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Different perspective 2.0

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Marz posted 7/13/2019 07:37 AM

" Unspouse the house"

Now that's funny but necessary.

I found a few more items of her, took a photo and asked her if she wanted those things.
Very angry response.

I manage to step back just a little.
We both are angry and dealing with the breakup in a roller coaster type of way. She had told me before how hurtful she thought it was that I get rid of any memory of hers.

It's because she's a cake eater. They need to be wanted/needed too.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:40 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]

AFL1000 posted 7/13/2019 08:44 AM

My wife sent me a text:
"Lucky you, taking the kids on an interstate holiday and I have to deal with them when they are sick".

Sorry but you're their Mum that's your job. Can't just hand it over to ATG to deal with anymore like you used to. Oh and didn't you just have a week to yourself to continue your single girl lifestyle while ATG and the kids were away. Jeez how selfish and totally consistent with her narcissistic mind set.

Her angry response is because she is now being confronted with the reality that you are ridding the house of the last of her stuff with the intent to permanently eradicate her presence from your home and she doesn't like it.

Continue to catch up with friends. Let it filter back to your STBXW that you are out socialising and not giving her a second thought. That is your best revenge for the shitstorm she has brought into your life.

Atg100 posted 7/13/2019 16:41 PM

Mind you, she is not actually looking after them this week. It's the second week of the school holidays, her mum flew over from Perth and is looking after them whilst my ex is working every day.
She pointed out that she is working very hard several times, as if to point out how important she is now.
I don't enter a "who works harder " competition with her, we are not even on the same playing field.
- I wish to cut down and have more time with the kids to be honest, but for that, a few more things have to happen. Like the financial separation.
I briefly saw the MIL when I handed the kids back.
She was hiding in my ex's bedroom.
I said "G'day " and shook her hand.
She was crying crocodile tears.
" You misunderstood a few things"
I did not reply.
I did not misunderstand anything.
She is blame-shifting and lying.
Some people get old but don't grow up.
How does she wants to set an example of integrity for my children?

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:43 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 7/13/2019 16:58 PM

I briefly saw the MIL when I handed the kids back.
She was hiding in my ex's bedroom.

You need limited contact. Going into each other's homes isn't a good idea. Unless it was safety related for the kids.

Atg100 posted 7/13/2019 18:56 PM

I dropped kid's stuff off at the front of her house.
My daughter (5yo) ran to me and said " you need to say hello to nanny!"

I thought, I would set an example of how to behave like an adult. And that meant going to her and saying hello.
My MIL's behaviour, did not set an example.
Otherwise I wouldn't have gone in.

Marz posted 7/13/2019 19:00 PM

Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

As time goes on you are going to get even more clarity and I doubt you're going to like what you see.

Atg100 posted 7/13/2019 19:23 PM

Yes, I was wondering about my MIL a little bit.
Maybe she got lied to by her daughter and just chose to blindly believe all that shit.
Her daughter is a very accomplished liar, so that's a true possibility.
Regardless, I don't need to be her friend.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/13/2019 19:54 PM

I agree with you ATG, you were setting an example for how mature adults are supposed to act. Unfortunately, MIL doesn't seem amenable to meeting you in the middle in that regard.

Kids make everything so much harder when it comes to all of this! Ours were 19 and 16 at the time of DDay, so they're almost adults who pretty much get it, and even then I am so careful of how I communicate with them about everything. I can't imagine being in your position with little ones, when you know they are absorbing every little thing.

I am still in contact with my xMIL. Not frequently, but every few weeks or so we will text or call to check in, discuss my step daughters, how they are doing etc as well as see how each other is doing. Step Ds know that she and I still talk. But we have a strong relationship, one based on doing what is best for the girls. I have a standing invitation to come visit whenever I would like. We have discussed that we will always consider each other family, no matter the terrible decisions her son has made.

My IC says, XH isn't willing to be an adult, so it's a good thing that the girls have other people in their life who will step up and act like it. That no matter what, they know they can count on us to be a source of strength, integrity, maturity.

But I know the general consensus here is NC with everyone, and that is for good reason. My situation with my xMIL is the exception to the rule. With in laws like yours, who are clearly self-pitying as well as enabling their daughter, contact just makes things harder for you. Limiting contact as much as possible is probably best, as it's also not good for your kids to constantly see fighting or tension.

I also second what Marz is saying about not going into each other's houses, especially right now as you are still finalizing the divorce... you don't need her to start spreading rumors or talking crazy talk about you.

