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Shattered & Heartbroken

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SaddestDad posted 2/17/2019 17:36 PM

I just found this website. Until recently, I never thought that I, of all people, would ever have such a need to.

Until recently, I shook my head in dismay.

Until recently, I believed that the stories I heard would not -- COULD not -- happen to me.

Until recently, I pitied so many others and silently thought they were fools to be drawn back into their relationships.

Recently, that all changed.

It started with our daughter playing with my wife's iPad. She's not even 3 yet, can't read, and yet, she can mess around with an iPad.
She had opened up the messages and I noticed the messages seemed pretty flirtatious for my wife to have with another woman.
I couldn't read further back because the iPad only showed what had been synced, so I had to wait till later....

Fast-forward a few hours. Wife's home. She goes down to do laundry & left her phone out. I got my chance! I quickly went into the conversation with "D."

As I read, my heart started to thump. Even as I write this, my heart's thumping in almost the same way.

Long story short, we've been married for about 4.5 years. And the affair texting went on for almost 3 years.
They were F-buddies before we started going out. We started going out and their relationship shifted from physical to sexting & flirting.
Oh, did I mention he was married to begin with?

She has always struggled with opening up to me emotionally and sexually.

I blame this man. This DOG.

Even while crying in her guilt, she still couldn't give me many details... at first.
I pushed for more. Turns out, she repressed the memories. Until I dredged up every old message with him.

Better yet, she was also flirting with two other married men from her past (also married at that time).

Do I want things to work out? Yes.

Do I want to trust her again? One day, when she earns it.

Am I depressed? Absolutely.

I guess that this was more of a rant to start with than anything else...

Mene posted 2/17/2019 17:42 PM

Iím sorry youíre going through this. Welcome to this forum. Many people will help you navigate through the most painful time in your life. Hang in there. It will be a rough storm but things will get better.

Mene posted 2/17/2019 17:45 PM

And by the way, your wife is equally at fault here with the affairs. Her APs, while are bastards, could have been anyone.

The first thing you should do is contact their respective spouses and tell them they have been cheated on. These women need to know. Donít tell your wife you will do this.

[This message edited by Mene at 5:46 PM, February 17th (Sunday)]

pearlamici posted 2/17/2019 17:46 PM

So sorry you've needed to find this site, but right now it's the best thing for you ... First thing is read the Healing Library to your left ... Others with more experience will chime in soon and listen to them. I know you want you're marriage to make it and maybe it will but either way it's a long, rough road. Your wife is not a safe partner right now, she has been lying to you so take everything she says with a grain of salt. Believe nothing she says unless you have proof.

hiddenMist posted 2/17/2019 17:53 PM

Really sorry you're here.

Please be patient with yourself and the myriad of emotions you're likely experiencing. Be prepared that what you've discovered/been told may be just the tip of the iceberg.

"Repressed memory" is usually actually something called 'trickle truth'... Providing bits and pieces of info, usually only what the faithful spouse can prove. You pull up an email from 3 weeks ago and suddenly all the details start floating back. Nothing repressed-they want to protect themselves.

It's completely normal to blame the other men your wife is involved with, but she is the one who did wrong. Misplacing the blame only gives her an out.

Whatever the outcome, you'll get through this.

annb posted 2/17/2019 17:53 PM

Hi, welcome to SI. Sorry you are now a member of this club no one wants to join. We all understand the pain of infidelity, your life has been broken into a million pieces, and it seems surreal that the person you thought had your back repeatedly stabbed it. You are not alone.

That being said, and I say this gently, you've been married 4.5 years, the affair was going on for three years, at least 2/3 of your marriage you have been living a lie.

If your wife is basically cheating with three men, all of whom are married, their wives need to be informed asap. They are living a lie and their health could be at risk. Do you know who they are?

Again, gently, the men did not take promises to you, your wife did. SHE broke her vow to you. She could have walked away from any one of these relationships, she chose not to.

Take time to focus on you and your daughter. Meet with your MD, get tested for STDS (both of you), perhaps you need some temporary medications to help you cope.

I think you need to take time to figure out if you want to stay in this marriage, she has betrayed you almost from the start, there's really no solid foundation to build on, just a bed of lies.

I also suggest you search for a good IC to help you process this nightmare. It will take YEARS to move beyond the infidelity whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not.

What consequences is she facing for her affair? What is she doing to prove she can be a safe partner because right now she isn't safe. She's a cheater and seems to need validation from other men.

Honestly, I don't think she repressed the memories, cheaters always minimize their actions, even when there is solid evidence staring at them.

