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Shattered & Heartbroken

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SaddestDad posted 2/18/2019 12:17 PM

How can those monitoring methods be gone around?

She accepts that what she did was F'd up and is able to read it the way that I do (at first she was upset that I was adding my "tone" to certain texts) and she understands how wrong it was, but adamantly states there were no feelings behind the words for the last half of the A('s).
She's been open to everything and anything that I want and definitely does wish to R. I wish to as well, I just have no idea how long it'll take for me, especially since I can't even get myself outside. I don't eat or drink anything throughout the day. I've stopped taking my ADHD meds because being stuck at home while on them will just make my mind race even more.

LtCdrLost posted 2/18/2019 12:17 PM

Go nuclear on all the AP's. Expose them, nothing will kill this faster. Inform their wives with no notice of warning to your WW. She WILL warn them.

ShutterHappy posted 2/18/2019 13:13 PM

How can those monitoring methods be gone around?

She can get a burner phone

Dismayed2012 posted 2/18/2019 13:32 PM

Tell the other betrayed spouses what their husbands have been doing with your wife. Don't hesitate on this. They deserve to know just as you deserve to know.

Also know that this is 100% on your wife. She's the culprit in all of this. She's the one that entertained the other men. She's the one that wanted to continue the relationships. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the baggage she brought into the marriage. Also realize that she lied at the alter. Forsaking all others is part of marriage. She never forsook the other men even while going through the motions with you. That's pretty damn traitorous.

Take care of yourself. Don't worry about eating. Your body will tell you when it's ready for food again. Exercise is important right now to help you clear your head and help calm your emotions. Your pain and response is normal. We've all been through it. Just know that it's only temporary.

Jduff posted 2/18/2019 13:46 PM

She's been open to everything and anything that I want and definitely does wish to R

But, does SHE want to be married at all? Does SHE understand the definition if marriage according to you? Does she understand the concept if fidelity? Does she understand what it means to uphold marital vows?

Most affairs start with the slippery slope of testing boundaries, progressing to EA then PA. It's a continual process of small decisions to push boundaries and rationalize. What your WW did was basically have three men in play for a majority if your M. That's some multi-tasking "fucking around" that takes some skill and experience. She has a lot of skeletons in that closet of hers.

Stevesn posted 2/18/2019 13:53 PM

SaddestDad

Iím sorry you are here.

I suggest you be very honest with her about what you are feeling. Make sure she knows.

Something like this:

Your actions have betrayed me. They are infidelity. You have cheated on me and it has broken my heart.

If we are going to have a chance to survive this, and I am not making any promises that we will, but if we are going to have a chance you need to be extremely honest with me. About everything.

If thatís not important to you, then let me know and Iíll work to legally end the marriage you have so seriously damaged.

But if you do want to try and save us and our relationship then I need honesty, starting with a complete timeline of your interactions, verbal, emotional and physical with all 3 of these men.

If Iím going to recover from this then I need to know exactly what has happened. So write me a full timeline of your affairs and we will review them this weekend. Leave nothing out and include how each interaction made you feel at the time.

We have a long road ahead of us to repair the damage you have caused. If we are not bothe ALL IN and on board we will not succeed.

SD, the other thing you should ask her for is a written plan to heal you and repair the M. Tell her to do her own research and reading on how to create the first draft of such a plan, what should be in it, and that you will review it together when she has completed the first pass at it.

You have the ability to R, but working on R is much different than BEING in R. It takes years of hard work to achieve.

Itís ok if her actions were a deal breaker for you and you want to end the M and move on. But if you want to work on things then these are the first steps. Donít let her off the hook for doing the work needed. If you want to succeed and find a happy M again, you canít let things slip.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:56 PM, February 18th (Monday)]

SaddestDad posted 2/18/2019 15:12 PM

Stevens, that is excellent advice that speaks to me. Thank you!

Stevesn posted 2/18/2019 15:23 PM

Ok thatís good. If you take that approach a few things....

