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perhaps improving may be all we can really attain, recovery like perfection being a idea more so than a reality.

That's a bit bittersweet. On one hand, knowing that there's continued improvement in the cards up ahead is good, but feeling like no matter how much improvement we have won't amount to us being perfect... that part's kinda depressing. But you might be onto something, Survrus.

SD - I am glad to hear from you and glad that things are getting better. It sounds like you are on a positive trajectory. Well done!

It does seem to be a positive trajectory if you look at the bigger picture but it still isn't easy. I still have random days of going dark with semi-random times during the day (meaning I can predict if I will go dark with an hour or so of an accuracy spread), but I can see and take pleasure in things more often than I did before.

Tonight was better. I laughed and laughed with my nephew. Signed up again for online classes to keep my brain busy. One day at a time and trying to keep focused on long term goals.

Nice to see you again. Winter and covid is a special challenge.

PHK, good to see you too. Glad to hear that you were able to enjoy time with your nephew and that you're keeping busy! The field I'm in... well, it's in healthcare marketing. You can imagine how difficult covid's made it. I came back to a field that's in a totally different world and haven't had a chance to fully adapt to it yet.

You will get there, like you said, one day at a time. Sometimes progress will seem to jump ahead, and a few times as I'm sure you've seen, it will seem to take a step back a bit, but in the end you just keep moving forward.

Amen, Anna! It's tough to always remember that a bad day doesn't equal a bad week which doesn't equal a bad month. At the time I'm dark, it just looks like everything is bad all the time and I have to force myself to try to see a glimmer of good otherwise I spiral.

Today happens to be a bad day... 4yo daughter has had fever and lost voice for almost a week and we're pending strep/covid results. Meanwhile, W & I are both getting bad sore throats. I'm actually nervous to go out into the field on top of me being dark.

have to say though like you said you are doing much better, you sound better & more optimistic.

Thank you BigBlue! If I'm not mistaken, it's around that time for you too, is it not? Hope all is well by you!

What has she been doing to help you heal?

Bluerthanblue, she's been doing everything she possibly can to assist me in healing. Tbh, I can't fathom that I would be able to do so to the extreme she does if the shoes had been reversed.

Above everything else, she's been 100% supportive of every choice I make and has been a surprisingly steady support system once she got her head out of her ass. She keeps her distance when I need her to and is here when I need her to be. We spend time talking together every evening, watch some TV as well and she bought me a PS5 with love so that I could stop using the PS4 that had been purchased back then as a subversive tactic.

When she knows I'm having a particularly difficult evening or will have a difficult morning, she has the kids sleep at my in-laws so she can focus on me for the night.

We have not had anything with a neurologist, as it's a moot point at this point regarding the memory losses. All of our therapists are in agreement that it occurred and nothing indicates that it'll occur again.

I must say, I really do detest dark days like this. It makes me feel like I'm just a user and usurper... I'm not angry nor hostile, but I'm moody, sad & just blah. Can't focus in anything at all. I contemplated not posting today since I've almost only posted on bad days in the past & kinda don't want to start that cycle again... but I needed to.

Hey,

Yeah 15/12/18 was my eye opening moment, this last anniversary funny enough didn’t effect me the same as previous yrs, I’m much more blah about it all now, I don’t really acknowledge any dates (good or bad) with regards to that time of my life. If I feel I’m gonna go dark or somber I do something special just for me, I guess it’s working 😊

Reading your last message it really does sound like you are both working together, I know you still have your dark times (understandable) however I bet if you were to sit down & really think it through you would realise they aren’t as often & definitely not as dark as they have been.

SD that’s progress, however big or small it’s still progress.

Working together is the key.

Stay strong & true to yourself, you’re a lovely young man that deserves love & happiness.

[This message edited by BigBlueEyes at 7:28 AM, January 22nd (Friday)]

I’m glad that you feel she’s going above and beyond for you... because that’s exactly what she SHOULD be doing after the hell you’ve been through.

Don’t sell yourself short by beating yourself over feeling bad or saying that you don’t know what you would do in her position. She’s in her position because of her choices; every day that you stay married to her, and remain as committed and devoted to making it work even when you’re feeling low, is a gift to her that she should treasure.

Here's something funny that happened last night. Our boy was rolled up in a green comforter on the couch. I sat down next to him and in two minutes I heard a shhhhhhhhhh, I'm pupating. I said how long? Then a little wispery voice said three weeks. He was becoming a giant orange moth.

A moth that eats cookies.

I will always be glad for these days. Kids are wonderful. Kids and nature keep me hanging in there.

2 years ago today my life was ripped apart.

2 years ago today everything I believed in... everything I had faith in was shattered and proven to be a lie.

2 years ago today I didn't know where to turn, who to turn to or why to bother turning at all.

2 years ago today I began to see romance as a toxic subject.

2 years ago today I stopped seeing sanctity in marriage.

2 years ago today I had my first ever panic attack.

2 years ago today I had the first of many sleepless nights.

2 years ago today I realized that there are things we are not in control of - and those things have teeth.

