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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 8/27/2019 00:03 AM

2 of them are mothers in the immediate neighbourhood.
My son plays a lot with the children.
One of the mums takes him to school for me one day a week and I drive her son to sport once a week (together with my boy) - there would be a lot of disadvantages if I ďfight them ď.
But I have told them at the beginning of the whole break up what I know, they chose to be on her side .
I donít ever talk about my ex wife to them, smile and wave.
On the other hand - they are also completely self-absorbed like anyone nowadays . They donít spend too much time thinking about it. And almost a year after my ex has moved out - the novelty has worn off.
Deep down, I donít care what they think of me, I just make it easy for my son.

Marz posted 8/27/2019 10:59 AM

Got it. Use them for convenience. Keep boundaries up around it.

You knowing who/what they are is good.

paboy posted 8/27/2019 14:10 PM

Some of the responses to you have been well meaning and very helpful.

And yes I do agree that you need to cut way back on your communications with her. Your future happiness is not going to be with her so stop investing time to it.

When you are divorced and away from this horrible person, you need a big party to celebrate.

The Goldie...

Atg100 posted 8/29/2019 05:29 AM

The dinner was indeed a set-up. I enjoyed it for what it was. Nice company and just fun. I haven't had that for a while.

My ex offered me to give me her tax refund - she used to be a trust employee of my trust, so much of the return is due to some tax voodoo.
I rather sell my kidney on the black market than taking anything from her.

Such a hollow gesture. Once I receive the court order, I will give her more than 150 times what she has offered me. As if this offer would allow us to be friends.
And that is the point of my message :
Today I realize how much I hate her.
I have been restrained, tactical and kept my emotions under control for the purpose of the mediation. And I will have to remain cool, as she is the mother of my children.
But I hate everything what she has done to me, the disrespect, the humiliation, the pain.
And she thinks she can just text me and offer me her tax return, so that she looks good.
There are too many choice words on my mind, I would break SI rules.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:30 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Freeme posted 8/29/2019 06:17 AM

You would like to reply "Keep you #!#% tax refund it's a drop in the bucket compared to what I'll be giving you after you cheated on me."

but... she is a Narc so she will loved these words. They will feel her ego that she is still relevant enough to make you angry. She will be able to tell people how unreasonable you were...If you accept the money she will get an ego boost that you "owe" her, that you are still "friends".
I'd probably ignore the message or send something along the lines of "Why don't you spend the money on the kids or.... something more specific like "DS would really like to take that computer camp why don't you use it for that?"

So you aren't accepting the money but are directing it to something that will benefit the kids.

I think she is sensing that she is losing you and that's why she has offered you the tax refund. It's her way of maintaining the "friendship."
She is a Narc, the best way to get back at her is to show her a lack of interest. Focus on you and your kids and only respond to messages about the kids and finances. No friendly banter. Make the kid exchanges as quick as possible.

Don't do family things with her, it will confuse the kids. Make your time with the kids quality time (camping is great).

You don't have to be mean in your responses but you can be curt and to the point.

Atg100 posted 8/29/2019 06:26 AM

Just to clarify: the accountant had already transferred her money into my account .
Tonight I transferred the money into her account, after a brief email, saying itís hers .
I used her maiden name as the reference - and thatís as far as I go.
Just to the point, even if the court order hasnít come through, she is certainly not Mrs ATG anymore .
Apart from that, I wonít give her any opening.
I will practice my grey rock, itís the only way.
You are correct about family things. On Saturday, there will be an outdoor cinema movie at my boyís school.
She wants to come as well. School events are something where both parents should attend. But I will not give the illusion that we are going there as a little family.

farsidejunky posted 8/29/2019 07:02 AM


I am glad to see you have completed mediation.

Moving forward, remember your boundary statements that I covered with you in your previous thread:

1. I'm not okay with X (family dinners, yelling, etc.)

2. I'm sorry you feel that way (when she blameshifts, etc.)

3. You do what you feel you have to do. I will do the same. (For threats)

4. I see it differently (when she attempts to get you to sign on to her wayward rewrites).

5. Are you done? (Use this when you are at risk of repeating any of the previous four phrases).

You've got this, brother. You are almost to the finish line.

steadychevy posted 8/29/2019 07:39 AM

If you would be friends with her then she can think that what she did wasn't so bad because "look, we're friends". She can claim she tried so hard but you just weren't amenable so it really is all your fault.

Marz posted 8/29/2019 09:04 AM

"Lets be friends" is part of the cheater script. They all do this.

A buddy of mines wife left him for her boss. They have 2 young girls. Now that D is over anything other than the kids he just ignores her. It took over a year but now she's pretty silent.

He says it works great. You can get there too. It just takes some discipline. His kids have adjusted.

