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Shattered & Heartbroken

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Marz posted 4/28/2019 13:05 PM

That will probably help you immensely. New job, new challenge.

You can't concentrate on two things at once.

Wool94 posted 4/28/2019 14:29 PM

That's awesome, SD!!!

SaddestDad posted 5/10/2019 13:10 PM

Hey everyone, I need guidance ASAP.
I'm almost 2 weeks into my new job (first since Dday). Every day till now (other than last Friday) I've been able to focus on work and accomplish a lot.

Today, however, I can't seem to stop the A-thoughts from taking over my brain & I can't seem to drag myself from task to task.

If I fuck this up I'm gonna lose my mind. I don't have any margin for lackadaisical behavior available to me at this time.

ADVICE????

fooled13years posted 5/10/2019 13:19 PM

I was blessed not to be hounded by thoughts of the A but I have heard that when something mental is getting in the way of the task at hand that a loose fitting rubber band around the wrist that can be snapped has helped other people regain their focus. Best of luck to you.

Cooley2here posted 5/10/2019 15:31 PM

It will pass. This is Friday. Get outdoors this weekend. Find a car show, a book sale, a bazaar. Stay busy.

Coreofsteel posted 5/10/2019 16:08 PM

I agree. Don't panic. One bad day is all it is. Next week will be better. Congrats on the job!

Marz posted 5/10/2019 17:00 PM

Concentrate and focus on one task at a time.

Keep an itemized list in front of you of what you need to get done.

Check the list every hour.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:00 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

SaddestDad posted 5/10/2019 18:04 PM

Ended up being a dud. Couldn't physically go into anywhere I needed to... have a POUNDING headache. On the plus side, I did a lot more follow-up phone/email work and put a lot more pieces in motion than I realized.

It's ironic, Marz, how right you were in the first post on this page of the thread.

The thoughts are still swirling around. WW tried... "helping" me later when I got home. It helped for about 30 minutes total.

I don't know how people have Dday while holding jobs. I really don't.

The recommendation of going out over the weekend is a good one, but alas, cannot do so since it would be against my religious observance.

I also bought WW a mother's day card - but could not bring myself to write anything into it. I gave it to her blank. As time goes on and she proves herself, it'll fill itself in.

Odonna posted 5/10/2019 20:32 PM

Is there something special you can do this weekend that is consistent with your religious tenets? Something to make the time memorable and a celebration of your new job? Maybe printing out and organizing photos of your darling kids into albums? Having a storytime marathon and reading to your kids as much as they want? Are they old enough to do some reading out loud too?

Maybe baking a special dessert together and teaching the kids about how to measure and stir and make something delicious?

One day at a time. You can do it!!

SaddestDad posted 5/12/2019 09:45 AM

Is there something special you can do this weekend that is consistent with your religious tenets? Something to make the time memorable and a celebration of your new job? Maybe printing out and organizing photos of your darling kids into albums? Having a storytime marathon and reading to your kids as much as they want? Are they old enough to do some reading out loud too?
Maybe baking a special dessert together and teaching the kids about how to measure and stir and make something delicious?

Not really. We walked to our in-laws for lunch, followed by a walk back home & to the park close by.
Can't do anything on sabbath that consists of any of the actions/outings that would be beneficial for me. Can't cook on sabbath, nor use electronic devices nor drive.

Today, WW is working and I'm home with the kids. We're cooped up due to it being in the 40's and rainy. Kids are fighting with each other. Not really helpful for my headache that still keeps coming back, nor for R&R that I desperately need at the moment.

On the plus, she and I are going away this week for 2 days without the kids so at least there's that... but I definitely have noticed a trend that Fridays & Saturdays are consistently becoming "dark days" for me... and I hate that I can't seem to be good on those days no matter what's happening at that very moment.

longsadstory1952 posted 5/12/2019 18:28 PM

It's been months and so far all I see is that she is planning on seeing someone for mental health care. My gut tells me that the best thing for you would be for her to stop navel gazing and get some serious professional help.

I don't want to rehash things, but for heavens sake, she was an aldulter before she met you, and continued on for years. Videos? Planning hookups? While pretending to be Mary Poppins? She has lived your entire marriage lying to you and apparently to herself. Who does that other than a deeply disturbed person?

The chain breaker here is to have her quit being oh so concerned now that she has been caught, oh so wanting R, oh so willing to initiate with you that which she got off on before, and start digging deeply into what is up with her mentally.

