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Shattered & Heartbroken

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SaddestDad posted 5/29/2019 13:38 PM

Good luck to you. I'm out.

LWP, is that because I said the following?

I''m bringing this thread back to the roots, which is to discuss (and, hopefully, receive support on):
MY feelings
MY wellbeing
MY difficulties
MY healing
MY challenges
MY needs
MY understandings

LWP, is it because I've said straight out that I'm no longer going to explain the meanings (as I understand them) behind her reasonings - so the thread's about to become yet another like any other (sorry for the loss of popcorn value)... or is it because I said I'm going to focus on myself and there is nothing further that you need to say/add, as you're glad that I finally acknowledge such and am trying to start focusing on me?
Either way, it probably would've been a bit nicer for you to just ghost the thread instead of making a foot-stomp and slamming the door behind you.
Just sayin'.

nekonamida posted 5/29/2019 13:48 PM

SD, I think you're right to focus on yourself more but I too see a strong defensiveness to many of your posts when it comes to your WW. And I also think that you might retreat into yourself as a response to when things aren't going well with her. That can be a great thing if you're using that focus to work on yourself, heal, and detach. That can be a bad thing if you're using it as a smoke screen to ignore your WW's bad behavior.

Only time will tell if she shapes up for R or not. You really should be using this time to prepare yourself for every outcome - even the ones you don't want to acknowledge right now. It's not clear at all which direction she will go towards.

SaddestDad posted 5/29/2019 14:04 PM

I also think that you might retreat into yourself as a response to when things aren't going well with her. That can be a great thing if you're using that focus to work on yourself, heal, and detach. That can be a bad thing if you're using it as a smoke screen to ignore your WW's bad behavior

Honestly, I think it's somewhere in between, as I'm not ignoring behavior nor am I trying to use retreat as a smoke screen, however, I'm also, unfortunately, not using it to my advantage to take care of myself more as I should.

The worst part for me is that getting enveloped in work WOULD help detach me, but I can't seem to just GET INTO IT!

Forget "top-of-my-game..." I'm not even on the freaking field!
While I understand this, I still can't seem to close my eyes nor my mind to the thoughts and images that don't stop swirling around. I can't put on a smile and pretend to be alright (they can read through bullshit quicker than I can write it) - but going into prospective clients' offices miserable ALSO would immediately kill any career potential for me as well.

By the time I get home, I don't even want to go to the gym, even though I know I should.
I can't even play PS4 to unwind because I'm too stressed (haven't played in years, it's basically hardware that's devoted to YouTube & Netflix for the kids).

I feel like I'm dying from the inside out.
The daily cycle of my thoughts are wearing down on me.
Each day that I wake up, they start off stronger & stronger, with less hope that I'll be or feel better.

ISurvived7734 posted 5/29/2019 16:31 PM

In over 20 years of listening to or reading about infidelity I've never encountered a single case where an EA didn't turn physical when the two of them are in reasonable proximity of each other. Maybe this will be the first, but I doubt OP will do the digging necessary to find out the truth.

Good luck.

SaddestDad posted 5/29/2019 16:49 PM

In over 20 years of listening to or reading about infidelity I've never encountered a single case where an EA didn't turn physical when the two of them are in reasonable proximity of each other. Maybe this will be the first, but I doubt OP will do the digging necessary to find out the truth.

Hey Survived, OP here.
I did the digging necessary and did, in fact, discover the sexual PA both during the time we dated, as well as while we were engaged, so your wisdom & your track record is still not besmirched in any way whatsoever.

I also still suspect at least 2 other sexual encounters and, unfortunately, will not be surprised once they're confirmed.

SaddestDad posted 5/29/2019 16:51 PM

PS your tagline is AWESOME! My SIL drove the wrong way down a one-way for almost 10 blocks while I and my nieces were in the car, so I can definitely relate.

Just gave me a well-needed laugh. Thank you for that!

ISurvived7734 posted 5/29/2019 17:14 PM

You're very welcome.

I appreciate that you've done enough digging to uncover all you want to uncover at this point. As for me, I had to know the whole truth and didn't stop until I got as much as I was ever going to get. It was ugly but I had to know. I know that I will NEVER get the full, untarnished truth. They will never admit to things that they believe will hurt you and that you can not possibly find out about. They tell themselves they are protecting you but, of course, they are protecting themselves.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 5:15 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

SaddestDad posted 5/29/2019 17:21 PM

As for me, I had to know the whole truth and didn't stop until I got as much as I was ever going to get

Same here, regardless of how some may think I'm responding. Calling it "Defense" of my WW as opposed to seeing it for what it is - delving into the details and jumping back into the deep-end to grab the sanity that fell out of my pocket when I was thrown in headfirst.

They tell themselves they are protecting you but, of course, they are protecting themselves.

Which is exactly why she's on the way to her first session of IC as I write this.

Rustylife posted 5/29/2019 17:48 PM

You've only known this since February and with no firm direction to go, it will take a while to stabilize. Once the indecision is over, the whole thing becomes much more palatable. You're taking the right steps now. Much more of an attempt to focus on yourself rather than driving this reconciliation.

Also,I'd disagree on this friend NC with the rest of the posters. It's just hard to remove a friend from your life and can be seen as manipulative. Can't really send these NC letters to everyone. She should have phased them out on her own but fact is that she had no guilt about her actions and certainly didn't think of it as too damaging. And when your WW says that she can't control her anger and fears lashing out, that's such a cop out. She's an adult and should learn to respond in a manner which shows empathy to you.