When I was leaving my XH, I couldn't rent a Uhaul that was big enough to get all of my things, so I had to go back a couple of times. I was also going there during the day to avoid him while he was at work. I was only ever in the house when my step daughters were there, and I did not take anything that wasn't mine. In fact I left behind a lot of things that were technically mine because I felt like the girls needed them. But anytime he couldn't find something of his, he started accusing me of having stolen it, even though I had given the landlord back my keys. Even tried to accuse my brothers of stealing his weed. All sorts of paranoid ramblings. So be careful.

I know we don't ever want to think that people would do things like that, but I've heard crazier stories, and the last thing you need in a contentious divorce is for your STBXWW to start spouting some crap about how you harassed her mother.

IMO it can't hurt to model mature, cordial behavior for your kids, but only if the other party is willing to reciprocate, and that doesn't seem to be the case here.

AFL1000 posted 7/13/2019 20:30 PM

Morning ATG

Your STBXW's reiteration that she is 'working very hard' could work to your advantage in the divorce settlement as her potential earning capacity can be taken into account re: support payments. A colleague of mine who was going through a divorce had his support payments reduced significantly when his ex wife went back to work full time. Although she did try to hide some of it ...came unstuck for her at settlement.

Great comments from HeHadADoubleLife. And support Marz's point about not entering the property for the reasons stated.

Hope remainder of weekend is less complicated.

Marz posted 7/13/2019 20:39 PM

Yes, I was wondering about my MIL a little bit.
Maybe she got lied to by her daughter and just chose to blindly believe all that shit.
Her daughter is a very accomplished liar, so that's a true possibility.

For the most part blood is thicker than water. MIL knows but chooses your wife's side anyway. Your stbx's siblings know the score and probably most of her family. (From your previous posts).

Atg100 posted 7/13/2019 21:30 PM

HeHadADoubleLife - great post and advice!

I will have to see the MIL again as she is minding the kids today. My ex is not around.

If she wants to create memories during the school holidays then her only day off was yesterday. Anyway, I am sure she will say its my fault.

(I accidentally bought tickets for a show ages ago and forgot that it's the last day of the holidays today and not my usual day.
My ex will take the kids to a birthday party next week on "my day" - she is friends with the mother, I don't know her that well, so its a fair swap.)

I have no intentions to get into her house , or have a discussion with my MIL.
She will just give me the silent treatment today, crying was last week.
Maybe anger, but certainly not - honesty.
If she would say to me "I'm sorry " , I would shake her hand and be ok with it.
But that won't happen.

Atg100 posted 7/14/2019 23:23 PM

Didnít see the MIL.
Dropped the kids off and my ex was there.
She started a conversation.
She had underestimated the value of her jewellery by a significant amount.
Luckily I found the invoices and certificates .
I took copies and gave them to her -ď for your records , please update your asset statements ď
She then complained that my lawyer had been too pushy.

And she revealed her tactic
ď I will not make any rushed decisions on the day of the mediation and will take my time to respond ď

So thatís her tactic .
Mindless dilly dallying .
Because she knows that it annoys me if we wonít come to a solution . And because she knows that its far more likely that I will seek a compromise .

But then again, none of her responses so far have been timely, so itís not really a surprise .

To avoid being seen as pushy, I only saidĒ you have an excellent lawyer, Iím sure you get good advice ď and left as quickly as possible.
( did not go into her place ; she initiated this conversation )

Overall no surprises .
I hope on the day, the mediator and the lawyer will do their job.
Itís not my role to push her along .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 11:40 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

paboy posted 7/15/2019 11:24 AM

ATG. Why don't you call her out on her abuse. She claims that you were/are abusive but unable to substantiate it yet you have ample evidence of emotional,financial, psychological, marital...

Stop allowing her to remain on her pedestal.

Is it a possibility that you are over compensating for your failures in your last marriage. The 'karma bus' syndrome.

If so, ensure this one is done 'right', 'appropriate'. Don't martyr your self over it.

Atg100 posted 7/15/2019 15:29 PM

I admit that the failures of my first marriage have come to my mind. And in dark moments I thought that I deserve what I am currently getting.
But I can also see our marriage for what it was - I was a changed man -and I put absolutely everything into it.
Maybe I am more ready to forgive as well - I learnt that people can make a mistake. But not yet.

Right now, two things guide me:
I donít want to stir anything up prior to the mediation.
And I will have to have some sort of relationship with her until the kids are grown up.
She doesnít think like that, she just lashes out.
But she is a narcissist .

