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Shattered & Heartbroken

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Butforthegrace posted 1/9/2020 05:13 AM

I still have this week off. WW just suggested to me that I make it totally about me - forget about her and the kids and just do everything in my power to make the most/best of the week

Translation: "Get out of my hair and leave me alone and we can coexist as roommates, without me facing any consequences or trying to fix myself and make myself a safe spouse.

C'mon, man. You can't possibly believe that things are getting better for you. She is doing less than zero to heal your marriage. I say "less than zero" because in fact she is manipulating you, via a good cop/bad cop routine, into backing away and giving her space to continue to be Wayward. She is manipulating you because as a wage earner and child care provider you are convenient.

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/9/2020 06:01 AM

Why are you doing this to yourself?

What will it take for you to finally say that this is enough?

I feel horrible for you, I really do. But is it to the point that itís self-inflicted wounds

Buffer posted 1/9/2020 06:04 AM

If she keeps this up you may get to the truth.
Time to D, she has had so many chances to give you the truth.


SaddestDad posted 1/9/2020 13:22 PM

Translation: "Get out of my hair and leave me alone and we can coexist as roommates, without me facing any consequences or trying to fix myself and make myself a safe spouse.

Actually, it was back in August after the DDay #5, and what she was pushing for was to have me actually focus on self care & not have to worry about anything related to her and the kids while doing so.
Also, thanks to my own life choices, she makes more money than I do at this time.

Butforthegrace posted 1/9/2020 13:37 PM

Also, thanks to my own life choices, she makes more money than I do at this time.

Sweet. So if you D, she would likely have to pay spousal support to you.

SaddestDad posted 1/9/2020 17:00 PM

Sweet. So if you D, she would likely have to pay spousal support to you.

Always a bright side, right? 🙄

BFTG, I respect your wisdom and all that but now's not the best time for me to handle tongue-in-cheek passive-sarcastically phrased 2x4's.

Much love to you regardless 🙏

Walloped posted 1/14/2020 05:24 AM

SD -

How are you holding up?

faithfulman posted 1/14/2020 21:04 PM

SaddestDad - I didn't post this after your polygraph where she passed with a "she forgot/suppressed about the times she cheated on you" because I didn't want to be "that guy".

but now... who cares if she forgot that cheated on you, sexually, over and over again?

Did she know that she was in a relationship with you when she cheated on you before your marriage, or did she forget that?

Did she know she was married to you when screwed the guy after your wedding, or did she forget that?

Did she forget who the guy was that she was fucking after every encounter, meeting and fucking him anew each time?

What I am saying is, I fail to see the relevance of her forgetting that she was fucking another man/men.

She knew she was cheating on you.

She knew it was wrong.

She did not care.

I really don't see where her forgetting makes anything less worse.

And if she really "forgot" that she was cheating on you with more than one man both prior and after you got married, which I don't believe, then dude, she is just plain crazy.

Crazy people do crazy things.

I think you need to look at your wife not just from the point of view of a betrayed husband, but as a devoted father.

Because something ain't right with this woman. Not right at all.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 9:04 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

SaddestDad posted 1/14/2020 22:35 PM

How are you holding up?

Not well, Walloped.

She knew she was cheating on you.

She knew it was wrong.

She did not care.

I don't disagree.

I really don't see where her forgetting makes anything less worse.

It doesn't make it any less worse, FM. The fact that I'm still having DDays due to her TT'ing herself is actually making it quite the opposite.

The only saving grace is that she's voluntarily telling me when she remembers something and she is actively trying to remember.

I'm so close to quitting my job since I just can't get out of bed anymore.

MC, my geberal practitioner and my father all recommend antidepressants. I agree with their recommendation, however, if I lose my libido and/or sexual abilities on top of everything else I've lost, I probably won't even leave a note behind.

faithfulman posted 1/14/2020 22:58 PM

SaddestDad, nothing is worth going through with the thoughts you are having, and certainly not this woman who is not worthy of you.

But who is worthy of you are your children, focus on them and start letting her fade. This pain she is repeatedly inflicting on you - nobody worth a damn would do that to anybody, least of all their husband and father to her children.

Find your self-worth and find your way out. The pain will be tremendous but not as bad as what you have been experiencing, and it will get better.

Think of all the wonderful times you are going to see with those beautiful children over the next 50 years!

[This message edited by faithfulman at 12:55 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

Walloped posted 1/15/2020 05:35 AM

SD - Iím sorry to hear that.