You will start feeling better when she is working on her mental illness, and your kids may have a chance at having a relatively normal mom.

pureheartkit posted 5/15/2019 06:25 AM

SD, keep praying for strength. Read passages that build your spirit on days you can't do other things. Turn your mind to higher things. Pray for peace. Pray for others who suffer or are in slavery.

I am so happy you are working and can lay that worry down now. If the thoughts come at work, write a few lines such as I feel....... and then stop and go back to your task. Later on you can revisit your feelings if it's important to you.

SaddestDad posted 5/16/2019 23:49 PM

Pureheart, I'm going to try that! I also decided I'm going to try an added method (since tomorrow is Friday and I'm dreading the possibility of such again):
The past 2 days, WW and I left the kids at a friend's and went away for some R&R/us-time. We decided to keep the A-talk at a minimum, only discussing discovered self-realizations but not details of the A. It was extremely therapeutic, and I was actually able to have a great time with her while not turning the trip into a long fight!

That said, if the feelings start coming on tomorrow, I'm going to immediately call her and we'll just go over the memories and recap of the trip.
It's the first untainted memory that we share together, and I feel/hope/pray that the positivity of the memory will help be the lighthouse to guide me through the breakers.

SorrowfulMoon posted 5/18/2019 19:14 PM

You have been going through a very difficult time in all directions. You should be proud of the way you have handled this.

Give yourself credit and keep re-connecting with your wife. She will see your strength and your grace for giving her this chance. This will be banked with her and hopefully strengthen her love and respect for you.

SaddestDad posted 5/19/2019 19:53 PM

Guess what I just found out.

I am SO fucking mad right now. I'm literally sweating and shaking from anger.

Apparently, WW's 2 best friends new about the affair since they discovered ILU/missyou texts with AP on the night of her bachelorette party.
Just found out minutes ago since best friend #1 (who is also a BS with multiple Ddays) is making a party that I did not wish to go to, as I always felt this friend disliked me and during Dday had seen past texts badmouthing me.
Anyway, WW and I argued about that for weeks until she finally agreed to not go since another friend of mine is having a birthday party that same night.
She called friend just before to tell her we're not going... Friend (who had been told about the A after Dday) then said that she already told WW that we needed MC after the texts she and best friend #2 saw at bachelorette party.

What the ACTUAL fuck?!

All of a sudden, noww WW remembers that they knew about it, "oh, but they told me to end it and I told them I did."

This POS friend has the AUDACITY to tell her that I'M "being controlling and abusive" for taking her away from her friends????
She has the balls to fucking say that I'm making her choose??
When they kept it a secret for all these years?!

SaddestDad posted 5/19/2019 19:54 PM

Oh and to top it all off, she just locked me out onto the porch without shoes on because I refused to give her back her phone & iPad. She just sat down at my computer & is showing me as if she's taking meds from my desk.

I'm literally about to pack and leave.

longsadstory1952 posted 5/19/2019 21:44 PM

Take some time to breathe deeply. This kind of thing happens in situations like this.

Figure a way to get her into counseling sooner rather than later. She is too entitled still.

As for you, if you don't hold it together for your own sake, surely no one else will.

firenze posted 5/19/2019 22:24 PM

SD, are you saying your WW locked you out of the house?

If so, call the police and inform them. They'll come and force her to open up.

Sorry you're going through this. Do your best to keep a level head on your shoulders.

[This message edited by firenze at 10:25 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 00:26 AM

I just want to down this bottle while I stand in middle of the courtyard with an umbrella in this severe thunderstorm.

faithfulman posted 5/20/2019 00:44 AM

Saddest Dad, I have several thoughts:

1)
You've been at a disadvantage for a while, because you desperately want to keep your family together, and you have cultural pressures to keep your marriage intact.

2)
You still don't have the full truth. The story that your wife was having a full in sexual affair with a married man that she downgraded to an emotional and highly inappropriate relationship that was no longer physical - is bullshit. Sorry.

3)
You need to be unquestionably in charge. You don't argue about your wife going to a party. You don't want her to go, then she does not go, or else, consequences. But see #1

She has bad friends, you don't like them, gone.

Any other way doom you to a life of turmoil.

Straight talk: Your wife is not capable of being an equal partner in, let alone in charge of a good, decent, relationship.


***

You have to be ready to cut her loose.

You have to learn the whole truth.

You have to be absolutely in charge. No arguments. She can have an opinion, but what you say, goes.

Her friend said that you are controlling? Then take control and excise that person ftom your life.

Good luck.

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