Weekends tend to be a bit slow, but you will find a great deal of support from those who have walked in these very painful shoes.

survrus posted 2/17/2019 19:29 PM

SD,

Secure all the evidence where your WW can't get at it and erase it. And dig for whatever other evidence you can find.

Gather all the contact info. on the OMs and then expose all at once without warning or threats, do not let your WW know any of your plans go silent.

brkn_heartd posted 2/17/2019 20:01 PM

SaddestDad,
I am so sorry you are here...we each know how hard and horrible this trek is. Read the healing library...there are also threads in the Just Found Out forum that are helpful...the Tactical Primer. You will find as you take this journey....it is almost like the cheaters use the same play book. As you said before you never thought you would be here....us either. But it seems the cheaters all have the same MO...the ways they do it may be different...but they way they cheat, lie etc is about the same.

You emotions will be all over the place. Right now you do not have to make any decisions. Do not commit to anything that you might feel guilty for breaking later. She is showing grief for being caught....not remorse...she has a lot of brokenness in her and she will not be able to feel remorse for a while if she ever does.

I agree with other advice...save proof and expose the affairs to the other spouses. Be careful beyond that should you decide you want to move to recouncilation too much sharing can make that difficult. Also, get yourself tested for STD's and require her to do so. Make sure you eat health, drink plenty of water...avoid alcohol and get some exercise. The world as you knew it you will discover didn't exist....she will change the way everything happened as she is telling you her story. Be careful with what you want to know...you cannot unknow something. Make sure before you ask you really want to know. For example...I never asked about THE SEX...sex is sex and I cannot imagine the act any different..however I didn't want the mind movies playing over and over. There are others that need to know every detail.

Sending you support. There are many here that can help you through this.

manofintegrity posted 2/17/2019 21:28 PM

Out them all to your community. Good luck.

BrokenGiant posted 2/17/2019 22:20 PM

Hey, so sorry to find yourself here.

Firstly you are not alone, you are one of many. We share one thing, being betrayed by someone who meant the world to us. It's not easy, I know, I am still quite shell-shocked, but letting it out here was the best thing that happened to me. The people here in SI, DO understand what it is to be deeply hurt. We bleed together, and if by some chance someone offers kind words that hit the spot, we get to patch up our wounds for the day.

Secondly, you are NOT AT FAULT. We do not drive our partners to have an A. All the temptations, all the opportunities will always be present, but it is still up to your partner to make a CONSCIOUS DECISION to take part in an A. Like many have advised me, we are only responsible for 50% of the shit we have in our marriages, likewise your partner is responsible for their own 50% of the shit. But WHEN your partner DECIDES to fall, we don't push them or force them. They jump on their own. Remember that.

Lastly, let yourself hurt. Cry if you must, let your emotions loose. Find your best friend, your confidant, release and talk it out. If you have none, similar to the situation I am in, I let out here. We are always listening. We share in your grief and we offer you sympathy. May you find strength and clarity with our words.

PurvisShort posted 2/18/2019 02:47 AM

SD,
Very sorry. Your wife is a serial cheater and there is little hope that will change.

Do not beg, cry, or accept blame around her. Doing so would set you back farther. No more Mr. Nice guy.

Tell us more about your marriage. Are there differences in age or status? How long did you know your wife before tying the knot?

What boundaries are you willing to put in place?

PurvisShort posted 2/18/2019 02:47 AM

SD,
Very sorry. Your wife is a serial cheater and there is little hope that will change.

Do not beg, cry, or accept blame around her. Doing so would set you back farther. No more Mr. Nice guy.

Tell us more about your marriage. Are there differences in age or status? How long did you know your wife before tying the knot?

What boundaries are you willing to put in place?

manofintegrity posted 2/18/2019 04:42 AM

You said she had PA with OM before you guys married, then changed to sexting and flirting. I can guarantee you that some or all OM remained physical. Adults are not ...ĒJust friends, donít kiss just twice, donít just sit in the car, donít just flirt and sextĒ.

When your WW married you, she became a safer affair partner for OM. She then wouldnít tell the OBSís. Nobody expects an affair from newly married individuals with children. Made it more exciting for your WW to sneak around for quickie hookups while you or the grandparents watched the children.

Those OM will be sweating right about now, because your WW has already warned them that you know. Iím sure the OBS got all kinds of V-Day gifts. That way when they find out, the OM will call you crazy and that you just want to destroy their marriages. Been there. The hypocrite drunken serial cheating preacher thought I would tuck my tail and run off, divorce my WW and he would start on the next married woman up for grabs in church. You know, that is just what all previous BH did. Not me!

