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Shattered & Heartbroken

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Stevesn posted 2/22/2019 10:31 AM

Duplicate message

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:31 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]

Jduff posted 2/22/2019 10:38 AM

She is adamant that she thinks nothing other than disgust for him now.

She emphasizes that I am her entire world and, although I should've been before, it's even more clear-cut with definitiveness now than it ever was.

She is willing and open to everything and anything needed to earn my trust back.

She started writing a timeline but can't write at work and the kids get extremely distracting while they're up. When they're asleep, we try to make "us" time and working on the timeline at those times would sacrifice the other efforts we're making.

Well, that answers my earlier question.

SaddestDad, I know it feels like some of us are piling on. We just want to make sure the rose-colored glass are completely off of you as you inspect your own situation. A lot of times, new members want to overlook certain facts, statements, acts, behaviors of their wayward partner because we are desperate to see some good in them but as often then case, the devil is truly in the details. This process is about putting all of that on the able for examination. Leave no dark corner. This shit is tough and it churns the stomach to unfelt levels discomfort you never knew existed. What Stevesn is laying out for you is the truth. Stay with his guidance.

SaddestDad posted 2/22/2019 10:58 AM

Jduff, I understand and appreciate it. I've never been much of a mirror darkly person, myself. Just the fact that I chose the signature I did (and that I understand the reference you make) AND am an orthodox religious Jew probably is indicative of my desire to know, to understand and to grow.

I certainly will continue to come here for support and guidance, as the ability for such is severely lacking in my community.

LivingWithPain posted 2/22/2019 11:08 AM

AND am an orthodox religious Jew

You may want to remind your WW that if she had done what she did two thousand years ago she would most likely be lying dead under a pile of stones in the village square.

Have you consulted with your Rabbi?

SaddestDad posted 2/22/2019 11:12 AM

LWP, she actually would've had her stomach distended to explosion

I have not. I do not have a Rabbi that I feel close enough to nor that would be able to give any guidance without judging.

Stevesn posted 2/22/2019 13:34 PM

SD

I sent you a private message. You should be able to find it from your profile page. Let me know if you cannot.

survrus posted 2/22/2019 16:32 PM

I sure hope the guy was circumcised, if he was circumcise him again, if not Moile time

Stevesn posted 2/23/2019 07:18 AM

Hi SD

Have you had a discussion yet like I recommended?

Tell her ďyou need to drive this work. You need to show me what you will do to make up for what you have done. I will provide input, my thoughts, my criticism, my appreciation along the way, but Itís up to you to make it happen. Thatís what will show me that you are all in. I want us to succeed. My heart depends upon it.Ē

SD, no one innately knows how to repair a marriage that they have destroyed thru infidelity. That knowledge just doesnít exist within us as we never think we will be in that position.

So itís ok to tell her that she needs to research what to do and deliver the first draft of such a plan to you.

I promise you what ever she brings to you the first time will NOT be sufficient. No oneís WS has ever gotten it right the first time. You are not alone.

You can tell her once she brings you the first attempt, you will discuss it and review it. You will have input for it. Some items you will change or delete. Some you will add.

It will be a discussion and you will finalize this plan for now. It will change over time, thru doing this work and thru more discussion. Itís a living document.

And you wonít just put it in a drawer and let it sit. She should review it herself daily to make sure she is doing the work. And at first you will sit down for 20-40 minutes weekly to make sure it still makes sense, discuss if you both (yes you will have a part) are succeeding or struggling, and then make a decision if you both are still ALL IN to making it work.

I know itís difficult to do all this, especially with small kids. It may make sense to get a sitter for a couple of hours a week to ensure that you have some real time to work on this.

Itís ok to take time away from the kids to do this important work. They are countng on you two to get this right. Their family structure depends on it.

Keep asking questions my friend. Let us know how itís going.

There are no shortcuts off the rollercoaster that is infidelity. But two people that really want to find happiness again together can make it happen. But they need to seriously work at it as if they are training to win a marathon. It takes diligence.

SaddestDad posted 2/24/2019 14:54 PM

Hey Stevesn,
Yes, we've had discussions and I've made my needs very transparent. She understands what she needs to do in order to help heal me and us.

She has been continuing the timeline and I have been taking care of the kids whenever I can in order to give her the time and space needed to do so. She's already rediscovered new details that weren't mentioned prior, so the timeline is definitely helping. After she finishes each segment, we go over it and discuss it.

We are in this 10000% and we know that it's going to take a long time. Neither myself nor she are looking to have a quick bandaid nor brushing under the rug.

This is for the long haul. It's gonna be rough for a long time. Thank you again to all of you for your continued support and guidance.

I honestly think I would have killed myself if I hadn't found this forum, so thank Gd for that and for you all.

ShutterHappy posted 2/24/2019 16:45 PM

Saddestdad,

You got me worried when you wrote this:

Whatever I dont care anymore. Life is shit.

The best analogy I can come up with: one day you are relaxing in a 5 star hotel, the next, you wake up waist deep in sewage. Now, to get out of it, you need a plan and follow it. ďMy plan is to swim to the bankĒ.

You want to R. Make sure your requirements are met. Be ready to D if they are not met. Donít stand still in the sewage, and donít head back there because ďyou love herĒ

Strength!

SaddestDad posted 2/24/2019 17:49 PM

Hey Shutter,
When I wrote that I was definitely in a mindset to be concerned about... the analogy you give is very true except that you left out an important detail (or at least as it seems to be for me):

Even when you wake up in a 5 Star hotel, the same surroundings decay and wither around you.
I see the 5 Star rating only after wiping the dust off the plaque where it's written. The food tastes amazing when you eat, ravenous, the first time in 2 days...
I then notice smudged cutlery... the lipstick-ringed cups... the wrinkled napkins... the fetid smell of the waiter's BO.