- I will send you a private message (PM) with a list of things to look for in such a plan. Let me know if you cannot find the PM section here. You should be able to get to it from your profile

- at a minimum it should contain things that others have suggested to you: sending a No Contact (NC) letter that you approve to each AP, starting individual counseling IC to work on why she thought this was ok to do, helping you contact the spouses of the APs so they know whatís happening in their relationships and are not blind to it like you were, writing the timeline, writing an apology letter, and many other things

- you need to eat and drink. Even if just protein shakes. Weíve had several BSís end up in the hospital because they were dehydrated. Donít let this happen to you.

Keep posting and asking questions. We are here to help!

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:26 PM, February 18th (Monday)]

Bigger posted 2/18/2019 17:57 PM

Stevesn has offered you some excellent advice and I second his approach.
I want to suggest a couple of nuances or additions:
In that speech you need to outline a bit more than your need for honesty. She could be totally honest and tell you sheís meeting OM tonight. It would be true and honest, but not conductive to saving the marriage. You need to add a few, clear and simple enforceable demands. After ďabout everythingĒ add something like: ďYou need to offer me assurances that there is no contact and accept total transparency while trust is rebuiltĒ.
I would also add:

ďKeep in mind that the only think keeping me in the marriage is my will to be here and a weak hope that we could work things out. Any ongoing infidelity, learning of omissions and/or lies or discovering you have been in any form of contact with OM erodes both my will to be here and my belief this is salvageableĒ

There are some actions she needs to do, some you need to do and some you do together. IF you two are working at R it will be a marathon rather than a sprint, so itís OK to pace yourself. Itís OK to take periods where you barely move along and then periods where you sprint. The key issue is that you always keep momentum, are always moving forwards. Be totally honest with yourself and regularly evaluate where you are, your progress and the speed.

The NC letters: Short and to the point with NO emotions. A key sentence is at the bottom where you have requested that the OM never again contact her:

ďI will not contact you in any way or form and request that you do not contact me in any way or form. Any breach of this request will be shared with my husband and can lead to legal action.Ē

The KEY element here is that IF he breaks NC (and you canít control that) your WW should let you know. Get those letters out in the next 24 hours.

One of the things you do is expose the affair to the OMW. Your WW involvement in that should be minimal. Itís simply something you do and something you do in the next 48 hours. Get it over with. Donít let your WW know. Just do it.


Robert22205https posted 2/18/2019 18:52 PM

sent you a pm on work arounds

faithfulman posted 2/18/2019 19:46 PM

If you have the access to her devices you stated, you need to purchase the phone recovery software "Fonelab", and recover the deleted content from her phone, which will include texts, photos, videos, call history, and a ton of stuff ftom "cheater apps" like whatsaapp, viber, kik and so on.

Don't use "Dr. Fone", it sucks.

You may be shocked at what you find.

I believe there are versions for Android devices as well.

Sharkman posted 2/18/2019 23:29 PM

One small nuisanced correction from above - get in touch with her boyfriendís wife BEFORE the No Contact letter is sent. Has she warned him yet that you know? By talking to the wife first youíll prevent him from creating a cover story in the event that she doesnít know and itíll allow you to know if sheís betrayed you by going behind your back since dday to warn him.

Dragonfly123 posted 2/19/2019 03:09 AM

Youíve had some great advice. Iím just going to add that these are NOT Ďremnants of her pastí, that implies that itís the particular relationships with these men that are the problem. Affairs are perpetrated by a void inside the adulterer, a Ďbrokennessí she WILL do this again if she doesnít work to truly heal herself. The APs could be ANYONE. And a cheater will seek out another if they donít fix themselves. What is SHE doing other than saying sorry and no doubt lots of crocodile tears to address this? Itís my experience that very few cheaters immediately get it and express remorse. Their usual reaction is regret that they got caught. Iím not saying your marriage canít be healed but the stronger your understanding of affairs the more powerful you will be. Read all you can to support yourself through this. Good luck

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 5:46 AM, February 19th (Tuesday)]

Lostallalone posted 2/19/2019 04:29 AM

You may want to get a dna test on your kids. Just a thuoght. I know what your going thru. I hurt for you. Take care

steadychevy posted 2/19/2019 06:07 AM

Others above have already addressed this but I wanted to add my two bits to emphasize their points. Your WW was flirting/sexting with a married man who she was physical with before your marriage and you blame him. She's flirting/sexting with 2 other married men and I extrapolate then that you blame them, too. Yes, they are DOGS. Their married and cheaters. However, your WW is entirely 100% to blame. If there was sex before and the sexting/flirting carried on after marriage I would be very, very, very suspicious there was physical adultery after, as well.

