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Different perspective 2.0

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Marz posted 8/21/2019 21:37 PM

It has dawned on her, that she didn't get the best deal- and that her lawyer wasn't good.
" You have so much more earning capacity" " I didn't get what I am entitled for".

The here and now has nothing to do with your future capacity.

This was her father talking. You got a clue to this with his phone call.

They aren't your family. I'd distance myself from them.

paboy posted 8/22/2019 03:33 AM

Wow just wow.. I am angry just listening to what you have said she stated. Truly understand the narcissist element you have advised about.

Yep get away from this horrible person.

Atg100 posted 8/22/2019 03:49 AM

Yes, I had my second session with my new psychologist.
And she said from now on itís all about boundaries.
She understands that I wanted to play nice prior to the mediation - and it seems to have worked - but now I need to practice my ď no ď
She is awful, the whole family is .

Marz posted 8/22/2019 04:09 AM

She is awful, the whole family is

Yep and yep.

Parasites

Atg100 posted 8/26/2019 04:27 AM

My ex took the kids to a wedding on her family's side. I didn't hear from them for 5 days.
That was good, as I needed the time to recover a little bit and see where I am.
I worked on the weekend,on call for two hospitals, but was lucky, as I did get some sleep on all nights.
On Sunday night, she sent me an email, asking me not to talk abut the details of our separation to friends or family, as it was a private matter.
I had a number of thoughts about this.
I can talk to whoever I want, but at the same time, I do want to move on, and really don't make it a point of discussion anymore.
Equally, I don't want to have an argument with her.
She is the victim and no emails or arguments in the past have changed this odd behaviour.
I just told her that her uncle is my finance broker, that I don't have any intentions to change this - and that I trust his professionalism in that matter.
That of course is a little trap - if she would say, that I am not to talk to him, she would imply that he is not professional. And she knows that he is quite the opposite.
So she did what she would do - and didn't answer.
I added some purely technical stuff:
Guitar lessons have changed to start at 4, and I booked a parent teacher interview on that date.
She never sends those emails, but I have to lead by example and exchange this information.
Maybe I can train her over time, but rules don't apply to her .
She still hasn't agreed to use the "relationship Australia " workbook as our guidance.

WhatsRight posted 8/26/2019 04:38 AM

You are right. You can say whatever you want to whomever you want.

But to what end?

You can let the infidelity rest on her, but I do think DETAILS can only harm your kids. For the town to be talking about it in detail.

Also, it doesn't benefit you. You have moved on.

And good decision about sharing emails re your kids. It's the right thing to do, AND you never know what the future will bring. If there are ever custody issues, or whatever - you can show you have been a mature, responsible parent and have acted responsibly with her as a co-parent.

I know you are excited to see your kids. Hope they enjoyed their trip.

You have SO got this!

Atg100 posted 8/26/2019 04:51 AM

Thank you.
Itís again a tricky balance - there is no point in being too combative . But any friendly gesture has been in the past mistaken as if I was open to her narcissistic abuse .
So I have to make sure I donít let her trample all over my boundaries .
- my psychologist identified me as somebody who self-sacrifices and Iíd subscribe to that theory ...-
So I have to remain business like and polite in all interactions .

NoOptTo posted 8/26/2019 15:07 PM

I find it so funny that XWW now doesn't want any details of her divorce made public to friends and family. Wasn't she publicly rewriting your marriage to friends and family not too long ago? I seem to remember you writing about getting looks from other PTA members. Sorry if I'm wrong.

You have shown great character in handling your false R, separation, and D. Now your XWW wants you to hide the truth of her villainy. Here is where I part way from your line of thinking. Let everyone know the truth of your XWw poor and selfish behavior. Narcs have a need to look good in others eyes. The lies they weave and create a new narrative to make them look golden. As with affairs, the truth is like shinning the light on who she really is. She cant run from the truth. She will have to conjure up new lies to even attempt to make herself the shining star again that her mind thinks she is.

As others have said that the kids suffer. In the immediate future, maybe. Your kids are rather young so they are probably not going to remember too much. This is their new normal. As for others talking. If you think they will be talking about your relationship, here, they already have been. You've been separated for awhile. As with everything in life, people will talk about anything new. In a weeks time, something else will come up and they will be talking about that.

ATG, you have shown your children how to grow, learn, respect, care, etc. As long as your being that positive role model for them as they grow, being there for their support, you should have nothing to be ashamed of. You be you. Your XWW has to deal with her selfish behavior and their ramifications. You dont have hide anything.

If your worried about the coparenting issue, in the grey rock philosophy, the common phrases you should learn to shut her down are things like, I'm sorry you feel that way, I view things differently, if that is how you feel, etc.

Glad you were able keep busy this weekend at work. And I hope you find inner peace with your new beginning.

Marz posted 8/26/2019 15:27 PM

You should have just ignored.

