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Shattered & Heartbroken

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SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 11:00 AM

Assuming she actually has some form of amnesia, how could she fail a polygraph.

If a question would be, "did you have any memory at all of postmarital sex when you called him to warn him the day after DDay 1?"
IF that would be a fail, that would mean that the memories started coming back well before she has stated.
If that were to pass though, I'm going to request that every single person that bashed her memory publicly also apologize publicly to her for said public bashings.

HellFire posted 8/15/2019 11:00 AM

If she truly has this selective amnesia, then she will pass. If she has been lying, she will fail.

I think it's important for SD to know if she's being honest about the memory loss.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:00 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

HellFire posted 8/15/2019 11:05 AM

Really SD? You want those of us who are skeptical to apologize for being skeptical?

We are trying to look out for you. If she truly has this mental illness, I will apologize that I didn't believe her. But I won't apologize for being skeptical.

If you were reading this on another thread, and you had only dealt with the typical lying cheater, would you be skeptical of a woman who claims to remember everything else, except the extramarital sex, and other men from a few years ago?

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 11:13 AM

Really SD? You want those of us who are skeptical to apologize for being skeptical?

Not for being skeptical. For being as harsh, bashing and incredulously disbelieving. Again, only if it's a Pass result. If it's a fail, obviously it'll be the total reverse that happens.

GoldenR posted 8/15/2019 11:31 AM

If she believed that you would actually leave if she didn't come clean about everything, her memory would be miraculously restored.

But she knows you won't leave her, so she continues to protect herself and not "remember" everything despite seeing how it destroys you.

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 11:48 AM

But she knows you won't leave her, so she continues to protect herself and not "remember" everything despite seeing how it destroys you.

Case in point to my statement above.

So to summarize, you're saying I'm a pushover with balls the size of marbles?

GoldenR posted 8/15/2019 11:58 AM

I'm saying you love her and want to stay married.

Scoobydoo posted 8/15/2019 12:00 PM

Sd,

First,
you didnít mess up there marriage, you canít take responsibility for that, thatís all on your wife & POS ap!!

Second,
Please please donít wallow in darkness alone, call a friend/go for a walk, do something just for you for just a little while.

Third,
I canít even imagine what it took for you to pay the POS a visit & for you to keep your anger & emotions under control, that says a lot about you, good for you SD.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other atm,

Try to stay strong for you & your kids

Take what you need & leave the rest behind

Thinking of you SD

[This message edited by Scoobydoo at 12:02 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

HellFire posted 8/15/2019 12:12 PM

I think you are a good man. A man who has been deeply traumatized and abused by your wife. A man who loves the woman he thought his wife was, and you are desperately trying to find some solid ground. I think you love her so much,that your perception is colored by that love.

She is a serial cheater. And you want the betrayed spouses of this site to apologize to a woman who has lied to you, and us, repeatedly. Even if she really forgot ALL of this, it doesnt change the fact that she did it. She was clearly lying her ass off to you during the time she was cheating. She has been less than remorseful since the first dday.


We would not be helping you, if we didnt point out what we saw as lies.

I sincerely hope she has been telling you the truth. And if she hasn't, no one here will say we told you so. We will be here for you.

Rustylife posted 8/15/2019 12:14 PM

A polygraph is expensive. It proves nothing. Whether it disproves stuff or not, that is completely subjective. I don't see the point. Bringing your wife on this forum was a disaster.

Her therapist is getting paid to deal with her issues. The fate of the marriage is something she's not invested in. This was the same person who was calling you controlling and immature. So don't expect her to bat for you. What she knows about you is through your wife.

Coming to your wife, she really outdid herself this time. Even I was thinking that you can get too obsessive and need to go easy on her. That whole thing about the pregnancy scare, I thought it was needlessly pedantic from you. They had sex, unless you were in the moment you can't really know everything. But, she truly is one of a kind. This makes it 4 APs. I'll be completely honest, I don't buy her story one bit. So difference of opinion here. Maybe she was banking on you backing out at the last moment or the AP not being cooperative, who really knows.

Do you think there are more sexual encounters? And more APs?

I do feel bad because of the young kids and weird giving you advice to cut bait, but really, what are we even trying to save here? It was a shit marriage with her constantly lashing out(in your own words) and there was no genuine love for you. Even now it is only a moderately tolerabe partnership. Her whole spiel about her connecting with you after she cut physical contact, that has turned out to be a lie. You should honestly assess the kind of marriage this has been, and the kind of behavior you have tolerated in the name of marriage.

If nothing else, you need to stop reading her thread. It is just filled with lies that enrage me. A performance for one.

There's so much better out there mate. It doesn't have to be like this.

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 12:27 PM

Her therapist is getting paid to deal with her issues. The fate of the marriage is something she's not invested in. This was the same person who was calling you controlling and immature. So don't expect her to bat for you. What she knows about you is through your wife.

Actually, she fired that botoxed (and probably wayward) therapist. The therapist at this time is a new one. I have dealt with social workers in many healthcare sectors for the past few years daily - and I was actually impressed by this new one.

Her whole spiel about her connecting with you after she cut physical contact, that has turned out to be a lie.

Actually, it now makes way more sense than it did before.

Do you think there are more sexual encounters? And more APs?

I believe there to be one more potential, with someone that I suspected early on in my marriage.

Even if she really forgot ALL of this, it doesnt change the fact that she did it. She was clearly lying her ass off to you during the time she was cheating.

Sigh. I hear that.

I'm saying you love her and want to stay married

Gotcha. My apologies for twisting your words in a totally different direction.

Scooby,
I appreciate everything you wrote there. Literally brought tears out of my eyes. Thank you.

