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Shattered & Heartbroken

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sisoon posted 1/31/2020 15:46 PM

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you're choosing life. baby steps are fine.

DoinBettr posted 1/31/2020 16:25 PM

Glad you are back and more out of the crap storm.
That is the first time I have seen your WW write out all the crap in detail she did. I bet she threw up a few times while she re-read it.
I hope you get a new job and find your peace.
Good luck.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 4:27 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

SaddestDad posted 2/2/2020 15:02 PM

Sounds like you're choosing life.

Definitely choosing life. Hoping that I don't ever have a question in the future as such.

That is the first time I have seen your WW write out all the crap in detail she did.

I know how hard it was for her to do so and seeing her having done so of her own volition is a very good sign in my book.

pureheartkit posted 2/4/2020 20:31 PM

It's been a tough year for you.

It's good to know the truth even when it hurts again. You're a good person and a loving father.

You have every right to be happy in life. Keep looking into yourself. I left a bad job too. It was a good decision. Hoping you find something that you really like and feel excited about.

You're smart, you're funny. I'm sorry you had this happen but you're stronger than before.

My friend at school thinks we are coming out of a dark age and into a new golden age. Woo yea! I want to live to see that. We all have to hang in there together. Make a better world for the kids.

SaddestDad posted 2/6/2020 11:08 AM

It's been a tough year for you.

That's an understatement

But truthfully... it's been a tough year for every single person on this forum who needs to take advice... my world having been exploded isn't unique nor any more traumatic than anyone else's.
Which is why I'm grateful for SI. I don't even get upset anymore about the stuff I read that used to get me angry... when there's a harsh or cruel post, whether directed at me, another BS or even a WS, I know that it's coming from a place of currently palpable pain OR from a place of BTDT and trying to save another from the same.
I look forward to trolls popping back out of the woodworks so I can mess with their heads.
(T/J - I can almost guarantee you that whoever it's been recently trolling w multiple accounts is a WS that has/had a BS on SI and is lashing out in vengeance)

It's good to know the truth even when it hurts again.

I agree 1000% - I'd rather be the man who's in immense pain with a proper diagnosis (and understanding for said pain) than the man who looks like a supermodel, runs 10 miles a day, has no medical history... and drops dead out of something seemingly acute & sudden, only for doctors to then discover he had a ticking timebomb that was missed due to not looking for the signs.

You're a good person and a loving father.

I appreciate that very much. I may be a loving father, but I've ironically not been there enough for our kids during dark times. I need to step up my game on that.

You have every right to be happy in life. Keep looking into yourself. I left a bad job too. It was a good decision.

So far, it still feels like the right decision, however, I will say that it's been panic-inducing for us both at times...
Hoping you find something that you really like and feel excited about.

AMEN!! (Phonetically, "AYYYYYYYY-MEN!!"

You're smart, you're funny. I'm sorry you had this happen but you're stronger than before.

Thank you for the kind words. In some ways, I am stronger and more decisive. In other ways, however, I've become someone that is weak and feeble. Working on either becoming stronger than I was prior in those regards, or at least balancing the two sides to a happy balanced medium.

My friend at school thinks we are coming out of a dark age and into a new golden age. Woo yea! I want to live to see that. We all have to hang in there together. Make a better world for the kids.

Tbh - I think that we've already been in the new golden age for quite some time. That'll be for the historians to determine when they look back and determine such (as long as the world lasts that long lol).

Either way, I know that I just need to keep doing whatever I can to give the right tools and nurture for our children to become the best versions of themselves.
To do so, I need to be the right mentor for them. I need to be at a level of health and stability.

Thumos posted 2/7/2020 09:57 AM

Iím puzzled about something having now read your WWís more detailed claims for repressed memories.

Do you actually believe this?

Thereís almost no scientific support for such a notion and even those advocating for the idea that people can repress significant memories over and over admit that it is exceedingly rare.

Also, unless I donít know about it, I donít see anywhere your wife claiming to have repressed memories about any other area of her life other than her very active extramarital sex life over a long period of time.

Does that strike you as convenient horseshit?

Thumos posted 2/7/2020 10:02 AM

My friend at school thinks we are coming out of a dark age and into a new golden age.


I disagree. Aside from material prosperity almost every other data point indicates an increasingly unhealthy and toxic society in free fall without any of the basic human units Of support to ameliorate that. I think instead we are on the cusp of a new techno dark age that nearly every sci-fi writer from the mid-20th century foretold. And that people like Nietzsche actually warned would come in the early 21st century.

SaddestDad posted 2/7/2020 10:48 AM

Iím puzzled about something having now read your WWís more detailed claims for repressed memories.

Do you actually believe this?

Yes, I do. As for using the terminology of "claims..." just stop, dude.

Thereís almost no scientific support for such a notion and even those advocating for the idea that people can repress significant memories over and over admit that it is exceedingly rare.

I'm curious if you're an MC or an IC that has the experience & wisdom to make such a "claim" yourself. How'd that work for ya? Remind me again... why and how did you end up on SI to begin with? How long have you felt that you're in POLF stage?

Also, unless I donít know about it, I donít see anywhere your wife claiming to have repressed memories about any other area of her life other than her very active extramarital sex life over a long period of time.

