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Shattered & Heartbroken

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SaddestDad posted 8/10/2019 23:44 PM

Reclaim it once and then be done. Same with checking up on her at all times. It is exhausting and I can imagine it will get old fast for both of you.

That's the plan. I thought we reclaimed one of those dates... in fact, in a way, we had. Until newly discovered TT that reset the clock on that specific date. On the bright side... as long as there's no more TT headed my way, the method we're using for each of the major dates that need to be taken back ARE working. I just wish that piece of info had come out before taking back that day...

Hypothetically, if I was a cheater and my partner was checking up on me all the time, it would've just worn me down and I would have left. Yeah, no way would I be the "ideal" WS so I do have some sympathy for WS who try to stick around and make a half hearted attempt.

Honestly, I'd say she's been making way more of an attempt than half-hearted... but yes, I do agree about the whole checking up thing. I've been doing it less and less, even on horrendously dark days.

And what's with your physical health man? So many issues in your 30s. Need to really work on this. Do you have some chronic issue? That must suck. If you try living a more disciplined life( no alcohol, drugs, sleep schedule, a daily workout plan, clean eating), it will improve. Mental health is a big part of it too. Avoiding excessive ruminations ,breathing techniques, meditation etc. US health system is way too eager to sell drugs for minor inconveniences which perpetuates this cycle of dependence. Living healthy can solve so much more.

You are preaching to the choir, Rusty... IBS is a chronic and progressive disease. I wish it weren't something I live with, and I even (at times) think that her cheating on me was made easier in her mind because of my health not being what she signed up for. Silly & stupid thought, I know... but I do think that every now and then.

SaddestDad posted 8/12/2019 21:16 PM

Soooo TT. The gift that keeps giving, am I right?
DDay #4 on 8-8-19. I've been a total wreck since.
I'm already starting to look for a new job, as I can't fathom that I'll last here much longer, let alone be able to continue spending so much time behind the wheel with (mostly) my thoughts as my companion throughout the day.

I just need fuckin' hugs right now.
Broke down in the shower this evening. Before DDay, I cried less than 10 times in 13 years (my grandfather died 13 years ago, yesterday was the Hebrew anniversary of his passing).
I had taken WW to his grave 5 years ago for the first time... 9 days after her first post-proposal sexual liaison... and 11 days before the next one.

This shit really just hurts.
This 4th DDay hurts as much as DDays 1 & 2 COMBINED.

Saw my IC today. She agrees some desk-jockeying should be in my near future. She's established that I've finally reached the rage stage and that a true breaking point WILL be in my near future, desk-jockeying or not.

She was also contemplating whether she felt it prudent to make a call on my behalf, based on my current state of mind since DDay 4 (this past Thursday. Tbh, I'm not sure if it would've been a good or bad thing for her to do so, but I'm pretty much done with focusing on "what-if's."

IC session was great & WW showed initiative and consideration by reaching out to check in with me before and after (actually was during butbshe thought it was after) the session to make sure I was okay and to tell me she loves me... but then (of course) WW's claws came out once more mere hours later in response to my pain and the anger manifested by it. We ended up having a huge fight that lasted for hours.
I'm currently riding 1.5mg of Xanax, which has been helpful... and even WITH that, I still broke down crying in the shower.
Dear lord, I'm a goddam mess. More explanation about yesterday will be provided later... some responses and encouragement till then would be a godsend.

Cooley2here posted 8/12/2019 21:54 PM

I had IBS. Drs kept doing colonoscopies and endoscopies. Gave me tons of medicine. I stopped using any flour products. Bread, cookies, pasta etc. and in one day my IBS went away. Try it. It can’t hurt and it might help.

pearlamici posted 8/12/2019 22:04 PM

Hugs to you SDad but agree with Cooley2 - I've lost count of family/friends that had IBS that improved over night cutting out all wheat products (pasta bread cookies) as well as potatoes/tomatoes. Don't even bother with the gluten free substitutes - stick to meat, veggies and fruit. You will get through this - I can't tell you when/how just know you will get through this. {{{SaddestDad}}}

nekonamida posted 8/12/2019 22:11 PM

Sorry to hear that, SD. She's really putting you through the wringer.

Scoobydoo posted 8/13/2019 03:42 AM

(((((hugs))))) for you SD,

I have IBS, trust me I feel ur pain,
I don’t take medication for it anymore as I can control it with a ’healthyish’ diet, no carbs & very little red meat, doesn’t work for everyone but it’s worth a go.

🤞 for you

firenze posted 8/13/2019 14:03 PM

Honest questions for you SD. How much more of this are you going to put up with? How many more DDays? How many more instances of your WW going from seeming remorseful to being vicious in the space of hours? How much more evidence do you need before you understand that she's either lying through her teeth all day every day in an effort to get you off her back, or that she's so mentally unstable that she'll never be the safe, stable, sane person she needs to be in order to be worth staying married to?

sisoon posted 8/13/2019 16:01 PM

Just in case you haven't read this before, and even if you have: Note that it often isn't the A itself that ends the M. Rather, it's the WS's behavior after d-day that does it.

So you're not locked in. You still have free choice.


I'm very sorry you have to deal with continued lying. That's soul-destroying.

Some of us laugh at Charley Brown's continued belief that Lucy won't eff up his place-kicking, but I don't think anybody in touch with being human laughs at repeated cycles of 'now I'm finally telling the truth.'


As you may have read, my 5th grader GS is recovering (I hope) from his parents' D. He's in so much pain that I sometimes forget he'd be in worse pain if they were still together. And if they had D'ed earlier, it would have been better for my GS.

I think R may still be a possibility, but I'm an optimist. Things don't always work out the way we want them to - but sometimes they do.

I can recommend only that you feel your pain and let it go and that you figure out what you want, given the new revelations.

