R, just wants a pause. I'm the husband ATM.

Tigersrule77 posted 1/11/2019 15:26 PM

Exactly. She wants you to keep paying the bills as long as she can. She enjoys the comfort you have provided. She doesn't want to give that up. She now sees that her life is going to change and it won't be as easy as she is used to.

There is no reason for you not to file paperwork and start that legal process. As you said, she can walk away at any time. Why not start the clock now? It doesn't mean you can't negotiate and settle things yourselves.

Marz posted 1/11/2019 21:01 PM

She just said she'd like to pause for a few weeks or months. She didn't even offer R, just wants a pause. I'm the husband ATM.

Cake eaters like their cake. It's up to you whether you keep feeding her.

What do you get out of it?

Unbroken78 posted 1/13/2019 18:27 PM

Think of it like this-


You are in the final 200 yards of battle. The enemy force is asking for a time out as you are slaughtering them and they need to regroup so they can counterattack you more effectively.

Do you think it's a good idea to stop your offensive and give the enemy force a time out, so that they can regroup and attack you more effectively?

Always keep your momentum. You paid for that momentum in blood and pain. Never relinquish it. You had to build it at great cost. Keep moving forward until you are within bayonet range and finish the fight.

Anytime your enemy asks for a pause...hit them harder.

EEguy1412 posted 1/13/2019 22:23 PM

Unbroken: Thank you - that was exactly the right metaphor at the right time. You are right, it took me so much energy to build momentum, to counter-attack with the back hand. Pausing now would give up the momentum.

EEguy1412 posted 2/5/2019 21:35 PM

Oh dear. I totally dropped the ball. I need to snap out of this. WW was nice up to a point. No R - not by a mile. Just being nice. I totally lapped it up. Went out to a concert with her. Family outings were harmonic again. Still, she didn't even show regret. She openly said it was more convenient to stay together for the time being, and I went along with it for two weeks. She said she had no feelings for me, and that she will never have them again, but that the household is functioning and that it is less stressful for her to stay in the house and then move back to Europe once she has arranged that rather than D here in the U.S.
And then I smiled meekly and made dinner.
Can someone please supply me with some moral fiber? I know this cannot go on but I hesitate to disintegrate the family unit just yet. I know I am being taken for a ride here. I trick myself into thinking "one more week with an intact family - that's good for the kids." but really I am a coward.

How did you snap out of this? On an intellectual level, there is no doubt. She betrayed me to an extent that his hard to walk back. I recently found some messages in which she asks her father to lie to our kids about her whereabouts to cover the A. - Openly enlisting my FIL to gaslight our eldest son "because he is so close to his father and tells him everything". She did that. I tell myself "how can I ever trust her again?" when I see her but still I cannot fully pull away.

ff4152 posted 2/6/2019 05:16 AM

Someone once said something to me that seems to apply here. You experience things in part, based upon how you allow others to treat you. This cycle will continue until you stop it. Stop allowing yourself to be a doormat, I mean the endgame is still going to be the same. The difference is how much self respect will remain and how far along the healing path you’ll be once it occurs.

All the advice in the world won’t make a difference unless you truly embrace and implement it. Be an advocate for yourself, it her. She lost that right when she cheated. Good luck.

Freeme posted 2/6/2019 06:01 AM

No, no, no....She has point blank told you she want you around as a paycheck. You deserved better than that. The more you play "family" the worse it is for the kids. They know what went down. Your either advocating being in a loveless marriage, a marriage where someone can cheat and hurt the other person and the other person just takes it. Or they are on a similar rollercoster... the family is divorcing, now they are fine, now they aren't fine, now they are divorcing, now....
She is going to start looking around at men again, dating again, she doesn't want to be in a loveless marriage but you should.

Please employ the 180 and get yourself out of this mess. So many people post on here that they wish they had moved the divorce faster rather than having several D-days. Please don't be one of those. The longer you "play house" the harder it is going to be to enforce that prenupt.

If it's easier you can explain to her why you are doing a 180. That you don't want a loveless marriage and are having trouble detaching. That you are shutting down all communications besides kids and finances and moveing forward on the divorce for your well being and the well being of the kids. That you would like to find someone that loves you for you and that YOU will only do that after the divorce.

Then stick to the 180 and to the divorce.

WornDown posted 2/6/2019 08:24 AM

You know what you need to do.

Now, go do it.

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