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Shattered & Heartbroken

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ChamomileTea posted 5/20/2019 12:50 PM

Are you saying you were, or rather, as an example of what I should try to say/explore in my head?
If you were, how'd you get past it & how long did it take?

Certainly as a BS I was victimized. I didn't choose my WH's actions. He went on a Craigslist binge with multiple partners and varying degrees of emotional attachment. I had no vote in that, no agency as to whether I was willing to invite other people into our marriage. But in the aftermath, I had to eventually conclude that even if someone turns you into a victim, you can choose not to remain one.

Once all the facts are in, we have a choice over where we'll stand. If it's a deal-breaker and we just don't want to be with our fWS anymore, it's not wrong to act on that. And if we still want to continue the relationship, we have to own our choice to be where we are. I decided to stay. That's on me from here on out, for as long as I continue choosing to stay. In taking responsibility for my present choices, I relieve myself of feeling stuck, trapped by someone else's choices past or present. I was a victim, but I'm not anymore.

Anyway, I don't think anyone who is intimately betrayed ever "get's over it". We carry our scars forward. I'll never trust naively again. I'm so much less tolerant of bullshit. I've got boundaries now (and these days I can identify other people's incursions with an eagle eye). It's a long process, but the bleeding stops, the wounds close over, and the aches and pains of the past aren't immediate anymore.

One of the weirdest parts of trauma injury is the number it does on our sense of TIME. The past feels present, particularly when we're triggered. Part of leaving the victim role behind is allowing an awareness that we really have moved further down the path, and so have all the people and circumstances surrounding us. It might feel like we're experiencing the past, but feelings aren't facts. We've grown and learned. We're no longer naive. We're in control of our present. The view from where we are isn't the same as it was when we were traumatized. Sometimes, it just helps to look up and check out the new terrain and alter course as needed.

Does that make sense to you? I'm having a hard time verbalizing a big concept today, one that plays out in my head like a lazy, flowing river. Scenes change from my vantage point as I take in whatever new information I observe, an it's this new data stream which informs my choices for today. I can't change the past. It's far behind me. But I'm in charge of whatever direction I take now.

However you get there, whatever mantra works for you, the bottom line is that you leave the role of victim in the past when you take charge of your choices in the present.

Rustylife posted 5/20/2019 17:39 PM

((SaddestDad)), at this point, what I would suggest is putting a hold to this reconciliation. Get your health in order, establish a good daily routine wrt job and kids. Look after yourself. You don't need your wife to do that. You still haven't regained your footing and so these blowouts keep happening where you do things that you'll regret later. She's responsible for her actions but the same applies to you as well.

I'll keep repeating it. You don't need your wife to heal. I feel like the grim reaper but imo your relationship is doomed. She has made you live a lie from the start. She has no passion for you. She has been manipulative and controlling everh aspect of it. From the sex to the minutae of daily life. It's going to be next to impossible for her to cede control(assuming it ever happens is a far stretch at this point).

Be honest, if it wasn't for your religious beliefs and the fact that maybe she wasn't physically involved with the AP, would you be trying to reconcile? And oh, this wasn't the only AP.

Just put your health first and focus on the job. All this can wait.

SaddestDad posted 5/20/2019 20:36 PM

Just discovered the 99% chance of unprotected sex with POSOM... WW has no memory of it but her gut agrees that it definitely must have happened based upon all of the hard evidence.
Guess today's DDay #2....

And yet, I'm not as livid as I expected.
I'm not out the door. Last night probably upset me even more than this in many ways.
I guess I must have already been mentally prepared for the PA probability.

I can't say I'm indifferent, as that would be a lie, but I'm definitely in a state of shock once again. I'm sure it'll hit me like a ton of bricks later on, but I feel like I'll be more equipped to handle it now than before.

She's floored and humiliated as well, as she literally cannot remember having been physical with him once I was in the picture, let alone once we were engaged, but the puzzle pieces all finally line up.

The Lament Configuration has now been clicked into the opening sequence.

As Pinhead says, " No tears please. It's a waste of good suffering."

