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Shattered & Heartbroken

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beenthereinco posted 8/21/2019 08:58 AM

If she passed then it would seem there has to be some trauma somewhere in her past. I am sorry for that, truly. I hope that the two of you can find peace and happiness whether that is together or apart.

DoinBettr posted 8/21/2019 09:44 AM

I am glad you are committed to reconciling. You should start posting in there.
Lots of different wisdom in there.
Maybe come back to this page to help some others in a couple of months.

Start working out more and watch her for queues to fix this situation. I am going to say you should make it far easier for you to look in on where she is.
It will give you peace of mind.
Glad she isn't as much of a monster as we thought. Still, something is wrong with her. She needs to work on that.
How can someone lie so effectively to themselves that they forget entirely?
Lastly, she owes you the first couple of years of marriage times 100. Make sure she doesn't try to rug sweep this.
Maybe say she needs a first time she realized she loved you anniversary? She celebrates you 1 extra day every year. Mark it on a calendar and come back to it every year. Maybe make a tradition for it. Building new memories and events like this after the damage is what everyone talks about as the biggest part of reconciling.

66charger posted 8/21/2019 09:52 AM

SD I think you need to focus on yourself for a little while. Get that work situation under control. Look outside the marriage and become a better version of yourself.

Strength and Honor brother. You have both.

[This message edited by 66charger at 9:53 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Scoobydoo posted 8/22/2019 05:19 AM

Hey SD,
Im glad you found some of the answers you so desperately needed.
Iím hopeful for you in this very shitty situation,

Stay strong & true to your self

Good luck SD

SaddestDad posted 8/22/2019 09:03 AM

Thank you all for your support throughout.
I'm going to keep posting the journey's updates here in this thread, while specific anecdotes or epiphanies will be in the Reconciliation and/or General forums.

SorrowfulMoon posted 8/22/2019 20:09 PM

Greatest good luck for the future SD; you deserve it in buckets.

Updates would be much appreciated by everyone I'm sure, so thanks for that.

SaddestDad posted 8/26/2019 09:02 AM

This past week wasn't too bad, all things considered (so soon past Final DDay).

I spent almost 3 hours kayaking on my own. That was truly peaceful and breathtaking.
Would've been a solid day, had it not darkened me once I realized where it was located and what it could have meant... doesn't matter. Water under the bridge (actually boated under the bridge too, so pun intended).

Went to the gym.

Meditated a lot.

Woke up every morning to spend time with the kids. I'd buckle them into their carseats after making breakfast for us all. She'd drive them to camp with me following in my car. We'd then stop off for coffee, chat & sip a bit.
Evenings were each spent as date nights.

There were only one or two A-related arguments throughout.

Went to MC on Friday.

WW invited me to go with her to DMV to finally change her last name (she got her new SS card in mail last week). That was quite cathartic.

I still have this week off. WW just suggested to me that I make it totally about me - forget about her and the kids and just do everything in my power to make the most/best of the week since my boss told me I need to be back at work next week.

So I'm putting together a bucket list for this week. Let's see how it goes!

NotSureAboutIt posted 8/26/2019 11:44 AM

SD - Hang in there. Just curious - she changed her name back to her maiden name, or finally changed it to your last name?

SaddestDad posted 8/26/2019 12:48 PM

she changed her name back to her maiden name, or finally changed it to your last name?

Finally changed to my last name.

SaddestDad posted 1/8/2020 16:38 PM

It's coming up to a year since DDay #1, my head has been going to dark places once again. I got into detective mode again (I just needed to figure out what was gnawing at my brain). Although I couldn't put my finger on it, something was off. Has always been off, even after I had decided that the blanks and I will just need to learn to coexist...

Because of how well things have been seemingly going between the two of us, WW has become noncommittal/lackadaisical in terms of doing the work. She was happy to see life continue to play out, and was happy knowing I wasn't bombarding her for more information & for her to get down to the crux of filling in the blanks so that I wouldn't have to let my logic/imagination do so.

Long story short, although I'm not considering this to be a DDay because the information she provided was provided voluntarily (ie she COULD have pretended no memory surfaced, wouldn't have been the first time) it's been rough for me.

Remember the POS that she had a ONS with on the day we were looking at engagement rings? Yeah... apparently, it wasn't a ONS. Nor was it limited to when we were dating. One time was IN THE FUCKING ELEVATOR AT WORK!!
Well, back to the drawing board... I can't live like this. The constant pain & rollercoaster is killing me. I haven't eaten in almost 3 days because I just can't.
Although this may not be DDay #6... it sure as shit feels like it is.

