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Shattered & Heartbroken

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SaddestDad posted 2/25/2019 22:20 PM

Thank you all for responses. This is gonna be long since I'll try to answer each one in the same post and still haven't figured out how to quote :-/

I hear where you're all coming from. I really, truly do. I understand that you're trying to protect me from potentially tunnel-blinding myself and ignoring things that shouldn't be ignored. I appreciate the hell out of you guys & gals!

I'm not negotiating desire... the A's ended 2 years ago. I just happened to discover now.

She does love me, and is fully remorseful, as well as doing everything she can to prove herself. I'm trying to not be too harsh, but I am also asserting my control for now until I feel emotionally stable again and that I feel the trust has been re-earned.

I accept the "almost" because I corroborated it with the texts, times & my own events that were occurring on those exact days. She got cold feet when she realized that she would easily get caught wet-handed (pun intended) without being able to know when I'd get home. And then, once she realized what had ALMOST happened and felt the shame in such, she told him au revoir.
The problem was that a couple of months later, he started texting her AGAIN. She still had the feelings that she now admits to having had at that time, and therefore continued to respond to his texts. She had already dug the trench between the EA and potential PA.

I'm not validating the EA, nor her actions nor her ALMOST actions but I do acknowledge that when she realized she was F'ing up, she did what she felt she could without risking further shame. Selfish? Yes. Understandable? Also yes.

We have not found secular IC's as of yet, Stevesn, but that is on the agenda AFTER I reach out to the OMW's (2 AP's were WH's). The third was single, I believe.

Buster123 posted 2/25/2019 23:33 PM

I wouldn't give her that much credit, assuming the "almost" is true, she simply didn't have sex with him those times because she didn't know your schedule and didn't know what time you were coming home (she considered to have sex in your own home/bed which adds to the level of disrespect towards you), I still find it hard to believe that it didn't become a PA (cheaters lie, minimize and TT), remember a PA just takes minutes, a quick BJ, kissing, hand job, etc, they could have met anywhere for that, his car, a motel, a park, etc., I would press her on that. I would still polygraph her, she's now a proven cheater and a liar and this may not have been her first rodeo (another good question for the poly to see if this was her only A or just the first one you found out about).

Stevesn posted 2/26/2019 12:03 PM

How are you doing today?

Check in when you can.

SaddestDad posted 2/26/2019 12:30 PM

Hey Stevesn,
Pretty shitty today but I'm hearing up to break the news to the OMW's. Going out with W tonight without the kids so that's good but it was a rough night.

Buster, I hear where you're coming from but all of the evidence corroborates that she's telling the truth that they did not end up having PA. You're right that the only reason probably IS because she was afraid I'd catch her, but regardless of what the deterrent was, she still ended up making the right choice in that regard and I won't go after her for what was almost done.

I AM furious and hurt even more than I was because she HAD been planning to and THAT is something I'm not ready to forgive for.

Stevesn posted 2/26/2019 12:53 PM

Good luck with the OBSís. Let us know how it goes.

There have been lots of discussion about forgiveness here at SI. Many different viewpoints.

SD, mine is that no one is asking you to forgive right now. In fact no one will ask you to forgive ever.

It is in fact possible to reconcile without forgiving.

I havenít solidified my thoughts on the subject, but my going hypothesis is that you can forgive the person without having to forgive the act.

If she does the work, changes who she is, helps you heal, and commits herself to you as the love of her life, then that new person is very forgivable, in my opinion only.

You donít have to forgive the act by forgiving someone who has worked hard, thru actions not just words, to show you what you mean to her.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:53 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

Buster123 posted 2/26/2019 13:08 PM

I AM furious and hurt even more than I was because she HAD been planning to and THAT is something I'm not ready to forgive for.

I'm glad you've found your anger, you should and rightly so.

but regardless of what the deterrent was, she still ended up making the right choice in that regard and I won't go after her for what was almost done.

I hope you're not trying to rugsweep this part, if she was trying to murder you and just didn't kill you at a particular moment because she fear someone could see her and got cold feet at the very last minute, or that the sniper she hired to do the deed got caught or had problems with the rifle and could not do it before you saw him, she would still be guilty of attempted murder (sorry for the harsh analogy), plus if you don't address this part, she could do it again in the future, make sure she knows the severity of her actions and don't allow her to minimize because she ultimately didn't do the did, not because she didn't want to, but because she felt it was too risky during those "almost" situations.

Keep posting, you're receiving good advice and it sounds you're taking control of the situation, again I'm glad you found your anger.

SorrowfulMoon posted 2/26/2019 15:36 PM

You are doing well and her behaviour is encouraging, albeit her integrity is still questionable.

Have you asked her why she actually married you? Would she have preferred to marry the OM if he had been single and available?

Both seem very likely given she was planning to betray you a week after the honeymoon. So were you Plan B?

Notwithstanding her disgusting behaviour at such an early stage in the marriage what does it say about her moral centre that she was having an affair with a married man before she met you and then during your actual marriage.

It's all very puzzling to me why she actually married you, particularly in the light of her passive sexual attitude towards you throughout.

SaddestDad posted 2/27/2019 08:22 AM

Stevesn, I like that hypothesis and agree. If I couldn't forgive myself for my own specific acts in the past (nothing in terms of infidelity, just in general) I wouldn't be able to look at myself in a mirror but I do still hate those specific things I did when I was younger.

Buster, your analogy is a bit extreme but for good reason. I actually used it & explained my feelings about the "almosts" to her last night and she understands fully where I'm coming from. She agreed that she probably doesn't see that only because she is rationalizing internally as a defense mechanism in order to prevent from feeling more selfguilt.
I am certainly not rugsweeping in terms of what I believe from what she's said and done. All of my conclusions are and will continue to be empirical and evidence-based. I've emphasized that to her as well so that she fully comprehends that I'm not jumping to assumptions, rather, calling her out on that which she doesn't realize herself because I'm putting the jigsaw puzzle together.