Perhaps my surroundings aren't changing, nor have they ever... but I'm definitely more depressed than I've been before - even on good days (like yesterday was).

SaddestDad posted 2/24/2019 17:50 PM

PS - it's not sewage I'm knee-deep in. It's a tar pit.

ShutterHappy posted 2/24/2019 21:33 PM

They say you learn from your mistakes. My XWW cheated 2 years into the marriage, and that was before SI. So I made pretty much all the mistakes imaginable. I learnt so much! (Cynism) And I felt just like you.

Fast forward 20 odd years, I joined this site, picked a positive name because I like to annoy people , and Iím here to tell you, you can get through this.

It will take time. But donít stand still in the tar. You walk away from infidelity one day at a time with or without you WW.

SaddestDad posted 2/24/2019 23:10 PM

(Rewritten here by suggestion made by Shatter)

For the first time since Dday I actually turned down sex from WW. It was after she had begun opening up more about the EA and both of us realizing that it almost became PA not once, not twice, but THREE times and the ONLY reasons it didn't turn into PA was because:
A) She wanted to make OP suffer a bit because he had stood her up a couple of times in the past (so she says)

B) Because during those times, she was unsure of when I'd be home and got cold feet (I believe that to be 95% more truthful than her above-stated reason)

How am I supposed to realistically believe her when things like this keep coming out?

Oh, and the best part? The first "almost" was a week after our honeymoon.
The second and third "almosts" within half a month of our first anniversary.

5 days after the first "almost," we had gotten into a big texting fight due to her lack of desire for intimacy.
Within a few days of the third "almost," we got into a long texting fight about her inability to be (or even act) turned on in anticipation.

On the actual days that almost became PA, there was almost no texting correspondence between her and I.

Q: Do these seem to be coincidental or am I just picking/grasping at straws and correlative hindsight??

I'm so sad, frustrated, angry and hurt. Every time I think I'm starting to feel better, I feel another nail shoved into me.

[This message edited by SaddestDad at 7:02 AM, February 25th (Monday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 2/24/2019 23:43 PM

Hi SaddestDad,

Sadly, what you are learning is pretty common. We call it Trickle Truth and it is brutaló often it is worse than the affair itself. The lies by omission, the minimization of their actions. This is why we push for a hard front line- no more ďrepressed memoriesĒ, no ďit was justĒ. Learning what D would entail and your rights, DNA testing your kids... these are to help you and to let her know you are not messing around. You need truth, the whole ugly truth, otherwise you canít know what it is you are recovering from.

This is always why we ask you to not promise R yet. Or D. But to push for the truth and to watch her actions. True remorse means she will find the time and make the time to do the work she needs to do to help you, and to work on herself. And you need to see her doing the right things for weeks and months, consistently. Words are easyó but any chance of R is all about her actions.

That she was sliding down the slippery slope of A during the honeymoon phase of your marriage is very sad and not a great sign. I am sorry.

Keep taking care of you and your littles. And watch her actions. Trust your spidey-sense.

faithfulman posted 2/25/2019 00:04 AM

SaddestDad, I think "Almost became a PA" is bullshit.

I don't think you should in any way show acceptance of "almost". Hammer her on how far they went physically under threat of a polygraph and you will start to learn a tiny bit of truth.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:50 AM, February 25th (Monday)]

SnowToArmPits posted 2/25/2019 00:05 AM

How am I supposed to realistically believe her when things like this keep coming out?

Oh, and the best part? The first "almost" was a week after our honeymoon.
The second and third "almosts" within half a month of our first anniversary.


That's a hard question to answer. One thing it means is your wife has a lot of work to do to make your marriage better and to become a better partner.

One of the reasons you feel you're in a tar pit is you're realizing there is something broken with your wife. It's been shameful, destructive, pitiful actions for a new wife. Not a healthy place for you to live your life.

Why does she feel a need to sabotage your young marriage? She needs some IC help to figure this out. Insist upon it.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 12:07 AM, February 25th (Monday)]

Rustylife posted 2/25/2019 03:45 AM

You're on very shaky grounds man. Is it wrong if I say that the only reason you haven't thought about divorcing is because the affair wasn't physical-or so she says-during the marriage? This was a second relationship. It's extremely heinous.

You can't negotiate desire. Maybe she doesn't love you like a wife is supposed to love a husband. She has you boxed in a role of provider and not her lover. This is all on her. Not your fault at all. You approached her with your entire heart and with honesty while she was looking at other benefits of marrying you. She never invested in you as a lover and deceived you about her desires. Look into a post nuptial agreement. Protect yourself before attempting reconciliation.

Stevesn posted 2/25/2019 06:59 AM

Question for you SD

I think you alluded to this.

Are all 3 of the APs single or divorced? Do any of them have wives or girlfriends? If so, we should discuss having you contact them with proof, without telling your WW that you are going to do this.

Also, telling your W that you plan to polygraph her on what she puts in the timeline is not a bad idea.

Have you both found a secular IC that specializes in Infidelity yet? This week should be dedicated to doing that. Please work on it. Itís the number one step to determining if R is possible. You will both need this support while doing this work.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:07 AM, February 25th (Monday)]

Stevesn posted 2/25/2019 13:35 PM

Itís usually best to stick to 1 thread.

New posts by you, even with new questions will bump it to the top of the list.

This makes it easier as time goes on for posters to go back and get reacquainted with the details of your story before commenting.

Not a requirement of course, but just a recommendation.

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