Do I give her credit for growing a pair and telling me the truth when she didn't have to? Yeah, I do.

Do I hate the fact that it means that she had 2 full-fledged PA's simultaneously during such a stage in our life together? I'd be a fucking tool not to.

I hate more, however, how broken I feel on a bad day... and how much I wish I could be the ignorant and innocent dipshit that was unknowingly bamboozled to begin with.

ShatteredSakura posted 1/8/2020 16:47 PM

(((SaddestDad)))

2 full PAs while shopping for engagement rings? Oh god

SaddestDad posted 1/8/2020 16:53 PM

ShatteredSakura, yeah. Feel free to read the summarized story on my profile so you don't have ro destroy your eyes for the night.

Sanibelredfish posted 1/8/2020 17:03 PM


Finally changed to my last name.

Lucky you, SD. Lucky you...

I think youíre a good person. Youíre not perfect, but no one is. That said, you deserve so much better than you get from your W. I wish you believed that too.

Also, when your W ďremembersĒ things they tend to be pretty big. A cynic might say her episodic memory is a convenient tool to control the outcome of her infidelities and perhaps get you to stop asking questions (i.e., if he burns himself on the stove maybe heíll stop touching it). Just my two cents.

SaddestDad posted 1/8/2020 17:11 PM

Also, when your W ďremembersĒ things they tend to be pretty big.

Agreed, Sanibel. The biggest mindfuck is the fact that if it weren't something big, her mind wouldn't have blocked it out to begin with, so when it's something she has to push and shove to finally squeeze out, it ain't the size of a jellybean.

That said, you deserve so much better than you get from your W. I wish you believed that too.

I do believe it... but I do also see how much better she has been toward me ever since she actually started focusing on being a totally different person.
I know I'm not perfect, and I know she's far from perfect... but other than this most recent debacle, things really have been going phenomenally on all fronts other than me being stuck in a shitty and miserable job.

Irony.

Rustylife posted 1/8/2020 17:16 PM

You guys had a really short courtship before marriage. Pretty insane how much cheating she was able to squeeze in during this time period.

I hope your job and health situation is well bro. Haven't seen you around for 6 months or so.

SaddestDad posted 1/8/2020 17:22 PM

Hey Rusty, great to see you.

Health has been good. Job has been shitty, but I'm riding it out while I figure out a better opportunity or two.

Yeah... she's always been very good at coordinating schedules

In secular terms, it was a short courtship, bit in our culture... it was standard MO/borderline-long.

ShatteredSakura posted 1/8/2020 21:54 PM

Oh yeah, I read the summary and probably parts of this thread a while back. Still is shocking.

it was standard MO/borderline-long.

Guess she couldn't wait

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:55 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

ohsospecial posted 1/8/2020 22:57 PM

I donít think it matters if the information was voluntarily supplied or not. DDay means Discovery, right? It was indeed DD #6. Iím sorry she has not been forthcoming. And I think you know that this relationship is not healthy for you. i hope you donít waste another year or two or ten on trying to make it work.

BigBlueEyes posted 1/9/2020 04:32 AM

Iím in agreement DD is a new Discovery Day,

Damn, SD Iím so sorry for you,

You know the drill, try & eat little bits even though you donít feel like it, get out & walk a little, get some fresh air & space, please take care of yourself,

Remember take what you need & leave the rest behind.

Thinking of you (((((hugs))))))
^^^^(half assed 1 armed bro hug)

jb3199 posted 1/9/2020 04:55 AM

Because of how well things have been seemingly going between the two of us, WW has become noncommittal/lackadaisical in terms of doing the work. She was happy to see life continue to play out, and was happy knowing I wasn't bombarding her for more information & for her to get down to the crux of filling in the blanks so that I wouldn't have to let my logic/imagination do so.

In your update, this is what worries me most. She still has so much unpacking to do......TONS OF IT......and her ease of ignoring this will keep her as unsafe as she was when she was hitting you with admission after to admission. Things may be going great for her right now, but unless she gets her ass in gear, both of your situations may wind up cataclysmic in the future.

I had a D-day THREE YEARS after my prior D-day. Things were going well for us too during that time, but my WW wasn't putting in the hard work.

At least I thought things were going well during that time.....

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