Or as Freddy says, "EVERY town has an Elm Street!"

And the coaster keeeeeeeeps on flying along. FML.

faithfulman posted 5/20/2019 20:50 PM

Just discovered the 99% chance of unprotected sex with POSOM...

Do you mean she had unprotected sex prior to your relationship starting? Of course she did.


WW has no memory of it but her gut agrees that it definitely must have happened based upon all of the hard evidence.

Dude.... she remembers pretty much EVERYTHING.

Please stop believing unbelievable nonsense. Cheating and lying actions are deliberate and require conscious decisions to create and act on opportunity and to deceive.


She's floored and humiliated as well, as she literally cannot remember having been physical with him once I was in the picture, let alone once we were engaged, but the puzzle pieces all finally line up.

Is your CW admitting to having a sexual relationship with this man after you got together and/or got engaged?

But saying she doesn't remember? She's lying. She literally can remember.

People do not forget when they cheat on their new boyfriend.

People do not forget when they cheat on their fiance.

If she is telling you she forgot that she had sex with him after you got together - she is lying. And I guarantee you there are plenty more lies to be discovered.

Judge Judy: "If it doesn't make sense it isn't true."

Even stupid actions makes sense within their own context.

Please stop believing stupid lies. It is eating you alive.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 8:51 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

SaddestDad posted 5/21/2019 01:12 AM

Just discovered the 99% chance of unprotected sex with POSOM...
Do you mean she had unprotected sex prior to your relationship starting? Of course she did.

WW has no memory of it but her gut agrees that it definitely must have happened based upon all of the hard evidence.
Dude.... she remembers pretty much EVERYTHING.

Please stop believing unbelievable nonsense. Cheating and lying actions are deliberate and require conscious decisions to create and act on opportunity and to deceive.

She's floored and humiliated as well, as she literally cannot remember having been physical with him once I was in the picture, let alone once we were engaged, but the puzzle pieces all finally line up.
Is your CW admitting to having a sexual relationship with this man after you got together and/or got engaged?

But saying she doesn't remember? She's lying. She literally can remember.

People do not forget when they cheat on their new boyfriend.

People do not forget when they cheat on their fiance.

If she is telling you she forgot that she had sex with him after you got together - she is lying. And I guarantee you there are plenty more lies to be discovered.

Judge Judy: "If it doesn't make sense it isn't true."

Even stupid actions makes sense within their own context.

Please stop believing stupid lies. It is eating you alive.


'Kay.

ShutterHappy posted 5/21/2019 03:35 AM

Regarding your fight,

It needs to be understood that you need to have access to electronic devices, as part of thr R conditions. You don’t need to fight for it. It’s an unfortunate consequence of her wayward behavior. Besides, “her” phone is not really her phone, it’s common property, same as your phone or the TV remote.

If you don’t trust some of her friends and they are constantly saying negative things about you, they are no friends of your marriage and they should go.

I would not tolerate “friends” that keeps on telling me bad things about my wife and try to break my marriage. Those are not friends.

In your narrative, whether you mention your keys in the first or third paragraph is irrelevant. What is relevant is that you need to sit down and have a talk with your WW about what you need to heal and her friends’ attitude towards you.

Having her friend (a BS) tell your WW that her pain is worst than your pain is stupid. How is that comment helping you and your wife reconcile? And if they are hindering your R, why are still her “friends”?

Sharkman posted 5/21/2019 05:38 AM

Nobody forgets having sex.

Western posted 5/21/2019 06:50 AM

how is she a candidate for R if she keeps friends who are poisoning the marriage ?

What exactly is your gameplan at this point ?

Why do you feel, with her anger issues and her ongoing behaviors and a history of being a serial cheater, that she can be a safe partner to you ?

SaddestDad posted 5/21/2019 06:50 AM

Regarding your fight,
It needs to be understood that you need to have access to electronic devices, as part of thr R conditions. You don’t need to fight for it. It’s an unfortunate consequence of her wayward behavior.

