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Different perspective 2.0

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Tallgirl posted 5/23/2019 19:16 PM

Atg, I will admit that I havenít read the last 20 pages of your post but I wanted to say how amazing I think you are.

You started with the pick me dance and now you have decided that you will not be used or manipulated. You have learned, listened, been thoughtful, honest, and made measured decisions. You are driving and owning your future.

The situation is horrid and painful but you are handling all of it so well. I admire that.

Sending you strength.

Atg100 posted 5/23/2019 19:26 PM

Thank you I need the strength.
I question all this every day - my daughter asks when mummy is coming home ; I remember the good days. I dream of her and seeing her at change over still hurts .
But Iím human , I have got feelings , whilst I try to be the grey rock on the outside, I slip occasionally .
But there is a path out of here .

AFL1000 posted 5/23/2019 21:52 PM


I have been with you on most of this journey since you came to SI in Sept 2018. I have seen you evolve from the devastated husband as the betrayal was revealed with ĎAceí (and you now suspect others), through the pick-me-dance and the one-sided, false reconciliation as STBXW continued her affair,to taking control of the situation by enforcing the separation and now the divorce. But through all of this shit storm you have always kept your integrity and been the responsible parent maintaining your core values for your kids.

As your story evolved and you provided us with more and more information about your STBXWís behaviours and game playing the word Ďnarcissistí started to infiltrate your posts, both by you and members responding to this and your previous thread. I am sure your STBXW would never in a million years identify with, or even recognise, her narcissistic nature. I think you only started to see this more clearly over the past few months with her mind fuckery emails, texts and phone calls to keep you questioning yourself about whether reconciliation was a real possibility. She still continues the mind fuckery as per her message of Thursday proclaiming "..part of me[???]still feels that this all could be a huge mistake and that I didn't realise what we had". That message is just a continuation of her narcissistic game playing.

Given that you are in the medical profession you have direct contact with psychologists and psychiatrists who could provide you with insights, tactics and strategies for dealing with a narcissist.

Marz I always love your bullshit translator.

ATG I am pleased for you that members The1stWife, Hikingout, Cooley2here and Tallgirl have come to your thread to provide you with a female perspective to support what you are going through, and I hope they continue to post. I have greatly valued their insights they have provided into the wayward mind, either as the betrayed or wayward spouse, in SI forums.

The members here will offer their advice and support as you continue your journey. As Tallgirl commented,to your credit ďYou have learned, listened, been thoughtful, honest and made measured decisions.Ē

You have come a long way since DDay. Continue with strength and conviction.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 9:54 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

Cooley2here posted 5/23/2019 22:21 PM

One thing to ALWAYS keep in mind is WHAT IS HER MOTIVE, HER AGENDA?. When she wrote you she had a reason. She wanted a rise out of you. It is soooo hard to not respond. I hope you have someone you can call to get you through the next few minutes when she does this again. There is a ďdanceĒ that is set up in a marriage. Everyone knows the steps. They become so automatic that we do them without even thinking. You will have to be cognizant that she is always waiting for you to dance. That very old cliche of waiting ten seconds before responding is true. It will give you time to take a breath and ask yourself WHY you need to respond. If you donít need to then donít. Donít dance this time. Sit this one out.

paboy posted 5/24/2019 04:06 AM

Wow..August has come up quickly. Better get July over and done with, and then the fireworks will start.

This is what you have been prepping for. It's going to be a monumental event in your life for sure.

Actually, you have largely been able to fly under the radar, so to speak, and have been able to dodge alot of the heat, anger, abuse, that normally would have occurred in your situation.

You are going to need to take time now to grieve the end of your marriage. Take time to reevaluate, and let it go. Some BS have gone back to where they proposed, and discarded their ring. A release process.

Freeme posted 5/24/2019 06:46 AM

Here is what happened. Your WW is a narcissist, and while she will never think you are good enough for her and will always be looking around for something "better" or something that will give her more ego kibbles, she also wants to keep you wanting her.

Yesterday my wife realized that all her emails and notes get duplicated on this iPad, as she used her Apple ID for it. She emails , appealing to my honesty to tell her if I have read her emails and notes.
I told her I donít care, I want her and her emails out of my life, could she please hurry up with the divorce proceedings. Iím busy living my life.
She rang- she had made mistakes, she now realized for the wrong reasons. She asked if Iíd hate her, I answered that I didnít hate her anymore, I just wanted her gone.
She cried and asked if we can get back together.

