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Shattered & Heartbroken

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SaddestDad posted 3/11/2019 22:16 PM

It is now almost exclusively used as a sleep aid for people because it will help you with getting sleep and it is a non-addictive sleep aid.

JT, - yep, it was given to me as a sleep aid in conjunction with ambien but I've been trying to take it a bit earlier hoping it would help without me having to go to the doctor for an added visit & yet another copay. Ironically, even ambien no longer has an effect on me - my mind is just too damn wired.

EXACTLY! To quote many late & greats, "ain't got that money!" At least not currently... and I know many SW's. The good ones don't have any time to take on new clients, especially ones that they already know. The others all do substance abuse or geriatric/family care.

Surv - so much more to it than that, I'm going to try to explain as much as I can but it's going to need it's own post in this thread. You're right though, as it's a combination of different cultures that both build upon and against each other.

Skadu posted 3/12/2019 13:18 PM

If you're in New York hit up your doc about a green card for indica (this will put you to sleep in a few minutes and doesn't affect your rest) or CBD oil (I'm dubious about claims, but since have said it help with anxiety, from what I know it does require some thc presence to be truly effective.

SaddestDad posted 3/13/2019 14:29 PM

I really am trying...
I don't want to become a pothead again. I don't want to be in bed all day either though. I don't even get dressed anymore. I sleep and remain in the nude until wife gets home w the kids, then I just put on shorts so the kids aren't traumatized.

Today's been a dark day for me. No specific reason why, it's just been.

I feel gross. I binge-ate yesterday like a freaking horse. Kicked my IBS into overdrive.

I'm lonely and sad. Just surrounded by grayness.

marji posted 3/13/2019 17:49 PM

Saddest so so sorry that you are in so bad and sad a state; you mention being in bed all day; Im sorry if I missed very important aspects of your situation but have you stopped working since discovery? Have you isolated yourself from friends, neighbors, relatives and activities?

If you are truly in such a very extreme state I think you might indeed benefit from seeking help at a MH Clinic in whatever part of NY you live. They can make an assessment, prescribe medication and advise about an outpatient program. Seems like it might take an extra exertion of energy that is just what you don't feel you have now but if you could just give it a try, with a bit of luck, such a visit might help to turn things around.

SaddestDad posted 3/14/2019 10:55 AM

have you stopped working since discovery?

I've been looking for a job since NYE. That's how I came to be home with the kids and discovered it all to begin with.
It's taken a hit on my job-seeking efforts.

Have you isolated yourself from friends, neighbors, relatives and activities?

I'd say that's definitely accurate.

I would if I could but we don't have 2 nickels to rub together right now thanks to me.

marji posted 3/14/2019 12:00 PM

Saddest there are clinics throughout the city that are not costly. Clearly not the same as working with a private, very experienced therapist--particularly knowledgable and experienced in dealing with betrayal trauma-but they can be helpful for emergency care, for prescribing medication and connecting you with a day program; it would be worth trying.

You might start by visiting going to Emergency at a city hospital where along with providing immediate help, they can also help you obtain health insurance if you are unable to work.

SaddestDad posted 3/14/2019 14:42 PM

I just made an appt for tomorrow at my GP.
Thank you for pushing me to do so.
I miss being able to just bask in the weather and I relish the potential of doing so again.

marji posted 3/14/2019 16:39 PM

Hey Saddest thank you for making that appointment with your GP. To get going can be the hardest thing so it's great that you're taking action and doing good for yourself. Things will get better--you're going to be ok. Time and work and support--you can do this really.

pureheartkit posted 3/14/2019 23:44 PM

I'm thinking of you today. I wished I could take you to see the superbloom of wildflowers we have right now just to ease your heart a little.

