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Shattered & Heartbroken

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Wool94 posted 5/20/2019 00:52 AM

SD, I just wanted to post and give you some encouragement. You are a good man and definitely do not deserve any of what is happening to you.

If she keeps you locked out, definitely call the police.

What you shouldn't do is any of the following;


I just want to down this bottle while I stand in middle of the courtyard with an umbrella in this severe thunderstorm.

I'm a fan of yours! You're going to make it and have one hell of a story when you do.

You are getting stronger day by day. It doesn't feel like it, but I can see it.

Please stay away from the alcohol. You need a clear head.

Again, me and many others are pulling for you.

The1stWife posted 5/20/2019 03:52 AM

I think you may need to reconsider Reconciliation.

Wow is that a cold heartless thing to do to someone you love and want to reconcile with.

I may be a bit off the normal behavior path but during my H’s Affair I never cursed him or treated him like dirt (he deserved it of course but I rent it wouldn’t help the situation). During Reconciliation however I said every single thing I needed to - no holding back.

Your wife on the other hand is really being nasty. There is no reason other than domestic violence to lock someone out of their home in the rain like that.

I hope you are seeing the reality of what you are married to. So sorry for you.

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 07:32 AM

Last night feels like Dday all over again - just with more anger and less sadness.
Can't even drag myself out of bed

The1stWife posted 5/20/2019 08:20 AM

SD

Do not let her poor treatment of you ruin your day. Or impact you negatively.

Yes anger can make people do really mean things.

However you need to find strength in getting up and not letting her knock you around. Take control of your life for you - figure out your next steps.

It sounded like reconciliation had started - is that still on the table? Or has all the progress been wiped away?

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 08:24 AM

It sounded like reconciliation had started - is that still on the table? Or has all the progress been wiped away?

Good question... I really don't know.
All she keeps doing is apologizing and saying she doesn't know why she acted how she did.
I mean, honestly - what more is there that she could say at this point?
All she says is sorry.
I told her already that talk is cheap at this point, especially as she spent hours defending her friends last night.

HellFire posted 5/20/2019 08:32 AM

My guess is,since she is a member here,she is,unfortunately, using SI to figure out how to lull you into a false sense of security. One of the many reasons we dont recoment bringing your WS to SI,unless you are sure,really sure,that they are remorseful, is because some WS read all the things they should be doing,and do them. But its not genuine. Theyre just looking for ways to placate their BS.

She read on here that she should NC friends who knew, friends who aren't friends of the marriage. Rather than be honest,she chose to lie, and say these friends didn't know.

She continues to show you she isn't reconciliation material.

It's time you saved yourself.

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 08:45 AM

One of the many reasons we dont recoment bringing your WS to SI,unless you are sure,really sure,that they are remorseful, is because some WS read all the things they should be doing,and do them.

We both discovered SI together at the same time. It's not like I opened the door and introduced it.

HellFire posted 5/20/2019 08:49 AM

SD, I apologize if it came across as an admonishment. I meant it as a way to caution new BS who might be reading this thread.

Locking you outside,in the rain,because she got caught in a major lie is abusive. What was she doing while you were outside? Calling her friends to warn them that you now know? How long were you outside? Did the children witness this?

vasfree posted 5/20/2019 08:51 AM

SaddestDad

I am currently in the midst of my own hell but surviving and thriving. I understand how difficult it is to accept that your WW is no longer an option for you, especially when you have 2 young children - but accept you must. It took me 13 months of living in infidelity until I hit rock bottom and realized that the person sleeping so soundly next to me is a snake. They will say and do whatever is necessary to justify their actions and flip the script in labeling you controlling and abusive. They will spin tales until you question your own sanity. They will create a toxic environment so that it becomes unhealthy for your family to continue in this new reality. I went through both physical and mental manifestations as a result of these mind games and only when my oldest son (15) pleaded with me to divorce his mother did I wake up and realize that if I did not take action to end this farce of a marriage, I would be teaching my boys that it's okay to live like this and come to regret it for the rest of my life. You know deep in your heart - as did I - that your marriage will never be the same. That you will never completely trust her and that all of the wonderful moments that you have shared together have forever been tainted by her foul actions. Take the first steps in saving yourself and your children and file. Wishing you the very best of luck and know that we are here for you.

Tigersrule77 posted 5/20/2019 08:56 AM

SD, I'm sorry you are continuing to have these struggles.

Your WW is continuing to show you that she doesn't get it. Saying "I don't know why I had an A" is total BS. If it's true, then you really can't trust her not to cheat again, as it means it could happen again at any time, for any reason. But that's like saying, "I don't know why I ran the red light". It's crap because you know why. You are selfish and didn't want to stop. You didn't want to be delayed, didn't want to wait. It was all about you. Just as the A was all about her. She is lying. Which also means you can't trust her.

