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Already let him back in

BrokenAndWeak posted 1/10/2019 17:24 PM

I donít know where to start or where to go. With this message as much as my life right now. I feel so weak and hopeless. There have been so many times when I know I should have walked away from the relationship and I stayed and now I am at the same crossroad again. I want to turn right. Take the new path. I know it is the one I should take. The smart choice. Even if it will be difficult and unclear and on all new terrain. But my heart aches and his words and his touch persuade me to turn left yet again. Down the familiar path over the same worn cycle. I know where it will go, I know each step so well.
As much as he has been the one to hurt me he has become the only one that fulfills me in ways that I donít know how to live without.
I have all of the same fears that most BSís on here have posted about. I am a sahm with three kids so income and housing are at the top of my worry list. Iím not good at opening up to people or asking for help, even from my family, and itís hard to think about being a burden. I am bipolar and have social anxiety that make just the idea of interviewing for jobs or going back to school, make me physically sick. I struggle every hour of the day to not shut down. If it were not for my kids needing me I would bury myself in the thick pit of black depression that is always waiting just below me. I would welcome it, let it overwhelm my pain with itís suffocating weight. But they do need me and more than anything else in this world I want to be there for them. I want them to be happy. I know that they will hurt from our seperation but I also know that they deserve more than what they are getting from us right now.
I was barely 17 when I devoted myself to him. We never did marry but itís been over 16 years now and my heart and mind have always been completely devoted to him alone. I have never been with anyone else and I have never been alone. Iíve done everything I could to keep us going. Every line Iíve drawn Iíve let him push back and reinvent. Until now I feel like heís pushed me off a cliff and Iím dangling by my fingertips. I just want to quit struggling, to let go and let the abyss below me swallow me up.
I donít know who I am anymore. And I donít know how to stay away from him. I canít deny the kids access to their dad and I canít seem to say no to him when I see him or hear his voice. I hate myself for being so weak. For Letting him back in my heart and in my bed. Itís only been a month since Dday.

inthedark99 posted 1/10/2019 18:27 PM

BrokenandWeak
I am sorry you have found yourself here. Please read thruthe Healing Library. Please also eat, excercise and drink lots of water. I would gently recommend you make an appointment to see your doctor. Get tested for stdís, maybe some help for sleeping as well. Get a referral for a counselor or therapist for you. You must take care of you so that you can take care of your kids. Do not disappear from this forum, there is lots of wisdom and support here. Keep reading, posting and taking care of you. You are safe here.

[This message edited by inthedark99 at 6:34 PM, January 10th (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 1/10/2019 21:37 PM

If you continue down the same path nothing will change.

He counts on that. Trust me.

Cheaters live the status quo - no disruption to their lives.

At least get a counselor or some support for you.

Best of luck.

Charity411 posted 1/10/2019 21:44 PM

You reached out to this site. We are the safety net at the bottom of that cliff if you decide to let go. We've all been there. It's ok to let go. You are not alone.

TrustGone posted 1/10/2019 22:00 PM

Itís only been a month since Dday.

There you go. It is still too early in the game to really make any decisions. You are heartbroken and devastated. You have not had time to detach from the relationship. He is way ahead of you right now in that department. It sounds like he is a love bomber. They are the worst kind of cheater IMO. They know how to push the buttons and keep the betrayed hanging on. In reality they don't love anyone but themselves when all is said and done.

I know you are at wits end right now and that is perfectly normal. However you must think of you and your kids first and foremost. I swear it's not the end of the world even though it feels that way right now. You can't fix this by yourself and it's futile to try. You only have control over your own actions. (((HUGS)))

pureheartkit posted 1/11/2019 01:45 AM

Your first priority is to protect yourself. You need a plan to help you not get swallowed up in sorrow. Your kids need you. Anything is possible. With time and patience, you could care for yourself. You are not going to have to depend on him forever. Please have hope. Everyone starts somewhere and there are resourses to help women starting out or starting over. You need to be brave and seek them.

Imagine yourself with someone you trust and your home is yours, your income is your own. Your decisions are your own. You can get there. Maybe even he can help you with getting more independent if you ask. I know its scary. Change is scary. But just think about the possibility. Dont close your mind and think thats not available to me.

You were so young then and now you know you deserve more from life. Dont beat yourself up over past choices. Start today. Decide you are going out just to talk to a few people. Its not an interview, just a few minutes of conversation about something you care about.

I know you said you felt sick but I encourage you
to walk a local school campus and go read the flyers and sit in the library and lounge. Get used to the space. consider finding a class in a vocational program. Just meet the instructor and let them tell you about the program. No pressure to sign up right away. After a bit of talk, you might feel less anxious. Everything always seems bigger in our minds. Teachers really want us to succeed. You could start with a subject you love or know well to get used to school again.