Atg100 posted 7/17/2019 19:20 PM

Just checking in.
Big news flash:
No contact works and makes me feel indifferent towards here.
I know that only 2 weeks ago, I was a crying mess, so I am not mistaking this for anything but a temporary ďupĒ - and the next downturn may happen.
I got my kids back yesterday; the handover took less than a minute ; she did all the talking .
She tried to tell me something in an assertive tone ( she will take the kids to a birthday party on Saturday afternoon ) but I managed a polite version of ď yeah whatever ď.
I think I said ď Iím flexible with the time ď
I have got something social planned with the kids for all the next 3 days , so I wonít be lacking adult conversation .

Her lawyer has now taken 4 days to write a pretty simple letter ; thatís the game plan it seems, and I just have to remain calm.

Freeme posted 7/18/2019 06:25 AM

Since your WW is a Narc I agree that it's best for you to not make waves. If you react to her being unreasonable her first response is going to be to make things harder for you. Your best bet is to lay low, 180, NC, and put all your energy into moving this D as fast as possible.

She is the one that cheated has declared she isn't interested in Reconcile when you've asked and yet her goal is to do this as slowly as possible. Focus your energy and money in making that difficult for her via the lawyers.

You are handling this well, keep moving forward, and keep NC as best you can.

Atg100 posted 7/20/2019 04:23 AM

Good weekend with the kids.
Dinner yesterday ( okay pizza ) with a mate who is also a single dad and who has a boy and a girl in the same age as mine.
He has been single for longer than I have, and is on Tinder and what have you. I think he enjoys that I am far more conservative - and put the kids first .
I think we could both learn from the other- although I canít see myself having an online persona.
But Iím pretty far away from any form of dating.
Today , my ex was keen to take the kids to a birthday party. She mentioned that she was on call - she is a theatre nurse.
Of course she got called in; had no alternative option but having to ask me if I can pick up the kids from the hospital where she works. I know what it means to be on call ; I have never been on call and had the kids . But I was friendly about it. In my job, I may have to ask for help , so better to set an example . People have commented this week that I look and sound better. I hope it lasts !!!

NoOptTo posted 7/20/2019 06:29 AM

Good update ATG. Hope you continue with detaching from the STBXWW. Once again you have shown that you will do e6for your kids. Continue to limit all conversations to the kids with her. You will continue to feel better.

steadychevy posted 7/20/2019 06:53 AM

People notice, Atg. I reached out to a friend that I had intermittent contact with shortly after DDay1. I supported him when his WW committed adultery in the early 1990s.

The last few times we spoke (we speak now every 3 to 6 months, I suppose) he said that I sound like the old steadychevy - strong, positive, forward looking.

It's a good sign, Atg. These people probably have a better perspective than you do because they don't see you constantly so can measure against some standard they have. A good sign, indeed. I hope it lasts for you, too.

Atg100 posted 7/21/2019 14:50 PM

The weekend was good.
The kids had training, we went bike riding and we caught up with friends, who have kids the same age.
The kids were playing, whilst I could have a chat with the parents.
On Sundays, after the handover I use to feel quite upset. I recognize this now as one of my weak spots.
Yesterday I was better prepared- the kids' bags were on a bench outside, my ex could put them in the car, before we knew that she was here.
Then a quick "hi and good bye".
She thanked me for picking up the kids from her work, I just said " don't worry about it, you may have to return the favor one day"
And it all took less than 2 minutes.

Right after that, I went straight to the gym.
Loud music, exercise and I focused ]on what I am doing.
I don't run away from my feelings. I know them : sadness and loneliness as soon as my kids are gone.
But being sad in my house doesn't get me anywhere.

Last night, I looked at my long term plans.
Right after we separated, I set the goal of being the best dad I can be, under the new circumstances.
And that works well, as long as the kids are around.
But I think that strategy didn't include healing from my trauma. When I look at some of the situations I have been through last year, I haven't really actively allowed myself to heal.
The Bali trip was maybe the equivalent of going to a trauma hospital, right after a car crash.
But I skipped the rehab hospital afterwards.

These are my two long term objectives:

I will be the best father I can be.

By 2020 I will have healed from the trauma of the intimate betrayal and I will have moved on.

About goal two:
I have spent a lot of time looking backwards, complaining about my wife and at times I went "pain shopping".
A careful analysis of what has happened is required, but only to understand the present and only to build a better future.
These two goals are my yard stick for all actions in my private life.

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