2 years ago today I began a journey that I had not planned for.

2 years ago today I started my descent into the spiraling depths of darkness.

2 years ago today I lost every ounce of courage and confidence I'd struggled to attain.

I'm better today than 2 years ago today, but I've still got quite a ways to go. Today is a hard day. Not sure how I'll be able to work. I tried doing things in the AM to take my mind off of what today is, but nothings worked.

2 years seems lengthy - and in some ways, it is a long time. In reality... 2 years is just a grain of sand in the buckets of time.

The bright side is that even if I was dark for every single hour of every single day from these past 2 years (which is not the case), it would only amount to up to 6.25% of my life thus far. Every day that passes that I'm able to stave off the darkness even for just a few hours brings that number lower.

I'm not good today, but that doesn't mean I won't be good in a year or 2 or 3 from now.

TO THE NEWBIES: It doesn't become perfect, but it does get better. Don't be harsh on yourselves, the world's harsh enough without you aiding it further.

We hear you SD. You’re on a tough but good path. The pain is understandable but you’ve come a long way in learning how to handle it.

Thank you Stevesn. I've still got a long way to go, but such is life...

2 years is just a grain of sand in the buckets of time.

Until two becomes four... and four becomes eight...and on and on...

One day at a time, 1 week at a time, then 1 month at a time...& so on...be kind to yourself.

After darkness there has to be light...look for that light SD even if it’s a candles flame...remember it’s still a little bit of light!!

SD...how are you holding up?

I'm not good today, but that doesn't mean I won't be good in a year or 2 or 3 from now.

Last October my wife of 18 years asked for a divorce. We're both Ger ani Yehudi...neither will give up what we've changed for... last light she lit candles for the first time in a long while. I've been lighting my single candle every Friday night...this is round about, but ... last October my wife of 18 years asked for a divorce.

What she never told me when we married is that she'd had her tubes tied...had she told me that BEFORE we'd married I'd have never married her.

After a 6month EA, she demanded a divorce. I was not opposed. She thought she was going to marry Val Kilmer...and so the $60k she gave her scammer was unimportant...until it was important.

SD...how are you holding up?

Better. Every day is a step in the right direction. Tbh, most days I tend to hit a patch of darkness but it doesn't last nearly as long.

For a while, it was hard to spend time with anyone - even the kids - but that has also gotten significantly better.

The meds don't help as much as I'd like them to in terms of getting a full night's sleep. They knock me out early but I wake up almost every night a few times per night. I do still occasionally have nightmares, but I think that in this aspect, the meds have been immensely helpful.

I hope that one day in the future I'll be at the point of which there are no dark patches, but until I get to that point (and the only way I'll ever get there) I'll keep aiming for the light.

SD I've followed your story and what your wife did to you. If you don't mind me asking, why are you still with your wife? She seemed to loathe you your entire relationship and never really respected you. Don't you think you'd be happier with someone else?

She seemed to loathe you your entire relationship and never really respected you.

You're right that she never really respected me and treated me as if she loathed me for the entire time that she was cheating on me... but can anyone that has a WS that didn't have a ONS say definitively that they were not treated/considered along the same lines?

If you don't mind me asking, why are you still with your wife?

Who she is now is not who she was then.

It's more of a mindfuck because I discovered the A's years after they'd ended because it makes it that much harder and easier at the same time. If I would have found out while they were occurring (due to how she thought of me at the time as well as having nothing to lose) I wouldn't have given R a shot at all.

Rhe fact that I'm giving R a shot doesn't mean that there's a 100% chance of a successful R, but not giving it a shot would, in fact, give a 100% chance of failure.

This forum has had many people walk through the doors and no story is exactly the same in every minutiae of detail. None of us know anything other than that which has been written, and even that has to be taken with a grain of salt, regardless of whether it's a BS or WS that has written it.

I personally tend to be active on SI during my darker of days because that's when I personally feel the need to pour out my heart. I'm aware that it paints her in a worse light than I usually see her in, and that makes sense because during the times I feel the need to post I DO see the disgusting actions she did in a worse light than otherwise.

Other people tend to post only when they're in a better mood and brighter mindset but neither of the two sides of the coin is more (nor less) accurate of a depiction than the other.

This has been very odd. Every other DDay antiversary has the darkness hitting me leading up to the day and then when the day passes, the darkness begins to ease away.

This time (DDay #1 second antiversary was Feb 4) it doesn't seem to be occurring in that way. I'm still dark, depressed, sleepless, angry and irritable. Can't focus on work & can't push myself to get out as early as I need. I've been randomly crying from movies and from music. Prior to DDay #1, I was NOT the outwardly emotionally sappy type.

Has anyone experienced this? In the grand scheme of things, I've been doing better. I do not understand why everything is hitting me so hard right now. The next difficult date coming up is in April, so I should technically have smooth sailing now till the end of March. Can't seem to meditate. Constant heartburn. Etc etc etc.

Any recommendations?

