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Shattered & Heartbroken

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SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 06:05 AM

You have no idea what it was like to go to POSOM's bank to finally get the answers I needed.
I was a man about it. I was respectful. I was respectable. I did so with honor, and without making a scene.

Had I made a scene, I would never have gotten the information from him.

Had I lost my composure, I would not have been able to analyze what he was saying nor how he was saying it to know where he'd been FOS, which was only a scattered few times (surprisingly).

I let my boss know that I'm dealing with a personal crisis and need 2 days & I'll then be in contact with him.

I'm sitting naked on my bed at home, in the dark, wallowing in my own darkness.

We had the kids sleep at my in-laws.

WW is unable to take off from work today... but tbh, I'm not sure if her being home with me all day would be as beneficial as it was during a prior DDay (how pathetic is it that I can't even remember after which one it was?).

I haven't eaten since 2 nights ago. On the plus side, at least my IBS hasn't kicked in since there's nothing in my stomach to fuck with...
We had the kids sleep

farsidejunky posted 8/15/2019 06:15 AM

This is excruciating, SD.

But what really makes no sense to me is why you actually believe her gaslighting. People have told you for weeks that she is lying, and you have white-knighted her the entire time.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 06:15 AM

PS - I ended the conversation earlier than I intended to since he had to go drive OBS & their kids to the airport, since they're separating & moving away to a different state. I didn't want to mess up OBS' life any further.

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 06:20 AM

But what really makes no sense to me is why you actually believe her gaslighting. People have told you for weeks that she is lying, and you have white-knighted her the entire time.

I've white-knighted her, yes. I have, however, not believed her gaslighting.
It was for months that people were saying it, not weeks. I defended only that I believed that she couldn't remember on her own, but I always knew and believed there was more than she could remember.

If I had believed her gaslighting, I would not have gone and confronted him as I did with the intent & composure I maintained.
I'm not shocked by this DDay... just broken.

nekonamida posted 8/15/2019 06:27 AM

Do you believe her that she can't remember what she did? It's possible but extremely unlikely. Gaps in memory like that can happen due to trauma or severe mental illness. What does her therapist think?

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 06:32 AM

Do you believe her that she can't remember what she did? It's possible but extremely unlikely. Gaps in memory like that can happen due to trauma or severe mental illness. What does her therapist think?

Yes, I do believe her that she can't remember. It seems to take a specific detail that breaks down the wall of a memory that's been blocked, and then she gets physically sick.
Her therapist believes it's trauma related & agrees with me that the physical sickness followed by the flooding of the details of the specific event is a manifestation of her brain giving up the final wall of defense around the specific memory.
In this case, the specific detail was the dress AP told me that she was wearing on that day that did it.

HellFire posted 8/15/2019 07:51 AM

Have you spoken to her therapist?

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 07:57 AM

Have you spoken to her therapist?

Yes, for about an hour yesterday evening.

Butforthegrace posted 8/15/2019 08:13 AM

This is the oddest thread I think I have followed. I've not posted much because I can't think of anything to suggest. The elements are so odd:

She has apparent total amnesia about the events, but memory can be restore in segments if she is reminded of specific details.

The degree of her infidelity was pretty remarkable. More than one AP. Unprotected PIV sex, with pregnancy scares. All occurring during the engagement and shortly after the marriage, when the two of you are theoretically deepest in numinent love for one another.

The religious overlay, where she expect you to follow strict adherence to a high level of religious standards, which she herself was shattering with multiple men.

HellFire posted 8/15/2019 08:16 AM

Are you still saying no to a polygraph?

If her brain causes her to forget extremely important events in her life, and causes her to forget an entire person, from 5 years ago, then how can you trust that she won't forget your kids somewhere? How can you trust that she won't leave them in a car all day? How can you trust she wont forget to get them out of the tub?

It sounds silly, but not really. If her brain causes her to forget another AP, and sex with other men during the marriage, then how can you trust her with your kids? Unless, her forgetfulness is specific to infidelity?

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 08:26 AM

This is the oddest thread I think I have followed. I've not posted much because I can't think of anything to suggest. The elements are so odd:

She has apparent total amnesia about the events, but memory can be restore in segments if she is reminded of specific details.