Did her marriage vows, made so recently, mean nothing to her? What does forsake all others mean to her? You said the same vows, SaddestDad. Did that give you entitlement to carry on with previous relationships and start new ones?

These are all choices your WW made time after time. She may be so sorry and a fool, etc. but she did it deliberately and kept it a secret. You may never have found out and that was the plan. Give your child a hug.

She should get tested for STDs and so should you. It's been suggested to get your children DNA tested. I believe you should as well. I also suggest a polygraph to determine if there was any physical cheating in addition to the EA/flirting/sexting. A poly may instigate a parking lot confession and DNA testing threat may. too, but go through with both anyway.

She should provide you with a written timeline showing as much information and feelings as possible. Writing it out can and often does stimulate more memory. It should be written so it can be added to. TT (trickle truth) is destructive. She needs to come completely clean. It shouldn't take months of cross examination to pry details out. She needs to be totally open, honest and transparent. No rugsweeping. A good marriage should be that way, anyway.

She has to rebuild trust. It's on her. It is her task. Actions over words. She needs to be proactive in finding out why her behaviour was acceptable to her and escalating to even more rotten behaviour. You can't fix her. She needs to carry her own water.

All marriages have issues. They are shared to some extent. Infidelity is entirely on the cheater. Inform the OBSs. There are three that you know of. She may only disclose what your able to prove and activities your able to prove (flirting/sexting vs sex, how many, how long, etc.). Tell them. They deserve to know for their own safety and to have a say and make decisions in their own life.

You're just getting started. You've heard these now - roller coaster, marathon not sprint, long haul. All true. R is a possibility but will only be successful, IMO, where the WS throws everything they have at repairing themselves and the marriage genuinely. D is also a viable option.

SaddestDad posted 2/19/2019 13:45 PM

Update:
Went through her mostly-defunct laptop. Found videos that she had with AP from before it was an affair (ie before my time). Not the end of the world, except that she had sworn there was only one video they ever made, and that she deleted it after putting it onto CD (which was subsequently broken when we got engaged). I found 3 videos. 2 of the 3 have his face and wedding ring showing. I'm editing them together to send to his spouse upon contacting her to give her the news.
On one hand, I want him to suffer. On the other hand, the main reason for this is because she deserves to know. I'm making sure to have zoom-ins on his ring and face between clips so that she doesn't get denial and believe the videos from a spurned lover from before they were married.
I hope she does what's right and I hope he gets syphilis soon after.

SaddestDad posted 2/19/2019 13:48 PM

She is definitely putting in the effort. She's searching for an IC, has been checking in constantly & we are going for a ring-sizing for a new ring for me because I can't bear to look at the one I'm wearing right now. She's been opening up sexually and we've already tried things in the past few days that she has refused for years.

Am I a bad man for potentially taking advantage of her vulnerability to achieve the things I've wanted and not had for so long? (Not a totally rhetorical question)

trustedg posted 2/19/2019 14:01 PM

I hope you took the advice of others and got STD testing. stds are on the rise, I got two from my WH.

xhz700 posted 2/19/2019 14:57 PM

Am I a bad man for potentially taking advantage of her vulnerability to achieve the things I've wanted and not had for so long? (Not a totally rhetorical question)

Nah, have fun, might as well get something out of this. I would warn you not to let your new sexually open wife cloud your judgment on how you proceed. This could be her trying to honestly reconnect with you, or this could be her trying to lull you into staying and rugsweeping her shitty, shitty actions.

ShutterHappy posted 2/19/2019 15:12 PM

Treat the OBS kindly. She will hurt just as much as you do. Also, She may turn out to be a good source of information for you.

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