Western posted 8/15/2019 12:32 PM

dude, come off of it. What is your gameplan from here on out ? You have to have something in mind

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 12:39 PM

What is your gameplan from here on out ? You have to have something in mind

My gameplan is as follows:
Whatever new information comes to light from therapy or directly from her without me having to coax/pull out of her will be accepted as part of the past, in the past, and will continue to try to move forward and R if we can.

If, however, I find out ANYTHING via any other means or have to pry information out of her, I will file.

There've been enough balls on this court. Mine is and will be the only one in play from this moment forward unless we D.

Rustylife posted 8/15/2019 12:52 PM

Whatever new information comes to light from therapy or directly from her without me having to coax/pull out of her will be accepted as part of the past, in the past, and will continue to try to move forward and R if we can.

Come on man, nothing new has come from her side without you painstakingly pulling it out after looking into years old record like a lunatic. At which point, it all comes magically comes back rushing to her. Does any part of this seem plausible? I'm thinking about those action movies where the hero has amnesia and then all of a sudden the visions of his past come pouring into his mind. Like Memento. Or the Bourne Identity.

One thing I would commend you on, is confronting the AP. Handled it well and magically, that guy didn't have this selective amnesia even though he had numerous other women he was sleeping with. Even pointed you towards another AP. Didn't your wife had a toxic friend group that was a big part of her life? Maybe talk to them as well. In person. They may tell you about more affairs.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 12:53 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

KingRat posted 8/15/2019 13:08 PM

My gameplan is as follows:
Whatever new information comes to light from therapy or directly from her without me having to coax/pull out of her will be accepted as part of the past, in the past, and will continue to try to move forward and R if we can.
If, however, I find out ANYTHING via any other means or have to pry information out of her, I will file.

There've been enough balls on this court. Mine is and will be the only one in play from this moment forward unless we D.

If your entire decision to R or D rests on the above, itís a plan destined for failure. With her memory issues, how can you ever get information without coaxing or pulling? If she canít remember unless sheís confronted with hard evidence, youíll only get information that way.

This plan is like heads she wins, tails you lose.

Itís more likely than not that there are more bodies back there. Instead of digging through metaphorical cornfields, work on acceptance that you can never fully get the entire picture. You have a mountain of evidence and information already. Can you work with that? Donít waste precious resources combing the past.

At some point we must ask ourselves: Do we really need more details, and if those details really would matter in our decision? Or is the investigation a welcomed distraction from having to make the tough decisions? IMO, I feel these are appropriate questions to ask.

Iím sorry, brother; my heart breaks for you. This your worst nightmare. Freddy seems like a more pleasant adversary at this point. But just know that if you can survive this, nothing else can really hurt you as bad.

SaddestDad posted 8/15/2019 13:23 PM

If your entire decision to R or D rests on the above, itís a plan destined for failure.

It's not the only factor. Just a factor that's an immediate game-changer.
To be frank, I'm done looking through the past. I've seen and learned more than anyone ever should.

She's gonna need to prove in every possible way that she's fully committed to me and only me. I don't want to learn more, but if she discovers more on her end with therapy & brings the discoveries to me voluntarily, it will help show me that she truly is remorseful.

Freddy seems like a more pleasant adversary at this point.

If you're talking about remake-Freddy, you're right. He's pretty wimpy. If you're talking about Englund-Freddy though... I'll take the compliment

Jameson1977 posted 8/15/2019 13:31 PM

SaddestDad, my WW TT'd me for 3 years. This was after her seeing me at my most broken and vulnerable. I asked her recently, if I dropped diverse papers on her and demanded a poly, would she have been totally truthful? Her reply was "probably not".

Your WW may have mental health issues and selective amnesia, but given the posts from both of you, and my own experiences with my WW, I have serious doubts. I wouldn't apologize for being doubtful. It's very convenient that the details you really want are the things she cant remember.

teisen posted 8/15/2019 14:19 PM

SD -

I'm sad and sorry to hear all that you have and continue to go through. I know the feelings of pain and loss and heartbreak like so many others on here.

My WW TTd me for about a month - and continued the EA/PA during that time even as I showed her grace and forgiveness. We continue to work through it.

If you want to stay married and work toward R, that's OK. It's a really hard path and it seems very irrational to some (maybe even yourself at times) and will probably lead to more pain. It definitely has for me. I'm still working toward R though and I've been more forgiving and committed than my WW had any right to expect - so knows and acknowledges that and is very grateful for it.

It's also OK for you to give up. Don't push yourself to do something you simply cannot do.

Hang in there brother.

sisoon posted 8/15/2019 15:16 PM

Wanting to clear some things up....

'Selective amnesia'? Maybe, but it could also be dissociation due to trauma. Maybe Mrs. SD is cruel, but maybe she's really another victim. (That doesn't mean SD has to stay.)

Can't survive another d-day? Oh, man, SD. I hope you've got all of the info, but if more comes out, look inside, and you'll find some joy there ... look at your kids, and you'll find some joy there. You're much more than an H. You're much more than a father. You're much more than an employee. The pain of being betrayed, compounded by the pain of TT, is almost unbearable. Almost - but it remains bearable. Resolve to survive and thrive.

I, too, see no point in a poly. If your W hides stuff from herself, no poly will be worth the time, much less the money.

FWIW, I still read you as ... mindful, I guess. I read you as making conscious decisions. I read you to be in touch with your feelings. I read some detachment in your posts. That all bodes well for your recovery, IMO, whatever happens with R.

beenthereinco posted 8/15/2019 15:37 PM

Maybe, but it could also be dissociation due to trauma

Has there been any indication of a trauma that severe as to cause this. Not in anything SD has said. That was what I was asking. Can he point to an event that would bring this dissociation on? Minus that the amnesia seems very selective indeed. I would also add other adjectives like convenient, self-serving and unbelievable.

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