I have to say that personally, I agree with the advice youíve been given. Somethings is seriously off and whether real or not, the TT is like she is taking a sledgehammer to your head every few months. Itís not sustainable.

Has she been to see a psychiatric professional to get an actual diagnosis for what she has? Someone to asses her? In truth, regardless of her issues, you need to do something to take back control of your life because right now itís happening to you and you are not in the drivers seat. Youíre sitting in the back without a seatbelt getting tossed around while the driver swerves around bends and takes corners at 100mph.

People get divorced for much much less than what youíve endured. Itís sometning to seriously consider, IMO. Look, I donít have the right answer but what I do know is that if this keeps going on, her ďrememberingĒ something new every 6 months, itís going to kill you. Something needs to change.

[This message edited by Walloped at 5:36 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

66charger posted 1/15/2020 22:51 PM

I think most of had high hopes that this thread was dead and buried.

HalfTime2017 posted 1/16/2020 00:03 AM


I think most of had high hopes that this thread was dead and buried.

This is SD's truth and own doing. Until he decides for himself what enough is, the water boarding continues.

I have a buddy like this, and all you can do is to continue to support them, but expecting the worst. Its like you know the ship is going down, but homeboy just doesn't have it in him to jump off.

You can't make them do it, and they won't listen to you anyway. Its almost like talking to a teenager. They say, Dad, "I know, I know!" and do it anyway. Frustrating as hell, but what can you do. LOL

I'm sorry SD, we are rooting for you, but you keep going back into the game when you've already sustained too many injuries. At some point, you're going to really hurt yourself. You and your WW aren't even yet at zero. She's still TT you, and every time something new comes out you're back at zero. And yet, she's gotten comfortable again. Not really working for you and we all know whats going to come next.

Truth: you need major IC work. Like real major IC work where you're challenged and they're not just telling you what you want to hear.

steadychevy posted 1/16/2020 07:00 AM

Chose life. Chose to live. Get out of the trauma. The longer you stay the more it takes you down. It isn't enduring it's punishing. Help yourself.

Truth: you need major IC work.

You have a future. Go for it. Grab it with both hands.

Thumos posted 1/16/2020 09:26 AM

Remember the POS that she had a ONS with on the day we were looking at engagement rings? Yeah... apparently, it wasn't a ONS. Nor was it limited to when we were dating. One time was IN THE FUCKING ELEVATOR AT WORK!!

I have not been an active part of this thread so apologize if this has already been addressed ó but I feel this is revelation morphs this into a retroactive version of many JFO threads when a betrayed discloses that they are engaged to be married and that their fiancťe has cheated on them.

What do we almost always tell those folks? RUN. Iíve yet to read a thread in this circumstance where the collective crowdsourced wisdom says otherwise or encourages an engaged betrayed to ďwork it outĒ

Why am I saying this? Because essentially your wife is actually giving you a real time machine. She managed the thing we all want! She built a time machine and took you back. She just took you to the past and dropped you off at the door to the wedding chapel or temple or courthouse or wherever. Youíre standing there and you find out on the precipice of committing your life to her that she screwed another man the very day you were picking out her ring and was servicing him on the regular.

In which case you would do what we always recommend to someone in that situation: RUN.

I donít believe her repressed memory syndrome. It makes her sound truly psychotic and thereís dubious empirical support for repressed memories. In other words it is horseshit but more worryingly it is horseshit being fed to you by a woman who seems to think this is a legitimate form of communicating with you. The markers of an NPD or BPD personality are pretty high here.

You just traveled back in time. Run. Get away from this woman.

sisoon posted 1/16/2020 16:14 PM

I'm really sorry this is happening, SD, sorry that you have to endure it, sorry that your W is so messed up.

Remember: you do have a contract that allows D.

Is D'ing an adulterous W mandatory in your community? Do you have the 2 witnesses, etc.?

My understanding is that if the ADs reduce your sexual desire, you won't care.

In any case, keep choosing life, every minute of every day. You feel awful now, but you still have options to make your life better.

And the first IC I used told me that I'd never get better unless I took suicide off the table. I believed her.

Be well. Gotta run.

BigBlueEyes posted 1/18/2020 07:00 AM

You have endured so much trauma SD,
Itís no wonder you have hit a brick wall.

Come on,
you have to gain your strength back not just for yourself but also for your beautiful daughter that adores you.

You have helped me so much in my hours, days, weeks & months of need, I owe you so much,
Iím gonna keep repaying my debt to you.