Obviously you aren't such a thorough back-reader. She has no memories from prior to 8 years old.

Does that strike you as convenient horseshit?

Idk, you tell me... doesn't your picking & choosing of the back story's details strike as significantly more convenient?

Thumos... please refrain from starting to make me doubt what I do believe (which has been agreed upon by my IC, my WW's FIC & our MC) and spiral & cycle me back into my obsessive need for every ounce of "proof."
'Kay, thanks.

GreatWideOpen posted 2/10/2020 19:24 PM

SaddestDad, you stated

She has no memories from prior to 8 years old.
This is perfectly normal as most people don't retain early childhood memories into adulthood and many retained memories from birth to school age aren't accurate. Internet search it, you can't support her cheating amnesia with that assertion.

Butforthegrace posted 2/10/2020 20:09 PM

Obviously you aren't such a thorough back-reader. She has no memories from prior to 8 years old.

This is pretty common. I have zero memories prior to age approximately 5 or 6, and only a few isolated "spot" memories prior to about age 10.

Like other readers, I have a great deal of difficulty believing your WW's claim that she has zero memory of frequent, active, varied, consensual sex with multiple men before, during, and after your marriage. I personally also believe it is complete bullshit.

I am curious to know whether your WW has received an actual medical diagnosis for her claimed highly selective and suspiciously self-serving amnesia. Is there a DSM category for this that applies her her specific circumstance? I'm genuinely curious.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:04 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

DoinBettr posted 2/11/2020 10:26 AM

What is more important is how do you feel about her actions now?
Have you been able to be intimate with her? You don't have to answer, I just remember you were revolted by her earlier.
That is a big telling story about your current healing path.
How are you handling this new understanding that your wife can just "forget" things that are incredibly important for your relationship?
Just something to discuss in MC if you 2 are still going.
It asks her to take the stance, guilty until proven innocent. She used to hate that too. It was part of her superiority complex.
Lastly, you did a Satyr earlier. Are you reconnected with your faith or still going with an arms length approach now?
Just wondering because I know you were feeling directionless there for a bit.

Skadu posted 2/11/2020 11:23 AM

This is perfectly normal as most people don't retain early childhood memories into adulthood and many retained memories from birth to school age aren't accurate. Internet search it, you can't support her cheating amnesia with that assertion.

Yep, this is normal and not indicative of any abnormal memory issues.

I have like...4 memories prior to 6-7, and they're vague at best. your brain tends to slough off things that aren't impactful, traumatic, or otherwise important.

SaddestDad posted 2/12/2020 10:02 AM

I plan to respond to all as thoroughly as I can without being redundant, but I don't have the time to do so at the moment. Thank you to all that have been investing time and energy into me and my wellbeing.

Lastly, you did a Satyr earlier.

I don't understand the above, DB... can you please clarify/define what that means?

ShatteredSakura posted 2/12/2020 10:18 AM

I think they meant a "seder"

DoinBettr posted 2/12/2020 10:43 AM

The event where you did the reading for multiple hours. Auto correct changed it to Satyr. Seder might be right.
I think it is the meal with the multiple stages.
It has been a while since I hung out with my religious Jewish friends. The ones I usually see are very casual with their attendance.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 9:44 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

ShatteredSakura posted 2/12/2020 10:51 AM

Auto correct changed it to Satyr.†

That's pretty funny :)

Especially knowing that a Satyr is a lustful Greek mythological half-man half-goat.

Also funny because I'm Greek and my WW was jewish, so Im familiar with both...

sisoon posted 2/12/2020 12:28 PM

...Except that SD's W's behavior fits with being sexually abused as a child, and if that's the case, her inability to remember is much different from the normal adult's ability to remember.

I'm not saying she IS a CSA survivor, just that her behavior is consistent with that.

If she is a CSA survivor, recovery is different from that of someone who wasn't abnormally abused.

SD is entitled to call it quits at any time, no matter what the source of his W's infidelity At the same time, one of the factors that led me to choose R was that my W is a CSA survivor, and I thought the benefit of doubts was appropriate.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:29 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

sensibletinch posted 2/14/2020 06:41 AM

The amount of projection in this thread is higher than usual, I would say. So many posts just lashing and not helping SD.

As for the memory issue, I have never met anybody who has no memories of grade 1 or even kindergarten (so, 5 years old), so I'm really surprised by the claims that having no memories before 8-years-old is normal. Personally, I'm not known for having a good memory, and I have clear memories from when I was three, and even a couple of vague images from when I was two.

SD, I hope you can take the good contributions to your thread and filter off the angry posts.

RegretfullyMe posted 2/18/2020 18:09 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:10 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

SaddestDad posted 2/18/2020 18:51 PM

... how an incorrect idea coming from a well-intentioned place can produce disastrous results

RegretfullyMe,
You mean like posting on JFO when you're not a BS?
Thanks for comin' out, hope your master's degree was attained with a higher GPA than the one you've accrued since being on SI since 2013.
Can't seem to find any threads with the story of how you destroyed your betrayed partner, but maybe I'm just part of the uneducated massed flock 🤷‍♂️

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