Her defense of her friends and lies to you are more evidence that she doesn't get it. Protecting them was more important than giving you the full truth to help you heal. She isn't working to rebuild trust, she is in CYA mode, trying to keep the full truth from you to minimize the damage to HER. It has nothing to do with helping you, she is selfishly protecting herself.

I can't tell you what to do with the information she is giving you, I just want to help you understand. As you said, words are cheap. Her ACTIONS are telling you a whole lot, and that is what you should be listening to.

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 09:06 AM

What was she doing while you were outside? Calling her friends to warn them that you now know? How long were you outside?

The whole catalyst for her freak out was because after that discovery, I took her phone and iPad.
We don't have a landline, so she wasn't calling her friends.

The friend knows that I know because in their WhatsApp group, Isaid, "This is SD. Thank you for keeping me in the dark on your knowledge since the bachelorette party." And then removed her from the group.
Friend#1 called immediately, screaming, "did that reeeeeally just happen?!" And commenced in saying how abusive and controlling I am.
WW was oooh so nice with her dealings. It's always been that this friend is on a higher pedestal than I.

The claws are exclusively for my use and always have been.

Anyway, I took her phone & iPad. She tried yanking the phone back - both from my hand & from my pocket. I then tried to leave. She blocked the door.
I went up to the porch. She then closed the door and locked it, knocked on the glass, waved & gave the finger. Then she sat down at my computer and started showing me the pills from my desk, motioning as if she was about to take them. And then she closed the curtain.

I was up there for about 15-20 mins, during which she kept peeking out.
I finally climbed down the fire escape barefoot (I had my keys on me).
The kids did not witness this.
She claims she never knew that they knew, as she once again conveniently, "didn't remember."

HellFire posted 5/20/2019 09:51 AM

A WS who responds like that,over her phone and iPad, is still hiding a lot. I'd run recovery software on both,immediately.

I would also tell her if she's going to post on SI,she needs to be completely honest.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:51 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 09:55 AM

A WS who responds like that,over her phone and iPad, is still hiding a lot. I'd run recovery software on both,immediately.
I would also tell her if she's going to post on SI,she needs to be completely honest.

I did and I constantly do.
Honestly, there's nothing more being hidden on the devices - I'm pretty sure at this point that it was more to her fear of "being cut off from her friends."
Because they're her "support system"

I'm pretty sure she knows that she can make an active choice at any point by making plans with them. And if she does then I won't be a part of said plans, nor future plans.

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 10:09 AM

and started showing me the pills from my desk, motioning as if she was about to take them. And then she closed the curtain.

Ironically, it was imodium 🙄
It doesn't work for diarrhea of the mouth, I'm afraid.

ChamomileTea posted 5/20/2019 10:12 AM

Why did you "take her phone and ipad"?

Regardless of what goes on, you're both adults. She has an adult's agency over her person and her property. It seems to me that neither of you behaved in a particularly mature fashion in this interchange. Instead of discussing the issue, it was allowed to escalate, almost to the point of physicality as she tried to 'yank the phone from your hand and pocket', which wouldn't have happened if you hadn't helped yourself to her belongings.

Believe me, I do understand frustration. But if we can't respect another person's agency, no matter who they are, how can we expect the kind of reciprocation we desire? If you just want a divorce, there's no smoking gun necessary. We don't have to prove fault these days. You can file any time without all that. So, if you're unhappy, remember that you are NOT trapped. You also have agency, and even if some choices are difficult to make and to put in action, they're still your choices.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 10:13 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 10:28 AM

Why did you "take her phone and ipad"?

I took it because I wanted to see what these "froends" were going to text/call her with. I did not trust that she wouldn't delete the messages so I couldn't see. In fact, I trusted that she definitely WOULD have done so and would have apologized to them telling them she'll call them today so that it's while I'm not around & allow them to continue to poison her.
You're right. It was immature. It was while we were trying to talk but I was also caught in the red haze of anger, so even while I was trying to talk with her I was also trying to actively not listen - as she was stammering how she didn't remember and she's so sorry, etc.
It's like every single watershed moment in her/our lives, this POS has been there to muck it all up.

What upset me the most is that her friends never told her to tell me. They just told her to end it. And that friend is a BS herself!
When she was talking on the phone, the friend kept saying that what she went through was worse than what I'm going through pain-wise. But her and her WH were high school sweethearts before any A's. They HAD a foundation that was built, rather than a foundation of bull. His A happened during her pregnancies - pretty easy trigger to avoid if she keeps her IUD in.
My triggers are every goddam season. Every freaking hour. Every branch of a specific bank (2 different bank chains, actually) that I pass.