I sat at the top of one of the tall hills and had my back to civilization looking into the high areas. The crowds were concentrated on the main roads which are like dirt fire roads. There were painters standing in the cold breeze hoping the easels wouldn't blow over. A thin Asian model in a short pink dress and white sun hat posed for a photography club made of mostly older men. They brought every thing imaginable but a towel for her to sit on so she sat freezing in the dust with a smile that she turned off and on like a light bulb. Kids on break ran up paths in the hills and dogs barked at each other. Some clever ice cream vendor came early and sold treats and drinks from a prime parking spot. A truck across sold local avocados for 5 dollars a bag out of the bed. I think he had oranges too. Old nature enthusiasts in worn jeans mixed with young people in the latest athletic fashions. Everybody just wanted to be walking through the flowery hills. Young, old, rich,poor, human, canine, didn't matter. There was a rich sense of goodwill. It was one of those times, I thought I saw the best of Americans. Beautiful country, beautiful goodwill.

So I went up to the top and had to scramble up a difficult loose soil path but it was nice to be alone and listen to birds and see the rolling hills with flowers swaying in the wind. I could see a bit of the main path with the river of people walking along. It's a blessing to let your mind go and not have the sad thoughts come in.

It has taken more than a year to get here. Many times I went out to seek calm in nature after d day and I thought is life ever getting any better. I feel so crushed and lost. Why why and why....and what do I want now....and how could he and how can you stop thinking about it.

And I remember lying in bed and remembering nightmares and trying to work out what my dreaming mind was trying to tell me and watching online videos on marriage and reading and trying to understand and still not knowing what I wanted to do but that's ok. And I felt like somehow I wasn't enough and started into that rabbit hole again and considered chopping off my hair and then thought that was stupid.

What I learned was laying in bed won't give you your best healing thoughts. You won't get any beautiful things to see or interesting people to talk to or good feelings from exercise. It's good to rest but it's healthy to walk some or stretch and go look at dogs playing in a park. It buffers the sadness and gives you a break.

I'm happy she is trying. You know it won't be the same now but you can make some parts better if you both work together. There were so many secrets my WS hid. I'm glad she is being honest with you. That's the best place to be now. At first you are hurting so much, you just want it to stop already. Never mind what you want to do with your life, you just want to start living again. I understand that.

My life is different now but I can enjoy flowers again and every night is not nightmares and tears. You will move through your sadness and think about what's important and who you are deep down. Most of all I hope you find life is not #### and though there is pain and disappointment, there can also be beauty and growth and love. Please go into the world for a few minutes and offer a kind word to someone. It will do you good. This is only a dark walk through a cold canyon to reach the flowers on the other side. They are there and you will see them.

Wool94 posted 3/15/2019 07:39 AM

SD, 149 responses so far. Not too shabby my friend!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:39 AM, March 15th (Friday)]

marji posted 3/15/2019 11:48 AM

pureheartkit Your post is so beautiful and your writing so amazing. Your advice and support for Saddest is something we can all benefit from remembering and following. Thank you.

SaddestDad posted 3/15/2019 16:48 PM

Pureheartkit - wow. Thank you for that true kindness. Well-written. Well-described.
Thank you!!

Went to GP today as promised. He prescribed me to Effexor & Klonopin.
Can't take my ADHD meds while on these so should make the job search more interesting (to say the least).

Thank you all for your support. Really... I'd be a news story by now if not for you all in conjunction with WW's efforts.

SorrowfulMoon posted 3/15/2019 20:46 PM

Thank you all for your support. Really... I'd be a news story by now if not for you all in conjunction with WW's efforts.

It seems you are happy with WW's efforts toward becoming remorseful. Is that true and if so can you detail what she is doing.

Sorry if you have already done this.

SaddestDad posted 3/17/2019 09:39 AM

Hey SorrowfulMoon

It seems you are happy with WW's efforts toward becoming remorseful.

I AM! I do see the efforts she's been putting in. There are slip-ups here and there in terms of her transparency which upset me at that moment, but on a macro level, I do see and appreciate her efforts & believe she's truly remorseful about her actions.

can you detail what she is doing.

She's been reading How To Help Your Spouse Heal every day.

She's been checking in whenever she can to update me through the day.