We need that half assed bro hug ((((SD))))

SaddestDad posted 1/20/2020 13:57 PM

You have endured so much trauma SD,
Itís no wonder you have hit a brick wall.

Come on,
you have to gain your strength back not just for yourself

I know. You're right. And I'm trying to do just that. It's not just for myself, but for both of my beautiful kids.

Thank you all for your continued support and comradarie to and for me.

BigBlueEyes posted 1/21/2020 08:28 AM

Ohh I apologise, completely forgot you have 2 adorable babies,

Glad to have you back SD,

SaddestDad posted 1/31/2020 08:52 AM

Hey everyone. This is going to be a long (and potentially rambling) one.
You have been forewarned. Enter the void, ye of solid morals and faith.

Just checking in. I understand that certain things I'd said in my most recent update had been alarming for many to read... quite frankly, I was, in fact, in the state of mind that you'd been worried I may be in.
On a 1-10 of the "Just Do It" scale, I was on an 8.5 or 9. WW stopped me, and I spent the following day broken down sobbing on the phone for hours to a woman who is [essentially] my godmother.

Since then, I've been pushing myself to baby-step myself back up the helix.

The epiphany that I'd had which got me to be able to start getting back over the hump is as follows:

My employer was actively betraying and abusing me which, in turn, was giving more strength and power to the pain from the 1-6-20 TT-DDay than was otherwise warranted.

With the help of our MC, my IC & two mentors that I hold very highly of, I had been able to make this decision and understand why it was so important to do so.

Realizing that I was being actively betrayed professionally while learning to cope with the fallout from being betrayed personally was pushing me further and further into the downward spiral and gave the TT more power than it deserved. I even ended up skipping out on a professional event that I was cohosting because I was unable to get out of bed. That was when I had the light-bulb moment of clarity.

I, therefore, resigned from said position so I can focus on self-care & getting a role that (even if it ends up being a lower-level position) will be stable, less time spent out on the road, and working for mutually loyal people/company culture. I did so respectfully, touted familial stressors as opposed to telling the CEO (who I reported directly to) that he's a lying sack of shit dangling an ant-covered carrot in front of his employees, and we ended things amicably and with good tidings both ways.

The first week of being home was horrendous. Even though I had a huge weight taken off my shoulders and I was excited for the future (for the first time in a long time), I still was totally and utterly depressed. Bed-ridden, showerless, grungy & withdrawn. I ate when WW begged me to, kept my distance from everyone (including our kids) since I was ashamed to let them see me in such a pathetic state.

On top of everything, our 3yo DD is close to being "expelled" from "pre-preschool" (self-glorified babysitters who can't handle a class of 18 3yo's) unless we get her services. The "teacher calls and texts both WW and I throughout every freaking day to passive-aggressively demand updates. She's got the nerve to tell us that she "needs to see parents trying and making obtaining services the number 1 top priority." Fuck you, you quasi-babysitter. Show me your degree in Early Education, Special Education or Psychology & stop suggesting that "maybe DD has strep in the brain."
Yeah... she actually suggested that. Strep in the goddam brain. Fuckin' tool.

Anyway, this week has been better... I've been meditating again, I've been getting up in the morning and not going back to sleep. I've been making calls regarding positions - and I may already have gotten a new job lined up! ^ē^

I've been trying to force myself to eat & have also been trying to force myself to get outside, but haven't been very successful in either regard (other than a very few times.
I do, however, have a "spa day" planned with my best friend for this coming week, as he offered to drag my ass in there for steamrooming, hot tubbing and decompressing.

I am also actively planning this coming month's event. Not only will I be going, but WW has asked to come along. She was always "meh" about them & shied away in the past when I invited her to come, but she wants to come along to give me moral support while being able to finally see how I interact with people and take control of a room.

Speaking of WW, she has decided that she will start posting on SI again (she'd gotten attacked far more than she could handle at the time) because she realizes that she needs to ramp up the speed & intensity of her ongoing work and efforts before the tower of our M crumbles into dust.

Again, thank you all for listening & for all of the support and advice you've continued to give me for almost a year.
My Gd... in 4 days, it's going to be 1 year since DDay #1. I guess I should plan to do a 1 year update post on that day in General, but for those of you who've been with me from the very beginning... you deserved a much more detailed & thorough update. Yeah, there's some bad shit being mentioned... but also (IMHO) some good things mixed in as well. And it's the good that I've gotta continue focusing on so that the bad becomes powerless over my present & future.

Hugs to all.

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