HellFire posted 8/13/2019 17:08 PM

What was the TT?

With 4 ddays, you need to really consider if this marriage is worth the pain she continues to cause you.

Huge hugs to you.

SaddestDad posted 8/13/2019 18:31 PM

What was the TT?

The first pregnancy scare she had from him after we got engaged wasn't an unexpected climax.
He told her that he was going to finish. They were in missionary position. It was (as always with them) unprotected. She said, "okay." So he finished inside of her.
Until this past Thursday, she had been adamant that he never told her he was going to finish... he just came.
The fact that she not only fucked him bareback after we were engaged (to remind everyone, due to religious observance, we didn't even have our first kiss until after the wedding ceremony), AND that the first one of the TWO pregnancy scares was a consciously made decision less than 2 months after we were engaged... that hurt. That hurt very badly.
Really really really badly.
The worst part is that it only came out AFTER I felt we took that date back... and now I'm going to need to take that date back once more. Which won't come back around for almost 12 months.

SaddestDad posted 8/13/2019 19:25 PM

@Cooley, @Pearl & @Scooby - not only do I have IBS-D, but it's been a progressive form. I've been spit-roasted by so many gastroenterologists that they've probably planted a permanent camera in there
I was even a case study at one of the best hospitals in NYC for a few years.
Even foods that are allowed on the low-FODMAPS diet cause me to react.

goalong posted 8/13/2019 20:20 PM

if you are drinking cow milk switch to plant based milk like almond

66charger posted 8/13/2019 20:40 PM

IBS put me in the hospital on 2 occasions. The last time I laid on the floor for hours hoping it would pass. Called my girl and she took me in. The medications did almost nothing.

I talked to a old school guy about it and he suggested 2 teaspoons of Epsom salt in warm water. It worked amazingly well. What happens is that your body rejects it almost right away and everything flushes out. It really is not good for you but twice a month is ok. After about 3 months I reverted to normal. It did cost me those great In and Out burgers. I will occasionally drink those kale and spinach smoothies for lunch. yummy. Not.

oh and least I forget. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. You haven't filed yet? BTW the only person who believes they did not have some sort of sex during the 5 TIMES THEY MET UP DURING YOUR MARRIAGE is you. Even your wife is amazed you still believe that.

Carry on SD. Read some bigger. You are going to need it.

SaddestDad posted 8/14/2019 09:07 AM

Honest questions for you SD. How much more of this are you going to put up with? How many more DDays? How many more instances of your WW going from seeming remorseful to being vicious in the space of hours? How much more evidence do you need before you understand that she's either lying through her teeth all day every day in an effort to get you off her back, or that she's so mentally unstable that she'll never be the safe, stable, sane person she needs to be in order to be worth staying married to?

I know that this isn't a rhetorical question (singular, since all of the questions above are essentially one question).
My answer is that I really don't know how much longer I can or will cope with the bouncing around. If I had to put a number on it (and based upon specific sticking points that have been throughout this half-year since DDay 1, I'd probably be able to only handle one more TT-DDay and then my patience will be at the breaking point.

As for her flip-flopping between remorsefulness & viciousness... it's hard for me to explain, but she was vicious toward me for so long prior to DDay 1 that the fact that the viciousness is becoming less often and seems to now come out as defensiveness as opposed to back when it was just to get her way does give me a bit of a boost.
The viciousness is also becoming less frequent on a macro level. On a micro level, it's been frequent because I've been somewhat (rightly) relentless since Thursday. Anyone would lose their shit after so long - even you. Even me.

GreatWideOpen posted 8/14/2019 20:01 PM

I see DD5 in your profile today. Sorry SD. She's either a very mentally ill individual or the cruelest woman ever. If she hasn't been diagnosed with the former then you're looking at the latter.
She just keeps mutilating you. Time to go NC and intensify your IC and self care. Come back from this, start today.

SaddestDad posted 8/14/2019 20:11 PM

I'm numb.

HellFire posted 8/14/2019 21:07 PM

Please don't even consider trying to R with her until she takes,and passes, a polygraph.

We have all known she continued to lie to you. It is just not believable that she forgot a pregnancy scare,and having sex with another man after you married her. This wasn't 20 years ago. It was,what? 4 or 5 years ago.

You have said no to a polygraph, in the past, because you think she is such a good liar that she would pass,even if she was lying. You love her,and you desperately wanted to believe her. But she is not a good liar. Your perception is skewed because of your love for her.

Polygraph questions:

Were you telling the truth when you claim not to remember you had sex with OM during the marriage?

Were you telling the truth about not remembering the pregnancy scare?

Are you purposely withholding information about your affair from your husband?

Please. This is killing you. You deserve the truth. And she needs to stop abusing you. Please.

firenze posted 8/14/2019 21:23 PM

Seriously SD, this is killing you. For the sake of your own sanity, cut her loose, go NC, and refocus your energy on moving on. The longer you stay with her and the more you dig, the more you're going to find and the more pain you're going to go through as you suffer DDay after DDay. You're never going to get the truth from her. Like I said before, either she's an incredibly committed liar or she's completely mentally unstable. There's so much better out there than her, and you deserve the chance to go and find it. But more than that, you deserve to at the very least not to be driven insane on a daily basis trying to sort through a history riddled with lies and deception and betrayal.

[This message edited by firenze at 9:26 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Scoobydoo posted 8/15/2019 04:43 AM

Aww SD,

No-one deserves this continued TT,

Take some time to process before you do anything,

Eat & drink small bits to keep your strength.

We're all here for you in 1 way or another,


Heartbroken for you SD

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 05:54 AM

I've given her an official ultimatum that I will not back down on. I'm done with TT of any kind.
Going forward, any new discoveries that I make regardless of the methods used will be grounds for divorce.

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