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Shattered & Heartbroken

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TimSC posted 8/16/2019 11:44 AM

The viciousness I spoke of prior to DDay was not the same as how she was during the A. During the A, she was nasty without provoking her. She put her friends' needs over mine. She put her own desires over mine. We got married Oct 2014. She ended the PA in Oct 2015, but there was still some EA/pining in 2016, whether she'd like to admit it or not. Perhaps not much, but enough to still keep her closed off to me. When we got pregnant with our daughter, that's when she started loving me. Daughter was born in Oct 2016.

Wait. What did I miss? I thought she never had sex with AP after you were married.

HellFire posted 8/16/2019 11:46 AM

Om told him the truth a few days ago.

His wife forgot. Until confronted with the truth.

Rustylife posted 8/16/2019 12:13 PM

Can't survive another d-day? Oh, man, SD. I hope you've got all of the info, but if more comes out, look inside, and you'll find some joy there ... look at your kids, and you'll find some joy there. You're much more than an H. You're much more than a father. You're much more than an employee. The pain of being betrayed, compounded by the pain of TT, is almost unbearable. Almost - but it remains bearable. Resolve to survive and thrive.

Succinctly put. SD, you should never forget this.

I hope you've thought about my suggestion of contacting her friend group. Your instincts have been right. As you buy her story of memory loss, Is your wife trying to look into records of old stuff to refresh her memory? Much better than a polygraph which is just useless in my opinion. You don't need to be the one doing all this.

reallyscrewedup7 posted 8/16/2019 12:49 PM

SD,

I am truly sorry for all the pain. I wish you peace and strength. I am afraid you will get little of either. Despite your Herculean will and resolve, this situation is killing you. I don't say that lightly as a doctor and I don't practice medicine over the internet, but I can say with certainty that this situation and your wife's behavior is killing you. IBS, insomnia, and stress are not a positive combination

Brother, you have got to do something different. Please. I believe my worries are echoed in a hundred different posts - you need to find more value in you than in your marriage. I know you think you can survive more broadsides from your wife to your psyche. But I honestly do not think that is a good bet. Those broadsides are very likely coming - she is still lying - and it could be even worse than all the other lies she has (up to now) covered up. If she was still have sex with other men well into 2015 and she conceived in early 2016... I am not saying that is the case, but what if? If that fear comes to fruition in your current state, it will not be good.

She is unsafe. By any definition or perspective - she is an unsafe marriage partner. Clinging to the notion that you were visionary or you know she "will" be safe one day is killing you. She is unsafe and her neural pathways are wired for having sex with other men. She is doing nothing to fix that - lying at every turn, blaming whatever she can - all the while watching you die in front of her eyes. The odds are extremely high that even if you weather this (and the likely future) storm(s), she will revert to her old patterns because she does not seem willing to face her demons.

Please start focusing on you and taking care of you. It's not a matter of deciding to R or D. It is about saving you. And brother - YOU MATTER. Please consider that carefully.

GoldenR posted 8/16/2019 16:03 PM

SD -

Let's say that she really doesn't remember. My question is, WHEN did the memory go away? It's not like she was in a fugue state when she cheated, so when did the memory disappear?

- On the drive home?

- A week after each act? Did she think each act was the first bc memories had purged?

- A year after the last act?

Why does she remember him and not the acts?

There are really no answers, but it must be mind boggling for you.

I feel for you, brother. I really do.

Alonelyagain posted 8/17/2019 06:07 AM

SD

My XWW’s rewriting of the marital history was mind boggling enough for me, but the memory loss thing takes it to an even higher level. I really don’t buy memory loss claims in general, but some posters on various Wayward forum threads seem to. Being a logical person, I have given some thought to how I would have gone about disproving a memory loss claim if my then WW had made that claim. I think that GoldenR’s questions are very probative, and I think that you should actually ask your WW all of them. I also think that you won’t get a straight answer from your WW but it would be informative to you to see how she formulates her responses. Is she flummoxed or does she have a ready response, or is she angered and refuses to answer, etc.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 10:01 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

TimSC posted 8/17/2019 13:31 PM

How can a woman forget about sex with a long term affair partner 3 days after her first wedding anniversary?

I don't buy it.

Can SD even be sure the kids are his?

66charger posted 8/17/2019 17:02 PM

She can "forget" if there were more than 1 APs in her life at that time. She may not have been sure who she had sex with therefore technically she is telling the truth. When I was running wild, having sex with multiple women, I had to be careful in what I said. It did get confusing.

Sadly, your poly may produce more APs during your marriage.
Hopefully, all of this is incorrect and you get what you need to proceed in life.

Best to you SD. Prayers for your family.

TimSC posted 8/17/2019 17:49 PM

I have to say that you should prepare for many more D-Days if you decide to stay married.

How does a woman suddenly decide to have unprotected sex three days after her first wedding anniversary and not remember it?????

I think she was having sex with him before marriage and during that first year. Maybe the time the AP told you about was simply the last time instead of the only time after marriage.

Are you sure the child is yours?

HellFire posted 8/17/2019 18:04 PM

Praying she passes the polygraph tomorrow, SD.

sisoon posted 8/17/2019 18:22 PM

Has there been any indication of a trauma that severe as to cause this. Not in anything SD has said. That was what I was asking.
Victims of abuse can suppress memories. It's common for victims (real victims, not people playing a role in a Drama Triangle) to start remembering the abuse in their 40s, and age not yet reached by SD's W..