The degree of her infidelity was pretty remarkable. More than one AP. Unprotected PIV sex, with pregnancy scares. All occurring during the engagement and shortly after the marriage, when the two of you are theoretically deepest in numinent love for one another.

The religious overlay, where she expect you to follow strict adherence to a high level of religious standards, which she herself was shattering with multiple men.


Tell me 'bout it....

Are you still saying no to a polygraph?

Actually, she told me this morning that she's going to schedule one. I said okay.

If her brain causes her to forget extremely important events in her life, and causes her to forget an entire person, from 5 years ago, then how can you trust that she won't forget your kids somewhere? How can you trust that she won't leave them in a car all day? How can you trust she wont forget to get them out of the tub?

It sounds silly, but not really. If her brain causes her to forget another AP, and sex with other men during the marriage, then how can you trust her with your kids? Unless, her forgetfulness is specific to infidelity?


It definitely doesn't sound silly. It's a very valid point and question.

I honestly do think the forgetfulness is specific to sexuality and intimacy as a whole, not necessarily infidelity itself.

nekonamida posted 8/15/2019 09:02 AM

Well then, I hope that her therapist has a good plan on how to get to the bottom of this and ensure that it never happens again.

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 09:09 AM

Well then, I hope that her therapist has a good plan on how to get to the bottom of this and ensure that it never happens again.

🤷‍♂️ only time will tell.

I can say without a doubt that if it does ever happen again, she will never need to worry about celebrating our anniversary after.

HellFire posted 8/15/2019 09:49 AM

I really wish you would do the polygraph. I think you are setting yourself up for another dday. And, honestly, I dont think you can handle one more.


Does she forget about sex with you? Or just other men? I'm truly trying to understand.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:02 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

Booyah posted 8/15/2019 10:03 AM

So she's now on "Double secret probation"?

beenthereinco posted 8/15/2019 10:25 AM

How many APs are you up to now? I've lost count of the stories. I'm asking not for the shock value but to just try to understand what was going on and what has changed. I go through my life I think pretty much like everyone else. I talk to people pretty normally. I work with women and I think I'm generally friendly. During the course of my days, occasionally I get a feeling that someone has a bit more interest in me than normal friendliness but really nothing overt. It seems to me that it would take a lot of effort and trial for me to get anywhere near a line to cross that my wife would be angry about much less get to a full blown affair.

What I'm getting at is that for your WW to get into these situations so often seems to me like she was really advertising herself. She was really in tune with her surroundings, looking for these opportunities and making herself available for them. Otherwise I don't see how these things could just "happen" unless there is this whole strange world of hookups that come about in people's every day interactions that I am not aware of. (Could be, I'm old)

And if given all of that is true and she was more or less on the lookout for these chances to meet someone and do these things I have to ask what changed? What caused her to stop this behavior? It had to really be a part of her personality. How did it stop being that? Has she addressed that at all? How do you know it is still not going on? I think there should be some dividing line, some event she can point to that says "This changed me. I am not the same person I was then because of it." Any ideas what that was?

I'm not even getting into the memory issues that she claims but again what happened there? Was there some event? Did she forget sex with the OM immediately afterwards? A day after? A week? When did she forget this?

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 10:38 AM

I really wish you would do the polygraph. I think you are setting yourself up for another dday. And, honestly, I dont think you can handle one more.

She scheduled polygraph for Sunday. Honestly, I KNOW I won't be able to handle one more DDay.

Does she forget about sex with you? Or just other men? I'm truly trying to understand.

She doesn't forget about sex with me. "Just" other men...
Booyah
So she's now on "Double secret probation"?

I guess we just gotta go for the toga party.

How many APs are you up to now?

4 AP's. 2 of them were PA's. 2 of them were EA's. All 4 of them were prior partners from her "secret" life that was concurrent to the publicly religious outward life.
As for how and why... that's for her therapist to figure out. Not for me to try to presume anymore.

HellFire posted 8/15/2019 10:46 AM

What questions will she be asked?

One needs to be if she truly had no memory of these other men,until you found evidence that they existed.

What are you going to do it she fails?

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 10:53 AM

What are you going to do it she fails?

I really don't fucking know. Too raw right now to make a proclamation.

Butforthegrace posted 8/15/2019 10:55 AM

Assuming she actually has some form of amnesia, how could she fail a polygraph.

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