ChamomileTea posted 5/20/2019 10:56 AM

Regardless of what her friends do (or don't do), the point is still that you're unhappy. But here's the thing though... no one can fix that but you. I'm not gonna hand you all that "happiness is a choice" crap. But I will tell you that with very small exception, we are where we've decided to be. What we make of that is up to us. It sounds like such a simple concept, accepting that we are NOT trapped by our lives, but I can't begin to describe how freeing it is. It's not that you become instantly happy and content, it's more like you stop worrying about what other people are doing.

If you believe your wife is still cheating, you can leave her. If you think she's not still cheating, you can stay and see what happens. ALL the choices about your life are ultimately yours (unless you're hit by a chunk of space debris or something). So, once you truly realize that, you start looking around to see what's working in your life and what isn't. I'm not saying we can have everything just the way we want it. Certainly, we can't control what other people do. But we have that control over ourselves and we have our own choices to make in response to the behavior of others.

Try it on for 15 minutes. See if you notice a change in your inner monologue. I got victimized, but I'm not required to bog myself down in that for the rest of my life. The door is right there. It's an easy concept that you can't control other people, but the canvass is vast when you start exploring what you absolutely do have control over.

sisoon posted 5/20/2019 12:11 PM

My W kept her A to herself, so I have no experience with friends that knew, but friends who told her to stop are better friends than many WSes have - too many actually help the WS conduct the A.

I wonder about your anger at her friends, though. IMO, it's unusual for a WS's friend to tell the BS. Before becoming a BS, I think it's the choice I would have made. So what's the anger really about?

It could be exactly what you wrote, but it may be something else. Just check to make sure what you're angry about.

I'm also puzzled about your response to the lockout. You describe a fight that got out of hand. Taking her devices might have been childish. Locking you out probably was childish and cruel. But you didn't mention that you had your keys until late in the dialog. I imagined you shivering on a cold day with no option but for her to relent, but that wasn't the case.

I don't get your W. I don't know if she's a good candidate for R or not. I don't know if this last fight was a misstep or a nail in R's coffin. If you're going through the same uncertainty, you are not crazy. The future really is uncertain, and that is very difficult to live with.

Are you in a position to do some IC and MC sessions yet? I think a good MC could help get your W to understand that her only hope of R is to come clean. I think a good IC can help you process your feelings and evaluate your W as a candidate for R.

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 12:11 PM

If you believe your wife is still cheating, you can leave her. If you think she's not still cheating, you can stay and see what happens.

I do not believe for a second that she is still cheating.

Try it on

I will. Starting now.
Thank you for giving me something to think about & a reasonable goal/action for myself.

I got victimized, but I'm not required to bog myself down in that for the rest of my life

Are you saying you were, or rather, as an example of what I should try to say/explore in my head?
If you were, how'd you get past it & how long did it take?

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 12:26 PM

But you didn't mention that you had your keys until late in the dialog.

I honestly wasn't thinking in detail at the time of the first post. If I were, I'd have written the entire post with all of the details to begin with.
As for the keys, yes, I had them on me - but initially, I hadn't thought to use them since I was freaking out from anger AND from the fear thst she was going to do something with the pills. I didn't even know at that tine which pills they were. Most of the pills over there are benign, but a few of them certainly aren't benign. I also have a small knife collection in that room which she knows about.

Once I did think of the keys (which was as the lightning from the incoming storm started to roll in and the curtain was completely closed), I had to climb down the fire escape barefoot & walk around the side of the building (we're in an apartment complex, I had to pass a neighbor's private entrance) to the main door of the building, and then down to our front door - all while panicking that she did something drastic AND while being angry about the entire situation.

You're right about the friends. I need to start thinking about why that upset me as much as she did. It may have to do with the fact that when we were dating, she had said that anyone who her friends don't accept could be the most perfect guy in the world, but that she would side with those friends. Because of that, even after we were married, I was ALWAYS trying to impress them. Friend #1 knows my brother and always hated him. I always felt that she equated me to him and always seemed to have something personally against me.
She's also extremely manipulative and controlling, which I'd always said even before Dday.
Every time we went to then for a weekend, there was always a monstrous blowup either immediately after we left or while there.
Hence, my feeling that they're not friends of the marriage.
Although I'm not yet in a position, I'm starting to see that it can't be delayed any further for either of us.

In spite of last night, I still feel she is a candidate for R once she gets past her aggressiveness - which IC for her could hopefully resolve.
As you've all told me before, I can always go the other route if I feel it necessary, but R can't easily be attained if I go that other route brazenly and impulsively.

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