We've definitely been having some HB, but from her side, she's been working on doing things outside of her comfort zone and pushing the boundaries of said zone further day by day.

She's been initiating, which she never did till now.

She cuddles and snuggles. Never did that before.

She chooses what she says when she has a complaint and instead of making it an offensive asinine remark like she used to, she says so sensitively.

She asks me how I'm doing and apologizes constantly. She's a completely different person since shes started putting in the effort.... what's interesting is that it wasn't DDay that initiated the changes, rather, it was the many discussions we have had since a day or 2 after DDay.

I started taking the klonopin at night. Does absolutely nothing to nor for me. I've been staying awake AND have had night terrors. I think I'm going to discontinue them if tonight (the 3rd consecutive try) doesn't seem to help. Haven't started the Effexor. I'm afraid to since it's long-acting and I can NOT risk being a zombie.

Have any of you had to take meds post-A for depression, anxiety & to fall asleep?
If yes, what worked for you?

k8la posted 3/17/2019 12:56 PM

I take a supplement called Mood+ for anxiety - which is worse at night. While my night terrors have nothing to do with what happened in my marriage, and everything to do with FOO - the PTSD imprint of what happened frequently between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. have created some chronic problems for me and sleep. Mood helps a lot. It has Rosemary, Magnolia Bark extract, Zembrin and a bunch of other herbs in it.

SorrowfulMoon posted 3/17/2019 20:02 PM

Thanks for your detailed response SaddestDad, much appreciated.

It all sounds very encouraging.

Depression is a debilitating thing. I am not a great fan of drugs in the long term but it depends on the causes and they certainly work for many, so you are wise to try and find the best ones for you.

Your wife's new attitude cannot but help, so good luck.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 8:02 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]

SaddestDad posted 3/18/2019 10:47 AM

Your wife's new attitude cannot but help, so good luck.

Her attitude definitely can help but, of course, what would help more would be if she did things for the sake of WANTING to - not NEEDING to.

Yesterday evening was rough. She went out with coworkers while I was in the dark zone (lights off, fetal position in bed). She asked me if she should stay, I said, "just go."
I had ZERO clue that what she meant was in regards to going out - I thought she was talking about if I wanted her next to me, which I certainly did not. She claims she told me it would be last night and that I was ok with it - I would've remembered her saying Sunday, when I spent the entire day with the kids who were behaving like trainwrecks.

So then she said, "I'm miserable here, I'm going to leave in 45 minutes." Which, of course turned into double that.

I said I dont want her to ask me what I want to eat (didn't eat anything all day by that point) and that if she wanted to get me a burger, she could.

She ignored the burger part, got me poppers that tasted like spoiled Tabasco sauce. I flipped out once again. She went back out and bought me a goddam burger.

I'm back in bed.

Last night I took 2 klonopin and 1 ambien which did the trick of putting me to sleep, but I've been up since 830 and I've been dizzy since (probably because I took those meds at about 1130ish).

She tried initiating sex last night & this morning. I was just totally uninterested and made her stop.

I've not shaved nor showered since Friday... I fucking hate this life.

SaddestDad posted 3/18/2019 10:48 AM

Oh and the best part? I read through her incomplete timeline and realized that the main focus of said timeline is all rationalizing her actions from when she was the OW. It literally reads like a gag-worthy romance novel. If I had the money to, I'd burn her iPad and tell her to go buy another and start over.

LivingWithPain posted 3/18/2019 11:09 AM

SD you need to take the Klonopin as prescribed, not more or less.

The new SSRI meds can take a week or so to build up in your system and start stimulating your brain to create the chemicals it needs to get you out of your depression. It may take a while before you start feeling any difference. You have to be patient.

Take it the way the doctor prescribed

SaddestDad posted 3/18/2019 11:21 AM

SD you need to take the Klonopin as prescribed, not more or less.

Was prescribed as 0.5mg to 1mg rapidly if 0.5 has no effect.
His office screwed up and sent as a script for 0.5mg tablets, so IF it does have to build a level, I guess that by the time it might help it'll already run out. FML

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