NoOptTo posted 8/29/2019 11:04 AM

Since you already returned her refund, my suggestion of paying her with her refund is mute. Glad you had a good time having good adult company. Hope you find some more time in the future to enjoy yourself.

As for your XW, I, like most others suggest limited greyrock comments with her. You have better times ahead. Hopefully you'll find indifference sooner rather then later when it comes to your XW.

20yrsagoBS posted 8/29/2019 19:20 PM


I have read and followed your journey. I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you.

Kiss your babies and keep them close. She wonít be able to fake the good mother facade for too much longer. Your kids will see that eventually. Then they will need Dad ATG even more.

Atg100 posted 8/30/2019 04:22 AM

Thank you.
I am actually worried about a couple of things : I need to know she is good to the kids.
And - what happens if my kids have got some of her narcissistic traits.
We emailed about the Christmas Holidays - She will have the kids for the actual festive period, as I had them for Easter this year.
Afterwards the kids would like to go back to Bali with me . I wouldn't take them to quite the luxurious accommodation where we went to last year, but I'd be happy to go. Its easy to have a good time and the prices for accommodation on the Sunshine Coast close to Brisbane have become so expensive, that its more economical to fly 5 hours to Bali, instead of driving up north for 2 hours.
My ex nearly freaked out:
I had been successful at playing games. Pretending to be poor and meanwhile giving her less what she is entitled for . And so on. It was quite unbelievable.
I forwarded her emails to my lawyer.
I felt that an answer to my ex , may be helpful:
I pointed out, in dollar value, how much money she will get from me.
That calmed her down and she apologized.
Her behaviour has long been abnormal but this today takes the cake. I really hope she finds another bloke soon, who can deal with this shit. The AP is obviously not giving her enough cash.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:25 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

paboy posted 8/30/2019 12:55 PM

What would be her response if you suggested that. And let her know you've started dating. And get that divorce going. Get away from that horrible person. Like you have said, she is a really horrible person.

Marz posted 8/30/2019 13:14 PM

From what I've seen she'll probably burn thru the cash quick.

Get those boundaries in place and solid (zero compromise) because when the cash is gone you won't want to be around that in any way.

Atg100 posted 8/30/2019 14:21 PM

Id say she will burn through the cash quickly.
I could make those remarks - again, she will just become more combative, especially when it comes to the kids.
Her narcissistic behaviour is now predictable.
I knew I would get a reaction.

Because essentially she said:
" you have so many more shiny things than I have"
To which I answered :
" But look how many wonderful shiny things you have"
And that stopped the conversation.
In the few discussions since our mediation, she has so far:
Complained that she got a bad deal, that I have a better income than her and that I go on holidays and she doesn't.

Nobody of a sane mind would say things like that.

Atg100 posted 8/30/2019 14:54 PM

The longer I think about it, the more crazy it all becomes.
She has the affair, wants out of our relationship.
I let her go with a 'golden handshake'.
After separation, any attempt to reconcile has no chance right from the beginning.
We agree on mediation, which she delays by about 8 months.
The mediation ends with a deal.

After the deal is finalized, she complains that she has been hard done by , because she got less than what she was entitled for.

This has 'crazy' written all over it.
I really blame myself for not seeing any of this behaviour earlier in our relationship.
But what is so remarkable is , how much happier I am with her out of my life ( stupid emails excluded).

WhatsRight posted 8/30/2019 15:12 PM

But what is so remarkable is , how much happier I am with her out of my life

Wouldn't it be FABULOUS if we could get a snapshot glance of this feeling at any point in the process!!!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:13 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 8/30/2019 15:17 PM


Go back and read what you posted.

Keep in mind, all this has ever been about is HER entitlement. Thatís how you marry a wallet (you), have children with the wallet, cheat on the wallet, then divorce the wallet. Her stupid mistake was not choosing another wallet when selecting her AP.

So, despite throwing her family away, she still believes sheís entitled to her original wallet (you)

Please remember this when you interact with IT.

Atg100 posted 8/30/2019 15:23 PM

I realize this now.
I am just baffled as how someone can live her life like this. I accept that her behaviour is obvious for you, looking at it all from the outside.
My brother thought she was only after my cash, a long time ago. But whilst I was in the midst of it all, wearing my rose tinted glasses, I did not see it. If you would have told me in August 2018, that I would be writing this a year later, I would have not believed you.
There is no point now, complaining about the past. But I have enabled this behaviour throughout our relationship.

Whatsright - I had these glimpses in my journey to recovery. But I noted that whenever the pain eased off - I felt almost euphoric.
I think my brain was just longing for normality, that any pain-free moment was almost too much.

Marz posted 8/30/2019 16:07 PM

I'll say it again.

Learn to ignore

You aren't there yet but you need to be

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