Also, something that is bearable to one person may cause another to dissociate.

(((SD)))

I hope you had a good Shabbat.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:22 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

SorrowfulMoon posted 8/17/2019 20:41 PM

Thanks for your comprehensive answers to my questions SD. Much appreciated. You must be going through a very difficult time.

Can you bear with me if I just ask for further elaboration on one matter.

The viciousness I spoke of prior to DDay was not the same as how she was during the A.

But it was still viciousness with no apparent cause. You say she loved you by then and you seem to be a genuine, loving, honest and hard working husband. So why was she vicious toward you at all? This was before DDay. I could understand it as being part of her defences after DDay but to be happening before leads me down another road.

I have found on other threads and other sites that if a wayward is still not affectionate with their BS, then it is likely that they are still in the affair. This happens even if it is just emotional. Women particularly find it hard to commit to their SO when still emotionally attached to another. This would account for the viciousness. A combination of loyalty to the AP, a form of defense and guilt.

I hear all the questions of her memory and TT and further cheating revealed but to me your relationship stands zero chance in any event if she is still emotionally attached to the AP. All the discovery and judgments are irrelevant if your wife's heart is with another. There is nothing worth fighting for.

I will refrain from commenting on your wife as many seem only too willing to denigrate her to you but would say that I find her whole attitude in this to be incredibly hard to understand.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 8:42 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

TimSC posted 8/18/2019 14:22 PM

She also "forgot" she had a motel date with yet another AP set the day SD and her went to pick out her engagement ring. She just did not have time to get there. But I am betting that she made many more dates with multiple partners that she did make it to.

Too much BS. Way too much.

HellFire posted 8/19/2019 06:40 AM

How are you today, SD?

SaddestDad posted 8/19/2019 15:43 PM

How are you today, SD?

Not great, thank you for asking, Hellfire.

GoldenR,

There are really no answers, but it must be mind boggling for you.

Oh, there are answers... but I'm not her therapist. It's going to be up to her and her IC to uncover those answers. And who knows, perhaps they'll never be answered fully... but I can't waste any more energy on obtaining them from my side.

Praying she passes the polygraph tomorrow, SD.

Prayers were answered. She passed. Every single question had no untruth (that's the way that the polygrapher verbalized it), no omission nor false answers.
Which means that now she can get down to business and work with her IC to figure out what happened in her life to create such a horribly effective memory lock-up.
Her IC & my IC both believe that there was definitely CSA at some point and hypno may help.

your relationship stands zero chance in any event if she is still emotionally attached to the AP.

She isn't attached to him (or ANY of her AP's, for that matter) in any way, shape or form.

The discovery of post-marital sex (and when the final sexual act occurred) finally makes sense of why she did not start loving me and showing me any intimacy until 2016.

But it was still viciousness with no apparent cause. You say she loved you by then and you seem to be a genuine, loving, honest and hard working husband. So why was she vicious toward you at all? This was before DDay. I could understand it as being part of her defences after DDay but to be happening before leads me down another road.
I believe that this will end up being answered once (but only IF) the answers to GoldenR's questions ever come out.

I hope you've thought about my suggestion of contacting her friend group. Your instincts have been right. As you buy her story of memory loss, Is your wife trying to look into records of old stuff to refresh her memory?

Yes, in fact - did one even better. I reached out to someone she had been sexually active with before my time (and I'd questioned about regarding potential EA after DDay 1) from her phone asking when the last time was... he didn't answer until I had her send an audio of her saying it's her doing the asking.
Regardless, he confirmed that nothing hinky ever happened with him once I was in the picture - as for POSOM - you really need to understand JUST how much of a secret double life he was... other than the asshole ex-friend who discovered the texts with him at her bachelorette party, not a single other soul ever knew anything.
She also reached out to someone who was her closest friend at the time... they even went to a concert together the day after one of the sexcapades. She confessed to her and even this friend had no clue of any of this - and she WORKED DIRECTLY with the scumbag!

SaddestDad posted 8/19/2019 15:44 PM

All that said - we're both now committed to R. If R fails or if she lacks in provable effort, D will occur.

SaddestDad posted 8/19/2019 15:46 PM

I told my boss today... I asked for a week or two off so that I can focus on self-care.
Request was granted, so I've got a long week ahead of me to get my ass back into working gear, otherwise I'll get my nonworking ass back on the bread-lines.

No matter what happens, I need to heal myself.
Time for me to go Lazarus on ME.

HellFire posted 8/19/2019 15:50 PM

She passed?

Well. Holy crap.

I'm relieved for you.

The memory loss was real?

Now you can start focusing on what she did, not whether she was still lying. Or rather, we can focus on that. And on what she is going to do going forward.

What were the questions?

sisoon posted 8/20/2019 18:03 PM


Well, since I advocated against the poly, it's illogical to be all that happy she passed. (I hope you see some humor in that, SD.)

How do you feel about it? Does it give you a sense of peace, of optimism? If so, great.

I think it's positive for recovery to keep optimistic about recovering. Everything that helps with that optimism is welcome.

Let go the outcome for your M, but the outcome for you as an individual is crucial.

Booyah posted 8/20/2019 18:50 PM

To echo what HellFire asked, "what were the questions"?

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