She has realized that whatever she wrote might have pushed you away. That you MIGHT mean it when you say, you don't want her. This has pushed her to want you more. Of course because she is a narcissist.. she can only offer you crumbs..."maybe we shouldn't divorce", time...I might have made mistakes..." They are crumbs, that she is hoping you will latch onto. It's not so much that she wants to save the marriage. What she really wants is for you to beg her to come back. She is having a really hard time believing that this is not going to happen this time.
Keep doing what you are doing. Go as low a contact as you can with her. Keep things as calm as you can until the divorce but be firm that you are not considering getting back together. We all know that she is stalling the divorce process because she is not 100% secure in her decision. She doesn't like losing her back-up plan.
I keep remembering when you fell for her fishing (early in the other thread). When you daughter was asking about you two getting back together and you asked your WW if she had considered it and she said NO. She had been being nice, dropping hints at that time too.

Stay strong and keep moving forward.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:53 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 5/24/2019 15:33 PM

Yes , I remember that well. My daughter had drawn us a beautiful flower ď so that you and mummy love each other againĒ . I still get tears in my eyes thinking about that moment.

My wife sent a few more fishing emails yesterday .
I asked her not to send such emails anymore.
I want to move on, for her to find happiness and be a good mum to our children.
She snapped ď fine ď
And then ď you know what, I wish you happiness too. And I guarantee that I always be a good mumĒ. That was clear powerplay of course , I just replied ď thank you, that means a lot ď
I am planning that all my replies will always be ď what is best for the children ď and donít enter this emotional crap anymore.
Iím still speechless that she thought I would pick up the crumbs which she so randomly threw on the floor, just to see if Iím still her chump.
My day will come soon:
If my lawyerís assessment is correct , then Iím actually not worth all that much .
I have an excellent income, no doubt.
But I have so much private and business loans, that on paper Iím worth far less than I thought.My earlier assessments didnít take my business loans properly into account.
Sheíll get 60% . Thatís more than she deserves , but I know for sure that she thought that she would be able to buy a house in cash after her payout .
That figure may be corrected upwards , based on some lawyer voodoo , who knows .
And I will likely pay her a higher spousal maintenance compared to the legal minimum for child support .
However - the big pay day will not come .
Iím sure the mediation day will be gut wrenching but my lawyer is very good and worth his money .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:35 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

AFL1000 posted 5/24/2019 19:37 PM

My wife sent a few more fishing emails yesterday .
I asked her not to send such emails anymore.
I want to move on, for her to find happiness and be a good mum to our children. She snapped "fine".

Well ATG she has transitioned from narcissist to petulant child "If I don't get what I want I will stamp my feet and hold my breath".

Be prepared for a 'frosty' reception at the next handover!

Atg100 posted 5/24/2019 19:53 PM

Sadly itís not new and I used to enable it in the past.
She used to snap, because she knew that I would feel bad and try to make it better.
Doesnít work this time.
More challenging behaviour to come, for sure.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 7:54 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Marz posted 5/24/2019 20:57 PM

No response to these breadcrumbs is best

NoOptTo posted 5/25/2019 10:41 AM

She will still continue to throw out these breadcrumbs. If you think she will stop now after all the fence sitting she has done over the past year, I'd be very surprised. She needs her ego kibbles and I fear she will increase her attempts as D gets closer. She needs to feel in control and you have taken it that from her. Imo I feel that you dont need to ask her to find her own happiness. It's no longer your concern about her happiness. Just tell her we have no future besides being co-parent. If she was a great mom, she wouldn't of stepped out of her marriage and destroyed her family. The best she can do is be a positive influence through her future behavior which is still selfish. Your children look forward to spending as much time with you because from what you have said she tells at them.

Keep these in mind when you want to feel bad about your situation. You have freed yourself from her poor choices. Showed your children that you can still have amazing trips without the drama of having STBXWW around. You have seen what your future is going to look like, a lot less stressful. You just need weather the storm in the near future.

