timespent,
Thank you for your post. It is nice to hear that I am not alone in my struggle. I think us WS all have this feeling of exceptionalism that plays out in various ways, all designed to allow us to ignore the facts and keep acting in ways that protect ourselves. It might sound crazy, but I actually thought that my struggle to tell the truth was unique. I used to feel like my lying was something I couldn't control, and impossible to explain to my BS. I know now that it was just another wayward thought process I employed to avoid working towards change. "I can't help that I lie, so therefore you should be the one to change (stop asking)," is essentially what I communicated to my BS.
gmc94,
I appreciate your thanks. Just the act of writing out my story and reading it to myself shows me how dark and twisted I have been. It's easy to compartmentalize and view incidents in isolation, but when it is all out on the page it is impossible to see my actions as anything but disgusting and intentional.
ChangingPartner,
Regarding your comment about lying about (seemingly insignificant) events that happen at work; I do the EXACT same thing. After talking with my BS about it, I came to a realization: I like hiding things. I enjoy having a part of my life that is secret, that is separate from my wife and other parts of my life. It gives me power again, to control information, and it also gives me the sense of entitlement, that my BS doesn't need to know EVERYthing. I took me a long time to admit this- that I enjoyed cheating and lying. I know as a WS I continue to lie in part to control information, but also because it gives me a sense of excitement, the secret, the thing that I get to know and keep for myself. It also allowed me to continue to act in wayward ways, but not have to be held accountable for it.
For example, I didn't want to check in with my BS all the time. I would tell myself, "Well, if I hadn't cheated, then I wouldn't have to report to BS about everything, so I feel entitled to keep some things to myself." So then I would. I knew I would get in trouble if she found out, but I wanted to keep acting the same way, so I would choose to be dishonest. It was just work right? I would think. I told myself I valued "privacy," but really what I wanted was a safe place where I could continue to act "the way I wanted," and not have to change my behavior completely. I wanted to be right, and have things my way, and viewed BS as a police officer who was forcing me to follow rules that I didn't want to follow. But the sad truth is, I knew my behavior was hurting my wife, but I continued to do it anyway, because I selfish and entitled.
I am happy to hear you are back on SI and I do hope that you continue to keep your phone near you at all times, but be careful of complacency. I can't tell you how many times I told BS that I "would never again do ________," only to do that very thing again and again. It is easy to feel entitled as a WS, because we are used to getting what we want. Even when things get easy we have to stay on the right path. I am just coming to really see this I am sad to admit.
JBWD,
You are absolutely right. Being honest is never going to get easier, and in fact it will get harder for me. I am prone to congratulate myself on "a job well done" and feel entitled to backslide into old habits when things get better. My work is never going to be done, and I can't forget that.
hikingout,
I definitely do lie to make myself look better. Often even to myself. I need to stop looking for validation from others. If I stop caring about what other people think of me, then I won't have to lie to people to look better. But more importantly, if I change my actions so I feel better about myself, then I won't be seeking validation to feel good. I have lived a life of chasing sex and have nothing good to show for it, so I feel shame. If I find genuine things to feel good about, like becoming an honest person, then I can start to respect myself.
ChanceAtLife35,
Thank you for that. Extremely well said. I lie for the all the same reasons. We tricked our spouses into marrying us, because they didn't really know who they were agreeing to spend the rest of their life with. It is so easy to lie that it is scary, but I know that the truth will set us free. In the end, I know my life will be so much better if I can be honest about myself, but that doesn't make it any easier.
BraveSirRobin,
I really resonate with "once a liar, always a liar," without constant everyday effort. I have countless times caught myself in a lie, but convinced myself to stick with it just to keep the story straight and to eliminate more reveals. Of course this always comes out in the end, worse than it would have been I confessed to it the first time BS asked.
Sadly for me, I took advantage of my wife when she offered to let me take the time to write out what I wanted to say to her. I was given several opportunities by BS to write out a timeline or a list of the things I have been hiding, but I choose to use that as an opportunity to hide things because I could say "this is everything you need to know." I have a million times promised her that "there are no more lies," and every single time, even to this day, there are more. So I have learned to stop promising that there will be nothing more. I used up all my chances to do things "my way," and have to learn to be honest from the getgo if I want to help BS heal.
Carissima,
All of the above. I have hid big things, small things, minimized, omitted details, "forgotten" things, twisted and spun things in my favor. At the beginning of this post I said "I finally came clean." I am talking about the big things. I had a list of lies that I would never tell my wife--that I would take to the grave essentially. When confronted, and after a lot of anguish and pain on my wife's part, I would admit to one or two, say that there was nothing more, and spend all my time trying to convince her this was the truth. Then, a few months later, they cycle would continue, andI would set us back a million more steps. Each time I basically told her to stop asking and move on because "there is nothing else," which she knows is not true.