Sorrowful, thank you. I did ask her that (a few times) and she said that she would not have married him even if he were available for marriage. She understood that he was horrible for (and TO her, treating her like a cheap slutty bootycall... which, I guess was what she was). She said that she married me because of my character and resilience, as well as our connection, communication and physical attraction.

I know what you mean about the honeymoon. Our honeymoon was 10 months after we got married. Still, I agree with you that for her to almost have PA within a week from when we got back is upsetting as F.

Her passive sexual attitude toward me was due to her compartmentalization of her sexual side when we started going out to begin with combined with religious reasons (orthodox Jewish). I'm not a Rabbi and it's a bit hard to explain the nitty gritty of that aspect.

I plan for today to be a great day and will keep you all in the loop of how it goes when I contact OBS this week.

TimSC posted 2/27/2019 11:54 AM

"Almost" means that the intention was there, the plan was in place, the desire was there, then fear of getting caught stopped her. It would have been better for you if love of her husband stopped her or even guilt.

Bottom line is that she wanted it to happen and was just afraid of the consequences of getting caught.

Hard to forget that. What happens down the road when she feels the urge again?

SaddestDad posted 2/27/2019 12:24 PM

Hey Tim, thanks for your thoughts.
I hear what you're saying and you're right, however, regardless of what the deterring factor was, the fear of the urge (and potential future PA) will always come up, no?

My concern isn't whether she loves me now or not. The concern I have is more akin to, "Ok... she loves me. She loved me then too, just not as deeply, and yet, still had an A. What's to say her love will be enough to prevent it again?"

Therefore, I'm glad there WAS a deterrent, regardless of what it was. It's a sad and horrible situation either way, but if it WAS a PA, she would now be living in a box under the highway.

SaddestDad posted 2/27/2019 15:54 PM

I just told OBS.
I'll be back after I'm buzzed enough.

Wool94 posted 2/27/2019 16:13 PM

SaddestDad, please stay away from the alcohol or whatever you are using to get buzzed. Not very smart to do right now.

SaddestDad posted 2/27/2019 16:15 PM

Appreciated but too late

survrus posted 2/27/2019 17:34 PM

Thanks for doing what I wished someone had done for me.

The exposure is cost to your WWs love object and creates a mental barrier to your WW cheating again. I hope your WW feels some of OMs pain of exposure and some appropriate guilt for what she did to OMWs.

WW now knows you will respond to protect your family.

[This message edited by survrus at 5:35 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

SorrowfulMoon posted 2/27/2019 18:21 PM

I appreciate your thoughtful response SaddestDad. One slight concern.

She said that she married me because of my character and resilience, as well as our connection, communication and physical attraction.
No mention of love or being in love with you there but you did mention 'love' in another post. Has she said she was in love with you when you married and is she still?

Very hard to move on and reconcile if you are just in a contractual marriage.

In terms of forgiveness I agree with Stevesn

There have been lots of discussion about forgiveness here at SI.

Many different viewpoints.SD, mine is that no one is asking you to forgive right now. In fact no one will ask you to forgive ever.

It is in fact possible to reconcile without forgiving.

I havenít solidified my thoughts on the subject, but my going hypothesis is that you can forgive the person without having to forgive the act.

If she does the work, changes who she is, helps you heal, and commits herself to you as the love of her life, then that new person is very forgivable, in my opinion only.

You donít have to forgive the act by forgiving someone who has worked hard, thru actions not just words, to show you what you mean to her


What you do need to do is accept the act(s), even though you hate them, otherwise you cannot fully reconcile.


survrus posted 2/27/2019 18:38 PM

SD,

You did not damage OMs wife and family any more that the people who took down Madoff were responsible for his crimes.

SaddestDad posted 2/27/2019 19:43 PM

Has she said she was in love with you when you married and is she still?

Yes, she did answer that wholeheartedly that she did and is still (even more so, actually). Sorry, I'm trying to answer everything and I seem to be missing a few details here and there in reiteration.

I hope your WW feels some of OMs pain of exposure and some appropriate guilt for what she did to OMWs

She certainly does because I made her sit there and listen. I wanted her to realize how much of a shitstorm she created and how much damage.
It's actually helping with her memory from the compartmentalized events because she's been asking me specific questions about their affair that I would not have thought to answer, which, in my slightly selfish and biased view, is beneficial for me.


setecastronomy posted 2/27/2019 19:50 PM

I just told OBS.
I'll be back after I'm buzzed enough.

1) Don't do that. Really.

2) If you do that, don't do it with the good stuff, because that's just a waste.

SaddestDad posted 2/27/2019 20:17 PM

1) Don't do that. Really

Already did, wasn't very buzzed for very long.

2) If you do that, don't do it with the good stuff, because that's just a waste.

I didn't waste the good stuff, just hit the strong stuff which is much easier to replenish

My bottom shelf is the top shelf in most bars...

SaddestDad posted 2/28/2019 10:10 AM

How does everyone here deal and cope with the aftermath of telling the OBS? Yes, yes, I know it was he who destroyed them but it was still me, a total stranger, that reached out with the news.

I feel like an evil man.
I'm answering all questions that I can. I even suggested that she check out SI... but I can't shake the guilt that i have.

They have a kid close in age to my own. I overheard the kid in the background of the call. I burst out crying when I hung up after hearing the kid say "bye, tank-oo."
I keep reliving those words in my mind over. And over. And over.

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