As I have said repeatedly, you have shown your character through out this shitstorm. You have handled yourself with dignity. You are truly showing your children the kind of adults you like them to grow up to be. Dealing with this stinks. Just know, you have found your strength to value yourself and your standards for living. You will survive this and prosper after all is said and done. As many of said you are handling this as well as anyone can. Keep moving towards D. Ask her lawyer for the details they are seeking for quickly so you have all information ready to go.

Atg100 posted 5/26/2019 21:18 PM

The heated exchange of emails did achieve one good thing - I learned that I donít need to repeat it.
Even though it was a truth bomb, and even if I was correct.

My stbxw emailed yesterday with some requests for the spare key of her car, baby photos - and something else I forgot. Clearly all intended to pick a fight.
I gave her everything she wanted and more so that by the time she came around to pick up the kids , she had used all her ammunition and the whole change over took less than 2 minutes .
I will leave all financial stuff to my lawyer and just hold him back a little.
But now that we have a mediation date, there is no benefit in going to court so he has given up on that idea.
Iím not ďzenĒ yet, but I really needed that lightbulb moment to get me a step closer.

Prior to this it was important to me to let her know that I knew about the other men she contacted .
Learning that it doesnít matter was important .

Marz posted 5/27/2019 01:40 AM


Atg100 posted 5/27/2019 14:54 PM

The other thing I really need to do now, is to stop "pain-shopping".
My thoughts have been around this topic now for 8 months since d-day and prior to that , as I knew something was not right.
I have got a life to live, work to do and get myself forward.
Somewhere in the healing library, I saw this technique:
I allow myself to think about the divorce for 2 minutes, but then I have to move on.
That way , I can hopefully focus more on the presence.
I noted yesterday in the gym, that I was checking my email , in between sets.
And I realized that this was to see if there were any "news" - not necessarily emails from her, but that would play a part, but also emails from my lawyer or friends who I have discussed things with.
Instead of just focusing on the workout.
I am sure I have developed an unhealthy habit of just thinking about my new situation all the time.
But fact is:
I have to come to terms with my new reality.
I have to digest the emotional side of things.
And I leave the financial side to my lawyer.
I don't mean to be ignorant about the finances.
But the reality here is :
I will lose some money, but if my lawyer and the lawyer friend from interstate are correct, than I can keep my house, which the children regard as my home.
The rest will be sorted by the law.

Marz posted 5/27/2019 15:15 PM

Well it is a form of contact.

What I do in situations is write what I need to do down on paper.

Have I covered all the bases? If I have then it does bring some comfort level.

This shit is tough but you learn ways to handle it. Once you saw reality you did much better. Just another thing to learn in this process. You'll get there. The hard part is out of the way.

paboy posted 5/27/2019 21:32 PM

A lot of times with your post ATG, if you just need a voice, we are here to hear you.

Just keep plugging on. You'll come out on the other end soon.

Atg100 posted 5/29/2019 04:08 AM

The mediation date got set back to the 20th of August.
Ah well

When she handed the kids over tonight , my stbxw was super aggressive - I didnít bite.
So much easier

AFL1000 posted 5/29/2019 05:04 AM


Was the reason for the delayed mediation date precipitated by the request from your STBXW's lawyers for 'certain entities to be evaluated' or just the slow progress of the Australian legal process?

The members did warn you that after you shot down her recent power plays and you did not accept the bread crumbs she was throwing in your direction she would take a more aggressive stance with you. Congrats on not taking the bait.

Are you still carrying a VAR on you when you meet her at handover. This could be the start of her trying to goad you into saying something she can use against you in the divorce.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:12 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 5/29/2019 05:14 AM

The VAR is a good idea.
The delay is due to her lawyer.
They had a preferred mediator who offered the 17th of July.
Immediately accepted but her lawyer only enquired today to confirm the date - and it was gone.
There is nothing I can do about it.
Iíll go camping in Kakadu national park with the kids in July, so I concentrate on that first .
I give my wife as little opportunity as possible to have a go, but she is obviously looking to find something.

paboy posted 5/29/2019 12:34 PM

That's a shame that it was put back. The end to your nightmares looked oh so close. It does indicate the quality of the lawyer that she has chosen and the probable reason for the delay on everything.
Hopefully she is just so inept when the real decisions are made.

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