She is most likely going to take all affairs further underground if they ALL donít suffer some consequences. Tell all OBS at same time, show them proof. Cheaters like attention, give them some. FB, billboards, magnetic car signs, chloroplast yard signs work well.

Hang in there. Talk to us. Weíve all been there.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 4:57 AM, February 18th (Monday)]

Gunnut posted 2/18/2019 05:13 AM

I blame this man. This DOG

Sorry man but you need to be blaming your WW, she took the vows with you and should have worked on her issues before turning to other men. You need to tell her to tell you the entire truth, get a timeline and then DNA test who is hopefully your biological daughter. You canít trust anything she says, all you know for certain about your WW is that she is willing to lie and cheat. Verify everything she says even if that means a polygraph too.

I would have been much better off emotionally,if I hadnít believed my wife on DD#1. She told me that nothing physical happened, but it was a lie. Iím sorry for your pain, I know that this is tough.

[This message edited by Gunnut at 5:18 AM, February 18th (Monday)]

SaddestDad posted 2/18/2019 08:27 AM

Wow, didn't expect to get feedback so quickly. Thank you.
So to attempt to answer a bunch of the questions...

Found out on February 4. Confronted same night.

She's 2 years older than I, we are both professionals.

I have control over her iPhone & iPad. I've got access to everything and anything, including her Google history. I have Screentime active on her phone and can check everything/anything whenever I wish.

I don't believe that she'd ever do it again, as these bastards were seepage from the remnants of her past. She does show remorse, she has been putting in effort and has taken ownership of her actions. As of last night, she does finally admit that there were feelings behind her words especially to the main OP, each time we go over it there are more blanks being filled in with less contradiction.

We've got 2 children, the oldest is the 2 year old.

I've been looking for a new job recently as well, so you can only imagine what my spiraling life is feeling like right now. If it weren't for the kids, I would've taken everything I have down the gullet by now.

Marriagesucks posted 2/18/2019 09:29 AM

First things first. Talk to a lawyer and see what rights you have for your state. It can make a huge difference if this heads south. Have your children DNA tested. Even if you know they are yours. This sends a very strong signal to your WW how far your trust for her has evaporated.

ShutterHappy posted 2/18/2019 10:41 AM

Small t/j : BrokenGiant, Iím happy to seeyou post here and see that what the others told you is sinking in, I was a bit worried about you thread. You should post an update if you feel like it.

SaddestDad: itís totally normal to feel animosity towards the AP(s) and to blame them. Itís also somewhat wrong. Why? Because your WW will always have attention from other men. Itís her job to keep her boundaries and to defend your marriage (just like itís your job to have boundaries and defend your marriage).

Even if you donít feel that way, your focus should be on your WW, not the OMs . And your plan is to get out of infidelity, with or without your WW.

It looks like you want to R, even if your WW lied to you for most of your marriage and had multiple AP. It will be very hard, but it is your choice to make.

Hereís a few suggestions, take what you need and leave the rest (some of it was said by other posters already):
- talk to a divorce attorney anyways to know your rights
- WW must be remorseful about the pain she is causing you, not about her consequences.
- no intimacy until you both get tested for STD
- WW has to understand that this is a one time gift, next time is D
- transparency of all electronic devices forever
- detailed timeline, you need to know what you are R for
- polygraph to verify that timeline
- IC for her to determine her whys
- be ready to lose your marriage and D
- NC letter/email to the other man
- exposure of the affair to all the OBS. She can be on the call as well and she must apologize the the OBSs... all of them
- exposure to her family and yours at a minimum.

This will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life.

You will need to stay calm at all time and in control.


Keep posting and let us know how it goes.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 10:42 AM, February 18th (Monday)]

StrongerForIt24 posted 2/18/2019 11:18 AM

Dear Sadest Dad,
I will keep this short & simple: You are NOT alone!

Robert22205https posted 2/18/2019 12:03 PM

Among other things(EA or PA) you should mentally process and insist that she treat sexualized texting with multiple men as an addiction.

It's highly unlikely she can stop without professional help. It may stop for a week or months or years but is likely to resurface.

There are easy ways to work around your access to her phone...so she needs to fix herself so you can feel safe going forward.

Cheaters share a similar personality profile: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and apathy toward their spouse. She needs to acknowledge her demons and make herself a safe partner.

Marz posted 2/18/2019 12:12 PM

She needs some deep IC. You don't want to live the life of a warden.

Right now it would be hard to discern remorse from regret at getting caught.

Early on they are usually in self preservation mode but time will tell.

I would inform the other betrayed spouses without warning. Consequences are a good thing in these scenarios

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