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Shattered & Heartbroken

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SaddestDad posted 2/28/2019 10:11 AM

How does everyone here deal and cope with the aftermath of telling the OBS? Yes, yes, I know it was he who destroyed them but it was still me, a total stranger, that reached out with the news.

I feel like an evil man.
I'm answering all questions that I can. I even suggested that she check out SI... but I can't shake the guilt that i have.

They have a kid close in age to my own. I overheard the kid in the background of the call. I burst out crying when I hung up after hearing the kid say "bye, tank-oo."
I keep reliving those words in my mind over. And over. And over.

RubixCubed posted 2/28/2019 10:22 AM

You're the messenger, not the life destroyer.
There is nothing to feel bad about. You informed someone of a person that is out to do them harm. You should feel empathy and sympathy toward her but not feel bad.
You should feel bad if you DIDN'T tell the OBS.

survrus posted 2/28/2019 10:37 AM


The kind of OM that does what he did to your WW and family is the kind who will get HPV from a prostitute and then give it to his wife from which she will get cancer.

In the recent past I've seen 86 and 90 something year old women breaking down because of their serial cheating husbands. You did this woman a favor.

What did the OMW say to you?

SaddestDad posted 2/28/2019 10:57 AM

You did this woman a favor.

What did the OMW say to you?

At first she thought I was pranking her or something silly... until I started giving her very specific details. I sent her the pictures. She wanted to see my wife's face but I can't do that. I'm too afraid of retaliation.

She started panicking once it really started to hit her. She asked me why I'm telling her now if it isn't going on now. I explained it was because I only just discovered it now and not telling her would be completely wrong of me.

At the end of the call, she thanked me.

She has been texting me questions. I've been answering to the best of my ability.

Wool94 posted 2/28/2019 11:39 AM

I feel horrible for both of you.

You have no blame in doing what was right.

SaddestDad posted 2/28/2019 13:04 PM

You have no blame in doing what was right.

I know that it was the right thing to do but it still doesn't seem fair or just that I, a complete stranger, have come forward to shatter her life... yes, I know that he was the asshole that spent their entire marriage (plus) going behind her back AND IN THEIR HOME but for me to be the messenger felt shitty.
Nobody should ever have to go through this.
None of us should.

dryersheet posted 2/28/2019 15:17 PM

Re: bearing bad news. Think logically. I'd scarcely consider the doctor who gave me a cancer diagnosis a monster. In fact as hard as it was, I would have gratitude in knowing sooner.

M1965 posted 2/28/2019 16:08 PM

I feel like an evil man.

My take on it is that you are a decent man, with a moral compass and a conscience, who hates to see anyone suffer. Sometimes doing the right thing is also the hardest thing. And in some situations, even doing the right thing brings little comfort.

Nobody walks away from something like this feeling good, unless there is something wrong with them.

I totally understand your feelings when you ended that call and lost it. Your feelings confirm your decency; so do your actions.

Sometimes the results of our actions can take a while to show themselves. For now, all you can imagine is the immediate impact.

Longer term, you may have saved that woman's life by alerting her to the fact that her husband could be exposing her to all kinds of diseases, as well as inviting strangers into her family home. She would be unable to protect herself and her child from those things without knowing about them.

And by saving her life, you would be saving the life of that kid's Mom. I think the little guy would want to thank you for putting yourself through the wringer to protect him and his Mom, which is what you did. And your actions now may have prevented something much worse happening to the two of them in future.

Her husband exposed her and her child to danger; you have helped to protect them from it. And for that, I and many others here also want to thank you.

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:13 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Buster123 posted 2/28/2019 23:16 PM

She even thanked you at the end, so you have absolutely NOTHING to feel bad about, you should be proud you told her the truth.

SaddestDad posted 3/1/2019 13:42 PM

Thank you all. I appreciate your feedback & your well-wishes. I know that I did the right thing, it does still hurt immensely to hurt someone else and shatter their life, even if it's only the facade that they've had till now.
My WW rocked my world in the worst way possible, but what AP did was way worse to OBS. My WW was HIS AP for not just half their marriage, but the WHOLE marriage up until she (my WW) put the brakes on.
Their marriage was a lie through & through. And it pains me thinking that I was the one to bring it to her attention.

I wish that I could go back in time and prevent all of this from happening.

I wish that my wife could go back in time and smack the crap out of herself, nipping it in the bud.

I'm glad that we're working on us now, but I wish that Dday didn't have to occur, nor be the catalyst to resolve things that should never have been.

It just boggles my mind that my wife had such a long EA right under my F'ing nose and I didn't see it until discovering it.
Yes, she has professed that she loved me throughout the time, but it's so hard for me to believe that.