Or start with some adult ed class thats a one or two session meeting time. Those dont usually cost much and are fun. Something to lift your mood and get you out with people.

Get out into nature. I wanted to stay home and I felt afraid and small. Getting out helps. Take the kids out and do some activities. Join other parents. There will be an opportunity for you. Let people know you are looking and something will come along.

Just let a thought have some room to grow. It doesnt have to be big at first. The idea is to be outside of your home and think about options without letting negative thoughts squish them right away. Its your what if time. Everyones got special talent for something. Everyone has something to share. The world has room for all our voices.

free2016 posted 1/11/2019 03:04 AM

If anything, try to understand your fears, what is behind them, how your beliefs might be wrong, challenge them. You need to find something in your life to lean upon, that comes from within you, not from WH and not even children. Right now, you are an extension of him, not a separate human being. Often times, WH in such situation feels burdened with such an arrangement in the relationship and pulls away.
This is not to say that you are in any way responsible for his cheating but to point that perhaps it is a call to find who you are for the first time in your life. The situation with WH has been pushing you in this direction for a while, yet you shy away instead of embracing it.

Just let go of fears, one step at a time in a new direction. Nothing major and dramatic.
Think about the steps you would have done if he suddenly died/disappeared. Surely, you would go on living the best you could.
Practice thinking about those tiny steps every day, and eventually they would feel more like a possibility, then you would feel like you can act on it and when one dwells and explores 'unrealistic and difficult solutions', they start feeling like an option.

Edie posted 1/11/2019 04:25 AM

Hi, welcome to SI 😊😊. Sorry you are here but youíre in very good company.

First of all, you are not broken and weak or any of those terrible judgemental names you seem to be bashing yourself with.

You had the wit and gumption to come to SI, so that is already showing strength and resourcefulness and determination to get out of infidelity.

You have already identified some of the issues you are dealing with, which is a fantastic start: your sense of your dependencies on him, financially, emotionally etc, can be further elucidated, made more understandable to you (I.e.reduce the mystique you are building into it/ them) if you were to spend some time learning about co-dependency. For example, you think heís the only one who Ďcan fulfill you in ways you donít want to live withoutí? What if those ways are in fact not at all fulfilling or healthy really but you have come to identify with them in a way that makes you think you need them - fear of abandonment, filling a void, repeating family of origin pain, all of these things could be the fulfilment you are really getting, and there are so many better ways to healing those wounds than temporarily plastering them through unhealthy reliance and dependency on him.

You got together very young, maybe you were trying to escape something, maybe you were looking for someone else to fill something in yourself that in reality only you can do. Try and see this whole episode as that - an episode and a wake up call to yourself. Stop looking to him to fulfill anything in you, in time you can learn to do all that for yourself. Get counselling help through the NHS, cultivate female friendships, get out of the house, take walks, join a club - start seeing life beyond the boundaries of your co-dependency and fear and you will begin to get Ďhimí back into proper perspective. He is just a person, and currently not a healthy one for you and you have many more interesting horizons calling you now that you are waking up. The fix that you think you are getting from him is fixing (temporarily alleviating but setting in stone) the wrong things. Use this opportunity to get to understand yourself better, your history, your strengths, make it a daily practise to be kinder to yourself, in your words, deeds and general attitude. Slowly and surely you will begin to see the sun shine again, feel more alive, like yourself and begin to break free of the chains of codependency.

Stick around here at SI. Read the Healing Library. Focus on you, not him. Youíre actually doing really well. 😊

[This message edited by Edie at 4:31 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

Beatrice2017 posted 1/11/2019 15:33 PM

I am not sure how many times you have been down this road, but it sounds as if it has reached an abusive point. The anxiety there are methods that you can use to help you deal with it. I use yoga, ti chi, and prayer. The yoga and ti chi have helped me learn how to breathe through everything. I am working on learning balance.
I also notice that you don't want to ask for help, I am sorry that someone has made you feel as if you are weak if you ask for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Successful people ask for help all the time.
Please reconsidering asking for help, you came to this forum that is the first step in living a new full life. It might be hard, but you can move past all the pain. You can be free from this abuse he has heaped on you making you feel as if you can't make it without him. You are strong and help is just a tool to get you to success.

Gunnut posted 1/11/2019 15:48 PM

Look up codependency and see if applies to you. It may give you a place to start.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/11/2019 16:01 PM

BrokenAndWeak-tell us your story. How old is your partner? Tell us about yourself.

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