My biggest fear for you remains that this is a much bigger affair than what you're expecting and it will keep trickling down over the years. But your recent posts are much more grounded and decisive. Always remember, your personal healing is independent of what she does.

SaddestDad posted 5/29/2019 18:08 PM

Can't really send these NC letters to everyone. She should have phased them out on her own but fact is that she had no guilt about her actions and certainly didn't think of it as too damaging. And when your WW says that she can't control her anger and fears lashing out, that's such a cop out. She's an adult and should learn to respond in a manner which shows empathy to you.

All of this is true. I know it's a cop-out as well, perhaps I just didn't want to admit that part of it.

I had a realization (probably not for the first time) that much of what I respond to others in this thread with is also responding to my own fears.

As for your biggest fear - I share that fear VERY much, which is probably the ONLY reason that I feel I'll be more prepared to handle it if/when it occurs.
I'm not putting my head in the sand, nor am I blocking my ears and singing.

I will admit though that even though I know it's up in the air whether it's D or R and can't be determined yet one way or the other, envisioning anything other than R still scares the absolute shit out of me

survrus posted 5/29/2019 19:26 PM

SD,

Excluding the hysterical bonding stage, do you think your WW will or does feel intense romantic love for you.

I know with my W after OM1 something died I would kiss her but she never really kissed back, I felt like I was manipulating a manikin to create the appearance of love.

I thought that by meeting her needs and being a better person she would someday come back to me but it never happened.

There's a long term question for you also what will you feel in 5,10 and 20 years.

SaddestDad posted 5/29/2019 19:46 PM

Hey Surv,
I do feel that she does currently have an intense romantic love for me now, NOT using HB as a basis. I can foresee her continuing to, but... idk, I feel it would be foolish for me to look 5, 10, 20 years down the line while I'm still trying to get 5 months down the line

RocketRaccoon posted 5/29/2019 20:59 PM

envisioning anything other than R still scares the absolute shit out of me

Why is that? Have you explored this with your IC?

Is it because you are worried that you might not be able to bring up your kids on your own? Is it because you might not find someone else, so you hang on to the devil you know, than the devil you don't?

Sorry to say this, but you don't know your WW anymore. You thought you did.... Do not make the mistake that you really know her. If you really knew her, you would not be in this situation now.

SaddestDad posted 5/29/2019 21:19 PM

Why is that? Have you explored this with your IC?

Is it because you are worried that you might not be able to bring up your kids on your own?

Unfortunately, IC got delayed until this coming Sunday. That's definitely something to it, Rocket. I, however, know her better than I ever have. Not exaggerating. DDay 1 & 2 opened up more communication than we've ever had prior. Obviously, I know this is not what you wish to hear, but it's the truth.

Either way, I've gotta do me. It'll be tough but I need to let her work on herself while I focus on my own healing, pitiful as it is at the moment...

RocketRaccoon posted 5/29/2019 21:55 PM

Either way, I've gotta do me. It'll be tough but I need to let her work on herself while I focus on my own healing, pitiful as it is at the moment.

Correct. Focus on your own healing first! Very cliched, but the only person that will stay with you throughout your life, is yourself.

Get better, sort out what is holding you down. After that is sorted, you will be able to make better decisions, rather than be fearful of unknowns.

SaddestDad posted 5/30/2019 06:57 AM

Correct. Focus on your own healing first!

I'm trying to. At this very moment, I'm trying to push myself to get into the car to head to work, and the stupid A-thoughts are spiraling around.

SaddestDad posted 5/30/2019 12:55 PM

Today seems to be going better than the past few.
Nothing specific to report that I can think of in terms of the dark negative feelings I've been having. Yes, they're around today - but they seem to almost be "muffled" by other focuses. Which is GOOD!

I am now attempting to reach out to at least one friend a day just to reconnect while I'm driving from client to client in order to have good things to reminisce about unrelated to WW's cheating.

It could also have to do with the fact that WW went to her first IC session last night.

She has also been checking in with me throughout the day just to see how I'm doing without prior prompting.

Either way, I'm trying to stay positive, focused & functional. It ain't easy but I'm trying...

I'm nervous about tomorrow, as I have a potentially VERY big meeting scheduled - and it's a Friday.
Fridays are the worst for me now and I'm worried that having a big meeting scheduled ON a Friday was perhaps a bad idea on my part...

SorrowfulMoon posted 5/30/2019 18:57 PM

Good man. Stay positive.

Odonna posted 5/30/2019 19:05 PM

Are Fridays bad because the distraction of work on weekdays is coming to an end and you have to face the intense family life of the weekend? Is it exacerbated by the restriction of activities allowed on the Sabbath? Or is there a religious component because of the expectation of intimate relations on Friday nights? Or just the introspective nature of your religion and the tension that poses for you in your personal circumstances?

Just trying to understand.....

Odonna posted 5/30/2019 19:10 PM

PS: I APPLAUD your daily calls to old friends to reconnect. I do suggest you make the focus be your questions about their lives and how they are doing, rather than a data-dump of your current devastation. It will do you good to get out of your life and support them in theirs. And they will be much more engaged with you if they do not feel used after a long silence to be the sounding board for your situation.

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