I don't know if you're on any medications, but you would probably do well to see your doctor and talk about making some changes. I'm thinking depression/anxiety. Sometimes, the meds stop working like they had before as our bodies adjust to them. You might need a change in dosage or different meds.

I don't know if you're on any medications

Remeron & Risperdal.

I hate that I'm now to be dependent on chemical crutches.

Now that I'm really thinking about it, I wonder if valentines day coming up is why I'm so dark. We don't celebrate it, but POS main-AP had bought her a stuffed bear that I had found when we were digging through her shit during my detective days.

We did unspeakable acts to that bear before throwing it (in a shopping bag while wearing latex gloves) into the dumpster, but maybe that's another reason I'm brooding so?

I'm rambling at this point... potentially picking at straws. Occam's Razor says I probably need a medication change. I have a dr visit next week, guess we have what to discuss.

[This message edited by SaddestDad at 4:23 PM, February 10th, 2021 (Wednesday)]

Hello,

I have found out that my husband of 34 years has been having a secret "friendship" with this woman who he works with and we will call her "P". He has moved her out of her parents home, helped move her into her own home and going to her condo and "helping" her fix things so she doesn't have to pay to have work done for over 2 years! When I asked him about her if she knew her at work, etc. he said "no", well I know she works there but that is all. I heard him talking to her on the phone. Found out who she was and they have been talking several times a day, texting several times a day for at least 2 years! I am so naive, I had NO IDEA.

It wasn't until our daughter told him that she saw his car at her house the day after Thanksgiving (2020) did he start to admit she is a dear friend of his. The conversation I overhead when he was talking to her was terrible, he was telling her very mean things about me and our marriage. Said we have to "keep it on the down-low" because our daughter is home from college! So if he doesn't talk to her for a bit she should not think anything is wrong.

I looked at his phone, I have never seen her name on his phone. All of the phone calls to and from "P" were deleted as well as all of the text messages..not a trace of her on his phone. His contact for her abbreviated so it could be a male or female name.

He told me he loves me and I am blowing things out of proportion. they are just friends. I said well why do you have this underground "friendship" for over 2 years that I know of. He said I made him go unground because I am a jealous person by nature.

He told me he would "end" it for the sake of our family now that the kids know but guess what? they stopped calling/texting but now emailing and the emails I found she was "honey" "Sweetie" etc and he would end emails with virtual hugs.

Now when I told him I know about the emails he changed his passcode on his phone so I couldn't "snoop" anymore and tells me I have to text him or call him before I go to his work which I do every once in awhile...I can't just "show up" at his work.

I told him that I am trying to trust him but you told me it was over and clearly it wasn't because you just then were emailing one another (and they used their personal emails not their work emails - remember they both work at the same place).

I love him but again don't know how to trust him but I want to so badly.

I am heart broken this came out of left field. I feel ugly, unwanted and kicked to the curb.

Signed

pmbpb

[This message edited by pmbpb at 7:48 PM, February 13th (Saturday)]

Hello,

I have found out that my husband of 34 years has been having a secret "friendship" with this woman who he works with and we will call her "P". He has moved her out of her parents home, helped move her into her own home and going to her condo and "helping" her fix things so she doesn't have to pay to have work done for over 2 years! When I asked him about her if she knew her at work, etc. he said "no", well I know she works there but that is all. I heard him talking to her on the phone. Found out who she was and they have been talking several times a day, texting several times a day for at least 2 years! I am so naive, I had NO IDEA.

It wasn't until our daughter told him that she saw his car at her house the day after Thanksgiving (2020) did he start to admit she is a dear friend of his. The conversation I overhead when he was talking to her was terrible, he was telling her very mean things about me and our marriage. Said we have to "keep it on the down-low" because our daughter is home from college! So if he doesn't talk to her for a bit she should not think anything is wrong.

I looked at his phone, I have never seen her name on his phone. All of the phone calls to and from "P" were deleted as well as all of the text messages..not a trace of her on his phone. His contact for her abbreviated so it could be a male or female name.

He told me he loves me and I am blowing things out of proportion. they are just friends. I said well why do you have this underground "friendship" for over 2 years that I know of. He said I made him go unground because I am a jealous person by nature.

He told me he would "end" it for the sake of our family now that the kids know but guess what? they stopped calling/texting but now emailing and the emails I found she was "honey" "Sweetie" etc and he would end emails with virtual hugs.

Now when I told him I know about the emails he changed his passcode on his phone so I couldn't "snoop" anymore and tells me I have to text him or call him before I go to his work which I do every once in awhile...I can't just "show up" at his work.

I told him that I am trying to trust him but you told me it was over and clearly it wasn't because you just then were emailing one another (and they used their personal emails not their work emails - remember they both work at the same place).

I love him but again don't know how to trust him but I want to so badly.

I am heart broken this came out of left field. I feel ugly, unwanted and kicked to the curb.

Signed

pmbpb

Hello pmpbp,

So sorry you’ve had to find your way here. You need to repost this in the just found out forum proper instead of on another posters thread. Others will see it there and respond shortly.

Peace