I recently had her pull out the anniversary cards that she gave me and read them out loud to me. I then broke down the details of what she wrote, showing her how nonspecific the platitudes were and how they could apply to ANYONE. How impersonal and lacking in portrayal of the love she professed.
She now understands how much love WAS apparently lacking, and realizes that she WAS, after all, splitting her love between myself and AP.

I do love her, and I see the love and effort that she now puts in for me, but I'm still very nervous that her fervor will die down and backslide to the status quo that I can never go back to.

What she did was wrong. I can't fathom that I'll ever be okay with her showing less affection than she is showing now.

survrus posted 3/1/2019 14:18 PM

SD,

You wrote, I burst out crying when I hung up after hearing the kid say "bye, tank-oo."

Yes killed me just to read that,

It reminded me of when I forced my W to go to a yard sale held by OM2s exW and meet his very nice and friendly daughter and exW. Everything about a shit sandwich is bad.

SaddestDad posted 3/1/2019 15:08 PM

It reminded me of when I forced my W to go to a yard sale held by OM2s exW and meet his very nice and friendly daughter and exW

Wow, Surv.
Did the daughter and exwife know who she was prior to when you got there?

Skadu posted 3/1/2019 15:27 PM

I burst out crying when I hung up after hearing the kid say "bye, tank-oo."

Whoa holy shit, how did an this rain get on my face and eyes

Wow... It's always the absolute worst when you know there's someone in the mix who is just an absolute innocent and they still won't be spared the pain and fallout.

SaddestDad posted 3/1/2019 15:39 PM

Wow... It's always the absolute worst when you know there's someone in the mix who is just an absolute innocent and they still won't be spared the pain and fallout.

They've got 3 kids. OBS and the other 2 kids are just as innocent.
It was horrifyingly eye-opening for me too regarding just how much their A caused.

My wife... the homewrecker.

Skadu posted 3/1/2019 17:44 PM

This has me feeling just, sad man. My daughter is probably around the same age and had started about a month ago to start saying thank you in just about the same inflection.

Keep strong.

survrus posted 3/1/2019 17:45 PM

SD,You wrote,

Wow, Surv. Did the daughter and exwife know who she was prior to when you got there?

I think the exW knew of my W, she went into the house while the daughter stayed and talked with me for awhile. The daughter did not appear to know about my W, but does know about her fathers cheating. OM2 complained to me that she doesn't speak to him at all anymore.

OM2 had a number of OW I believe, I saw OM2 out with nurses to lunch a number of times, so I think OM2W just grew numb and gave up. I guess my W was nothing special to OM2W although she could have been the one to trigger their divorce.

survrus posted 3/1/2019 18:05 PM

SD,

There's also the financial ruin affairs create that you may have averted for OMW.

It's no wonder that in ancient times, as you wrote earlier about, that the penalties for Adultery were severe. It was a crime in almost all state in the US not that long ago too.

SaddestDad posted 3/4/2019 13:20 PM

True true, Surv.
Update: Having an excellent past few days with WW in spite of OBS having reached out to her a couple days or so after I broke the news to OBS.

I don't have many specific details that I can elaborate upon without turning this into a sex story nor get a few if you emphasizing to not let lust cloud my thought (don't worry, I'm not), but the past couple of days after WW's emotional breakdown to me have been invigorating for me, her & us.
SI has been a huge part of the reason that I CAN see true R in the future for us... we have a long way to go but it's doable and we WILL overcome!

I feel horrible for OBS though... she's blaming herself for AP's actions and definitely sounds like a form of Stockholm syndrome... I wish I could smack sense into her over the phone so she saves herself and her kids from the emotional abuse he's STILL putting her through.

survrus posted 3/4/2019 18:45 PM

SD,

It's really sad what some cheaters do to their spouse, gas lighting, DARVO and etc. They deceive gradually and for so long it becomes normal, ugh.

Unfortunately in society at large there is very little know how about what to do except keep quiet and rugsweep. Actively dealing with an affair is not the usual response.

You mentioned you were orthodox, if the OM/OMs are perhaps you can get them ex-communicated/shunned/expelled.

pureheartkit posted 3/4/2019 19:47 PM

Saddest, I'm glad you are both at complete honesty. Take some time together to say out loud what you are grateful for, in each other, in the marriage, and about your family. This is where her thoughts out to be. Not on wild words or past adventures. This is her chance to grow.

You sound caring and thoughtful. She's lucky lucky to have such a husband. That's sad about the other BW but she's better knowing the dangers to her family and her own health. Maybe it saves his family and he quits cheating.

May you find a dream job soon! This stuff is awful to live through but we have all grown and become stronger people. Don't compare yourself to anyone else, you are great as you are. Your kids are proof of that, they will tell you so.

Maybe try brain healthy oils, protein and exercise (less spirits) to boost your mood.

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