She knows this. That night she had backslid thanks to her friend suggesting that she has to be an equal part of the relationship and that I have no right to her electronic devices or breaching privacy (lol)

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/21/2019 06:52 AM

Unless she was extremely intoxicated or drugged, she remembers having sex with OM.

Rustylife posted 5/21/2019 08:45 AM

This changes nothing wrt what you need to do right now. I will strongly suggest(again) to focus on your personal health, job and spend quality time with the kids.

LivingWithPain posted 5/21/2019 11:46 AM

She knows this. That night she had backslid thanks to her friend suggesting that she has to be an equal part of the relationship and that I have no right to her electronic devices or breaching privacy (lol)

This person who told her this is no "friend".

The friend needs to go, as in yesterday.

SaddestDad posted 5/21/2019 12:32 PM

This person who told her this is no "friend"

You're preaching to the choir

Lp0725 posted 5/21/2019 13:05 PM

No way she doesn't remember if she had sex with him after she met you. She is full of shit. She's just feeding you more lies. I know you need some time to process this, but as long as she continues lying about this R will be impossible. You don't even know yet what you're actually forgiving. At this point, tell her she needs to take a polygraph or she needs to hit the road. You need the full truth. You are entitled to know who she really is and what she's really done! I can't believe the nerve of her to say she doesn't remember. That's crazy! She's treating you like an imbecile.

SaddestDad posted 5/21/2019 13:14 PM

Respectfully, I understand where you're coming from, LP. If I were reading this without knowing the backstory, without watching her facial language & body language to determine the truth vs untruth, I would agree with you in a heartbeat.
That said, since DDay 1, I have been hypervigilant not just in sniffing out lies, but also in sniffing out when she's telling the truth.
She's NOT lying. I'm starting to realize that once she realized how far she'd gone, it became a traumatic event for her internally.

She literally had zero recollection because her mind was protecting her not from me, but from herself and the power of the guilt of the memory.
Does it make her right or absolve her? Fuck no!
But now that I've opened the memory and shown her the hard evidence while leaving it open for her to make the connections herself, the details are starting to come out. Not as TT for me, but it's her mind literally TT'ing herself.

It's tragic & doesn't make it less difficult for me in any way, but that's fuckin' life.

WilliamM posted 5/21/2019 13:18 PM

Does your wife understand how toxic this friend is to your relationship? Does she understand that she is putting the friend first and her opinions and thoughts as more important? If she is not willing to let this friend go then this drama will be in your life and marriage for quite some time.

HellFire posted 5/21/2019 14:04 PM

Gently, you are in denial.

A woman knows if she had sex with a man who is not her husband. She may have buried this really deep, but she knew.

If you are going to continue to attempt reconciliation, she needs to take a polygraph.

xhz700 posted 5/21/2019 14:14 PM

She literally had zero recollection because her mind was protecting her not from me, but from herself and the power of the guilt of the memory.

I don't care what you think you know about your wife, but the idea that she doesn't remember sex, searching online about a pregnancy scare, and getting plan-b is so far beyond preposterous, I don't even know what to say.

faithfulman posted 5/21/2019 14:34 PM

If your wife literally cannot remember screwing some other guy while she was with you - or whatever it was she did - then you've got bigger problems than a lying and cheating wife.

Then you are dealing with an unbalanced person. Someone who is ill.

Then you won't ever be able to trust her. She can do anything, hide the evidence until you find out, and tell you later that she doesn't remember.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/21/2019 14:48 PM

SD, I agree with the others. You are in denial. Like so many BS that come on here, they believe their situation is unique, somehow their WW is different or the situation is different. Most of the time, it isnt.

So many like you (including myself) at the beginning think that they know better than the collective wisdom of the 70K people here, but make no mistake, the long time members on here are right almost all of the time. Its one of my biggest regrets, as I've told someone, not immediately implementing the advice from here. Whether it saves your marriage or not, it will get you out of infidelity and wrestles the control back into your life so that you can once again lead it in the direction that it needs to go.

Right now, you wife has gone nuts, and she has the peanut gallery of friends giving her bad advice. You don't have a wife that is a good candidate for R. Maybe in a few months she might come around, but you need to get rid of that one friend for good.

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