Still need some work on this.

M1965 posted 8/26/2019 16:20 PM

On Sunday night, she sent me an email, asking me not to talk abut the details of our separation to friends or family, as it was a private matter.

I also think that these kinds of emails should be ignored, or receive a non-committal variation of the grey rock, such as, "I will bear your opinion/ request in mind".

And that is as comprehensive as it needs to be.

Why should you compromise your independence of action? Fair enough, you may not want to broadcast the details to the public at large, but if you need to talk about something to a friend or family member, why should you deny yourself the freedom to do that?

Marz posted 8/26/2019 17:41 PM

On Sunday night, she sent me an email, asking me not to talk abut the details of our separation to friends or family, as it was a private matter.

This is her way of trying to control you after she fired you. She should have thought about consequences when she had her affair which destroyed your family and marriage.

Equally, I don't want to have an argument with her.
She is the victim and no emails or arguments in the past have changed this odd behaviour.
I just told her that her uncle is my finance broker, that I don't have any intentions to change this - and that I trust his professionalism in that matter.

If you fully apply limited contact there is no argument. Why do you think you owe her explanations?

You are correct. You can't win so you need to stop playing her game. Grey Rocking and parallel parenting is your ticket to freedom but you have to use It to get there.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:47 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

Marz posted 8/26/2019 17:51 PM

The thing is if you don't stop the engagement with her this will never end.

Go your own way. She sure has.

Atg100 posted 8/26/2019 19:01 PM

You guys are absolutely correct.
As is my psychologist who reinforced what you have said the whole time.
( only that the SI advice is free, whilst the psychologist charges $$$ )
I think Ďno contactí just wonít work because of the kids.
So practically :
My responses have been to long.
I need to work on the phrases you recommended and stop treating her as a normal person.
I need to wait before responding.


On a completely different note: my rock climbing buddy has organised a dinner tonight with his wife and one of her female friends.
He double checked once too often that Iím coming, so I think itís a set-up.
There are worse things in life ...

AFL1000 posted 8/26/2019 19:21 PM

Oh yes this so about your STBXW still trying to control the situation. I know you were playing the long game until the mediation agreement was signed. She is going to play the victim card to any and all who will listen. While the details of the agreement are private between you and her, the truth of why the marriage collapsed due to her infidelity and lies should be answered by you truthfully to anyone who asks so she cannot continue to perpetuate her coverup of the main reason for the divorce; her affair.

Have you discussed with your lawyer bringing the 12 month separation forward from 6 December and using the inhouse separation date in August 2018 so the divorce can be finalised.

Enjoy the dinner date
ETA: IMO the full impact of the consequences of her actions will only hit her when those divorce papers are in front of her.


[This message edited by AFL1000 at 7:33 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 8/26/2019 20:00 PM

Yes she still carries on.
Sent me photos from the family wedding , she attended .
Including a photo of her mother ( delete, delete )
Just now she emailed to enquire what Iím doing with the kids on Fatherís Day ?
There will be no answer to that email.

Well, the divorce papers will be accompanied by a financial pay out. Iíd say she will be pre-occupied with what she is going to do with her money .

Marz posted 8/26/2019 20:19 PM

Just remember one thing. You are the only one that can keep yourself in this.

It's a change. Think this on every communication (does it really need a response)? You will find logically most do not.

You're in the habit like a lot thinking you must answer her. While in a marriage that's the thing you do. BUT, she decided to end that.

LEARN TO IGNORE

Marz posted 8/26/2019 20:22 PM

Well, the divorce papers will be accompanied by a financial pay out. Iíd say she will be pre-occupied with what she is going to do with her money .

Wrong tactic. Its not up to her to cut contact. It's up to you.

You control yourself, your phone, etc.

Buster123 posted 8/26/2019 20:47 PM

She will keep trying to control the narrative forever and hold you accountable for keeping her dirty secrets, one way to put an end to that is to tell the truth and now that she has signed the agreement and itís final, EXPOSE her with family and friends, telling the truth, donít become a liar by omission just to appease her, she wants to control you and think she can do that even after D, donít sacrifice your image for her, after exposure JUST IGNORE her unless itís about the kids.

Atg100 posted 8/26/2019 21:30 PM

She has been exposed to friends and families.
There are a few Switzerland friends or so called friends who tell me that ď she was confused ď.
I know who my friends are .
The problem are a couple of her friends who have children who are friends with my kids.
They are the friends who I would even call enabler.
I keep up a friendly face with them, so that my boy can go on play dates.
But anyone who matters to me, knows.

Marz posted 8/26/2019 23:41 PM

The problem are a couple of her friends who have children who are friends with my kids.
They are the friends who I would even call enabler.
I keep up a friendly face with them, so that my boy can go on play dates.

Let your X deal with them on her time. When it comes to your time find alternatives. Easy enough to do.

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